The Hose

Two posts for the price of one...

Smells like sex and candy

About a month ago, I started to write my first post on the site but my computer crashed. Being the lazy bastard that I am, I took it as a sign and went to watch TV or something. Besides, I was still upset that Manolo and Scarface were both taken as user names. How am I supposed to represent the Dirty South if I don't have the appropiate user name? How can I? YOU TELL ME....

As many of you know, if you are not in NYC, you need a car to get anywhere. That meant I had to put some money down for some wheels. I went to the store to look at some Escalades and Beamers but alas, I am not rolling in the dough like Evil who is selling enterprise software left and right. I had to settle for a 1998 Ford Explorer which is doing an okay job of taking me around. (By the way, I don't want to hear from anybody how I am supporting terrorists because I spend $45 a week on gas...if you are going to blame somebody, blame Detroit for holding back the engine that runs on water.)

Anyways, being this my first car ever, I am having all sorts of first-time experiences which I am truly cherishing. You know, checking the transmission fluid, changing the oil, rotating the tires, risking rollovers by turning too quickly, having sex in the back of the car, etc. Did you know that the funk from such an adventure, even after thoroughly cleansing the car over and over again, lasts for almost 2 weeks? That is a crazy amount of time...

Notes from Portland
In other news, I spent July 4th weekend up in Portland, Oregon for my friend's wedding. Did you know who was there? None other than the Japanese wunderkid (1/4 of Team Rachel) exhibiting a Lobster red tan from his stay in San Diego. The fact that he is not a Hertz express member meant I and the rest of the party had to hold his golf clubs and wait like an hour for him to get this very stylish 2Fast 2 Furious Camry LE with Neon lights in the bottom. After that brief delay, we were styling and ready to take the city by storm.

On our way to the hotel, we decided to grab some food which mainly ended up consisting of 8 pints of beer from this local microbrewery. After this, we checked into the hotel where we promptly proceeded to see what porn movies were available. We debated the merits of Asian Gonzo and Throbbing Threesomes, and failing to reach an agreement, we went on to watch one of the Williams sister in her semifinal match.

Not being overly excited by tennis, I fell asleep and woke up a couple of hours later (with my shirt untucked and pants unbuckled ???) finally ready to take the city by storm (it actually reminded me of the little TV break Xtian, Little Big Head and I took about a year ago before we wrecked havoc in Miami and got chased off by the Russian Mafia).

Anyways, our main activities consisted of eating food and having informal symposiums which involved jugs of cheap Chilean wine (Gato Negro) bought at Rite Aid. We debated again such topics as the hotel's selection of porn and Xtian's all-encompassing Metrosexuality. We also debated how Japanboy should have responded to the hippie that yelled at him for unknowingly trying to crash a Blues Festival whose entry fee consisted of $5 and 2 cans of food.

By the way, on this trip I found out that JapanBoy is a closet Metrosexual himself. He had enough fancy gels and moisturizers in that bag of his to mummify David Beckham himself...Metrosexuals of the world unite...