The Hose

Evil

SNAPSHOTS FROM MY TRIP TO ROCK BOTTOM

One. Fruit flies! You damn fruit flies! Where did you all come from? I don't remember inviting you to come over and hang out. There are hundreds of you! You know what, I wouldn't even mind it so much if you all just kept to yourselves and loiter around my garbage cans. But man, is it REALLY necessary for you to prance around my laptop screen when I'm trying to surf internet porn? C'mon man...

Two. How did this package of ground beef find its way into my fridge? All I have in the fridge is a Brita filter, half a watermelon, half a bunch of scallions, and a package of ground beef. How random, but I'm not questioning it. I'm starving. I am thinking burger. No bread? No matter. Atkins style! (*Pats ground beef into patty shape. Pat, pat, pat. Salt: Sprinkle, sprinkle. Cracked pepper: Grind, grind.*) Tosses burger patty onto grill pan. Mmmmm. Longest 5 minutes of my life. (*Flips patty*) Damn, 5 more longest minutes of my life. (*Scoops patty off of grill pan... right onto the kitchen floor.*) ARRRRRGH! Screw it, I'm eating it anyway.

Three. On the phone with The Korean Drew Barrymore:

KD: Hey, what've you been up to?
Me: Oh nothing. Not working or anything. What about you?
KD: Actually, I've been working for a couple of weeks now.
Me: Oh. Congrats!
KD: What kind of work are you looking for? Maybe I can help you...
Me: I'm sure I'm beyond help at this point, but thanks.

Four. On the phone with my mom:

My mom: It's getting hot again.
Me: Yeah, it was hot today.
My mom: Is it hot in your apartment?
Me: Yeah, pretty hot. Sweating up a storm.
My mom: Don't you have air conditioning?
Me: Not right now. The air conditioner is stashed in your basement. We took it out in the winter, remember?
My mom: Oh right.
Me: Can you bring it back at some point?
My mom: (Sighs heavily) You live on the 5th floor. The air conditioner is heavy.
Me: Mom, you're not going to bring it back for me?
My mom: No.