The Jersey Shore: Someone Explain the Situation to Me

I am like 5 days behind. This show was the best two hours of my life ever. I can't even deal with it.

For those of you who don't know I will explain - MTV producers went across NY and Rhode Island looking for 4 tanorexic steriod-popping meatheads and matched them up with a troll and a few other "hot chicks". The result - genius!

Here are some preliminary observations

More...
(1) "The Situation" is the greatest nickname ever. I can't believe this nim thought of it before me. I am besides myself with grief. Thankfully, my friend came up with a good compromise...from here on out I will be "La Situacion".
(2) One girl appears to be about 4ft 5in and hopes to "hook up with a juice head like every night". Is there an upside to hooking up with someone on steroids? Is this better than this ambien sex I am hearing about? How do I find a girl on steroids and into ambien sex? T-Mo...thoughts?
(3) Sami "Sweetheart", the "cute one" dressed in all black, made out with both The Situation and super-meathead Ronnie on the first episode. I am into her vibe though because she is packing extra in the poop-chute. I wonder if she would be into La Situacion...
(4) The guy from Rhodes Island spends 2 hours on his hair every morning. I can tell, but I still can't understand why...
(5) There is a girl on there named Angelina (purple top) who insists that the housemates call her Joile and at one point declares herself the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island. I can't tell what is a funnier disconnect from reality these statements or what goes through my mind when I am in the gym. She is also proudly a c*ckblock. She is ruining the whole show for me, by herself.
(6) JWOWW (teal top) dresses like a stripper, has ruined her hair through constant dyeing and has face cheeks that resemble Mike Piazza's back. I think this is all to set us up for the biggest, roundest boob job ever. She has a boyfriend but made out with the guy from Rhodes Island anyway and found a Prince Albert on him just as she remembered her scruples.

I am flabbergasted, astounded, confused and amazed.