Fear and Self Loathing

You ever debate being honest with someone? I do. It's a decision I have to make every 45 seconds or so (or at least lately). It's funny because people always imagine me being brutally honest. Really what I'm doing though, is speaking in overly long winded sentences and then hiding my lies behind a wall of curt and assertive statements which thanks to to the juxtaposition come off as very "honest sounding". But I digress...the point is after all, the internal debate.

The debate is pretty simple. What's the reaction going to be to this genuine moment of honesty, this one time you decide to stand up and wave your hands in the air and are like "Here I am! This is who I am! Please care!" Romantics (and suckers) like to call it "bearing your soul". But really its just about revealing what's actually going on up there in the back corner of your head, the part with all the landmines, that place that dashboard confessional came to fear the most, in that one song, that one time. The truth of the matter is that the first time you reveal some genuine truth about yourself...that first reaction - its the first real acceptance/rejection of you as a person. Everything outside of that is false and can't be counted.

What if she giggles at you? In a cute way, because you're being cute? Is that the greatest day ever? Could be...who's to say? Never really happened to me....

What if she laughs out loud at you, revealing her molars and maybe finish off with a coughing fit? That would not feel good at all. It would feel down right shitty in fact. Not only are you being rejected, you're being rejected as completley ridiculous. Sad Clown Time...Sad Clown Time indeed

What if she starts crying? Granted its not probable, I've never made someone cry with honesty, but have with out in out lies. It's not probable but its also in the realm of the possible...

Who knows why I'm even thinking about this....