Oh No...

I think Scarlett is great across several dimensions. I don't even think she has a bad voice. It's not great but its cool sounding. After she issued an album of Tom Waits covers she decides to cover one of the great songs, Jeff Buckley's - "The Last Goodbye". The cover itself lacks...it just lacks.

What is wrong with her?

Evil Superbowl Party Imperative

Do what is right Evil. Make this.
http://www.bbqaddicts.com/blog/recipes/bacon-explosion/

Ready, Set, Sexism!

omg...the 40 second mark! Brilliance!

The Saddest Songs I Could Think of

Listening to X-tians Ryan Adams playlist reminded me that there are some really sad songs out there that I really, really like to listen to. So I thought I'd put a playlist together of some that came to mind. If the world hasn't given you enough to cry about lately, enjoy!

Goodbye, Ryan

Randomly, when I lived in Berkeley, I went through a fairly intense country phase. I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to sort out the progression from Uncle Tupelo to Wilco, and subsequently coming up with a position,simultaneously pro and con, on the Old 97s....the sort of thing you do when you have nothing to do but smoke some pot and contemplate the universe I guess.

One of my favorite discoveries from that time was Ryan Adams. His first solo album, Heartbreaker bordered on inspired. Gold, a later effort, had one of the prettiest songs ever on it - "When the Stars go Blue"; a song later covered by Andrea Coor. By the time I came upon him he was already shifting gears, aggressively playing with arena rock on 2002's Rock-n-Roll.However, between the recently released Demolition, his collection of b-sides, and tracking down his older work as the frontman for Whiskeytown I had more than enough to keep my engaged. Of course, when I finished all that he was good enough to release a pair of EPs - Love is Hell Part I and II (2002).

You might see a pattern forming here.

Back in NY, I read Ryan had taken up with Parker Posey and started a band. I was pumped. A few years earlier I had relegated Ryan to someone who was capable of nothing more than one or two perfect melodies per album. Of course, I liked Cold Roses (2005). So did a lot of people. He rewarded this new found faith by releasing the terribly forgettable Jacksonville City Nights and 29 over the next 8 months. He was suddenly everywhere. He was even modeling in a John Varvatros ad.

I was done.

In 2007, I saw Ryan sing "I Taught Myself How to Grow Old" on Letterman and almost cried myself into a stupor. I told ET #2 about the song. ET #2 likes her songs sad, like me. She agreed it was great. I remembered what I enjoyed about his stuff. Articles trumpeted Ryan's new found sobriety and hailed the album Easy Tiger was one of his better works in years. Best of all, his band was growing around him and his stuff was better because of it.

Rather than rush out the next album 3 months later, he and the Cardinals toured extensively. I liked 2008's Cardinology a lot. Finally, I thought we were on the cusp of something great, rather than one or two great songs surrounded by a lot of crap. Of course, these hopes were fleeting.

Last week Ryan announced he was quitting music for a while so to focus on his writing.

He has 3 books planned for 2009.

2010 Oscar Buzz... XTIAN!

Check out this trailer... xtian is already getting lots of buzz for his role as the crime detective in The Lodger. The movie comes out on Feb 10th. Viewing party, anyone???

Whoa

Star Trek + JJ Abrahms = Geek Heaven!

Political Quickies

Evil

• Caroline Kennedy looks like the ants from the animated movie Antz.

• Why were people freaking out so much about Obama and Justice Roberts messing up the oath of office ever so slightly? Was it that big of a deal constitutionally?

• Now that the prez has announced the closing of Guantanamo, it's funny to watch the cable news and see everyone freak the fuck out. "How will we protect ourselves from these terrorists?"... "Will they be let out into our own communities?"... "Will they return to their home countries and resume their terrorist ways???"
  

Dirty Secret Of The First Family

Sent in to us by one of our readers! (I will not mention the name to protect the innocent. Nora can identify herself in the comments section if she wants to be revealed.)

Ask xTian: The difference between the 3-4 and 4-3 defense in football

This is a great question. I will answer in two parts

(1)What is the difference between the 4-3 defense and the 3-4 defense?



On the left in red, we have a base 4-3 defense on the top lining up against your typical offensive line. On the right in red we have a base 3-4 defense. There are few differences to note.
(1) First, and most obviously in a 4-3 there are four down line men with one hand touching the ground. In the 3-4 there are three down line men. The remaining defenders in the box are made up of linebackers who at the hike of the ball are more or less standing upright.
(2)In the 3-4 the Nose Tackle(NT) is expected to demand the attention of two offensive line men. By doing so, the NT can in effect neutralize any potential running lane up the middle for the running back and/or create an opportunity for either the weakside or middle linebacker to attack the middle. The extra linebacker also limits the overall effectiveness of a running back who now has to deal with one more guy on the field who can keep up with him. In the 4-3, the defensive linemen attack the gaps between the offensive line men and hope to intercept the running back at the line of scrimmage. As you can imagine in a 4-3 linemen get more sacks and tackles than in the 3-4 where the linebackers have to do all the playmaking.
(3) In the 4-3 the primary pass rusher (usually attacking the left tackle) is a defensive end (DE) who mixes speed and strength to attack a quarterback. In the 3-4 the same pass rusher is usually a larger linebacker who uses the same mix of speed and strength to press the quarterback but starts the play in an upright position.

Everything on the football field is about trade offs. Abstractly, trade off being made is that the the 4-3 makes it easier to get to the QB vs. the 3-4 which improves the chances to stop the run. But realistically it will always come down to personnel. The Giants in the 80s ran a 3-4 but you could not tell because one of their linebackers was Lawrence Taylor and his only responsibility was to hit QBs. Around the same time, Buddy Ryan introduced the 46 defense, so named for his Free Safety who basically lined up with the linebackers in a base 4-3, basically putting another blue bubble in that circle. Pretty revolutionary really.

(2)Can't players be flexible enough to play both defenses, and switch up as the game conditions dictate?
Sometimes but not often. The players used in each scenario actually have different physical attributes.

You will notice in the pictures above, below the position I have listed a series of weights. For the offensive line, I used the Philadelphia Eagles in both diagrams. The Eagles are currently the biggest in the league. It should be pointed out that the Eagle tackles, Tre Thomas and John Runyan are both 6ft7. To put it plainly they are big. To be dramatic I will call them an "immovable object"

So we need an irresistible force, right?
For my protypical 4-3 defense, I used one of the better defenses in the league, the NY Giants. You will look at their weights and scratch your head "these guys are small! How could this possibly work?" Pull out a physics text book:

Force = mass x velocity

Yes they are relatively small but they are also incredibly fast. The ends are almost as quick as linebackers and the linebackers all share above average speed. Most of their sacks come from beating larger offensive linemen off the ball and getting by them. Its pretty neat to watch.

For the 3-4, I chose the NY Jets. You will notice that the NT (Kris Jenkins) weighs 350lbs. He is the biggest man on the field. He's a pretty weird athlete. He could overpower any single lineman relatively easily, so he usually commands two defenders. His lineman also have the responsibility of attacking one on one, so they have to be close in size and strength to the offensive linemen they line up against.

It's just plain hard to ask Giant defensive linemen to ever line up in a 3-4 scenario. The linemen they have on their roster (usually around 6) are all optimized for the 4-3 scheme, trading size for speed. They just don't have any one to be a Kris Jenkins type and the opportunity cost of having one of these guys on the bench is really high and grows exponentially when a player gets hurt.

It's easier to go from a base 3-4 to a 4-3. When you do this, you ask your 3-4 linemen to play a different role than they they are accustomed to, making tackles etc. The Jets would shift periodically with mixed success. Its unclear that this provides any competitive advantage. The Giants had a better defense than the Jets in most categories.

There are exceptions. The New England Patriots start at a base 3-4, but depending on the opponent or even the game time situation they will take out the linebacker and put in another lineman and switch to a 4-3. Not every team can do this. Again this is due to personnel. Most of the Patriots linemen and linebackers are similarly sized so they trade off very little when they do this. They are also incredibly well coached.

Pajamas: 6:37PM

Lately, when I come home after work, I immediatly put my pajamas on. Sometimes I come home at 10, so this makes sense. Sometimes I come home at 6:30. Does this also make sense? I never used to do this. I would have described it as 'depressing'. Now I describe it as comfortable. Maybe it's the weather?

Is anyone else in their PJs from the moment they get home?

GRUMPS

Super grumpy today. Things that annoy me:
1) People calling me from their car phone and saying "What? I can't hear you. I'm in the car."
2) People that pick up the phone and say "I can't talk right now." If you can't talk right now, send the call to Voicemail.
3) Phone numbers that look like this: 1-866-CITIBANK or 212-FLASHDANCERS. People don't remember actual phone numbers these days anyway, and everyone who has cell phone/PDAs do not have the correct number/letter mapping. Seriously. Change your ads to adapt to the times.
4) People who are behind me in line for the subway, and then try to go around me to get in first. Seriously. We are going to the same place. Just wait.

Ask Xtian - Super Bowl Edition

Evil

Dear Xtian- With the Super Bowl less than 2 weeks away, I had a football-related question. What is the difference between the 4-3 defense and the 3-4 defense? More specifically, why do people always talk about it like it is fundamentally such a big deal for a team to play one defense vs. the other? Can't players be flexible enough to play both defenses, and switch up as the game conditions dictate?

Ask xTian: The Speech

All day people have been coming up to me asking me the same question "xTian, President Obama's speech was not very great. I mean there was no '...but fear itself' line in there at all. What gives?"

A few immediate reactions
It is my position that history will tell us if there was a great line of any sort. It is unclear if anyone knows what they are watching when it happens. Apparently, one of the few notable exceptions was Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. Of course it had the benefit of following some cornball who banged on for one hour reliving the battle and reading his "honey-do" list. By the way, I might be alone here but I've been thinking to myself that there are a lot of similarities between Lincoln and Obama. I do not understand why the media has not picked up on this more and discussed it.

There were more allusions than I knew what to do with, it was like a foreclosure sale on history (beat). What did Washington at Valley Forge have to do with anything? I guess it was cold out today...

The speech was demonstrably muted. We all know he can get a crowd to its feet. My theory is that he simply chose not to. People are using the word "sober".I think that's a good word to use especially in light of all the excess of the last 8 years. Everybody needs to sober up and go help your fellow man or something. While you're at it stop hoping some dude is going to walk in and lift your spirits every other week. He's busy trying to save the country you self involved goons.

The whole idea of "our better history" was neat. It also gave him a chance to rail on our recent history. Ronald Reagan tried to "starve the beast" and mostly succeeded. He was so successful that the next time the Democrats came in, there was no more talk of a "Great Society". All the sudden we started balancing budgets and talking about how "The Era of Big Government is over". WTF? Way to roll over Bill! Of course, if these months of bail outs and crises have shown us anything, it's that this was all hogwash. Thankfully, Barack took back the baton and reasserted the potential to do good with government. As dessert to that main course,he made sure to remind everyone that the US has a leadership role and slapped our GWB for his unilateralism and occasionally reckless foreign policy. Jimmy Carter was there to, but the President did not poke at him at all. Poor Jimmy, always getting ignored...

If there is a lesson in all this its this. Don't walk up to me in a Starbucks and ask me about stuff like this. Your coffee will get cold while you politely stand there listening to me bang on endlessly.

BTW- I am looking for a picture of George H W Bush and his wife Barbara. First off, 41 was sporting a nifty hat. He and his wife wore matching purple scarves. They looked great on TV.

The Inauguration

I just saw outgoing VP Dick Cheney in a wheel chair? Go America!

woe is me! woe is me!

I am feeling sorry for myself and simultaneously beating myself up, mr shoulders style. I had a Sunday redeye back to new York. flight was at 12:50am, that is, 50 minutes past midnight. Sunday morning! gyres who thought it was supposed to be Sunday night? ugh.

at the airport now. trying to get on a standby flight. it's mlk day so tons of travellera getting home after a long weekend. the agent told me it's iffy whether I will get out today. waaaaaah.

The Hose Book Club: The Wordy Shipmates

People usually don’t try to discuss history books in book clubs. It is very hard; what are you going to do? Fact check? Comment heavily on prose? Yawn! Who wants to do that in a book club, virtual or otherwise? The reason we are discussing Sarah Vowell’s The Wordy Shipmates is because I read this review for it in the NY Times. This Virginia Heffernan person is clearly humorless but I wondered if there was some truth in her argument. Are we who enjoy this stuff somehow part of this massive poseur conspiracy of entitled liberals sipping free trade coffee and finding new and inventive ways to ironically study the founding fathers just to sound more interesting at cocktail parties? I wonder if we and more generally the people who listen to “This American Life” are just plain trying too hard. Thoreau said that “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation”. Maybe he got it wrong. Maybe, we are not that quiet at all. Maybe everyone around us is to busy desperately listening to NPR podcasts on their iPods to notice anyone else. It could be our very own little Matrix...

I say no, I say that’s nonsense. This book is preposterously enjoyable. Other historians, such as Doris Kearns Goodwin, have it easy. Abraham Lincoln and his cabinet of the manically insecure (Salmon P. Chase) and elitist, east coast dandies (xTian…I mean William H. Seward) are totally fascinating and have an insurrection as a backdrop just to keep things moving along. Even Evil could make that interesting. Ms. Vowell spent the entirety of Assassination Vacation wandering around the US pointing why a relative of John Wilkes Booth has a statue in Gramercy Park and staring at street corners in D.C. where assassination plots were hatching hoping to catch inspiration. Somehow it works. Her premise is that the notion of American Exceptionalism firmly ties the United States to its Puritan roots. Focusing on how the Puritans that came to America took the idea of John Winthrop’s “City on a Hill” to heart and pursued a vigorous intellectual debate on the topic of this shared responsibility to a completely preposterous end, in the case of Roger Williams anyway, Vowell tells a compelling story that made thoroughly entertaining and enhanced by her use of punchy, colorful language. Does it go too far? Sure, Anne Hutchinson is not a “Puritan Oprah” but it is funny to imagine her as such and if you can stop giggling enough to read around it you might actually learn something. This is the AP History Class I always wished I sat in if Aaron Sorkin went and re-imagined it for TV.

So I enjoyed The Wordy Shipmates and I think Virgina Heffernan is a killjoy. There may of course be a deep rooted reason for this. Simultaneously to reading this book, I also picked up Shakespeare Wrote for Money - a collection of essays by Nick Hornby on his reading fetish originally published in the Believer Magazine. It just so happened that Vowell wrote the introduction. Towards the end of the introduction, Ms. Vowell chastising herself for not being more like Hornby; devouring all books in sight and how instead she spent a lot of time watching episodes of Battlestar Galactica. I have the exact same problem. If she is a faux-indie girl full of pretense then maybe I am as well. I’ve been called worse things

Full Disclosure - I hate NY’s NPR station, but I am also that dude. I has listened to NPR stations across the country and actually have an opinion one way or the other. WNYC is legitimately lame so I never listen to this American Life on the radio. I do listen to the podcasts at night, to help me sleep. It’s an important part of my life, but my reasons why very closely resemble damning something with faint praise so I usually avoid talking about it.

one of the upsides of unemployment

I haven't had coffee in two weeks. then again, you don't need coffee when you're sleeping 10+ hours a night.

Scenes From A Starbucks: San Francisco Edition

Evil

At the Starbucks across the street from A&T Ballpark in San Francisco. Hey, I have a question for you Hosers... at what age do kids usually learn fractions in math class? The table next to me is occupied by a middle aged lady and her son. She is teaching him fractions from his math workbook. He must be stupid because the kid is about 10 years old.

more sf quicky

I don't know if this is a pro or a con... this spare house that I'm staying in has no food at all. it has not drink either. as in, no juice, soda, bottled water, or Brita filter. the ONLY thing in the fridge is 4 bottles of wine. I usually take my multivitamin in the morning. is it ok if I wash it down with Sauvignon blanc?

Book Club !?!?!?

Guys,

I finished my book review at the car wash at lunch. It's Friday and no one should be reading the hose over the weekend. I plan on posting it on Monday to spark some lively early week debate.

Who else is pumped about next week's Inauguration?

Happy Friday,

xTian

bay area quickies

been in the bay area for almost a day now. some quickies:

PROs:

- 70 degrees, cloudless. sun shines on your face and warms it. feels nice.

- staying in a 3 bedroom house all by myself.

- no planes crashing into the bay.

CONs:

- this 3 bedroom house is in the burbs of south San francisco so there is nothing around (except other houses)

- this house has not actually been lives in INS while so it doesn't have stuff like a working Internet connection

- reason why this house hasn't been lived in? it had a case of deadly mold! mold has since been cleaned up by licensed professionals but I was still told, "you stay there for 4 days. after that if you're still OK then we can move in next week."

Ummm.....

Not exactly the magnanimus farewell I had expected. Part of me was hoping for a nice big speech that I would have to wrestle with - that I would somehow have to reconcile with what I've come to expect.

Problem solved.

A Bug's Life

I have this extraordinary ability to put facts together in anticipation of events. This was developed at a very early age. In fact, I used to wear a plastic headband with antennae, but have now learned to be more discreet. You can imagine how handy this becomes. I have been able to spot Xtian pensively assessing whether a girl is drapering material at a bar, and vice-versa, before the drapering even happens! Or, on New Year’s Eve prior to the unfolding of many shenanigans.

This is not so rewarding in the office. For example: there is a reorganization announcement pending. This will affect me. I have been spotting clues for months. It is going to be announced tomorrow to the whole company, since a spontaneous town hall has been scheduled. I feel pretty certain about this. I am not sure whether I am bothered by this reorganization and afraid of the change, or the fact that I am able to predict this, which means that these skills of mine are largely untapped and I should probably be paid more.

kwyjibo

I know a lot of Hosers play Scrabble, so when I was taking a nice hot bath with the latest issue of the New Yorker that arrived this afternoon, I was asbestos litigation delighted to see a lengthy article about a scrabble championship that took place in NYC recently. While the article was entertaining, what really had me chuckling was a reference they made to the Simpsons, which I had forgotten:

"In a famous episode of 'The Simpsons' Homer, Springfields Bottom, draws 'oxidize', but plays "do", while Bart tries to sucker him with "kwyjibo" - a species of ape, he explains, dumb and balding, that's native to North America".

Man, do I love the old episodes.

So, Hosers, I propose if and when Facebook creates challenge games, "kwyjibo" be grandfathered in as a 1000 point word ("do" remains 3 points).

Legal Advice?

KenTak3 and I have discovered that our wedding photographer is truely MIA. Like when we call, we get a this-is-Verizon, number-no-longer-in-service message.

As a married mamacita, I have resolved to be less micro-managing and controlling across work and personal life. (Read: feel free to let me know if you observe these changes.) Even though KenTak3 is now stuck with me, I just thought it would be a way to give back to everyone around me. In this example, I have resisted calling photog, trying to be laid back, go with the flow, call us, we won't bother you for our photos.

Since it was the new year, and we had not heard from him, I thought I would check in via email. And then phone, after receiving no response.

It was definitely a very bad idea to wait so long, and now looks like we are never going to get photos and should start seeking some professional guidance.

ET#2, can you help us? If not, then I suppose we'll take anyone who can. Even an asbestos litigator would be fine.

Weeknight Addictions

Cold weather, a diminishing work ethic, and DVR means that I am watching more drama-laden reality shows. Current favorite: The City on MTV. It is not possible to leave the couch during this 10 - 10:30 PM window.

Crap, I never expected to be glued to this storyline. Stylish fashionistas and staggeringly handsome rockers mix and mingle though all the hot spots of Manhattan (mostly ones I have never heard of).

I can't remember what my life was like in NYC when I was 24, but I am pretty sure it was not like this.

By the way, I am taking notes so that in a few weeks, we can start to follow around the cast and hit on them. It's never too late to revisit the past.

File Under: "Awkward Parental Interactions"

Evil

I am 32 and unmarried so naturally, there is some parental consternation that results from this. My parents try not to bug me about this matter too often, but from time to time, they can't seem to resist "reminding" me.

Usually, these reminders are not only annoying but invasive. Why do they keep trying to pry into my life? However, once in a rare while, my parents will ask in a way that's actually heartfelt. I remember once my mom said to me, "You know, it doesn't matter to me whether you marry a Chinese girl or not. She can be white or hispanic or black. All I care about is that you find someone that you care about and that you're happy." Sort of nice, right?

I was just talking to my mom about my Shanghai trip planning. And then all of a sudden, by the shift in her tone of voice, I start to think "Uh oh" because I know what she's about to bring up. She starts: "You know... while you're in China, you should try to meet some women. It doesn't matter to me whether they're from the north like Beijing or from the south like Shanghai..."

I start to roll my eyes. Another reminder!

She continues, "... I just want you to meet someone and if you like her, you should get to know her better." She pauses just a bit and then finally adds, "But only if she's already an American citizen or has a green card. If not, don't even talk to her!"

Pet Peeve Of The Day

Evil

At my gym, there are only two water fountains for the entire top floor. It's a pretty big gym, so two water fountains is not nearly enough. Every time I go for a drink of water, there's always a line. But the most infuriating part is that only one of the fountains ever gets used!

Both fountains work fine actually. They are side by side, tucked into a little nook by the towels. One water fountain is at normal height for normal people. The other fountain is to its left and at a height for either midgets or people in wheelchairs. Everyone uses the "normal" fountain and no one ever uses the "short" fountain? Why? Because when you drink from it, of course you have to turn your head to the side so the water goes in your mouth. Why is this bad? Because when you turn your head to the side, your nose goes right into the armpit of whoever's drinking out of the "normal" fountain. UGH!

The Perils of Unemployment

Evil

KenTak3 and I have the same mortgage broker. A few weeks ago, KenTak3 mentioned to me that he's refinancing his loan to lock in at a lower rate. That KenTak3 is so smart. Since I basically try to pattern my life after KenTak3, I wanted to do the same. I dropped the mortgage broker ("MB") an email with the background (my current rate, loan type, etc) and then she gave me a call...

MB: Hi, so you want to refinance your loan?

Evil: Yes

MB: Well, looking at your current rate and the rate you could get now, I'd say go for you. There's definitely a savings. We can prepare the forms and send you a copy to review and sign.

Evil: Great! Actually, there might be one hangup. I'm currently unemployed. Does that matter?

MB: Umm, that's a huge hangup.

Evil: Wait! I have a lot of money in the bank. Cash, baby!

MB: Give me a call after you find a job.

Drats! I knew that unemployment would become an inconvenience sooner or later. Oh well.

Watching Oprah So I Don't Have To

Dear KillerB2:

Thank you for watching Oprah. I really appreciate it. As a married couple, there are a lot of efficiencies we've realized - things that only 1 of us has to do, but both of us benefit from. Cooking, for example. I love cooking, and I think I do a pretty good job of it, and we have a terribly tiny kitchen, and you aren't so into it, so that's something that I'm happy to do for the both of us. Forever.

On the other hand, you love watching Oprah on your Tivo, and you often give me 30 second summaries of the show which I often find helpful and informative (but occasionally idiotic - that man giving birth to a baby episode, for example). But I could never, in a kabillion drillion years, imagine I might sit through a whole episode myself. So thank you for that. Thank you for saving me from ever needing to watch Oprah, despite my admission that it might be useful.

If you ever want to know the Cubs score without watching the Cubs game, I've got your back on that too.

Love, KillerB

Transcript from My Not-iPhone

Evil: Mamacita, I really think the Hose needs a new design, but I can’t seem to get my act together to work on it. Can you help?

Mamacita: Now, Evil, you know that one of your NY Resolutions was to try to be less of a slacker. Put a plan together and you can make it happen.

Evil: I am trying, Mamacita. But I just can’t seem to get off my couch. I can't even text message with more than one finger. And, no one is as good in executing as you.

Mamacita (blushing): Well, okay, Evil. I have many projects going on right now, but I suppose I can try.

So, if you haven't noticed, the Hose is currently undergoing a redesign. Thanks for your patience, until we get the right theme going!

Marisa Tomei

I just got done watching The Wrestler. Brilliant.

I cannot seem to get Marisa Tomei out of my head She's as lovely as ever. She's on the cusp of getting her third Academy Award nomination. She was a Winner for My Cousin Vinny in 1991 and was nominated for In the Bedroom in 2001. She's 44 and she has spent the last year appearing in movies being all manner of naked.

Have we been underestimating her along? Or is she rated exactly right?
Anyway, more Marisa Tomei...

What Ever Happened To...

Evil

Jason Sehorn, the greatest cornerback to ever play in the NFL. What ever happened to him?

Hosers International Conference

Evil

The Hose is one of the Internet's fast-growing websites. But our audience is largely US-based. I propose that the Hose editorial board put together a plan for international expansion. In order to do that, we probably need to hold an International Conference.

I'll throw out a suggestion: let's meet in Macau in the last-March '09 timeframe. We can huddle in a hotel room and come up with an awesome international business plan doc. Then we can go gamble. And the next day we can go to Hong Kong and eat all sorts of great food. And then after that we can go to Shanghai and get custom-tailored shirts and suits. While we wait for our suits to be made, we can go get massaged by highly-trained Chinese girls.

Hiding Out In China, Spring '09

Evil

OK, starting to get my China trip planned and stuff. I've outsourced two very important tasks to my parents, which is making me a little nervous.

1. You can't get a China Visa for a stay of more than 30 days. My friends who have stayed in China for longer have all told me that they've either re-newed their passport while in China or have flown out to Hong Kong or Bangkok to get a new Visa. Renewing in-country is risky because they can always deny you for whatever reason. But as with all things China, if you have guanxi ("influence" or "know people"), you can get things done. My dad says he is good friends with someone who works at the Consulate and can get me a Visa for 100 days. He says he'll see his friend this weekend. But as with all things related to my dad, I don't know if I believe him. Waiting eagerly to see if the Visa comes through!

2. My parents go to China about every year or two. My mom says she can get me a business class ticket for around $1000. That is a great deal because when I went on Orbitz, $1000 couldn't even get me a coach class ticket (coach tickets were $1200 and up). My mom asked me if I wanted her to ask the ticket agent she uses. I was like, "Yes! Please do!" And then she said, "OK, I'll check for you next time I go to Flushing. The ticket agent has a desk inside one of the Chinese bakeries on Main Street." WHAT!?

Will probably be in Shanghai starting Feb 5th or so. Stay there til May 5th or so. And then back in New York briefly before tagging alone with Killer B and his wife on their trip to the Galapagos. Hahaha.

Feelers

Evil

1a.) I'm thinking about hosting a Super Bowl party. Wanted to put out feelers to gauge interest. See which Hosers might be interested in coming. If enough people are interested, I promise to follow though and actually do it, as opposed to Killer B, who kept mentioning something about "holiday cocktails" at his place but never made it happen.

1b.) I've been keep track: In the last 3 times I've seen Mamacita, she has twice talked about people that she wants to set up with Xtian and Le Trois. Once she has actually brought a person for Le Trois to meet. Mamacita specifically tells me, "I have no one for you. You have too much going on already." I think what she is really trying to say is that she does not want to subject any of her friends to me. Fine, be like that!

1c.) Mamacita has also mentioned that she needs a low-pressure venue for such setups. A Super Bowl party could be one such venue.

Some things

1) I think I like the way Evil puts a lot of small ideas in single post

2) I'm watching the football game. At the coin toss, the ref said "the side of the coin with two helmets on it is tails". That's pretty dumb. I guess the 'heads' side had a logo or something, but still dumb.

3) Yesterday my downstairs neighbor was laid off. Her husband was laid off late last year - shortly before their wedding. That's rough. She had worked there for 3 years. Security escorted her out immediately. WTF?

4) KillerB2 gave me an inflatable pillow to use in the bathtub for Christmas. Best gift. My neck feels great.

waiting

at momofuku noodle for a late lunch. waiting for my pork belly ramen to arrive. yum! then headed to happy hour with some ex coworkers.

did you all see the old high school pics of evil twin #2 that someone posted on facebook? they're awesome! the retro pic thing on facebook is going nuts. half the pics that people post of me are from like 18 years ago. do I need to relive those awkward years???

Who Does This???

Evil

Was just at Starbucks. Saw one woman eating take out sushi at one of the tables. Saw a man eating take out Chinese at another table. Who does this??? Is bringing food into Starbucks and eating there a new thing to do now? Where are all the people with the Macbooks supposed to park?

Brilliant Idea

Evil

Watching Chris Matthews on MSNBC and he just blurted out a great and very original idea. He said that Rod Blagojevich is brilliant but we just need to harness it for good. So once Blagojevich gets convicted, he should be sentenced to improve community service in this country for the next 10 years.

Product Placement

Evil

Shoutout for a cool product that lets you make your iphone, ipod, and other devices look more sweeeeet! Gelaskins. Check em out.

Questions

Evil

1. Who is the greatest (male) actor of Johnny Depp's generation? (He's 45 years old. Let's say a generation is +/- 20 years.)

2. Who is the greatest actress of Reese Witherspoon's generation? (She's 32.)

I say the answers are: Johnny Depp and Reese Witherspoon, respectively.

Major Announcements!

Evil

Jeb Bush felt compelled to tell everyone that he's not running for the Senate. Then Chris Matthews had to set the record straight by telling everyone that he's not running for the Senate. Evil is not one to be left out. So I am writing this post to tell you Hosers and all the world that I do not intend to seek a Senate seat in 2010.

Additionally, like Bill Cowher, I do not plan to coach in the NFL in 2009.

scene from a starbucks

sitting here trying to read my bible but there is a lot of animated talking coming from the table besides me. a fortyish woman is jabbering away at an attractive teenage girl. the girl is typing on her laptop. the girl looks sullen and has bad posture but her face is quite attractive. at least, it is young.

the woman is dictating an apology letter meant to go to either a teacher or some kind of admissions board. the letter apologizes for copying a passage from a book without properly citing it. the words ""I didn't mean to" and "plagerize" are mentioned.

poor girl. seems like she is in a bit of trouble. she couldn't write a report all on he own. sort of ironic... seems like she can't write the apology note on her own either.

Crazy person

Known She-male and reputed political pundit, Ann Coulter showed up for a slap fight with Matt on the Today show...

It just makes you want to watch more Regis

My impression of a Mamacita post

Tuesday Quickies...

Happy Tuesday, Hosers! Here are some quickies...

• I am trying to grow a beard for "Manuary." The key word here is trying because the results have been a little spotty. Not big surprise there, but it's still fun watching the beard try to grow in. I look in the mirror about 25 times a day now. Need to check on the beard and see how it's doing.

• For me (and many others, I suspect), veggies taste better when they taste meaty. That's why you can make a "burger" from a portobello mushroom. It has a meaty texture and look. I had some swiss chard in the fridge yesterday and decided to try something new: adding achovies. Like this: Heat some olive oil and minced garlic until the garlic starts to get aromatic. Add two achovy fillets and break them up in the oil. Add a bunch of swiss chard and heat til the leaves wilt. Season with pepper (no salt since the anchovies already provide saltiness). I quite liked the result because it tasted very meaty to me.

• iPhone app recommendation: Ward Warp. It's a pretty addictive game. I've been playing it every day to help my Scrabble training. Need to recognize words faster! Must... defeat... Mamacita! (And everyone else!) Evil Twin #1 played Word Warp for 2 or 3 hours straight while bumming on my couch on New Years Day.
  

Something To Do After The Ship Has Sailed...

Evil

When we were all at dinner the other night, Mamacita leaned over and whispered to me, "I vote for S.T."

I asked, "S.T.?"

"Snaggle Tooth! I like her!"

It's no surprise that Mamacita likes Snaggles. I think one of Snaggle's best features is that she's socially graceful. She can hang out and make friends with new people in a very chill way. (Not in a way that begs for attention, which is also seen as outgoing, but has a somewhat different result.)

I leaned over and said to Mamacita, "That ship has sailed."

And indeed it has. It's still fun to hang out with Snaggles, but it's just hanging out. So what does one do when the ship has sailed (and another has sunk... we shall call that ship R)?

There's this girl who I first met in a professional context. We almost ended up working together, but as luck would have it, she went to a different company but we stayed in touch. We would catch up over drinks every few months... all fairly professional, yet friendly and comfortable interactions. We'd email from time to time. I'd ask some friends about this and some would say, "Don't confuse friendliness with flirtiness." But no! She is flirting with me. I can tell these things. I am aware of my surroundings and people's subtle cues. And also because I showed one of her emails to Evil Twin #2 and she replied, "Definitely flirty!"

I am seeing this girl next week. There is one minor hurdle in that she currently has a boyfriend, but I am guessing he's on the outs. It'll be my job to usher that second foot out the door and all will be good.

Who is the Bad Friend? New Years Edition

Someone from our happy group was gracious enough to host a Hose related New Years Party. No good deed goes unpunished - Let's take inventory of Bad Friend Candidates from the last moments of 2008. Names are withheld so opinions are not colored by how big a d*ck you think Evil is.

A - as in A**hole - A was invited to said New Years Party after being instrumental in pressuring the host to have a New Years Party. A politely declines soon after receiving an invitation. Further, A calls the host to complain that said host took too long to formally issue an invitation. Then faults the host for A committing to another plan. A also comments that its important to continue to make new friends so things don't go stale. The host is further infuriated.

B - as in oBlivious - B actually successfully attends party. B brings a date. B's date is someone B has a substantial past with. Towards the end of the night B and date are the only attendees left. The host, who graciously decorated her home to entertain people was by 2am, quite tired. The host could not go to sleep before B and date agreed to leave. B was completely oblivious and had to be dragged out.

C - as in C*ckbl*cker - C is also at the party. C has no where to stay having not planned for accommodations before coming to town. C asked B at the party if it would be possible to crash at B's apartment. B agrees. C show appreciation for B's hospitality by publicly discussing sleeping accommodations with B's date. C openly discusses things like "well you can sleep in B's bed with B. Also, you and I could sleep in B's bed. B can sleep on the couch" etc ruining any potential hook up between B and Date This ends with Date departing for parts unknown. C then spends the entirety of New Year's Day on B's couch c*ckblocking for at least 12 hours. Ed Reed could not cover a receiver that long.

Ok, so the question is, who is the biggest D*ck? Who is the worst friend?

The More You Know...

Evil

Some of you might be wondering, "Where is Manolo these days?"

Okay, okay... Haha, I was just kidding. Of course, none of you are wondering that. Anyway, Manolo IM'd me the other day to let me know that some of his research got published! Congrats, Manolo! In some very fascinating research, Manolo discovered the link between coffee consumption and breast size. Amazing!

While we are talking scientifically, I should point out some equally compelling research conducted by Bruno Bear and Barney, regarding the complex emotions of dogs.

Playing With Fire

Evil

OMG, you cannot take Killer B or Mamacita anywhere! Snaggles has been in town this past week and a couple of night ago, a group of us went out to dinner. Since Snaggles and I had nothing to do during the day, we dropped by Killer B's office to have a quick beer before heading to the bar.

Out of politeness (and not that she cares), Snaggles asked Killer B how his day has been going and the first thing he says is, "Oh, I was just sitting here, reading THE HOSE..."

WTF!? Snaggles is not supposed to know about The Hose. I had to create a quick diversion and change the topic.

Then at dinner, it was more of the same, but from Mamacita! I don't remember exactly what Mamacita said because I was like 6 drinks in. All I remember is kicking Mamacita under the table. HAHA.

Hopefully Snaggles does not find this blog. That would be bad.

Why I Hate Book Clubs...

Evil

... Because 75% of my Scrabble playing buddies are tied up in book club right now and I have no active games! Booo!

And The Winning Post Is...

Evil

With so many collapses headlining the news in 2008 -- the financial services industry, the automotive industry, the economy in general, the political career of elliot spitzer, etc. -- I guess it's only fitting that you Hosers voted Evil's Epic Collapse as our Best Post of 2008. Congrats to Killer B#1 for penning the post and special thanks to ME for providing such good source material.

On a personal note, I will take a page from Evil Twin #2's book and also resolve to post more consistently in 2009.

Reflections on 2008

The ups and downs of 2008.

Movies
Good: Persepolis (I know it was released in France in 2007, but I saw it in 2008)
Bad: Tropic Thunder (horrible, horrible movie)

Music
Good: MGMT
Bad: Jonas Bros (make it stop)

News
Good: Obamamania
Bad: the dissolution of Bear and Lehman (Merrill deserved it)

Business
Good: Uppity investment bankers getting their comeuppance
Bad: Uppity private equity guys getting their comeuppance (I just got here!)

Sports
Good: Michael Phelps
Bad: Every college and pro team I bother to root for, in every sport (Jets schmets)

Friends
Good: Weddings GALORE, including friends from college, old work, grad school, Catjjy’s college, and my family (the Killer B’s are in there somewhere - congratulations) - like having an awesome full-blown, open-bar reunion from a different part of life every weekend.
Bad: Too many friends getting the axe

Home
Good: The Cha turning from a eat-and-poop machine to a walking, talking, running, laughing, hugging, car-loving, joke-telling, Vans-wearing little boy
Bad: 2 dinners out alone with Catjjy all year

Top that, 2009.