Revelations While Sleeping

Evil

Sometimes I fantasize that I will one day rise to power and rule the entire world, if not the entire universe. Sometimes I walk through the details of this empire in my head. I will have a small circle of trusted advisors and one of them will certainly be a cat, specifically, my temp roommate. I will give the the temp roommate an important role in the inner circle, like Chief Diplomat or Head of Technology. But after what happened last night, I'm afraid that the temp roommate has ruled himself out for the role of Chief Strategic Military Planner.

It's been getting quite cold here in Shanghai and these Chinese buildings have virtually no insulation at all. It gets very cold at night unless the heat is on. So recently, I've started letting the temp roommate sleep in my bedroom since that's the only room where i turn on the heat at night. He usually sleeps in his little kitty bed at the foot of my bed. But occasionally, he jumps into my bed for some reason, as he did last night.

But last night, he did a weird thing. Instead of sleeping on the corner of my bed as he is wont to do, he started burrowing underneath my comforter. This burrowing woke me up from a deep sleep induced by three or four vodka tonics consumed alone between the hours of 10pm and midnight. I was sleeping in the fetal position and I felt the temp roommate snuggling up against my butt. Fearing future repercussions of such inappropriate bedroom behavior, I sat up, grabbed the temp roommate, and tossed him off the bed. Sometime later in the evening, I felt the familiar burrowing underneath the comforter. Burrowing, burrowing, burrowing. Again, the temp roommate was at my butt. But this time, instead of being content to snuggle up to my bottom, he kept burrowing his nose into my ass.

Then it struck me. I can never let the temp roommate be my Chief Strategic Military Planner. He'd get himself killed and bring down my entire military with him. What was he thinking burrowing his nose into my butt? Doesn't he know that all I'd need to do is lay down the boom and he'd be wiped out? I considered it, but decided to hold back, mostly because I wasn't sure if my weaponry was in gaseous state or solid/semi-liquid state. Better not risk it. I tossed him off the bed again and quietly sobbed myself back into a deep slumber.