Face Swapper Technology

Evil

If there's one piece of technology that The Hose needs, it's this one! Face Swapper Technology. Even as I write this post, our VP of Corporate Development is reaching out to this company to initiate acquisition discussions. Will probably try to purchase for a combo of cash and stock and offer the founders an attractive earn-out over the course of 2 years.

(Thanks to mg for bringing this technology to our attention.)

Emotional Roller Coaster

Evil

Read something in the news this morning that only added to my personal and professional crisis of feeling like I'm not making enough progress in my career (and life in general). According to various news sources, Google is starting up a venture capital group within the company and the guy tapped to run it is only 33! Argh! That's only 1 year older than me. Am I in a position to get such a job in just 1 year? I think not. Thus, I am falling behind.

Luckily, my sorrows have been tempered by Facebook. Someone who I knew in junior high school just friended me. I gladly accepted and immediately went to check out his profile.

Still single. (HAH!) Totally a fat slob now. (Great!) After junior high, he attended the local high school, which was a bad one. (Sucka!) After the local high school, he attended the local community college. (No Ivy for you!)

Someone asked why I am comparing myself to him. That's a crazy question because I compare myself to everyone. Someone is either doing better or doing worse than me. I make mental notes of it with every single person I meet or even hear about. So there.

Meaninful

Evil



This video represents the eternal struggle between my inner voice and me.

Desperate Plea

Evil

Xtian, please come back! Why did you have to go to China in the first place? I have no one to IM with. And we're only halfway into Monday.

ximena sarinana

After plugging in a bit to the Latin American Music Conference in NY I got turned onto some neat Spanish language music. My favorite has been Ximena Sarinana. She's also really pretty.

I just felt like saying that...no punchline...my internal clock is still messed up.

here is a link to a review in the wsj

Phrase I need to learn to say in Mandarin ASAP: Part 1

"Please do not hit a pedestrian on my account

Phrase I need to learn to say in Mandarin ASAP: Part 2

"How much for an additional hour?"

Best New York Times Article Ever

If you are like me, you read the New York Times almost every day. Paper of record, they say. Your web administrator can’t get on your case for having it up at work. But, if you are like me, you also find the Times wonkish, stuffy, and sometimes downright gloomy. What you really want is barely clad foreign girls writhing to techno beats and practicing stripper moves, not Paul Krugman bemoaning the Fanny Mae bail-out. You want something with absolutely no news value whatsoever, that still comes from a respectable source.

Well, the Times must be conducting market research, because they are finally getting it right. I present for you The Best New York Times Article Ever, complete with web video.

Best Headline of the Day

Also brought to you by CNN

Kid Rock Waffle House Fight Caught on Tape

I can totally understand why Kid Rock tries to beat this guy up. Losing your opening round match at Wimbledon can be infuriating.

Quickies

Evil

• It's officially exactly 1 month into the contest between Steph and me. I'm down 10.5 pounds. Steph is down 7.6 pounds. Luckily, my only bad-influence eating friend is Xtian. Seems like all of Stephs friends are dragging her down. Bringing her to things like southern fried food festivals and stuff. CMON!

• I've been wanting to train for a marathon, but to run the thing in custome. Dressed as Gumby, for example. That would be fun.

• The Tour de France ends this weekend. Three weeks goes by so quickly!

• There's this Spanish couple who lives in my building. I see them on the elevator every so often. I HATE THEM. They are such snoots. And when I say "Spanish," I mean they are from Spain, with their super proper accents and European flair. They look down on the non-Spaniards. XTIAN should go over there and give them a knuckle sandwich.

• Been giving some thought to spending 3 months or so in Shanghai. Hang out with my people, practice the language, etc.
  

Asinine Headline of the Day

Brought to you by CNN.

"Is Marriage Really Just for White People?"

Sounds like Evil and X-tian are in for a lifetime of playing Rock Band and not finding happiness. I'm not sure how Catjjy managed to sneak through the marriage blockade - I'm guessing that white husband of hers had something to do with it.

#1 Hit Jam of the Summer

Every year has a #1 Hit Jam of the Summer. It’s that song that seems to be playing at every rooftop party you go to. It doesn’t necessarily top the billboard, though its ubiquity does translate to some degree of commercial success. The #1 Hit Jam of the Summer title can be shared between songs, and is always open to debate. The only real requirement is that, when listening to the song a few years later, it transports you right back to the warm summer nights of that year.

Question for the Hosers: What is the #1 Hit Jam of This Summer? To get this rolling, I’ve put up the list since I graduated from RHS, and some candidates for this year. Note that I didn’t feel like doing much research here, so my songs may be off by a summer.

2007 – Rehab (Amy Winehouse) & Smile (Lily Allen)[a tough year, I admit]

2006 – Hips Don’t Lie (Shakira/Wycliff) & Crazy (Gnarles Barkley)

2005 – Feel Good Inc. (Gorillas)

2004 – Hey Mama (Black Eyed Peas – thanks Ipod commercials!) & Yeah (Usher/Lil’ John/Ludacris)

2003 – Crazy in Love (Beyonce)

2002 – [really, the toughest year on record – Hosers?]

2001 – Ride Wit Me (Nelly)

2000 – Southside (Moby) & I’m like a Bird (Nelly Furtado)

1999 – Genie in a Bottle (X-tina)

1998 – Semi-Charmed Life (Third Eye Blind) & Closing Time (Semisonic)

1997 – I’ll be Missing You (Puff Daddy)

1996 – Missing (Everything but the Girl)

1995 – Mr. Boombastic (Shaggy)

1994 – Longview (Green Day)

So who’s up this year? I’m going to preemptively disqualify artists who deliberately aim for the title by releasing a breezy song with summer somewhere in the title. That means you, Kid Rock and NKOTB. Let's start with Buzzin (Shwayze), I Kissed a Girl (Katy Perry - thus the picture above), Handlebars (Flobots), American Boy (Estelle). Others?

Looking Forward To The Weekend

Evil

A certain someone is having his bachelor party this weekend. Woooo! So excited to be going. And with any luck, we'll have as much fun as this guy here:

http://view.break.com/541676 - Watch more free videos

G. Love & Special Sauce

Wowee! After taking a look at the latest poll, I am thoroughly intrigued.

It's a deadlock, and that never happens. Usually, the answer is inundulatingly obvious.

What is transpiring? I'm thinking about changing my vote to throw things out of this neat and orderly fashion.

Also, to be truthful, I'm not sure I really get the poll question. Can someone explain it? I wanted to vote for "A snow cone" but there's nowhere for a write-in.

Dewey Defeats Truman

Evil

Well, the poll results are pretty conclusive! You Hosers generally agree that Steph will beat me, whether it's by a narrow margin or by a landslide.

You know what? I'm glad you all voted for Steph. That just puts all the pressure on Steph and none on me. And by the way, I'm currently winning. Steph's slow-and-steady approach will leave her at the proverbial mid-race as i dash across the finish line. WOOO!

BTW- Steph and I have been having a disagreement on something: whether in general, it's easier for women to lose weight or for men. Clearly, it's easier for women to lose weight. Women have a higher percentage of body fat and if you're dropping weight, it's easier to drop fat first. That's just science. The only reason why men do better than women in general is because we have more willpower and determination. WOOO!

BTW2- I noticed that Evil Twin #2 has posted her own wieght loss (or gain) tracker on her blog. Awesome!

Feist on Sesame Street

This tune makes me happy. Remembering being a kid makes me happy. This video puts everything together, and is educational to boot!

Hope everyone is having a nice Friday evening!

Confirmed!!! Best .500 Team Ever

The following appeared in my inbox this afternoon, thus handing Kicks and Giggles our first title of the Summer Kickball season.

"BAR CHAMPIONS:
Congratulations to the teams who had big fun both on and off of the fields and who, as voted by NYC Social Sports Club Staff, Associates, and Spies, have earned the title of Bar Champions for the Weds LES Summer Kickball league:

Bar Champions: Kicks & Giggles

Please see Ryan at the fields or bar on Wednesday night to claim your certificates, and then drink up at Tweed's because your drinks are on us this week!"

Wow. I have to hand it to the league - they got this call 100% right. This might provide just the momentum we need going into the playoffs.

Outdated Movie Review: The Wackness

Last night, Evil Twin #2 and I went to watch The Wackness starring Ben Kinsley, the doofus from Nickelodeon and future hottest chick on earth, Olivia Thirlby.

The movie takes place in the summer of 1994, the time between graduating high school and starting college for the two main protagonists. We were both excited because the fall of 1994 was when the Evil Twins, KenTak3, Sparks and I all attacked NY for the first time for our freshman year of college. Probably our favorite NY, on display in the big screen just minutes before all the charming grit got washed away in a blur of late 90s prosperity/excess. Further, I was excited because one of the key elements of the movie was a tight early-mid 90s hip-hop soundtrack featuring B.I.G., Nas, Raekwon...all the greats.

Could a movie live up to such expectations? Somewhere in between the dream sequence that include "fly girls" and a scene where our protagonist had to blow into his Nintendo cartridge to make it work, I knew the answer. YES.

The story was a bit of a rehash of the usual "coming of age" story. But it was well executed, details in how people spoke, drank, talked and dressed gave it the feeling of a period piece and it was superbly acted. Ben Kingsley was all manner of awesome. For a minute, I totally wished I was in high school again so I could have a pining rush on Olivia Thirlby's character.

Even a minor cameo by Mary Kate Olsen as a pre-millennial hippie, a unique creature that we all knew really well in college was credible and well executed.

I liked it, I smiled a lot. I had no other ambitions for my 2 hours.

Best .500 Team Ever?

After a miserable 3 weeks of consecutive losses, Kicks and Giggles found themselves on the ropes last night, in danger of not even making the playoffs. The top 6 teams in this 12 team league make it in - the rest watch from the sidelines saddled with questions about what could have been.

Would that be our fate? Hell no. The squad came out with fire in their eyes and beer in their bellies. We were playing on Field A, which was a real blessing as all of our losses have come on field B (famous for it's short length in right field). I took over pitching for the 2nd week in a row and did a really really amazing and awesome job. Xtian was MIA this week - some sort of fuzzy "work commitment" - in Brooklyn perhaps? We prevailed nonetheless, including a homerun kicked by Douchebag Dwyer with his opposite foot - some real playground ball there. The final score was 9-5, good enough to earn this 3-3 team a 5th seed in the playoffs next week. We'll need to win 3 consecutive games next Wednesday night to take the title. The stage has been set for one of the greatest NYC sporting stories of the decade - will Kicks and Giggles deliver?

Summer Reading Help

Yesterday, X-Tian called me after I emailed him that I was depressed. What a good friend he is. I have decided that I am not interesting or well-read enough as most people or all my friends. Can people please recommend some good books to read?

Desperation Infused Vodka

"A few more of these and we can forget this ugly little sidebar in an otherwise lovely conversation"

He said this as he knocked back a shot of vodka. She smile just a little, letting the joke wash over what was an awkward situation. Though he knew her for only a few hours it was not the first time she had smiled. Her smile had been wide and bright for most of their conversation. She lost it right after giving him her number. Right as she regretted doing so and repented by admitting she had a live-in boyfriend.

xTian had noticed her as soon as she seated herself at the bar. She sat down and knocked back her first shot without a word to anyone. She had short hair, like a mid90s Winona Ryder, an above average ass for a white girl and a big smile. Her arms were well toned, she was also not wearing a bra at all...just a form fitting vest that covered herself well enough. xTian was no longer sure what he noticed first, it must have just been her overall

This was of course their 4th shot and he was still going strong...There was a lot of time and money invested here and there would be some return, something had to give...

"Another?"

"Sure?"

He had started by asking her why she was taking shots of vodka by herself. She admitted she was a waitress in the back room and was used to making hundreds of dollars in a given night, tonight she had made just 50. She cursed the recession and blamed the summer...sure those who were recession proof were out at the Hamptons.

xTian found the whole conversation a bit depressing. She's a personal trainer by night and bar tender in the evening? Did she have no morals? As a personal trainer its important to eat well, apparently one can go broke eating well...credit card debt is bad. Acting is difficult. Without meaning to, she wondered if hoping to one day to be on a soap opera for 20 years was really just too big a dream?

xTian used booze as a crutch to power through this manic life story...between that and his embarrasing wingmen (one staring at his watch, the other reaching in between xTian and the girl to yell "you should really bang this one") it was all xTian could do to not rip the bottle out of the bartenders hand and bonk himself over the head with it.

No xTtian was in it to win it. So xTian was full court pressing, hands were everywhere, the laugh was pointed but not condescending, the sleepy eyed chin nod, it was all there...including the desperation...that was the most there...

When he asked her for her number she gave it right away, then she stopped before committing to a plan "I have a boyfriend waiting for me at home". xTian knew better than to respond, "We're not going back to my apartment, I live in Jersey.".

She hurried off into a cab, back to Brooklyn, back to the life she does not seem that committed to...he stared off and wondered "what now" as is his wont..

The sun rose, and he decided it was time to sleep.

All About Me

Evil

If you have a moment, fill this out. Tell Evil what you think Evil's best feature and greatest flaw are.

Would You Or Wouldn't You?

Evil

A heated discussion broke out among my friends and me while we were at the Mets game on Saturday. Someone brought up the topic of A-Rod and Madonna. If you were A-Rod (32 years old, multi-millionaire), would you bang Madonna (49 years old, lots of mileage)?

Heck, if you were YOU (early-to-mid 30s schlumpy dude who has far less money than A-Rod), would you bang Madonna?

Some of my friends at the game were like, "Heck yeah! This is Madonna?!"

Whereas I am firmly in the other camp. I mean, she's 49 years old!!! And I can only imagine who's been in there. Dennis Rodman, for one. I'll pass, thank you.

Curious to hear your thoughts.

Cocktail Hour

Vol 2: The Dieters Drinking Companion

“The first, indeed the only, requirement of a diet is that it should lose you weight without reducing your alcohol intake by the smallest degree.”
- Sir Kingsley Amis

A laudable goal, but there are two rubs here.

First, alcohol by itself has a rather high caloric energy density. This is why you can run a car on the stuff in its pure, ethanol state. There are approximately 160 calories per ounce of pure alcohol, which equates to 95 calories of alcohol per NIAAA “drink,” e.g., a jigger of 80 proof liquor, a can of beer, a glass of wine. Mercifully, a pure distilled spirit has no other caloric value aside from the alcohol, so vodka, gin, Scotch, bourbon, rum, etc. all have about 95 calories per shot. Thus a good four-shot martini will cost you nearly 400 calories. Breakfast of champions. Beer, wine, and liqueurs have added starches and sugars that increase the calories per unit of alcohol.

Second, most people don’t much care for the taste of straight liquor. Mixers range from Coke to tonic to fruit juice, with stops at tomato juice and milk. Nearly all of these are non-starters for the dieting set. The oft-referred-to cosmopolitan I make for Catjjy has a staggering 350 calories between the vodka, triple sec, and cran-ras juice. She hasn’t asked for one since that discovery. Actually, she hasn’t had much alcohol at all since we learned all this. What happened to my drinking buddy? This is just like Flowers for Algernon.

Anyway, after a week of diligent consumer-oriented research, I give you these five tips for the dieting tippler:

1. Stick to mixed drinks for all non-eating occasions. Beer and wine can be delicious with meals, but they contain more calories per unit of alcohol than liquor. Best avoid them at bars and receptions.

2. Be smart about your mixers. Tonic is practically pure sugar while club soda has no calories; try gin and soda with a squeeze of lime instead of gin and tonic. Or try Sprite Zero instead of tonic (diet tonic tastes horrible and is rarely available at bars or on airplanes). Diet Coke mixes with bourbon and rum just as well as Coke does, and is readily available as an airplane drink. All store-bought mixes are evil. Try fresh lime and your favorite sugar substitute instead. A Splenda margarita, anyone?

3. Avoid liqueurs altogether. They combine the bad qualities of liquor with those of mixers. You can tuck into the Sambuca once you hit your ideal weight.

4. If you are looking for a bit of flavor without the calories, aim for infused liquor. The infusion process leaves no calories behind, so an Absolut Mandarin has the same caloric profile as regular vodka, but is a bit more palatable. Try with a splash of club soda and an orange wedge for the perfect summer drink.

5. Going in the opposite direction, if you select a particularly fortifying drink, you can substitute it for an entire meal. Two bloody Marys and a few cups of coffee make a remarkably satisfying brunch, and at well under 1,000 calories, much better for the dieter than eggs benedict. Mix a tablespoon of ketchup into the drink and eat the celery for some extra hardiness.

With these great tips under your belt, I expect the pounds to start melting off. And if none of this works, there is always meth. Salut!

Really?

Evil

Was IMing with XTIAN. He commented that I've been acting really confident lately. Confident... and depressed, simultaneously. Really?

An Ass That Isaac Newton Would Love

Evil



Pictured above: Newton's Cradle. A cool little toy that demonstrates conservation of momentum.

I was walking to work this morning -- a wonderful morning in New York City. Warm, but not humid. Sunny, yet slightly breezy. The hot chicks and their hot summer clothes were out in full force. On I lost track.

Anyway, I was walking behind this chick who was wearing an airy, flowery summer dress. The material was so light, it barely sat on her body. This chick had the most interesting ass. As she walked, each ass cheek would bump into the other -- left, right, left, right -- Newton's Cradle style. It was great.

The skid that would not end

When it was over, KillerB was arguing with the Ref (who may in fact be Amy Short, btw, out to get back at KillerB for ignoring her friend request). She had just called the game after 6 innings and with us down by 3 runs, even though officially there were 7 innings in a game. This was after the fourth inning, where she had instituted a mercy rule on us for scoring seven runs in an inning even though we were still losing. Basically, this b*tch was out to get us. Though too much a gentleman to say it, Killer B agrees with me. At one point, it looked to me like KillerB was about to clean her clock.

It would have made no difference. Our third loss in a row was in the books.

Two weeks ago, some tool kicked a ball over a fence and hit a car. The alarm he set off signaling the end of the game and the end of our dream of a perfect season.

Last week, a team short several players due the Fourth of July lost a heartbreaker.

Now this tragedy, a robbery perpetrated by a fat girl who could not be bothered to watch the whole game she was officiating, all the while colluding with an 8 person team of ringers who had only one female, who might have been Brandie Chastain.

Sure some people dropped some balls in the outfield, but we had a lot of people last night and I was too hung over from this to see straight much less catch a freaking ball.

No team has shown so much promise, only to suffer such a let down since the 1974 World Cup Finalist Dutch National Soccer Team. Of course, we all know how that ended.

Onward march the grey and gold, onward we march. One week to go, one more attempt for Playoff glory.

Give me a Hug

Start watching at 1:02...John stops interviewing Roger and proceeds to hug him.
At the 1:44 mark, John stops the interview, to pick a piece of lint off of Nadal.

What's going on here?

Facebook Friends = Out of Control

Like most of the Hosers, I joined Facebook a while ago when I was sold on how well it would help me stay connected with my really cool cutting edge friends, and reconnect with some long lost cool and cutting edge friends. For 6 months or so it was great. I would post some pics here and there, send an email or two, share a joke, play a game of scrabble and maybe even send a gift on someone's birthday. Way to go Facebook!

But about the time my friend count hit 150 or so, things started going haywire. People I didn't remember wanted to be friends. People I didn't like wanted to be friends. And now, it's reached a new low - people I don't even know want to be friends. This is a total no-win. I either grudgingly accept these friends because I don't want to come off as a jerk, or I decline them and feel like a jerk. What to do?

The "girl" pictured above is Amy Short. "Who?". Exactly. Amy asked me to be her friend yesterday. Not recalling who she is I did some poking around and learned she is friends with X-tian. So, assuming this is someone X-tian has introduced me to, I ask him to refresh my memory, but it turns out X-tian doesn't know her either. Or at least they've never met in person. He just accepted her invitation.

So who is this Amy Short you ask? Well, she turns out to be the President of the New York City Sports and Social Club - the kickball league we play in. So, obviously, we're totally tight. BFF. So tight that now she's got a seat in my Facebook Purgatory, not being accepted or declined - just kinda hovering around with Matt Connells (stole my tennis racket in the 8th grade), Lesley Henry (I remember her brother more than her - he looked like Harry Connick Jr.), and Susan Valentine (awkward girl from the 3rd grade who people used to say was my girlfriend - which was NEVER true).

So I'm wondering, who do the Hosers have in their Facebook Purgatory? Creepy math teacher? Former yoga instructor? Ex-girlfriends sister? Or do you just accept everyone and move on?

And good luck with that new friendship X-tian.

Foxtrot? Nay. Islands in the Stream

I'm afraid I have to put these nasty Foxtrot rumors to bed. I understand how the rumor was started. We are getting married, after all, and what better way to demonstrate our eternal love for each other than by learning a dance we'll forget the minute we leave on our honeymoon. "What then", you say?

On our recent trip to Hilton Head KillerB2 and I couldn't get Islands in the Stream out of our heads. Everywhere we went we were humming it. On the beach, in the kayaks, on the golf course, under water. We hummed the hell out of that song. Which got us thinking about the wedding.....

So, yeah, for the Hosers that make it to San Antonio, there might be a lip synched version of Islands in the Stream waiting for you after the dessert course.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiwcOaaRo1Y

Slurred Crooning

I am fairly certain my old man has picked up much of his English from TV. Much of it is eerily reminiscent of the opening monologue from some early 60s cool stuff like "The Dean Martin Show"...This works for him. He had jet black hair that he wore straight back for most of his life. Later got a single grey streak that shot straight back, that was cool. It's since spread but you can still see a relatively luxurious mane, that works with with a Dino vibe. But its not just the hair, its also the vibe...

Classics include him calling me or the bumpasaurus "chicky baby" randomly and the occasional Twist competitions he would challenge us to...randomly and in the street. "Come on Baby, Chubby Checker Style" he would shout as he got way to low for a man in his mid 40s in a super market...awesome...

It got to the point where, eventually, when speaking on the phone, my mother, father and I will all casually address each other as "baby", as if we were late night DJs on an R&B Station, about to introduce a Teddy Pendergrass record.

Not all his affectations have worked. As a boy, he would occasionally call from work and say "Hello, this is Batman. Where is Robin?". He would deliver this in a low growl. Even more disturbing would be when he would call back and using the same voice proclaim himself the Hulk, looking for Hulk Boy....big nerd that i was, I asked if he was actually looking for Rick Jones...coming out of character he would ask "who?"

I like the idea of my dad as my own personal Dean Martin impression. Any move away from that is disturbing and I have always pushed back hard. His game is evolving again. Last week, he saw my cherubic godson after a few years and immediately remarked "wow baby..." I was smiling before he could finish...

"we have to do some exercise, brother"

What the hell?

I was left wondering if he was watching more American Gladiators on NBC and was now picking up Hulk Hogan's affectation. That would blow. My dad would look dumb with long hair.

A Few Quickies On Hump Day

Evil

• Evil Twin #2 and sirK came over to play Rock Band last night. After a long layoff, we were worried that we might suck as a band. In fact, we rocked! By the end of the night, we were all on EXPERT (ET#2 on expert vocals, sirK on expert guitar, and me on expert bass). Not only that, we 5-starred the last two songs we played. Now over 500,000 fans.

• Did not work out last night due to Rock Band. The day before was a scheduled rest day, so that's 2 days in a row without working out. I think maybe Team Steph has been colluding with Evil Twin #2.

• I saw some very impressive parenting on the subway this morning. This 4 year old girl was throwing an absolute fit because she didnt want to sit in the orange seat. Instead, she wanted the yellow seat. The girl's face turned beet red and she exploded in tears. The mom told her to get up and stand and gave the seat to a stranger.

• Rumor has it that Evil Twin #2 and XTIAN have their own weight loss bet going. The original stakes were: loser takes the winner out to dinner. Boooo! That's so weak. I am unilaterally changing the stakes to something that counts. Here goes: If Evil Twin #2 loses, she needs to run a half marathon within 6 months of losing the bet. If XTIAN loses, he needs to run a 10K within the same time period. (Why isnt XTIAN held to a half marathon standard? Cmon, let's be real here!)

• I found the best shoe shine place in Manhattan. This guy is a master of his craft. He really cares about the quality of his work. I can appreciate that. Going to get a shoe shine now.
  

Date or Die: Sweltering in the heat

Summertime in NYC sucks for several reasons. It smells odd everywhere, due to the trash. Dudes are over the place, crawling around, sweating on each other.

On the plus side, women look extra hot. They wear less, and on average women in NYC are better dressers than elsewhere so they know how to parlay this into more attention. Then of course, the same thing that makes me a sweaty mess is a huge advantage to women, who sweat less and usually just glisten. Sparks has a great phrase for this, "swamp glow". Give me an underdressed chick walking about in the summer with her hair up and a nice layer of swamp glow any day...I love it...

Last night, I met someone for dinner. We met at Bar Pitti. I was very early
as an errand I decided to run before hand took 45 minutes less than I alloted. I walked into the bar next to Fat Black PussyCat to kill time and cool off. I was already sweating. I spent the time drinking Blue Moons (sans orange wedge...disappointing) and chatting up the underweight but attractive waitress who was at the very least glowy...She told me her mom drinks Blue Moon, I asked her how old she was. She walked away. Classic

When finally she arrived, I was floored by her height. With heels we were eye level. Crazy. That never happens. I had long ago resigned myself to the idea that the perfect woman height for me is about 5ft 7in with heels. At that height, she can dip her head slightly and fit it under my chin which is aimed partially skyward. Standing here on sixth avenue, I wondered if it was time to rethink this. Eye level is good, great even...

When we realized the wait was 30+ minutes we decided to walk up the ways a bit to a tapas place I knew. Evil swiped this place from me 2 years ago then started badmouthing it, calling it "over" what an ahole.

Walking up the way, I kept staring at the women all around me, they were having fun in their tiny sun dresses, laughing and having a good time. This is why you do this. This is why you put up with the mugginess, the people, the smell, just to enjoy the view - the beauty of Youth, in full effect.

If this post is unfocused, its because my evening was unfocused. In addition to the distraction, I was drunk. I pounded those beers hard and followed it with quite a bit of sangria. The tapas were great. The company was great. I was not allowed to do what I normally do, which is nod and smile as the woman across the way from me pours out her hopes and fears my way. I actually had to engage. I had to tell strange stories from my past. Be honest about my hopes and fear. I got to debate Raggaeton, with me taking the position it was nonsense and she taking the position that the beat was great for dancing, even though I could imagine her dancing her around like Elaine Benes. I got to walk in the late night air.

Man, I love the summer

Andar conmigo?

I have one problem that annoys me. I don't have many Latino friends. The best I can come up with is Killer B #2 and that was a direct result of 2007's Operation "Get Brown Friends". This hardly matters though. In all other respects, I am a good Latino. My written and spoken Spanish is above average. I have a big family, composed of way more cousins than I can count.

Most of the time, I do not care. My family is sufficient and my friends are more or less true, unless you count Evil, he's not a true friend. No one else is troubled by this- how many Filipino friends does ET#2 have? Why does Evil only pursue Japanese women with large calves? No one questions them on these matters, why do I sit here in the midst of some bizarre identity crisis?

Anyway, this a problem only when I want to go ethnic. I have an easier time rally a crowd to the NY Indian Film Festival than I would for the NY Latino Film Festival. It's a real bummer. A few years ago I found myself at a Julieta Venegas Concert at Spirit all by myself. It was awesome. I really enjoy her music. It's a mix of pop, with a tinge of girly-rock, but just enough electronics. She tops it off with sprinkles of Mexican elements, like when she breaks out the accordion. Sometimes, I feel she does this, just to remind you where you are. I approve

Anyway, Summerstage this Saturday, Julieta is back and I am pumped...

Btw, Andar Conmigo (loosely "be with me" in the title I am using it as "roll with me") is an awesome some song, but I like Eres Para Mi better, its more representative of what I am getting at

2008 Tour de France - Stage 3 Recap and Commentary

Evil

Stage 3 won by some Frenchman named Samuel Dumoulin. Despite the Tour de France taking place in France, no one actually cares about any of the French cyclists. They're all pretty weak girly-men. An interesting tidbit about today's winner mentioned in the AP writeup:

"Dumoulin, who had to pull out of the 2004 Tour after crashing into a dog, led a small group of sprinters to the line."

He hit a poor, innocent, defenseless dog and he had to pull out of the race?

Which reminds me, YouTube is a treasure trove for videos of Tour de France cyclists hitting dogs. I can't ever get enough of these.

Is That A Sign?

Evil

Was this sign made for me? It is, after all, in Chinese.

Been Busy

Evil


Since there have been multiple emails to thehose [at] gmail about this topic, I figured I would address it publicly here... "Where has KillerB been?" you've asked. Well, I don't really know. I've been hearing things like, "He's been camping in New England with Sparks" and "He's hanging out with Sparks at Fisherman's Wharf."

But you know what I have not been hearing? Things like, "KillerB is busy planning his wedding." Well, that's not entirely true... Word has it that KillerB is working on a killer foxtrot routine for the big day. Awesome!

Cocktail hour

As previously mentioned, cocktail hour is serious business around our house. Most nights will find us sipping regular straight or mixed drinks - scotch, manhattans, martinis, etc. Catjjy is partial to the cosmopolitan, and I make a mean one. Just because Sex In The City isn't any good doesn't mean the cocktail stopped being delicious.

The drink of this summer is the gimlet. For the uninitiated, a gimlet starts with a martini's worth of gin - 3 to 5 shots depending on the size of your glass. Drop it into a shaker full of ice and add the freshly squeezed juice of one lime (hint: you'll get more juice out of your lime if you soak it in hot water for a few minutes before cutting it open). Throw in sugar or simple syrup (a pre-dissolved mixture of sugar and water in equal parts) to taste. Shake with vigor. Serve strained into an ice-cold martini glass. The result will be a light green, cloudy slice of summer heaven: equal parts sweet, tart, and herby (the picture above was taken after the first few sips). Though not quite as tasty, a vodka gimlet will do for those who don't enjoy gin. Using Hendricks gin instead of a regular gin will give you a cucumber gimlet – also yummy.

With enough sugar, a gimlet won't taste strong at all, and on a warm summer afternoon, it may seem the thing to do to knock back three or four. But proceed with caution. There is a lot of alcohol in these guys.

Weekends are for experimenting. Yesterday I cut open a fresh jalapeno and tossed two slices (with plenty of seeds) into the shaker with my gimlet. Kid duty interfered with my mixing, which allowed the un-iced mixture to stand for 20 minutes before being chilled and poured. The result – a gimlet picante if you insist on naming things – was fantastic. The jalapeno added a nice kick to the front that burned the lips and warmed the esophagus, but it mellowed the tartness of the lime. I highly recommend giving it a try.

2008 Tour de France - Stage 1 Results and Commentary

Evil


Very exciting start to the 2008 Tour de France! I'm liking the format this year: no prelude (who needs it!) and an uphill finish in stage 1. Brilliant! The uphill finish really broke up the field at the end, which made things all the more exciting.

Alejandro Valverde took stage 1 with an impressive sprint in the last 200 meters (after racing 197.5 Km -- crazy!). Valverde has a real chance to win the entire race this year, although it'll be tough if he and his team try to defend the yellow jersey this early in the race. They should give it up as soon as tomorrow and then make a big move in the 3rd week of the race.

Another one of my favorite, Maricio Soler, had a bad first day. He crashed toward the end and is now pretty much out of it for the overall standings. BAH!

Date or Die: Playing The Expectations Game

Evil


Earlier today, I watched the Yankees lose yet another baseball game. Even with the largest payroll in baseball, the Yankees are languishing in the middle of their division and most experts have already counted them out for the playoffs -- no division win; not even a wild card berth.

On the flip side, the Tampa Bay Rays are sporting the best record in baseball. Their payroll is minuscule, they finished last year in last place, and even the most generous predictions for the Rays at the start of the season were for them to have a "respectable" record.

Playing the expectations game is always tricky... in baseball, sure. But also in dating.

Yesterday was the end of what felt like a very long week, even though it was technically a short week thanks to the 4th of July holiday. That's how a long a week it was a work. I was content to spend the evening staying in and watching TV, generally hiding out and relaxing.

In the early evening, R texted me and asked if I was around and if I wanted to get drinks with her. Since she asked and since she's tall, thin, and has a pretty face, I was like, sure. We went to this place, known for their margaritas, that's no far from us. Some hotty sales rep from Patrón was there and offered us complimentary drinks. Score!

R and I chatted, though not about much. We don't seem to have much to talk about. My inability to appear engaging and funny when I'm with R is really throwing off my expectations. I should be able to do this! This is my game, baby! I guess it's like in baseball, where you're going up against a different pitcher every day. Sometimes the opposing pitcher is just lobbing softballs up there and you're crushing everything out of the park. But sometimes the pitcher is so tough, you're glad just to score a single run.

It turned out to be a nice night, so we took a slow stroll home. She lives 5 blocks away from me. I wasn't feeling that anything good was going to happen so I casually said goodbye when we reached my block. Back to chillin' alone in the apartment. It was still fairly early, so maybe I'd watch a DVD.

R texts me: "I'm restless... lol". Hmmm... interesting. We text back and forth a few times and decide to go back out for ice cream. Which eventually turned into taking a walk into Riverside Park, which is always fairly dark, fairly quiet. The fireflies were out last night. A few people and their dogs walked by, but otherwise it seemed like we had the park all to ourselves. This eventually turned into me walking R back to her place and at the corner of her block, she blurted out, "Do you want to come up?"

We had a nice time hanging out at her place. She was really hard for me to read, whereas with most girls, it's just the opposite. Me in her apartment was like a baseball team with a manager who just doesn't know what to do during the game. Bunt? Hit and run? Steal? Double switch? So I didn't push things too much. It was fun just to hang out. And I even managed to take a photo of us (above)... well, only part of her face and part of my arm. I think she has a nice smile in this pic.

Nickname Change

Evil

I'm not happy with "Toothy-chan" as a nickname. It just doesn't have a ring to it. But I can't think of another / better nickname. Argh! I must have nickname block. This is usually my specialty.

Anyway, I have to change the nickname nonetheless. So from here on out, Toothy-chan will change to "R".

Roar, Lions, Roar!

Catjjy and I were just watching the US Track & Field Olympic Trials. They did a human interest piece on an incredibly beautiful woman named Delilah Dicrescenzo. It seems the lead singer of Plain White T's met her one night and was so smitten with her that he promised to write a song about her. The song, "Hey There Delilah," got nominated for a Grammy and she attended the awards as his date. Adorable, though the report stopped short of saying how far this guy got for writing a ubiquitous song about her (love-love? mouth-love? hand-love? they should have finished the story).

How did this make an Olympics broadcast? She is a champion steeple chase runner - the one where you stomp through the puddles and jump over hurdles. She didn't make the Olympic team, which is a shame for NBC. But she did make the finals. Not bad for a hot girl.

How is this on The Hose? Amazingly, she ran track for the Columbia Lions (alma mater to more than a few Hosers). Three-time Ivy League champion steeple chaser. Amazing.

Roar, Lions, Roar!

Date or Die: Tips from Dmitri

Did anyone else listen to this? I'm not completely sure if it is legit, but it is pretty funny.

The back story is that my friend's friend's friend from work and her friend were out one night in the San Francisco Marina district and were hanging outside of the bars trying to find a cab. One of the girls, Olga, ends up meeting this guy Dmitri, and they talk for at the most 2 minutes. She hands him her business card and says call me.

Conversation between Mom and Dad

My dad hates using the phone. Its always a surprise when he calls, sometimes even to him. On several occasions, I have answered a ringing phone only to find him asking who he was talking to. I always found this odd, and because my Dad is over 70 I have on occasion worried about his mental state. This was alleviated a few visits ago. While casually reading a book in the family room, I noticed that my mom has this trick. She dials a number and throws it to my dad whenever he is on his computer playing online card games. He always knows its coming, so he knows to catch it but never knows who he is going to get on the other end.

Its fine, because he never actually wants to talk on the phone so he does not really care who is on the other end. He will just sit there with the phone to his ear, occasionally nodding and grunting in agreement while focusing on his card game. He could be talking to my brother or his accountant. Its all the same to him.

Anyway, I perked up and paid attention when I heard him say this

Dad - "I think I should call my sister"

My mom, who is usually happily ignoring my Dad even perked up....

Mom - "which one?"

Dad - "what do you mean?"

Mom - "you have two sisters"

Dad - "Yeah...so?"

Mom - "who are you going to call?"

Dad - "when?"

Mom - "you just said you were going to call your sister"

Dad - "who? (names his youngest sister)"

Mom - "Is that her name?"

Dad - "No"

He then sat down and watched soccer with me for 4 hours.

Me - "Are you going to call anyone?"

Dad - "What for?"

Menace

Yesterday, I went to an Orlando area Target with my mom to get some baby gifts for a new addition to our extended family. On the way out, my mom dared me to repeatedly bang the shopping cart on one of the oversized red spheres set up outside the target to keep shopping carts from randomly flying into the lot. I was like ok...and started doing it.

When a security guard walked over, she made a move like she was going to hit him. The dude flinched. She smirked...

"that's enough" she said.

and we left...

I have no idea what that was all about...

Crisis

Evil

The Evil Twins (#1 and #2) have been counseling me through a bit of a personal and professional crisis. "Professional" because my work is involved, but mostly "personal" because it's about getting old. I feel like I am racing against the clock to accomplish things in life, but the clock is quickly running out.

I've been thinking about a paper that I read some time ago. Among other things, the paper discusses "Why Productivity Fades With Age." (Focus of the analysis is on scientists, specifically: mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and biologists. I am none of these things officially, but I was educated as a computer scientist, so I still naturally identify with the scientific crowd.) There are some startling data points in this paper, including:

* Nearly a quarter (23.6%) of all scientists make their most significant contribution in their career during the five years around age 30.

* Two-thirds (65.0%) will have made their most significant contribution before their mid-30's.

* 80% will have done so before their early 40's.

Check out the histogram below. Notice the very steep drop-off once you pass the peak.


The study also took a brief look at non-scientists as well. Check out the graphs for jazz musicians, painters, and authors.

Other interesting tidbits from the paper (and my own Googling) include:

* Orson Welles was a mere 26 when he wrote, produced, directed, and starred in Citizen Kane, which many consider to be the greatest movie ever made.

* James D. Watson made the greatest discovery in biology in the 20th century at the age of 25, winning the Nobel Prize for it. (Co-discovered the structure of DNA with Francis Crick.)

* Albert Einstein won the Nobel Prize for his work on the photoelectric effect, a paper that was published when he was 26 years old. (Einstein published his paper on general relativity when he was 36, although he had done work on the topic earlier in his life. Still, 36 is not that old.)

* Alan Turing, often considered to be the father of modern computer science, was 24 when he submitted his momentus paper, "On Computable Numbers." This paper provided a formalization of the concept of the algorithm and computation (The Turing Machine).

Well, my mid-20s are already long gone, but I feel like I still have some productive years left. I'd say 8 more years. I told the Evil Twins that I'm giving myself til age 40 to accomplish all the major things that I want to. After that, it's fading into post-40 obscurity whether I like it or not.

I also talked to Lil' A about this yesterday over 3 martinis. We decided that we need to make it onto the 40 Under 40 list.

On matching

I am a father and most of the post-worthy events in my life revolve around a 2-foot tall guy who craps his drawers. But I try hard to self-edit posts so as not to turn The Hose into a parenting blog. However, a recent event involving the boy challenged one of the long-held pillars of my personal vanity, which is a topic all to familiar to Hose readers. And so...

For most of my adult life, I have stood steadfastly against people wearing matching outfits. It's the primary reason I never joined the armed forces. In high school I opted out of matchy-matchy team sports in favor of swimming, where participants are free to wear whichever goggles they like. The height of my disdain came in the summer of 1994. My almost-a-girlfriend and I cruised down to Dallas for a day at Six Flags Over Texas. There were all sorts of idiots dressed alike - church groups, soccer teams, even couples! The worst of this motley lot was a couple wearing matching XXXXL t-shirts that said, on the front, "I don't see nothing wrong..." followed by "with a little bump 'n grind!" on the back. Class acts all the way.

As Hose readers can imagine, this aversion to matching created a daily struggle in the xTian-Sparks household in the late 1990's. "We can't both wear our Regis-inspired light-green dress shirt with light-green tie to Flute tonight."

Then I had a kid. My feelings started to waiver. First of all, he has much cooler clothes than I do. One shirt with a picture of a helicopter on it was so cool I wanted one for myself. He eventually outgrew it, but for Fathers' Day we got an awesome present - matching replacement helicopter shirts (pictured).

I was pretty pumped (finally, my own helicopter shirt), but The Cha was absolutely elated. He is barely old enough to tell day from night, but he recognized right away that we were wearing the same thing. He spent the whole day pointing at his shirt, then pointing at mine. It made his day, which made my day, and probably made Catjjy's day, too.

So a revision to my rule on matching: wearing matching clothes is a surprisingly effective bonding tool for fathers and (very young) sons, but should only be pursued when the outfit in question is cool enough for the father to wear even if the son is not around. Obviously, a helicopter shirt fits that bill.

I can already imagine the controversy this post is going to ignite.

Bargain Hunt

I had to go to Bed Bath and Beyond today to get one of those drain catchers - that plastic thing that prevents debris and such from clogging your drain.

Well, I found myself in Filene's Basement looking at discounted jeans. And right when I went to answer my cell phone, this Asian woman wearing scrubs takes the last pair of jeans from the rack. Argh!

So I follow her around the store giving her dirty looks and sighing kind of loudly. Finally, she puts them down, and I grab them to try on. They didn't fit anyway, but I'm not a bad person, right? She should be saving lives or something else like that.