Dear Razor

Why is it that when we travel you become such a pain in the ass? At home you are a great little razor. You perform the same every morning. Not the best shave, but respectable - and bloodless. Sometimes I get careless, but that is on me.

But when we are in a hotel, you start acting like a total douche. You always cut me. You make my neck look like a prop from a horror movie. What the hell? I use the same shaving cream. I shave at the same angle. I wake up at the same time. What's your problem?

And please don't try blaming this on the water, dear razor. That would be weak.

Don't screw with me tomorrow. I have an early meeting. I won't have an extra 20 minutes to hold a towel to my face. Screw with me, and I'll crush you, dear razor.