The Hose

Ever write a wedding card for anyone?

In the past, when I have stuck to "on registry". It's pretty easy. Most of these stupid websites, only let you put in a message worth about 250 characters or something stupid. Who can communicate any real emotion in 250 characters? Certainly not I, I'm a fucking windbag. I need at least 10x that to say hello (or explain photosythisis)

For Balls and Sandy's wedding, I went "off registry" for a couple of reasons, most of which are not worth sharing with the 8 of you. So, because I went off registry, I could not pull my pattened, "order-something-20-minutes-before-I-go-to-the-wedding-and-blame-Willaims-Sonoma-dot-com" move. So I let the thing sit for 6 friggin weeks, at least part of it was their fault of course, I mean who goes on a honeymoon and doesn't pick up their cell phone? Who drinks for two weeks straight while the Red Sox were making their improbable run. However, about 3 weeks ago, I ran out of fucking excuses so now the blame is firmly mine...WAH!

Anyway, writing the card is hard, I mean dude, the 250 character limit is such a life saver, sure you can't communicate any real emotion, but you also spare yourself the internal debate of how/where to place a penis joke or whether or not to mock Manolo's faca-bruta! 250 characters
"all the best...Please still like me" is about the start/end of it.

Now I got all these decision points. It's crazy. I'm a witty guy, its expected of me. In public, I can communicate elocution and love for expletives in a single sentence. Intonation is also key. I rely on intonation heavily, does intonation come across in writing? Of course, not! I'm walking around writing and reading out loud. Now I'm calling people and subjecting them to whatever the fuck is going on in my head

"would that offend you?...Now pretend you're Balls or Sandy...Would it offend you now? Strike it? Are you off your fucking rocker...I have to be funny its expected of me. I can't let these people down...What the fuck do you know about it? That's why no one likes you anyway!"

It's just not fair to anyone, most of all me! It's really too fucking stressful, Maybe Jon-El was right all along. I started this at 4:30 its now 6:45. SOMEBODY HELP!

I won't even get into the fact that I'm too hung over to hold a pen steady...