Buy an xTian, He goes from Zero to Jerk in 30 Seconds

The weeks leading up to Thanksgiving were challenging enough. My mother has 3 sisters who live in the area and my father has 2. I love them all equally, an easy task since they tolerate my surlyfuckery more or less equally. Upon hearing that I was not going to the Sunshine State, each called me out of pity and invited me to their respective homes for Thanksgiving, a welcome, warm gesture. One that the socially underdeveloped fuck that is me cannot handle. Instead I treated this showering of familial love as a monumental burden, which I shared with anyone who would listen. I explained the situation to a coworker of mine, and though she didn’t judge me verbally, her eyes met mine with a mix of pity and disgust. My mother, long since retired from the responsibility of having to deal with my fuckwadery on a regular basis, called me a few times to laugh and point at the sad corner I had painted myself into. “What are you going to do?” She would ask, half mocking, half testing, her voice challenging me to a complicated game of “who do you love more?” Rather than play her game, I reacted with my typical scorched earth approach:

“Fuck it! I’m going to sit at home and sulk. How does that sound?”

I was proud of my emotional victory and felt compelled to share. Reactions were of course mixed. When relaying this story later to my sales operations manager (who I now claim as a mother figure…because I’m sad…and gay) she arched an eye brow and said “I need to get back to work”. See, just like my mom! Little did I know that my true mother, queen of constant undermining, would have the last laugh but we’ll get back to that in a minute.

My Thanksgiving weekend started ominously enough. After running out early on Tuesday to catch the motorcycle diaries I actually found myself balancing a number of different things that I needed to have teed up for Monday. Regardless, I managed to have all my ducks in a row by 3pm and broke for the door, so I could get up to the Vinegar Factory and pick up some pecan pies to barter as peace offerings for a number of family members that I have alienated in recent days.

I got a call from cousin, who rocks, by the way. She’s all like “I’m in town. I’m returning your call. What’s up” sort of vibe. In mid conversation I recalled that I failed to return any of her brother’s 4 calls in the last month. The correct approach is to stick thru the phone call and call her brother, my cousin back. My reaction is to contrive a reason to get off the phone and act very busy so as to not call anyone back. Ever non-committal, I agreed to make it to Perth Amboy later in the day, knowing full well I had no intention of ever showing up.

On Thursday, I rolled over to Ridgefield Park and hung out with my aunt and her family. All good people, with good hearts, even Monkey Boy 1 is good for a laugh. My aunt was treating me with kid gloves. Something she does not normally do. By 6pm, my youngest aunt called me just to say hi, see how I was feeling and later admitted to “wondering if you was depressed”. Ever since I was 5, there’s been a depression watch for xTian amongst the Velez Family. I can’t just be introspective and occasionally quiet, I have to be depressed and it freaking pisses me off. My mom of course, in reaction to my wise cracks, decides to bust out the “xTian is depressed” saw just to f with me. Luckily I was able to reassure her that I was not at all terribly depressed and doing just fine. My hostess aunt, also found a way to mellow out and lobbed a few fat jokes my way…family is great! By 8pm I was properly drunk and stuffed with pork (turkey is for white people…that’s what I always say). By 10pm I was passed out on the couch, by 2am I was being asked why I don’t like Latina women and being tested on the degree of my self loathing by my aunt’s husband, a man I have genuine affection for. Of course, the defining moment of our relationship includes him pelting me with baseballs for an entire afternoon. That’s a story that probably demands its own post.

On Friday, I arrived in Perth Amboy finally to call on my other aunts and wish them a good holiday. My cousin Maria, pointed out that my father had called on Thanksgiving and implied that I would be arriving late to Thanksgiving dinner, but that my arrival was imminent.

“what did he say to give you that idea?”

“He said, ‘xTian is on his way. He’ll be there shortly.’”

Thanks dad, that’s great! My response to Maria was pretty simple.

“Well, great. I guess I’m a jerk. Let’s go shopping”