Social Acceptibility Question

Evil

When you're getting a massage, and you happen to get an erection, is that OK? I always wonder what the massage therapist think of this. Does she mind? Or does she, as a professional, just brush it off as just another professional hazard. Sort of like, if you're a construction worker, you figure you might get hit on the head with a falling brick once in a while. Or if you're a line chef, you figure you're going to burn and/or cut yourself from time to time.

Lilke Gum and Nuts

I like the Kings of Leon. Or I did a few years ago. Youth and Young Manhood was my album of choice for about a year.

I also really like Ann Curry. I might go so far as to say I have crush on her, as much as I can have a crush on anyone born in 1956.

But sometimes two great tastes don't taste great together, as I discovered when I saw the video you'll find after the jump. They are pretending to enjoy playing at the ass-crack of dawn for a bunch of New Jersey mothers and midwestern tourists, and she's pretending to know who the hell they are.

Awkward.
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Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Things I Didn't Know About Glenn Beck...

... but found out while surfing Wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glenn_Beck

* Glenn Beck is a Mormon!

* His mom and one of his brothers committed suicide. Another sibling had a fatal heart attack.

* He attended the same university as KillerB.

Joe Biden Sucks

Evil

Not that I ever liked Joe Biden much, but I like him less now that I know he went to a Beer Summit and chose an non-alcoholic brew. Not that being a non-drinker is bad. But if you're a non-drinker, don't go to a freakin' Beer Summit, OK?

Drinking a non-alcoholic brew at a Beer Summit is like watching online porn in low resolution.

Drinking a non-alcoholic brew at a Beer Summit is like being a teenager and dry humping.

Drinking a non-alcoholic brew at a Beer Summit is like ordering the chicken dish at a steakhouse.

Drinking a non-alcoholic brew at a Beer Summit is like buying a new computer but not getting Internet.

Drinking a non-alcoholic brew at a Beer Summit is like having a hooker, a basket, and a piece of rope all in the same room and not getting a basket job.

Beer Summits I Would Like To See

Following our President's lead, I would like to propose the following Beer Summits:

* KillerB and Glenn Beck

* Catjjy and John Mayer

* Xtian and any Latina chick he has ever gone on a date with

* Mamacita and Xtian

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy... Err... Car

Evil

Down in the dumps.

Bad Hosts

Evil

Why didn't these two jagoffs (Obama and Biden) or any of their staffers make the effort to tell their guests that jackets weren't required? How inconsiderate.

BTW- Some news outlets reports that Prof Gates drank a Sam Adams while others reported that he drank a Red Stripe. Which is it? The American public needs to know!

It was universally reported that Joe Biden drank a non-alcoholic brew. What a p*ssy!

For completeness: the Pres drank a Bud Light and the Sgt drank a Blue Moon.

Shorts: Swimming World Championships

Sparks and I have been having a few discussions at home about the new development in world class swimming: polyurethane suits. I'll let the expert discuss the relative merits of the suits, but one of the major problems is a major wardrobe malfunction.

NSFW!

Outdated Movie News: Green Lantern

I read a couple of weeks ago that there was a rather fraught casting process over which actor should get the franchise role of the Green Lantern. Like all big budget hero movies, this one has a lot riding on it. Will it be like Spiderman, a quality film with great direction and fun effects (for the day, of course)? Will it be like Ironman, with an actor so perfect for the role that he singlehandedly revived the middle aged superhero? Or, will it be like Superman, with a lead actor so handsome, so bland, that he bored everyone out of the theatre? No little boy or girl has Green Lantern on the top of his/her list as favorite superhero, but really, the cupboard is getting kind of bare. I am wondering how this movie is going to be compelling with a piece of jewelry as the critical plot device.

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So anyway, I'm not totally on board with the movie. Then the casting story came out that they were deciding between three people to be Hal Jordan (note: the Green Lantern is whoever wears the ring. Hal Jordan was one of the characters that eventually became the Green Lantern, but lots of people, including girls, have been the Green Lantern). This is sort of funny because the producers can easily recast the hero if the lead actor asks for too much money in the sequels. But anyway, back to the casting. Here were the finalists: Bradley Cooper, Justin Timberlake and Ryan Reynolds. Are you kidding me? Snooze, Snooze, Snooze.

I have only seen Bradley Cooper in "He's Just Not That Into You". He sort of looks like the Cheshire Cat. Justin Timberlake still looks sort of pre-pubescent to me. Ryan Reynolds is the best option, I guess, but even then, this guy doesn't have a lot of charisma working for him. Are we really at a point where "handsome 25-30 year old actor" gets us these guys? How depressing. I say, toss the whole casting, and chase Angelina Jolie for the Green Lantern. She can really wear jewelry AND is a bona fide star.

(Un) Funny People

There is probably a lot of enthusiasm out there for this movie. I mean its called "Funny People", it stars genuinely funny people like Adam Sandler, my hetero soul mate Seth Rogan and the Coppola from Rushmore! It's written, directed and produced by Judd Apatow who has written or produced every funny movie the history of mankind ever! All the makings of comedy gold - still I have my doubts.
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Some of Judd's movies have a habit of intermittently not being funny. Here's an example from Knocked Up. Paul Rudd's character is part of a fantasy baseball league. His wife, the totally lovely Leslie Mann, catches him in a lie about it while trailing him to see if he is cheating on her. She is crushed. They proceed to have one of the more gut wrenching arguments I have ever seen. In the end she feels totally betrayed. How could her husband take so small a lie and whip it up to a minor conspiracy? I remember sitting there perfectly still and uncomfortable for a long while. Eventually let off the awkward hook by a really well placed pink eye joke. The more I hear about Funny People, the more I am concerned that this movie will reverse the 80/20 rule of fart jokes/soul aches.

I don't know if you know this but its about Adam Sandler have some serious disease and realizing he's going to die. Hey! That's not funny

Not only that, but much like how I plan to react to eventual terminal disease, he becomes obsessed with what a mega douche he's been in his life and becomes fixated with fixing all his broken relations. I'm not going to lie, I am starting to feel really uncomfortable....

He's so alone in the world that he hires Seth Rogan to hang out while he waits to die. Wait a minute, if we make Seth a stripper with big fake boobs then....

ummm

Am I in a Dickens novel or something?

Breaking News!!!

As of 8:20 PM EST, the Cubs are back in first place. Go Cubbies!!!!!

Some Quickies Before Heading To Class

Evil

* Sparks suggested I take (and post) a pic of my relatively hot and athletic teacher. I'd like to do this, but how do I go about executing it? I can't try to sneak a photo, can I? She'll definitely catch me and that'll be creepy. Any suggestions?

* My relatively hot and athletic teacher has a whole bunch of biases. He was a history major in college, so she seems to know a lot about history. Although I'm not sure what being a "history" major in China entails. Do they learn real history or do they learn what the g0vt wants them to learn? Anyway, she totally has a bias against the Japanese. Crazy. The Japanese are so lovable. She also has a bias against the big-city Shanghai'ers (she's grew up in a small town) because she says they're so superficial.

KillerB = Losing It

I'm at my desk right now. I'm having a productive day. Just a few minutes ago I was putting a file folder together to take to the doctor's office so I'll have something to work on. I labeled the folder. I put some files in it. Then........I walked to the printer, and then the kitchen, and then back to my desk. And now I can't find it. I'm the only person in the office. I've now spent 20 minutes walking back and forth between my desk, the printer, and the kitchen - a distance of 40 feet. Can't find it. Now I'm looking in places where I know I didn't put it - the bathroom, other people's desks. This is crazy. I could have reprinted this stuff in 5 minutes - but now I just have to know. WHERE ARE YOU STUPID FILE FOLDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday morning quickies from the left coast

Good morning, everyone.
1. Saw a clip of William Shatner doing a poetic reading of Sarah Palin's verbatim farewell speech. He was, of course, more coherent than she was, but the clip was also linked to his "classic" reading of Rocket Man. Perhaps you have seen Stewie from Family Guy doing the same reading. This leads me to one of the contentious points of my relationship with Sparks: I CANNOT STAND THE FAMILY GUY. He loves it. I don't know why they can string together non sequiturs for an entire 22 minutes, and those nonsequiturs are frankly just STOLEN ideas from other sources. It kills me. I can't even be in the same room if he's watching an episode. He has the same problem with my proclivity towards bad reality television. Anyone catch More to Love last night?
More...2. I am a big fan of our local public library. Everyone likes the library, of course. A civic institution dedicated only to the betterment of each citizen's mind. It's been a long time since I've frequented a library. When Sparks and I were in graduate school, I used the university libraries a lot. But for my own reading pleasure, I must say that I have bought every single book I've read for the last 5 years or so. All this has changed since we have had the Cha. Did you know that a child's picture book is on average $16? And they have less than 30 pages each? And children consume books like cheerios? This was turning out to be a very expensive habit. So off to the library we trooped and I must say it's been lots of fun to randomly pick books off the shelf (lots of them are turkeys) but also to rediscover the books I used to like, or at least remember, from my youth. Do you have favorites? Harold the Purple Crayon, Little Bear, etc....I'm looking forward to the day when we can read Encyclopedia Brown together.

3. One of the family cars died last night. Battery dead because the Cha turned on one of the interior lights while he was playing in the car. Sparks likes to let the Cha drive the car into the garage from the end of the driveway. Do you find this an inappropriate action? Sparks grew up in a place where 8 year olds could drive to 7-11, but I am thinking maybe it's not so healthy for the Cha to think he can drive. As well, we realized we didn't have jumper cables. I then realized that I would not know how to jump a car if I had to. This qualifies as something everyone should know when they leave home. In the end, we borrowed one from the neighbors and all turned out fine.

4. An ongoing list of things one should know when they leave home: how to grill food. how to change a tire. how to jump a car. how to handle household finances. how to cook 3 meals. your suggestions welcome.

Oh Well...

Most good things don't last long... the poor Cubbies no longer in first place. :(

Who Do We Have to Blame for Our Trashy Banner Ads?

Has anyone else been getting a lot of "Evony" down the right side? Why is this temptress calling me "my lord"?

Who has an anti-virus software strong enough to consider signing up for this? Please report back.

Not A Jinx

Dont look now, but the CUBBIES ARE IN FIRST PLACE!!!

Baseball Question

There seem to be a couple of Hosers on here who think they know everything about baseball. Last night, I was watching baseball, and I saw something that I've seen many times before, which has never made sense to me. I could, of course, just look it up on the internet and find an answer. But I'm a blogger. We do things differently.

So, smartypantses, when a pitcher gets 1 out in an inning and is pulled, why does he only get credit for .2 innings in the stats?

I'm going to go ahead and throw the tag Sparks = Wrong on here because I'm pretty sure he doesn't know.

Death Pool, Anyone?

This was mentioned in a recent Hosecast, so I'll throw it out there... anyone interested in doing the Death Pool? We has such great success with the American Idol pool that I figure another pool would be good.

For those who dont know what a Death Pool is, here's the basic gist:

- each contestant picks a list of famous people they think will die in the next year.

- points are awarded upon each celebrity death. more points are awarded the younger the person is.

- person with most points at the end of the year wins.

Or for more detailed rules, I found a good reference here:

http://deathpoolers.com/rules_2007.html

I especially like the bonus points mentioned on that page: First Blood (First confirmed kill: +10 points), Solo Shot (Any kill that is unique to the group: +15 points), Last Gasp (Last confirmed kill of the game: +10 points).

Maybe there could even be a prize for the winner. Something like... win an oil massage performed by killerb.

How Genius Is the iTunes Genius Playlist?

Most, if not all, if you Hosers are more musically inclined than me, so I could use some input on a topic...

How Genius is the iTunes Genius feature anyway. I've used it many times now and in almost all cases, it disappoints me. According to Apple's marketing copy: "Genius creates a playlist of songs that go great together."

So I've always imagined that the Genius feature would be able to put together a playlist that I couldn't do myself. Like, it could figure out that a particular song goes well after a certain other song. Maybe it has some sort or heuristic about whether an uptempo song should go here, and then a slower song could go there. And maybe it can even an analysis of which keys each song is in and arrange them in some sensible order. I imagine all this because of the "songs that go great together" part of the marketing copy.

But I am invariably disappointed by Genius because all it really seems to do is pick out songs that are similar to each other. It seems very much like the collaborative filtering feature in the iTunes Store or on Amazon ("People who bought this song also bought these other songs..."). If that's all Genius is, then it's a big disappointment.

Or am I missing something. Anyone out there having great success using Genius?

Feeling Paranoid

As some of you Hosers know, I tend to have dry lips so I can't go anywhere without carrying Chapstick. If I leave the house w/o Chapstick, I can generally look in my bookbag or laptop bag and find the backup Chapstick. If for some reason the backup Chapstick is not there or all used up, I can generally find the backup backup at my desk once I get to work (when I had a job, that is).

Apparently, people in China do not use Chapstick. Or at least, guys don't use it. One of the receptionists at the school saw me putting on Chapstick and blurted out, "oh, YOU use THAT? even guys can use THAT?" then she giggled and giggled the way you imagine that a cute asian girl giggles.

Today, as I was leaving the school, I started putting on Chapstick while waiting for the elevator. Once the elevator came, I turned around and I think I saw the same receptionist chick laughing at me. Poor evil.

Great Moments In Latino Self Defeat

For those of you that don't know, The NY Mets are run by a fun loving Dominican guy named Omar Minaya.

He has been running the Mets in the ground for a while now. Heretofore, his consigliere has been a dude named Tony Bernazard ostensibly titled the VP of Player Development (but maybe for the duration of this post we can call him Fredo). Really I think Omar just kept him around so he could play dominoes with someone on the road. Anyway, let's just assume Tony (i mean Fredo) took his job seriously. So seriously that last week, Tony showed up to a Met's AA affiliate game, marched right into the locker room, took off his shirt, and challenged the players to a fight. Nice one, Fredo.

The NY Daily News's Adam Rubin broke the story and Omar had no choice but to fire his friend. We can assume that Omar took this personally. During his press conference announcing the Bernazard's firing, Omar made it a point to tell everyone there that the Rubin had been sniffing around the Mets looking for a player development job; the implication being this was clearly sour grapes. In retaliation, Adam made it a point to call Omar an assh*le, though of course we can't hear it because the Mets did not give him a microphone. The video is here.

Nice one Omar. Meanwhile, who can blame Rubin, newspapers are dead anyway.

Things That Make me Say "Good Gravy!!!!!!"

This is the Manhattan Bridge - I take it back and forth between Manhattan and Brooklyn all the time - but I've never really seen it like this before. Good Gravy!!!!! This bridge is really dancing when those trains come across. Engineers must spend a lot of time crossing their fingers after something is built.

Thinking Baseball Statistics

If Derek Jeter plays 8 more years (he would be 43), he would break Pete Rose's all time hits record. But it seems like a long shot that Jeter would play that many more years.

If Ichiro had played his entire career in the MLB, he would definitely break the all time hits record.

Congrats to Rickey Henderson (and Jim Rice, too) for making it to the Hall of Fame this weekend. Rickey was the greatest.

I'm looking at the list of players that are up for Hall of Fame voting in 2010. Here they are: Roberto Alomar, Kevin Appier, Andy Ashby, Ellis Burks, Andres Galarraga, Pat Hentgen, Mike Jackson, Eric Karros, Ray Lankford, Barry Larkin, Edgar Martinez, Fred McGriff, Shane Reynolds, Robin Ventura, and Todd Zeile.

Yikes! What a weak-ass class. Will any of these dudes make it on the first ballot?

- Edgar Martinez might eventually make it but he gets dinged for being primarily a DH in his career.

- Roberto Alomar might make it, but his stint with the Mets was so disastrous that it tarnished his entire career. Plus some lady said he gave her AIDS.

- I guess Fred McGriff has the best shot on this list. But he's far from Rickey Henderson's level of greatness.

Feeling Paranoid

From time to time, people will ask me to read something while they are reading it too. The most common type is this: "Hey, Evil, can you come read this email to make sure everything sounds good before I hit 'send'?"

Invariably, after a few minutes, the person will say to me: "You're STILL reading?"

Yes, you douche. I read slow, ok? I've always read slow. That's why in high school, all my English electives involved writing (e.g., creative writing, journalism, etc) instead of reading (e.g., mythology, masterpieces of western literature, etc). I try to avoid reading as much as possible since I'm so terrible at it. I am both slow and my reading comprehension blows.

Now combine this natural disability with learning a new language and you have a recipe for disaster. I have two teachers right now teaching me two different subjects (one is business mandarin, and the other is HSK preparation, which is a national standardized test for mandarin proficiency). I have a feeling that both of them think I am retarded.

One of them, I think, is playing mind games with me. Every two or three days, he'll ask me, "Soooo... at our current pace of learning, do you feel like we're going too SLOW?"

Too SLOW? I am clearly struggling. Don't you mean, too FAST? Or if you don't want to insult me, just ask it neutrally, like, "How do you feel about the pace?" His questioning is making me paranoid.

You Will Love Dmitriy Martin Whether You Want To Or Not

When Moneyball got put into "turn around" I thought I had evaded a fate worse than death. The rise of one Demetri Martin.

You see, the role of Paul DePodesta (Fredo to Billy Beane's Michael) was to be played by Martin. I figured once the movie "hit dead man walking" stage we could avoid his rise to A-Lister even though he has been on a clear path for some time. Starting with the appearances on the Daily Show, and thru the standing around in a Fountains of Wayne video, and the guest spot on Flight of the Conchords, there has been a sense of inevitability to Mr. Martin fame.

All he needed to cement his place was two things. First, a well placed supporting role in a movie with a big star and second, a lead in a light hearted (though poorly conceived) romantic comedy opposite Amanda Bynes or whoever the next Julia Stiles is.

Then - KA-BOOM - we have to make room for this d*uche on the fame-o-meter somewhere around Dane Cook or Topher Grace.
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Of course, my Christmas does not come early. Friday, as I sat down to watch 500 Days of Summer, there was a preview for a movie that looked charming enough called Taking Woodstock that seems to be about a family who was able to save their little country motel by hosting the greatest rock concert every (or 1969). The film is Ang Lee directed with Liev Schrieber playing a trannie. It looks destined to be one of those charming movies I will be too excited to watch. Except of course, the son is played by Demetri.

You see, I hate Demetri Martin for the exact same reason that Killer B hates Chuck Klosterman. Each is a not so subtle reminder that it is sometimes not that hard to be famous. Chuck is not a substantially better writer than Killer B. Similarly, Demetri is not only not funnier than me. He's not funnier than anyone! His stupid show Important Things With.. is mind numbing.

F You Demetri. F You Hollywood. Thanks

Sunday Afternoon Quick Hits

Thank you US National Team for mailing in this Gold Cup Final against Mexico. Next time, give me a little heads up so I can go find a beach or something (you bastards). That nails it, none of you jokers are going to South Africa, unless you are there to carry Landon Donovan's bags. That's right I said it. I'm looking at you Stuart Holden.
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Aside from my ongoing meditation on women who won't sleep with me I have also been dwelling on the going ons at the San Diego Comic Con! Now that I am not poor, I really should just go instead of whistfully dreaming about it like i've been doing for the last 25 years of my life. Just another reason its really too bad that i did not achieve non-poverty until my mid twenties. Anyway, there are few awesome things to report.
(1)This report gave me a big er*ction.
(2)Thanks to her blog's behind the scenes coverage of her covering the Comic Con for G4(how meta), I can now safely categorize Olivia Munn as Cute.

The NY Times has finally gotten to the bottom of why Kal Penn is working at the White House - apparently being the 300th guy in the White House is more of an big deal than being the 3rd guy on HOUSE, oh and he hated playing a terrorist on 24 a few seasons back. Did we really need 800 words to get me to a few facts that I could have guessed without much work?

How did Evil not lose his eyesight while taking that picture?

I have tickets to All Points West on Friday - I was down for a while because the Beastes Boys had dropped out of the show. Thankfully, HOV has stepped in!

The Universe of Attractive Women

I got into a rather involved conversation with Lil A the other day that just has not left my mind. Somewhat randomly we started discussing 500 Days of Summer and its potential as a movie (solid) and a soundtrack (incredibly high). This conversation took us to Zooey Deschanel and inspired me to write this. Somewhere in there Lil A challenged me to categorize ZD as "cute" or "hot". Arguing that she was more than likely "cute' given her height (short).
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I was bothered by this. I don't think height has anything to do with hotness. I asked her if Katy Perry was then hot by virtue of simply being a taller version of Zooey Deschanel. She said yes. I pushed back. I agreed ZD was "cute" and KP was "hot" but height had nothing to do with it. Katy was also slutty and that's what makes her hot. Zooey Deschanel, more than likely has a great sense of humor and that makes her cute.

I expanded on this later at a taco truck - to myself of course - Lil A had long since gone home to focus on more practical things - her forthcoming wedding maybe. There I came up with 4 buckets; I think they are mutually exclusive and completely exhaustive (MECE). I think you can take any woman you have ever found attractive and place her into one and only one of these buckets.

HOT - Sex. Thats the first and primary thought that comes to your mind; stuff like "Is she en route to getting sex?", "Is she coming back from having sex?", "how likely is she to have sex with me?", "Is she glistening because she is in the throes of sex right now and not because its the middle of July". Examples include: Katy Perry, Megan Fox

CUTE - In a coffee shop, overhearing her speaking to someone else, you can't help but smile or maybe laugh - maybe she's charming maybe she's funny. She's awesome - it takes ten words to notice her but once you don you're done for. Examples include Zooey Deschanel, Parker Posey (mid 90s), Jillianne Harris from the Bachelorette (but only right after make up)

BEAUTIFUL Borderline abstract. She is the first person you notice in the coffee shop. She photographs impeccably. It's hard to not weep. Examples include Jennifer Connelly(forever), Alexis Blendel

LOVELY - There is a classic-ness to the look of women in this group, they are attractive not only today but would be at any point in the history of humanity. A section of this group is also reserved for women from other groups who have crossed their mid 40s. Examples include Leighton Meester, Catherine Zeta Jones


I think this is right. Thoughts?

Goodbye, Sarah Palin

Goodbye, Sarah Palin. We'll miss you and your MILFiness. The only good news about your retirement from the governorship is that you'll get into the National Governors Hall of Fame faster. You're like the Honus Wagner of governors!

Promises Unkept

Hey, what happened to the legal analysis that Turdhurdler was going to do for us? What happened to AutoTuning the podcasts? I've been much looking forward to Turdhurdler's contributions, but it seems that he's nowhere to be found. (Maybe he is on a cruise ship somewhere setting up a gay hooked intranet?)

Peephole Videos

It's been a good week since the Erin Andrews peephole video story broke. I'm amazed by how this story "has legs," as we say in the news business. I have the Google Trends widget installed on my iGoogle homepage and every day for the past week, I've seen erin andrews related searches break into the top 25 of "hot searches." Many times it's been in the top 10. To take a gander, look here:

http://www.google.com/trends/hottrends?sa=X&date=2009-7-18

I hear from Manolo that he too has a collection of peephole videos... of Hosers! Manolo keeps wanting to show me these videos, but I've resisted with all my might. I mean, would you want to watch videos with any of the following descriptions?

- "KillerB takes photos of veggies and spices"

- "Xtian gels his luxurious hair"

- "The Bump takes a massive dump and groans"

- "Sparks skypes to The Cha"

- "Mamacita browsing Japanese pet magazines"

- "Mr. Shoulders berating a blowup doll"

Weekend Quickies

* I haven't posted much lately because blogger.com is really slow when I have to go through the anonymization network to access it. Plus, the editor page doesn't even render fully so I can't do things like attach pics, etc. But now I'm using Mail2Blogger, so I can post just be sending an email to blogger. Wooo! Kudos to the Hose's IT department.

* There was a full eclipse in these parts of the world earlier this week. I went out to Haining (an hour west of Shanghai) to view it. It's surprising how the sky remained relatively unchanged (i.e., still bright) even when the eclipse was at around 95% coverage. But once it's got to 100% coverage, everything went dark. It was just like nighttime.

* I had drinks with one of the teachers who taught my class from earlier in the year. It was somewhat awkward. She's 35, going through a divorce, and has two kids. I think she was trying to make the move on me or something. Awk-warrrrrd.

* One of my current teachers is pretty hot. To me, most mainland Chinese girls fall into the category of "Skinny But Flabby." Meaning, they are thin, but they hardly have any muscle tone at all because they don't work out. This teacher chick is different because she used to run track in school so looks fairly athletic. Fairly. It's all relative, after all.

* I joined a new gym. Most of the people who work out there are locals. There seems to be a lot of people who don't know how to work out. That seems like a somewhat westernized, and judgmental statement. But I mean, they literally don't know how to work out. I've seen multiple people on the elliptical machine spinning away while the screen is still flashing "Press Quickstart, or Enter for Programs." Well, the entire UI is in english, so I guess it's not totally their fault. But still.

Did Anyone Catch Manolo On Hardball the Other Night

Here he is, dressed as G. Gordon Liddy expounding some other crazy horsesh*t, like he did yesterday in the comments section.

The Hosecast Episode 12: The Hangover + Miami + Hosers = Comedy Gold?

Part 1 of 2 - It's a THREE WAY DANCE! Manolo and the Bump stop by to discuss Miami Social, The Hangover and their own experiences in Miami and try to figure out if there is enough to pitch a movie in all of this?

Listen to the whole discussion here.

Subscribe via iTunes here

Crush of the Week: Zooey Deschanel

Every so often, I will notice someone I am totally aware of and suddenly realize she is the most amazing thing ever created.

One such moment happened several years ago, while re-watching the movie "Elf". There was a scene where Zooey Deschanel is in the shower and singing "Baby, It's Cold Outside" - the greatest/sleaziest song ever. Her voice was amazing and she was totally lovely. I was beside myself.

To that point, I was aware of her most as Patrick Fuget's sister in "Almost Famous" and I barely noticed her. To me this was almost a completely different person. Just a few days before this about face, Killer B had suggested we go see a band he was interested in. As a selling point, he told me that Zooey Deschanel was the lead singer and some fellow named M. Ward was also involved. My response was at best tepid. We did not go.

Later, that summer - She & Him: Volume 1 became on of my favorite albums. I found myself playing "Change is Hard" for anyone who would listen. I realized I was completely obsessed with Zooey Deschanel.

She's amazing. She's in a new movie. I can't wait. It's called 500 Days of Summer.

As a bonus, she and M reunited to contribute an sort of awesome cover to "Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want". It's available here.

Annual Golf Trip - PANTS REQUIRED

Tomorrow I head to New Orleans for an annual golf trip with some buddies from college. It's always a great time and I really enjoy catching up with these dudes. The planning is invariably a challenge - where to do it, when to do it, what to do about other dudes that invite themselves...which is why I was surprised at what became the big planning issue of contention this year -pants.
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It started innocently enough when our host, Ryan, who lives in New Orleans sent an email about a restaurant he had booked for Friday night. As a courtesy, he mentioned that attire would be "pants and a golf shirt". This was promptly greeted with a reply from dude#1:

"PANTS!!!! Seriously, it's summer. I wasn't planning on bringing anything other than shorts."

A few other emails followed pretty promptly and I (east coast pant wearing yuppie) was a little surprised to see the debate split evenly between the "Pants Are Crazy in Summer" camp and the "Wearing Pants to Dinner is What Adults Do" camp. Now, in fairness I should point out that all of these dudes live in Texas, where it is 100+ for 6 months in a row. But really - objecting to wearing pants out to dinner on a Friday night in New Orleans? Crazy? Crazy that others agreed?
This sort of thing is good for a high flying marketing executive to encounter. Reminds me I don't really understand how everyone thinks. Even dudes I've known for 15 years.

eclipse

I'm in some city an hour outside of shanghai to watch the eclipse. actually I am in some town outside the city outside of shanghai.

eclipse starts in about an hour. there will be about 6 minutes worth of total eclipse. although it's completely overcast. I won't see a thing.

evil fails again.

The Hosecast Episode 11: Celebrity Death Roundtable

Evil, Killer B #1 and Killer B #2 stop by to discuss the recent run of celebrity deaths and muse on who might be next.

Programming Note - This was actually recorded almost immediately after Michael Jackson died but given the tone of 'cast we decided to hold off till people had some time to reflect and mourn.

Listen to the whole discussion here.

Subscribe via iTunes here

Beacon Hill is Da Bomb

I've been to Boston several times over the past few years for some work stuff and so on. I always like coming here because bumping into old stuff is a favorite hobby of mine, and bumping into old stuff here is about the easiest thing ever. I came up this morning for a quick trip and spent the afternoon walking around. I walked around Beacon Hill. The last time I was in Beacon Hill was in 2004 with KillerB2. I remember she showed me John Kerry's house, so I thought I would walk over there to see if I could find it. I couldn't - but what I did do was remember how freakin awesome that place is. It's like a time warp. I can imagine if I lived there I would pretend to be old timey, but without worrying about all of those silly diseases that old timey people died of.

It also helped that I bought an ice cream cone. Walking around in the middle of the day with an ice cream cone is one of my new favorite things to do. I'm surprised Oprah hasn't done a show about this yet.

No Matter How Bad Your Work Day May Be

At least this wasn't waiting for you when you got to the office this morning (as it was for David Beckham). Personally I would be devastated if I was met at the office by a "YOU SUCK AT MARKETING, ASSHAT!!!" banner.

Outdated Concert Review: Wilco Wappinger Falls, NY 7/18/2009

Last night, I joined Killer B, Beerock and Mark (nickname pending approval) for the Wilco show in Dutchess County NY.

The show was great. It was outdoors. The environment was awesome - a light breeze and some clean country air. Wilco was awesome live and went for about 2 hours. Conor Oberst was tight and a great opening act.

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KillerB put the whole event together. 1 Point for him.

Tickets were like $35 dollars but he suggested we spend an extra $25 dollars for some all you can eat BBQ. We needed to quickly deduct 1 point from his score. This was the worst idea ever. Had this concert taken place in Nashville, I am sure it would have featured awesome smoked meat, ribs whatever. But the residents of Dutchess County NY have a severe misunderstanding of what a Summer BBQ is. About 30 seconds in, I noticed there was nothing to put in my hamburger bun. Not only were there no ribs, there was no hamburgers. What kind of half ass BBQ is this?

Conor Oberst was dressed like the love child of Stevie Ray Vaughn and Prince. I approved.

There were lots of families about. Lots of people committing to being cool even while holding a 2 year old in their arms. The kids were into it. Dancing constantly. I can safely say I saw no one cry (except for Beerock during "I Am Trying To Break Your Heart"). Even during the first encore, well after 10, kids were just passed out on the grass - peaceful. Good job kids! Bad job parents.

My favorite mom was a woman who flew in from San Diego from the show. She dragged her 7 year old daughter along, who wore the cutest Wilco Trucker hat.. The mother made note of us after her daughter overheard me expressing concern over the hamburger bun and three pieces of lettuce on her plate. She asked several questions and made a few comments about flying in from San Diego. The tattoos on her arms made me want to do her right there in the open air or possibly back at her hotel room with her daughter locked in the bathroom. These are the thoughts I have.

I had never seen the Big Dipper before but I did last night. Awesome. What kind of ghetto Boy Scout troop was I in?

Quickies - Dumplings Edition

Evil

Whoa m-er f-er! 99 degrees is bad enough, but it FEELS LIKE 110. That's according to weather.com. But according to my testicles, it feels like a bajillion and 10 degrees. No one come visit me during the summer unless you want to sweat your balls (or ovaries) off.

To any of the High Flying Marketing / Private Equity / Consulting Executives out there whose travels might bring them behind The Gr3at F1rewall at some point, I'd highly recommend this software:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tor_%28anonymity_network%29

That's what I'm using to access sites like Bl0gg3er and FB. Otherwise, I'd be shut out! I shudder to think.

Oh, I just got my Internet installed in the apartment today. Whew! So glad to be connected.

Open Mic Night at the Supreme Court Hearings

Did Senator Tom Coburn just do a Ricky Ricardo voice? Is SoSo now Lucille Balle?

I hear Senator Russ Feingold is going to work "Pow alice! Straight to the moon!" into his questioning...

Programming Note - We are going to recap the whole confirmation hearing with the TurdHurdler, the New Hosecast Legal and Gay Matchmaking Correspondent!

Travel Etiquette and Observations by KillerB

It's a busy time of year for high flying marketing executives, which means my butt has been parked in a lot airplane seats lately. This has given me ample time to put together my Travel Etiquette and Observations series.

Etiquette #1: If you need to fart, do it before you get on the plane. If you really need to fart on the plane, go to the bathroom. If you can't make it to the bathroom, fart just once. But, whatever you do, don't fart like clockwork every fifteen minutes for the entire 6-hour flight.

Etiquette #2: If you are sitting on the aisle, and a person nods towards the window seat, indicating they will be sitting there - stand up, step into the aisle, and let them in. If you think squishing your legs together against your seat is a suitable substitute, you are an idiot. I don't want to give you a lap dance. Asshat.

Observation #1: Girls like it when you offer to put their carry-on luggage in the overhead bin. You would think no one has ever done anything nice for them. KillerB will.

Etiquette #3: Sedate your babies.

Etiquette#4: Don't ask me if I want to trade my aisle seat for your crappy middle seat just so you can sit next to your boyfriend, who doesn't even want to sit with you anyway (I know because he told me so).

Observation #2: Couples on planes are annoying.

Observation #3: No, I don't want a cup of ice with my beer.

Etiquette #5: If you are going to read a newspaper, take some time practicing how to fold it over so your hairy hand isn't hovering above my lap the whole flight.

Etiquette #6: Take some sympathy on the middle seaters. Give them the armrests. They've had a long day.

Why People Hate Politicians: Exhibit A

Because they can't even wear a normal sling. They have to embellish it with a ridiculous seal.

Does any small part of her feel totally absurd? Perhaps her favorite staffer had it made up and she didn't want to hurt any feelings, so she's wearing it? Or, she really thinks it is important to remind us that her elbows are not like our elbows?
(side note: for the first time in my life I'm curious what Hilary Clinton's underwear looks like)

Evil's Shanghai Update

Holy f*ck, it's HOT in Shanghai. Is it scientifically possible to have 900% humidity? I think Shanghai just achieved it. My testicles feel like steamed dumplings.

Outdated Movie Review: Away We Go

I have been way to excited to watch this movie. There are several reasons for this.

It was co-written by Dave Eggers (who made me laugh out loud at his mother's cancer in A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius and made me care about rwandans in What is the What? ).

It was directed by Sam Mendes (who made American males simultaneously more and less gay with American Beauty).

The preview looked very charming.

I am very gay.


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I dragged ET #2 along with me as a prop. It's one thing to want to see a movie like this. It's quite another to go by yourself and break down in tears in a theater as a baby is being born on screen.

The movie is legimately awesome. Early only Maya Rudolph asks Jim Alpert "Are we screw ups?". The resign themselves to finding the perfect place to raise their gestating baby. Their travels take them from Pheonix to Tuscon to Madison to Montreal. Along the way they size up their friends and loved ones as potential examples of successful families. The entire thing would be maudlin if not for the pitch perfect absurdity of several of the people they meet. Allison Janney is hilarioius. Her laugh is disturbingly similar to my godmother's laugh, which for no apparent reason made the whole thing very authentic. There is also some hilarity with a stroller and Maggie Gyllenhall but that's all I'll say about that.

The movie is great. You should watch it. Please be sure to smile the whole way.

There was one joke that looks like it got chopped up in the script to the point where it was lost. Two completely different characters under their breath somewhat accuse Jim Alpert of being afraid of something like the rest of America...it was not well placed or called out in anyway so after the second time i was like like "that's weird". Please explain it to me if it makes more sense when you watch it.

UH OH

yesterday morning a pigeon flew into my bedroom through the open window. it positions itself on my window ledge in front of the other window, which was CLOSED.

stupid bird (or should I say, flying rat) then decided it wanted to leave and proceeded to flying into the closed window. it kept bumping into the glass and flapping it's flithy feathers all around. some murky liquid also splattered all around my window.

I finally got a broom and shooed it out through the open window.

that must have been a bad omen because an hour later I find out that my outbound flight to shanghai is delayed for at least 12 hours. they told me it's leaving the next day "at some point." so here I am at the airport. the entire flight of passengers is here, about 90% are Chinese people and all 100% are confused. we still have no idea when the flight is scheduled to take off.

The Theoretical Moneyball Movie Everyone Would Simultaneously Hate and Love

As many of you know, I spend most of my time doing math at work. I spend all day talking about Bayesian Networks. This translates into two effects

1. I am completely fascinated by the encroachment of math into sports, an area that dominates my personal life
2. I know exactly how uninteresting it is to watch me at work. I video taped myself one day. The most compelling thing was a particularly dramatic sneeze

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I loved Moneyball. I thought it was compelling reading. I loved that that very summer the book was a sensation, the Wall Street Journal became singularly obsessed with explaining every single stat Bill James ever came up. I am equally fascinated by the work Daryl Morely is trying to do with Basketball and the Houston Rockets. I love that his models spit out that my favorite player, Ron Artest, was someone he should go after. This stuff brings joy to my otherwise dreary life.

I am not at all confused about the potential of Moneyball as a film. If you make it a documentary, you will want to pull your eyelashes out one at a time. Baseball is mostly dull to watch, and from first hand experience I promise you, math is dull. There are other issues. By all accounts, the protagonist of Moneyball, Billy Beane, is a mega d*uche of the first order. He thinks he is smarter than everyone and not even remotely sympathetic. So that won't work. Everyone agreed here. So of course the writers decided to focus on Beane's relationship with his contemporaries (first in the NY Mets farm system in the late 70s/early 80s) and later on his relationship with Paul DePodesta and the other future GMs who learned under him, sort of like Entourage. Yawn, it's not 2004, we all need to move on. Soderberg saw this and came in and tried to apply a more documentary feel. I already covered why that's lame.

So here's my thought. If you are silly enough to still be reading that's your fault.

• Show as little baseball as possible. Relegate all scenes to the locker room, the hotel, the bar etc. Baseball is dull on TV. Everyone knows this.
• Play up the NY vs. small town dynamic. Oakland vs. NY. Everyone hates a bully and no one is a better bully than the NY Yankees. Make them look as ridiculous as possible. While we're at it make sure the Mets look like Frank Stallone.
• The natural drama is between the old world of baseball and the new world brought forth by the quants. That tension is potentially hilarious. I think there is a lot to be done with the colliding of two worlds. I like the idea of a broken down drunken, sunburnt scout realizing that he is being marginalized by some preppy MIT d*uchebag. I see the preppy showing the scout what to look for and the scout showing the preppy how to bang a waitress in a public restroom. I see Back To School meets Major League. Is Rodney Dangerfield still alive?
• There is a lot of fun having in baseball. None of it happens on the field. Follow the guys on the road. Build on my earlier theme, we need to catch up with the hoochies they pick up as players roll through the minor leagues. We need to see the silly little towns where minor league baseball is played and the players who get dropped off there. In my mind I see scouts learning that that the need to correlate drinking and banging patterns to on the field performance.I also see hilarity in 15 year old dominican prospects banging the women who host them. I am thinking of Bull Durham a lot here.
• Push Billy to the background, Billy is annoying. The story is not about Billy its about the mathematicians he hired. At most he should be a screaming voice on the other side of a door or on the other side of the telephone. Focus on the quants, play it up like A Beautiful Mind with numbers and patterns emerging from crazy newspaper clippings.
• They also sit in the oldest, ugliest, most out of date stadium in the Major Leagues. Make it a key character. The offices falling apart would be a nice touch and add drama and comedy to all the hours of of watching game tape that Paul DePodesta and JP Riccardi will be doing on screen.
• Take as many opportunities as possible to make former NY Mets GM, current EPSN Analyst and all around media-whore Steve Phillips look silly. This would be the truest element to the book, as the publication of that book basically cost him his job.
• Introduce a fan perspective. Oakland fans are totally insane. They are roughest people on earth, really just Raider fans waiting for September to come. Make sure fans are constantly confused by what's going on - the trades being made, the guys being released. He can serve as a narrator of sorts. Create a key fan character who is likable but totally strange and somehow regularly brutalized by the other A's fans. Ride the Zach Galifianakis wave here and ride it hard.

There you have it, my seven point plan to make a highly successful and very entertaining movie based on Michael Lewis' Moneyball.

Update: Not Alone in the Office, Not High Flying

Turns out a lot of flights from New York to Boston were canceled today, including the one my 3 colleagues were on. Interestingly, the flight our clients was on was not canceled. Instead, they sat on the runway for a few hours, and recently took off.

Before they took off, however, we got in touch with them to let them know our flight was canceled, and thus the workshop they are traveling to attend is also canceled. Unfortunately the airline wouldn't take them back to the gate - so off they are to do nothing in Boston, just so they can fly back here tomorrow morning.

All of which should make for some very awkward moments when we get back together in Minneapolis on Thursday. If anyone has any small talk ideas to break the ice, send them through.

John Mayer Guitar Skills

Evil

Watching the Michael Jackson memorial. John Mayer just finished playing guitar. One thing that I've never figured out about John Mayer is exactly how good a guitar player is he?

Since we at The Hose always feel a need to bucketize things, let me offer up these suggested buckets:

1. Lead Singer Strummer - Someone primarily a vocalist, but has learned a few basic chords and can strum along to some of their own songs. Examples in this bucket would be: Bret Michaels and Madonna.

2. Singin' and Pickin' Bard - One step above a strummer of basic chords, this person has mastered a library of chords and scales and can even play some solos. Example: Bob Dylan, Kurt Cobain.

3. Frontman with Axe Skills - Although known as a singer, this person has legit skills on the guitar. Example: James Hetfield of Metallica.

4. Guitar Badass - Someone with lead guitarist skills and respected by fellow guitarists. Examples: Most any lead guitarist in a successful recording/touring band.

5. Guitar Legend - One of the all time greats. Examples: Eric Clapton, Santana, Slash.

My best guess is that he is in bucket #3. What do you think?

Alone in the Office

I'm alone in the office today. My colleagues are all in Boston. What should I do? What would you do?

The Hose Book Club: Summer Reading Edition

I am reading several books simultaneously. Let me tell you about them.


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I just finished reading A Prayer for the City by Buzz Bissinger. Buzz, who is a humorless mega d*uchebag, is a gifted writer who is wholly committed to his craft. The man who moved his entire young family to East Nowhere Texas just so he could write Friday Night Lights had a unique opportunity to follow Ed Rendell during his first term as the Mayor of Philadelphia in the mid 90s. Sure Rendell, is a compelling figure but what makes this book work is Bissinger's approach. His focus is on the plight of modern urban America, with Philly as its best example. Well written, exciting and insightful I really can't recommend this book enough.


First, an admission - I am a huge Jay McInerney fan. I have read most of it. I thought The Good Life was awesome and I might be sort of alone there. So far this book is great. It's a collection of short stories from the last 25 years of Jay's writing life. Long time fans will note the short stories that were the inspiration for later novels like Bright Lights, Big City and even Model Behavior. All the stories find a familiar pattern. We have a hero, and he is terribly broken. He drinks/smokes/whores entirely too much, forever losing the battle between his true self and his inner urbanite. The urbanite always wins and every protagonist's better angel always loses. Good stuff. Sometimes lighter than pop corn but that's not a reason to not like it.

I have not read this yet, but I loved Carter Beats the Devil. The jumping off point for the novel is a day in 1916 when Charlie Chaplin is seen simultaneously in 800 places. What follows is probably a very detailed novel that intertwines the lives of several individuals (both real and fictional) to tell a story that will probably make everyone a littl sad for a world that no longer exists. I can't wait.

Something Doesn't Jive

Evil

Just saw this pic on the front page of NYT.com. Looks like tickets to the Michael Jackson memorial were just handed out to the lucky lottery winners. Something about seeing someone so happy about getting a ticket just seems weird. It is, after all, a memorial. You know, for a dead person.

Happy 4th!

Evil

Happy Birthday, America! God bless you.

Happy 233rd Birthday America!!!!!

Keep kicking major ass!!!!! (but with an eye on diplomacy, and without any new wars)