Cocktail Hour

Vol 2: The Dieters Drinking Companion

“The first, indeed the only, requirement of a diet is that it should lose you weight without reducing your alcohol intake by the smallest degree.”
- Sir Kingsley Amis

A laudable goal, but there are two rubs here.

First, alcohol by itself has a rather high caloric energy density. This is why you can run a car on the stuff in its pure, ethanol state. There are approximately 160 calories per ounce of pure alcohol, which equates to 95 calories of alcohol per NIAAA “drink,” e.g., a jigger of 80 proof liquor, a can of beer, a glass of wine. Mercifully, a pure distilled spirit has no other caloric value aside from the alcohol, so vodka, gin, Scotch, bourbon, rum, etc. all have about 95 calories per shot. Thus a good four-shot martini will cost you nearly 400 calories. Breakfast of champions. Beer, wine, and liqueurs have added starches and sugars that increase the calories per unit of alcohol.

Second, most people don’t much care for the taste of straight liquor. Mixers range from Coke to tonic to fruit juice, with stops at tomato juice and milk. Nearly all of these are non-starters for the dieting set. The oft-referred-to cosmopolitan I make for Catjjy has a staggering 350 calories between the vodka, triple sec, and cran-ras juice. She hasn’t asked for one since that discovery. Actually, she hasn’t had much alcohol at all since we learned all this. What happened to my drinking buddy? This is just like Flowers for Algernon.

Anyway, after a week of diligent consumer-oriented research, I give you these five tips for the dieting tippler:

1. Stick to mixed drinks for all non-eating occasions. Beer and wine can be delicious with meals, but they contain more calories per unit of alcohol than liquor. Best avoid them at bars and receptions.

2. Be smart about your mixers. Tonic is practically pure sugar while club soda has no calories; try gin and soda with a squeeze of lime instead of gin and tonic. Or try Sprite Zero instead of tonic (diet tonic tastes horrible and is rarely available at bars or on airplanes). Diet Coke mixes with bourbon and rum just as well as Coke does, and is readily available as an airplane drink. All store-bought mixes are evil. Try fresh lime and your favorite sugar substitute instead. A Splenda margarita, anyone?

3. Avoid liqueurs altogether. They combine the bad qualities of liquor with those of mixers. You can tuck into the Sambuca once you hit your ideal weight.

4. If you are looking for a bit of flavor without the calories, aim for infused liquor. The infusion process leaves no calories behind, so an Absolut Mandarin has the same caloric profile as regular vodka, but is a bit more palatable. Try with a splash of club soda and an orange wedge for the perfect summer drink.

5. Going in the opposite direction, if you select a particularly fortifying drink, you can substitute it for an entire meal. Two bloody Marys and a few cups of coffee make a remarkably satisfying brunch, and at well under 1,000 calories, much better for the dieter than eggs benedict. Mix a tablespoon of ketchup into the drink and eat the celery for some extra hardiness.

With these great tips under your belt, I expect the pounds to start melting off. And if none of this works, there is always meth. Salut!