Notes from Boston
(or rather notes from Northern NJ, where the TV has been stuck on MSNBC for 4 days)

Boy do the democrats know how to throw a party! The only other fiscally conservative bunch i know that can get down like this just got indicted over that whole Tyco mess.

It seems to me that the fundamental strategy for this campaign is "Assume most people are as disturbed by GWB's born-again fuckwaddery as we are, drag our asses to the middle of the road, and try not too piss off too much of the core lefties." Sure that worked for Bill C. but he's a lot different than Frankenstien. No one wants to bang Frankenstien, where as everyone (men, women, children and EVIL) really wanted to hook up with Bill. I'm hating myself for saying this, but thank god Al Sharpton got to speak...


The convention over all was a bit of a drag but one interesting story that developed was the race to see who on the dems side could match the sheer over the top sexiness of the president's nephew, George Prescott Bush. As you may recall GPB made a spectacle of himself during the last RNC in 2000, jumping in front of every camera in sight, just so Uncle George could point to his mexican nephew...

The race came down to a few contenders

Barak Obama	Ben Affleck
Dennis Kucinich	Chris Heinz

You can vote here for your choice....

Evil

A one-armed, zero-legged man in introducing John Kerry. The one-armed, zero-legged man has a cheery smile. More cheery than I would have expected.

He's also fatter than I would have expected. For some reason, I always expect one-armed, zero-legged people to be skinny... gaunt. But no! Mental stereotypes have been broken tonight.

Evil

They're playing a bio-video of John Kerry. Morgan Freeman is the narrator. YAY! This is the best part of the convention thus far. Morgan Freeman rocks!

Evil



Vanessa is the younger Kerry daughter. She looks like my left foot. Alex is the older Kerry daughter. She looks like my right foot. My root foot with a nose job. Her nose looks spectacular! Good for her for getting that nose fixed!

Will these two girls stop telling dumb-ass stories about their dad. Girls, the country couldn't care less. Really. Who is the strategist in the Kerry camp? That person sure as heck isn't George Stephanuphalous.

Is it too late to pick a new Democratic nominee? I really wouldn't be able to stand having this family in the public eye for the next 4 years.

Evil

Andre Heinz is speaking now. He's quite awkward. What a weird looking dude. He just introducted John Kerry's two daughters.

Can I ask you a question? How ugly is John Kerry? I'm not just refering to the fact that he looks like he died in 1998. I mean, he's unconditionally an ugly dude. I just realized how ugly he is... whoa! His two daughters look like my feet. Damn. Them are strong "ugly genes" he's got.

Evil

CNN is showing Larry King interviewing Bob Dole. Bob Dole looks scary! The man is 80 years old, yet... he doesn't have a single wrinkle on his face. His skin is completely smooth. Pulled tight. CMON! There is something amiss here.

I think Bob Dole is dead. His face looks really waxy. It reminds me of Uday and Qusay Hussein after they got shot up and the morticians re-built their faces in wax. Bob Dole is creeping me out. The Republicans just lost my vote. I am going independent.

Evil

Madeleine Albright is on. Who gave her a speaking role? Why don't I have a speaking role? This night of the convention is going straight into the shitters. Holy cow. Kerry sucks monkey balls, and I'm saying that based solely on how boring this convention is.

If I were running this show, Jamie Spears would be the keynote speaker. Holy cow, have you seen her lately? She looks exactly like her older sister, except that I'm pretty sure she hasn't been sullied by Colin Ferrell.



I would also have Mary Kate and Ashley speak. They look like little toads, but cmon. When you think of entrepreneurship, who do you think of? Yes, Mary Kate and Ashley. We should all try to be more like them.

Evil

PBS is showing all the second-tier speakers, but CNN is not. Instead, they have some real-time analysis by Wolf Blitzer and Judy Woodruff. I think Judy Woodruff is a little sexy for a 60 year old. I wonder what getting BJ from a 60 year old reporter would be like.

Evil

They gave Joe Lieberman more time than Wes Clark? Why is Joe still on the stage? Someone give him the gong, please! Someone take the hook and pull him off the stage by the neck. Who's running this show?

How did Joe ever get anywhere in politics anyhow? I swear, I'm going to run for the Sentate in CT.

Evil

Switched to PBS (Ch. 13). They are still showing Joe. Bad move. That guy just lured the entire crowd to sleep. The entire convention hall is dead silent. Except for some snoring.

Evil

Whoa! Joe Leiberman is on. DANGEROUS BACK-TO-BACK COMBINATION. Who planned the schedule tonite? This blows!

Joe is giving props to Barack Obama. People are cheering. That was cheap. Pandering to the crowd by riding someone else's coattails. Ooops, CNN just cut away from his speech!!! Hahaha. Looks like the director got bored too. DUDE! They cut away to Wolf Blitzer, who promptly threw it to a commercial. This is great.

Evil

REAL-TIME BLOGGING!

Wes Clark is on. They gave him the 8:15pm timeslot? That's 5:15pm on the west coast. Dude, they gave him 6 minutes. No respect. Poor Wes Clark.

I'm listening to this guy talk and I can't imagine how he could have been an inspiring general. Has anyone ever been inspired by Wes Clark? I might go take a nap now.

Evil

TWO GUYS, DESPERATE FOR FAME

In lieu of having a publicist who is actually aware that she's our publicist, I am appointing myself to the post of Interim Director of Online Marketing for The Hose. And I've already executed my first marketing campaign! See how good I am?

Here's the deal: XTIAN and EVIL are two dudes who are desperate for fame. Specifically, we NEED to get on VH1. On-camera work. Fame! Failing that, we might settle for an on-camera role on MTV.

As such, we need to get our good work (this blog!) in front of some VH1 and MTV executives. As of right now, The Hose has a marketing campaign running on Google. Search for any VH1 or MTV executive, and there should be an ad targeted toward that exec, promoting The Hose. For example, Mimi James is VH1's SVP of Talent and Creative Development. Search for her on Google and look for our ad!

(If you don't see our ad and it's late in the day, it could be that we've exhausted our ad budget for the day. But try again the next day!)

Just for kicks, here is the list of VH1 and MTV executives whose name should work on this campaign:

VH1
Christina Norman President
Doug Rohrer EVP and General Sales Manager
Michael Hirschorn EVP News and Production
Nigel Cox-Hagan SVP and Creative Director
Laura Nelson SVP Communications
Cliff Lachman SVP Production and Development
Ben Zurier SVP Programming Strategy
Mark McIntire SVP Sponsorship Development and Integrated Marketing
Richard Gay SVP Strategy and Business Operations
Mimi James SVP Talent and Creative Development
Melissa Cobb VP Motion Pictures and Television

MTV
Judy McGrath Chairman and CEO
John Cucci CFO
Herb Scannell President, MTV Networks Group
Van Toffler President, MTV: Music Television, MTV2, and MTV Films
Harvey Ganot President, MTV Networks Advertising Sales Worldwide
Bill Roedy President, MTV Networks International
Brian Graden President, Entertainment, MTV and VH1
Brent Hansen President and CEO, MTV Europe
Frank Brown President, MTV Asia Pacific
Larry Divney President, Comedy Central
Cyma Zarghami President, Nickelodeon
Albie Hecht President, Spike TV
Christina Norman President, VH1
Brian Phillips SVP and General Manager, CMT
Li Yifei Managing Director, MTV Networks China
Karen Flischel Managing Director, Nickelodeon International
Alex Ferrari COO, MTV Networks International
Carole Robinson EVP Communications
JoAnne Griffith EVP Human Resources
David Sussman EVP Law and Business Affairs and General Counsel
Doug Rohrer EVP and General Sales Manager, MTV and VH
Susan Danaher EVP and General Sales Manager, Nickelodeon/Nick at Nite and TV Land
Tina Exarhos EVP Marketing, MTV and MTV2
Tom Calderone EVP Music and Talent Programming, MTV and MTV2
David M. Gale EVP, MTV Films
Dave Sirulnick EVP MTV News and Documentaries
Lois Curren EVP MTV Series Entertainment
Michael Hirschorn EVP Production and Programming, VH1
Betsy Frank EVP Research and Planning
John Shea EVP Sponsorship Development and Integrated Marketing, MTV Networks
Jeannie Kedas SVP Communications, MTV
Linda Alexander SVP Communications, MTV Latin America
Laura Nelson SVP Communications, VH1
Nigel Cox-Hagen SVP and Creative Director, VH1
Jason Hirschhorn SVP Digital Music and Media, Music and Comedy Group
Michael Day SVP Finance
Michele Megan Dix SVP Music and Talent Programming, MTV and MTV2
Kevin Mackall SVP On
Cliff Lachman SVP Production and Development, VH1
Charlie Singer SVP Programming and Production, MTV Latin America
Ben Zurier SVP Programming Strategy, VH1
Janet Hill SVP West Coast Communications
Melissa Cobb VP Motion Pictures and Television, VH1
Jeff Goldberg VP Program Planning, Spike TV
Tatiana Rodriguez VP Programming and Acquisitions, MTV Latin America and Nickelodeon
Ian Rowe VP Public Affairs and Strategic Partnerships
Alicin Reidy VP Public Responsibility
Tim Rosta VP Trade Marketing, MTV and MTV2
Kim Rozenfeld VP West Coast Programming and Development, VH1
Joe Simon CIO
Graham James Director of Communications
Graham M. Wallace CFO, MTV Europe

Evil and I were Available
Here is a former classmate of ours (apparently) doing an appearance at a Target openning.


I would have thought she'd be too big a star for something like this, but Evil and I as F list celebrities would be more than willing to appear at a Target Opening. Guys like Sleave and Manolo are so hard up for appearances they're showing up at Grey's Papaya at 3am greeting hobos as they get egg sandwiches...they'd do this sort of thing in a second...

We need a publicist.....fast!

Evil

Whoa! What is about to happen in this photo?! Are Middle East relations THAT good now?

Evil

MMMMM

Let's go to the driving range!

Evil

TREND SETTER

People, "The Internet" is the next big thing. Take it from me!

Where are our credentials?

Neither I nor Evil were contacted regarding this. I think our publicist is sleeping on the job.

Evil

The cool thing about having site stats and raw logs is that you start to realize how many people wander upon The Hose purely by accident. Well, OK, only 1 person. But hey, considering that this site has 7 readers total, 1 accidental visitor is not bad!

Someone dropped by looking for "scarlett johanson". Hey you retard, learn to spell!

Evil

Isn't it pretty gay to start a fight while having your catcher's mask, catcher's mitt, and catcher's pad still on? I mean, cmon. Show a little toughness already.

Evil

GUESS WHO'S THE CLOWN (both of them)

This is sort of a lay-up. But you need to guess who's who to make it count.

GWTC1: she will be out tonight
GWTC1: you coming?

GWTC2: no
GWTC2: cant
GWTC2: go spread the word tonite
GWTC2: get viral

GWTC1: [jweb] thinks we're insane

GWTC2: you could literally "get viral" by bio-engineering a virus
GWTC2: and calling it The Hose virus
GWTC2: that's taking viral marketing to a whole new level
GWTC2: why does he think that

GWTC1: a virus that sets all urls to go to "thehose.blogspot.com"

GWTC2: no, i mean a real virus
GWTC2: if you catch it, it gives you diarreah
GWTC2: for like 4 days and then everything is OK again

Evil

I think I've become a fan of Sleeve's competitive blog. I checked in this morning, and to my delight, there was a new post and also a kick ass custom logo to go with the post. Imagine that! A custom logo just for a post!



Look at that creativity... merging the Parks logo with the MLB logo. Look at that attention to detail. That's not a regular bat, it's a whiffle bat!

Good work, Sleeve. You competitive butthole you.

Evil

Sometimes I feel like this guy:

Evil



Props to the NY Post for putting the white man in his place! (Granted, this is the German white man, and not the white man in general, but hey, it's a start.) I look forward to the Post printing "Honky" in 192 point font on the cover...

I Need Eyes in the Back of my Head.
Someone has a competing blog. I don't know if I am more upset about its existence or the fact that it was hidden from me. Maybe what I'm really upset about is that Sleeve put all this effort here instead of working on getting us a workable logo for The Hose.

Evil

Feeling unpopular and unloved, I went and ordered this...



Now that I'm an adult, as Xtian would say, I get to spend money on frivolous things. I don't even have mp3's! I am just going to carry it around so people will think I'm cool. It's the new iPod, baby!

Debauchery
 
I am sorely dissapointed that there was an Astoria reunion this weekend involving some members of this Blog and nobody has posted any stories about people getting drunk or getting into a fight...Or how somebody proposed marriage and got turned down? What ever happened to the good old times of taking your shirt off and dancing on top of the bar.  Or is it the old adage, what happens in Astoria stays in Astoria...
 
Anyways, I am going to be in NYC from July 23-26 and I expect some wild crazy times. I think July 24th will be a total loss but we can make something happen the other days. Does anyone want to volunteer themselves or do I nominate Xtian and Evil to arrange the venue, the hours, and the strippers?
 
Let me know...

Evil
 
GETTING OLDER BUT NOT GROWING UP
 
Early Sunday, someone called me, sounding distressed. "Yo," he says. "Yo, whatup," I say. "Yo, help me figure something out," he says. "Yah, whatup," I say.
 
He wants me to walk him through how I manage to pay my rent each month. Specifically, now that he's graduated business school and has a job working for The Man, he himself wants to know how he's going to make his own rent payments.
 
How absurd is this question? Someone who is going to pull in well over six figures per year should not have dillemas about maintaining food, shelter, and clothing at livable levels. I think someone needs to grow up. I think someone needs to stop prefacing his sentences with "Now that I'm an adult..." and actually starting being an adult.
 
Shout out to Someone Who Does Not Know What She Wants (SWDNKWSW)!
 
Evil, OUT.

Evil
 
IT'S ALRIGHT MA, I'M ONLY BLEEDING
 
The building public announce system just came on again. It was the building Fire Safety Director again. It was him telling everyone to disregard the fire alarms. Again. You know what they say. Where there's smoke there's fire. Hah. Stupid pun. But seriously, if they keep getting on the PA system and telling everyone to ignore the fire alarms, I am just not going to come in to work anymore. I don't want to die and then have my family go to my apartment to collect my stuff and then discover all the internet porn I have in my cache.

Creating a healthy sense of self loathing is good for everyone and better when you are the traumatizer rather than the traumatizee 
 
When I was little, I was equally cute and crazy. As such I was capable of inspiring a wide range of emotions. When combined with mother’s apparent tourette’s syndrome it would lead to some interesting results. 
 
Periodically, mother would spy me playing with GI Joes and stop and stare. After some time I would look up and she’d quickly turn away. It was quick but in my mind’s eye I always imagined she was looking at me with mild disappointment. Grief stricken, I’d look down…and then it’d come…in a high shrieking voice with chin up and some sick mix of pride:
 
“MONKEY!”   

Yes her declarations were sporadic. But the impact of her cruelty hung over my head everyday in exactly the same way the smell of fried plantains clung to my jeans.
 
Thankfully, along with the loud smelly mess came the Bumpasaurus and I was allowed a reprieve. No longer was I the victim of the vicious monkey chant, but in turn it was now left for Bump, and really he deserved the title more. As a toddler he sucked his toes happily and seemed to have arms longer than his legs. Of course even this minor happiness would be taken from me. My maternal uncles and aunts, young enough to never take themselves or anyone else too serious took to calling us both “monkey boy” and even developed something of a theme song, “mon KEEEY BOOOOY! Mon KEEY BOOY”
 
After some time, we both got over it. Whenever someone yelled “Monkey Boy”, one or both of us would look up and reply as though someone had not said something really offensive. Just once, either bump or I should have had the courage to say something like “You wouldn’t call us that if we were black!”…that would have fixed it…maybe…probably not…
 
Like avictims of sexual abuse or a kidnapping victim we soon sided with our oppressors. Rather than break the cycle, we immediately began looking for our own victims to dehumanize. Our younger cousins all fell victim at one time or another. It didn't always stick,  besides “monkey girl” is far meaner than it ever was funny. That is until came the most ultimate monkey boy, or as the Bumparsaurus refers to him Monkey Boy 1 or MB1 for short.
 
Dude, MB1 is on a different level. His arms are so gangly that when he walks he comes off like an elephant trying to put a condom on with his nose. He might be the messiah of monkey boys. I suppose that would then make the Bumpasaurs his John the Baptist, announcing his arrival. On a good day, I might get to be Abraham but more than likely I'm probably just Jonah sitting inside a fat whale begging for repentence.

Worst Sports Moves Ever

Lost in the hoopla of Shaq and Kobe’s divorce is the fact that the NJ Nets traded Kenyon Martin for 3 lottery protected draft picks.  Now I recognize that real story here is Shaq/Kobe revealing that the true source of their issues over the last couple of years is their on again off again love affair but I just can’t seem to care. What I am interested in is the deranged, stuttering maniac from my home state. The self professed “Bad Ass Yellow Boy” is the heart and soul of the NJ Nets and now he’s gone and the Nets are going to be horrible and it sucks. Yes he has a temper problem, and that stuttering jag is unnerving, and he has no jump shot and his knees suck. But he’s the fifth or sixth most intimidating guy in the NBA. Guys like Antoine Walker and Jermaine O’neal shit their pants when they see K-Mart coming.
 
This Bruce Ratner guy is a complete clown. Not only is he a fundamentally evil corporate stooge but he needs to make everything about that. Who buys a sports team and tries to run it like a business. He should meet the guy who owns the Texas Rangers, Tom Hicks, that guy made his money in LBOs and he runs his freaking team like it’s a monopoly game. Sports teams are big boy toys you dumb f*ck! Why don’t you focus on what you do best, displacing the working class of the five boroughs with his luxury high rises and other offensive crap. Jeez I hate this guy.
 
Having said all that, I think the NY Jets absolutely deserve a Manhattan stadium and their owner, Woody Johnson is a spectacular human being.
 
The most unnerving thing about the Lakers trade is the only guy they got back was Lamar Odom and the Goods, though a great player is a mess. That guy, in his eyes, it says that he’s one terse comment away from doing coke lines off a fifty year old tranny prostitute’s belly.

Too Punk Rock for This
 

I might be too punk rock for this. I’m not sure yet and I’m somewhat scared that I will figure it out too late to be able to do anything about it, that somehow I will come to the conclusion just before I am on the verge of a major success. Right there as papers are about to get signed and plans are about to be made for what to do with all the money I could make, I will realize that I don’t give two shits about the Escalade and I’ll do what everyone who’s ever been self defeating has ever done…you know…defeat myself. Pee on someone, maybe share a racial epithet or two…whatever gets the job done.
 
It’s really odd. On paper I got all the tools to make for someone who can do well in corporate America. It’s like I’m Mike Mamula or Tony Mandarich to large corporations - a big tool with lots of upside. Instead of having a vertical, or impressive bench strength (actually I have that) or great wing span (wait, that’s a check too…I’m practically proportioned like a monkey) Instead of these things I have the “combine” credibility corporate America values, I have good height, solid (borderline great) academic credentials, a full head of hair that promises to continue stay black well into my fifties before settling in a mellow salt/pepper blend, all topped off with a scary blend of wit and charm. At the end of the day I got all the things that matter except I guess for membership in the illuminati.
 
But like I pointed out earlier I just might be too punk rock for all of it. You’d figure somewhere over the course of business school someone would have stopped me and pointed this out to me. Shit, how did I get into B School in the first place?  There are a couple of tell-tale signs:
(1)   The way I wear my hair – Inspired by Ewan MaGregor’s Catcher Block in Down with Love, I recently started coifing my hair with a part and a half comb back. Except my part is not a straight line drawn with a comb its sort of zig-zaggy much like a road allowed given over to overgrowth? The end result is that instead of inspiring a early sixties hipster I end up mocking the convention with small rebellion.
(2)   I don’t button my cuffs. Buttoning cuffs are for the un-inspired. People who button their cuffs are basically just giving in to the Mullahs of corporate convention. What, will I get flogged if I don’t cuff my buttons, so what if I wear a French cuffs shirt but disregard the cuff links? What then, what will your fashionista gestapo do then? Nothing that’s what? Nothing
(3)   My Chipped tooth – There’s nothing more ghetto than a guy missing an eight of his front tooth. I’m keeping it street yo!
 
I didn’t even get into the fact that my wristwatch looks like I took it off a dead midget gimp with a crystal meth addiction that I saw/touched/smelled  in a dark alley…and maybe it is best if we don’t revisit that topic again. Even the punk in me don’t need no jail time.

Evil

I want to be David Blaine. I watched his old magic special, "David Blaine: Street Magic," on The Learning Channel yesterday. It reminded me that I want to be David Blaine. I want to be famous. I want people to be captivated by me. I want to levitate and have girls on the street freaked out by my magical powers. I want to make random people's clothes disappear. (And I'm not talking about you, Mr. Shoulders. Calm down.)

I thought to myself, What's with this obsession for fame? For attention? What is going on here?

I will tell you what... and I told my shrink the same thing... the happiest times of my life were when I was a kid and had a cold and my mom would take care of me and make me feel better. Unfortunately, I was a relatively healthy kid, so I really didn't get that kind of attention so often. Why couldn't I have had juvenile diabetes? Or lukemia? Damn, some kids have all the luck. This is why I turned out so messed up.

Evil
 
It has come to my attention that I am now within striking distance of having posted the most words on this blog! Here is the current count...
 
Me: 24,327
Xtian: 24,650
 
And that's not counting THIS post!
 
Because my life is essentially empty, I need to engage in absurd competitions to keep me going. As such, I am devoting myself to overtaking Xtain. Whatever it takes!
 
Tomorrow, I am playing golf with Kentaro. I will probably post a hole-by-hole recap of my round. "Hole 14, third stroke... there was a slight wind behind my left shoulder... 147 yards to the pin and I was feeling confident with my 7 iron..."
 
You will be bored to tears, but see if I care!

Evil

I am not kidding, this might be my last post due to death. The fire alarm came on in my office building. But then the fire marshall got on the speaker system and said "Do not be alarmed. We have a smoke condition on the second floor, but it's under control. Do not be alarmed."

That was two minutes ago. I am waiting for him to get on the speaker again and say, "Do not be alarmed. We have a smoke condition on the 9th floor, but it's under control." Dude, I am on the 21st floor. If the smoke condition get above double digits, I am jumping out the window and taking my chances.

PS - If I die, someone please manage my estate. My baseball cards should be sold on eBay, except for my Don Mattingly 1984 Topps rookie card, which should be buried with me. That's the extent of my estate. Not too much work, so please don't screw this up!

Evil

THE HOSE BBQ

I'm taking a short break from the intense planning session to tell you all, our loyal readers, about the upcoming The Hose BBQ. I'm telling you, XTIAN and I have been up day and night putting this together. It's not going to be like any BBQ you've ever been to before.

Our first order of business is figuring out how we can get Sleeve the hell out of town so we can use his rooftop deck. After kicking around various ideas, we concluded that luring the kid out of town is just way too much effort, not to mention, way too unpredictable. This BBQ need to go off without a hitch. So the going plan is to tie that sucker up, gag him, and stick him in his own closet for the duration of the BBQ.

Now, with that out of the way, let me highlight for you what it means to throw a BBQ, The Hose style...

Hooker Pinata - Because our readership consists mostly of angry males, we'll have a hooker and a whiffle bat. In no way are we condoning violence against women, but you put two and two together. I personally will be too busy working the grill to care what the hell you do.

Sausages aplenty - In addition to being angry, our readership generally is withholding a lot of homoerotic angst. Therefore, when you find me at the grill, you can be sure that I'll be roasting nothing but sausages and weiners. This is all for your enjoyment. You should thank me.

Roofies on the Roof - One of the funniest things I ever heard was how one of the authors on this blog (who shall remain nameless, for obvious reasons!) went and drugged himself with roofies. Imagine that, trying to date rape yourself. But anyway, while said author is tied and gagged in his closet, we will raid his roofies stash and dump it into one of the punch bowls. We will try to label the bowl correctly although I can't guarantee anything because XTIAN is in charge of that and I can't even count on him to use readable english in his emails.

Live webcast - For those of you who can't make it to the BBQ or are too afraid for your physical safety to show up at such an event, there will be a live webcast. However, please note that the webcam is be place down my pants. Again, this is for your enjoyment.

Lastly, I'm happy to announce that The Hose BBQ will be a family event. That means Future Wives are invited, including my own. (The Future Mrs. Evil -- where have you been? I haven't seen you since your birthday party!!!) Additionally, the new puppies of Future Wives are also invited. Younger brothers are also invited, in fact, strongly encouraged to attend, so that when we make fun of you, others have something to point to and laugh.

Please RSVP to thehose@gmail.com.

Evil

I'M LOOKING BUT IT SEEMS SO HARD TO FIND

People, I need to become famous. Not just any type of famous. I need to be in entertainment. Hollywood. I've been looking for my launching pad to fame. I checked on craigslist and didn't find it listed. I checked on eBay, but it wasn't for sale. I Googled for it, but no results. For every day that passes and I'm not famous, the world is missing out on my uplifting humor. Not to mention that my penis is missing out on some uplifting T&A.

Will someone give me a show on TV already? I mean, how many cracks at TV shows is Ahmet Zappa gonna get? John McEnroe? He has a show now. C'MON! You have GOT to be KIDDING ME! ARE YOU SERIOUS? That guy hasn't been relevant since my pre-pubescent days. Back then, my sister didn't have boobs and now she has a kid. The world is changing and I think the world is ready for Evil.

What would Evil do in entertainment, you ask? Well, I am multi-talented. Next to me, Wayne Brady looks like a singing and dancing clown who sold out his identity to entertain the white people of America. Oh wait...

First of all, I could have a late night talk show. Sort of like Conan O'Brien (self-conscious, awkward humor) meets Beavis & Butthead (un-self-conscious, awkward humor). I could also have a nationally syndicated cartoon strip. Has anyone seen the cartoon section lately? There are about 35 different strips, but you'd only recognize three of them. Now that I think of it, I can't even remember which three those are. Go pick up a paper and check it out. You'd be dumbfounded by the crap that's in cartoon these days. My cartoon will be about our hero, Evil, and his gay sidekick Xtian. See? It's both ironic and un-ironic at the same time. Genius. I should also have a recurring column in Details magazine. Sort of like Davis Sedaris, except that I don't suck cock.

Hollywood execs, I am your next big find! Drop me a note (thehose@gmail.com) and let's make something happen.

Evil

THE BEEF WITH KOBE

I don't know what to make of Kobe Bryant. As expected, the news came down this morning that the Lakers had traded Shaq and even though all parties deny it, everyone knows it's because Kobe wanted Shaq out. Ok fine. There was also the firing of Phil Jackson. Most people generally accept that Kobe was pulling the strings here. Me me me. That's what everyone's saying about Kobe. Oh, and after all this, Kobe might actually bolt and go play for the Clippers. He even wanted the Clippers to play some games at the Pond in Anaheim, closer to his house. Everyone's saying that Kobe is selfish.

And oh, one last thing... this guy is still on trial for rape. At the end of the day, he might end up in the slammer.

But here's what I don't get. How did all this happen? Two years ago, Kobe was squeaky clean. Remember? Huge success story of a kid coming out of high school and making it in the league. People liked to mention how he was raised in Italy and speaks fluent Italian. And when he got married -- especially because he was young -- people said that Kobe was a good family man and not interested in chasing ass at various NBA cities around the country.

I've concluded that PR is a fickle bitch.

Fundits

Since returning (triumphantly) to NY, people have been recognizing me on the street and approaching me. After asking for an autograph, exposing their genitals and occasionally urinating on me, they start asking me questions. The most prevalent question has been something like this

“Yogi Xtian, how would you describe the Hose?”

I never have a solid answer. I mean who can describe a blog maintained by 3-9 random people all failing to push their respective agendas both online and in their personal lives? Its very difficult you should try it some time.

Well, the other day it hit me. I was reading a NY Times article about VH1’s new programming for the month I Love the 90s. Mo Rocca (a genius and someone I myself once tried to pee on in central park) termed himself a “fundit”, a fun pundit! Brilliant! That’s us exactly. We, the contributors of The Hose are, are Fundits! We are not Michael Ian Black from The State but rather Michael Ian Black from Best Week Ever, fitting snuggly on the comedy spectrum between Sharrod Small and Miss Info.

(Miss Info btw, recently revealed on Hot 97 that Janet Jackson has two kids and they’re like teenages! What!? Who? When? I need proof! Who has some?)

Anyway, we’re fundits and that jives very closely with the goal Evil and I recently hatched. Our goal for Q3 is to kick it up a notch on The Hose and take ourselves to the next level. What does that mean here? It means a couple of things
(1) Consistently higher quality humor - Everyone has to take it up a notch, people like Manolo have to progress past the macho man, latin lover routine and take to the next darker level, like a sexual predator in clown make up or a gay shampoo specialist whatever works for you Manny, follow your instincts.
(2) Media Relations – Starting this week, all death threats, media inquires, hate mail and dirty picture should be sent thehose@gmail.com Hopefully we can create a deeper level of interaction with you, our reading audience of 7. VH1, if you need me, Evil, Sleave, Buckethead or (lord knows why) the Bumpasaurus to appear on Best Fortnight Ever or I love 2003 please don’t hesitate to hit us on the email.
(3) Greater reliance on you our customers. If all seven of you evangelized The Hose just enough to get us one more reader we would then have...you guessed it...14 readers, that in this hyper segmented market of entertainment options would put us in front of a fresh new episode of Summerland or North Shore in terms of eye balls. Some people have been very successful in using pressure techniques. KenTak 3 has apparently forced his girlfriend, Dr. Susan Calvin to read The Hose under threats of leading a robot uprising. I'm not saying everyone should go to this extreme, I am just sharing what has proven successful.

Evil and I are planning to have a Hose BBQ, and everyone's invited. We're just waiting for a weekend when Sleave is out of town so we can use his roof deck in peace.

Ok, I’m going to go figure out what the deal is with Janet Jackson and her 16 year old daughter.

Long-Time Poster, First-Time Reader


I was listening to NPR this morning while I was driving to work and they were talking about the 15th International AIDS Conference. I know this is a serious topic but for some reason I couldn't stop giggling like a little Puerto Rican schoolgirl abducted by her 6th grade teacher...

Perhaps it was because they kept mentioning BangKok and THAIland in the same sentence...Who knows?

Perhaps I am bad person but I think I will have exhibited the same childish if somebody kept talking about Lake Titicaca....hahahaha! You just said Titi and Caca!!! hahahaha!

Manolo's Communist Propaganda

I have gotten (or rather the Editor has gotten) some messages which have voiced grave concern regarding my posts and the direction to which I seem to be taking the Hose.

I will like to express my sincerest apologies as my intention is not to offend anyone. I am just a very forthright individual and feel very comfortable discussing all sorts of topics in its nitty gritty...

Nevertheless, I have decided to tone it down a bit...for everyone's benefit...

So last night I had this young woman over and after "watching a movie" we did the old cuddling in the arms bit...Anyways, all of a sudden she blew raspberry noises in my tummy...what am I? A three month old baby...

Therefore, I felt compelled to execute a pre-emptive strike and kicked her out my place...If she felt comfortable blowing raspberry noises, what would prevent her at a later date from biting my ass or for that matter, sticking a finger up my...?

Woooohhhhhh

Shaving of the balls?

I consider myself a considerate lover...I am always aware of my surroundings and I try to pick up as many signals and cues as possible. I also try to be as discreet as possible. For example, when I am giving oral pleasure to a girl and a "p" hair somehow makes it way to my mouth, I casually get rid of it. You will never know I was choking to death...In the other hand, when a chick gets a "p" hair in their mouth, they make a big production of it. Sometimes it sounds like a cat trying to get rid of a hairball...And its not like I am Chewbacca or something...

Anyways, I am currently contemplating shaving my balls...is that something the kids are doing in this day and age or is that too metrosexual? Is that outright gay? Not that there is anything wrong with that...

P.S.- Anybody excited about the new Andy Dick show "The Assistant." That show is going to kick "The Apprentice" out of the water...

i need an apartment, studio or one bedroom. some one help me out


thanks
xtian