Dear Razor

Why is it that when we travel you become such a pain in the ass? At home you are a great little razor. You perform the same every morning. Not the best shave, but respectable - and bloodless. Sometimes I get careless, but that is on me.

But when we are in a hotel, you start acting like a total douche. You always cut me. You make my neck look like a prop from a horror movie. What the hell? I use the same shaving cream. I shave at the same angle. I wake up at the same time. What's your problem?

And please don't try blaming this on the water, dear razor. That would be weak.

Don't screw with me tomorrow. I have an early meeting. I won't have an extra 20 minutes to hold a towel to my face. Screw with me, and I'll crush you, dear razor.

The Hose Hates Manolo

Recently, Manolo in a brazen act of aggression, declared on facebook that he is starting a blog to discuss depression and suicide (or possibly Miami real estate, wait is that the same thing?)

Way to act like Iran, d*ckwad...

Me Outtie

Evil

Doesn't this little kitty look terrified? This pic cracks me up. I took it in Hongcun village, best known for having some scenes from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon shot in it.

Anyway, I'm off on a weeklong trip starting tomorrow. Not sure what the Internet connection situation will be, so I might or might not be on the Hose in the next 8 days. Evil, OUT!

Toughen Up, America!

Evil

I generally refrain from making overtly political comments on The Hose, much more preferring lighter topics, such as feeling sorry for myself and making fun of KillerB (the material is so rich in both areas!). But one political thing that gets me riled up is the leftist/liberal depiction of torture. I was watching Chris Matthews one time and he railed against the CIA's interrogation techniques. "Look at what they do to our enemies. Belly slapping. BELLY SLAPPING!" He was genuinely outraged that law enforcement officials would slap the belly of an enemy combatant.

Anyway, that is a long way to say that things we wouldn't do our our enemies, the Chinese apparently do to themselves... to celebrate! Great article on China's preparation to celebrate their National Day (which is like July 4th for us, but instead of celebrating freedom, it's the opposite) here. Included in the preparation training are:

They have trained to stand motionless for a solid hour, to refrain from swaying during the second hour and not to collapse after three hours, reported Xinhua, the state-run news agency.

They have been schooled in shouting phrases in perfect unison: "Serve the people!" and "Hello, senior leader!" They are also expected not to blink for 40 seconds at a time.

F, Marry, Kill

Evil

For you Mad Men watchers out there:

F, Marry, Kill: Joanie (head of the secretarial pool), Peggy (copy writer), Betty Draper.

Of for the ladies...

F, Marry, Kill: Pete Campbell (accounts douchbag), Kinsey (beatnick douchebag), Roger Sterling.

Mad Men Season 3 Episode 7: Seven Twenty Three

The episode starts with 3 completely out of context shots. Peggy passed out in a hotel bed. Don on the floor of a much dingier hotel room and finally Betty lazily lounging on a huge chaise lounge chair.
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Don does what he does best; seduce men to trust everything he says implicitly without any proper reason. Connie Hilton acknowledges this is what is going on by using a metaphor where Don is a dalliance he is having while cheating on his main advertising firm. At some point, the whole thing looks like it will take a turn for the Brokeback, but then stops short. Connie seems more into boxing in Don than anything else - strange.

Don’s heart is not in his current work. So much so that he lazily comes on to Hot4Teacher and then acts dumb when he is denied. Get it together Don, at the very least lose the sunglasses; it will help highlight your deep penetrating gaze.

The victory with Hilton is short lived as the Bryce, Roger and Bert demand he sign an exclusive contract. Don, feeling the caged bird just won’t sing, wants no part of this.

Peggy, meanwhile, is still being wooed by Duck in more ways than one. She plays up to her boss a bit to see what that will get her. Don has no use for tests and tells her to grow up. In a huff, she meets Duck and orders a whiskey which leads Duck to make some comments about Don that are disturbing in retrospect. Soon, Duck quite verbally explains what he wants to do to her. Later in bed, as he woods up in reaction to the whiskey on her breadth, I realize that he is seducing her to get back at Don somehow and really he would rather be f*cking Don, but not in a pleasant way. Peggy at least, sees freedom in this relationship. No longer daddy’s little girl, she can forge her own path at Grey and bang the boss – finally maybe taking Joan’s advice. The bird sees an opening in her cage and is debating tasting freedom...

Betty redecorates the house, hoping Don will notice her. When that doesn’t work, she joins the Junior League hoping everyone will be jealous of her perfect life which she hates. They sort of do. She later tries to further make these old biddies sit on it by seducing the guy from the country club into helping her with some stupid Westchester cause. He is about as insistent as one can be about giving a married woman the high hard one in 1963 but Betty is not ready for full on action. She just wants the whiff of danger, because she’s twelve. He mentions she should buy that huge chaise lounge. In her mind this is the same as cheating so she has it delivered to her house and then feels herself up on it in the summer heat. A bird, realizing she is in a cage and trying to make the most of it?

Don boxed in at work and later (after a phone call from Roger to Betty) at home, does what he does best - he makes a run for it. He picks up some hippies, takes a Quaalude and gets rolled in a hotel room. This is just getting sad! But not before he has a vision where his dad goof on his grifter ways and his shiftless profession. This is the scene where Don runs. Right?

Wrong, Bert shines up his devil horns and reminds Don a few things. First, he reminds Don that he and Roger made him. Second, Bert points out that he knows enough to unmake him (or the Draper façade anyway). Draper relents and sizes himself up for his cage. He won’t accept Roger as a playmate any longer though. Finally, we see Bertram’s teeth. I like it, you might has well have blacked out the white of his eyes. Neat ending.

Mad Men Season 3 Episode 6: A Guy Walks Into an Advertising Agency...

...and gets his foot hacked to pieces!!! BWAH!

The Brits are back! They are stopping by just to remind us just how disposable everyone is!

In other news, Connie also shows up to remind Don just how indispensable he is.
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Roger and Bert encourage Don. Telling him that the home office is very interested in his work and possibly suggesting more responsibilities in London. Bert also insists that Roger and Don play nice at a male salon. This is Sparks/xTian circa 1998 btw - suits and shaves. Except we didn't hate each other. Much unlike these two.

All this manual stimulation is for naught though. There is no promotion for Don at all. In fact the Brits have reorg in mind. They show up with a fancy new account man, a promotion for Rich Somer, more freedom for Don and a complete lack of Roger anywhere. Don is on some level delighted. Pryce also gets a one way ticket to Delhi and a stuffed serpent (symbolism much?) He takes takes it about as well as anyone would in 1963, which is not well at all. So Roger and Pryce are promptly shoved out a window in broad daylight. Its all very Cesare Borgia of them...

This of course does not stand.Smitty randomly takes a john deer lawn mower Ken received as a gift for a ride in the office and somehow the shiny new brit practically loses a foot! Holy crap. Is Smitty in the Armenian mob? That’s an Armenian mob move. Roger might be the lord of the Armenian mob because he finds the whole thing hysterical.

While the Armenian mob hit is in play, Don is off hanging out with his new bestie Conrad Hilton. Hilton (hearts) Don – such a man, so decisive but he clearly needs to break him, like one would a bucking bronco. Don is hip to this game and plays hard to get. Suddenly, it sinks in that everything Don does is a seduction. He is actively trying to seduce Connie. Connie looks like John Waters btw. I don’t know if Connie is being seduced or just playing along because he wants Don for his mind.

Lost in all the blood is that its Joan’s last day at SterlingCooper. Of course, this would be the case. Remember everyone is totally disposable. It is really too bad for her that Date-Rape Surgeon sucks at the second part and doesn’t have a job, so she needs to keep one even though she just quit. Joan is my favorite woman on the show. Why can’t she catch a break? The storyline we never explored but I really wish we had is the Don/Joan dynamic. We get a hint of in the hospital as a foot is getting reattached. I view these two as equals on the show, much more so than Betty who is basically a child. I suspect from their interaction that Don agrees. Why don’t I know their history? Clearly not the last of Joan, I wonder where she will show up again?

Just to confirm to everyone why we are here – Don hears from the Brits that the shiny new exec is done. He has in fact gotten the “boot” (bad dum pum). Pryce gets a stay of execution and Roger lives another day. I bet Connie’s offer is looking more and more attractive to a suddenly concerned Don.

The one place where Don is not disposable is at home, where he is subtly growing into a serviceable father. Betty remains an infuriating mediocre mother, but I just can't deal with her self involvement this week. It's clear that on some level he is trying to create his own Peggy/Joan in Sally. I can't wait to see where that goes.

Good Sport Of The Week Award...

... goes to: this baby's momma's vagina. It popped out a 19.2 pound bundle. WOW!

Unsolicited Presidential Advice

Evil

The President is everywhere! Last week, he went on 5 Sunday Morning talk shows. Then he showed up on Letterman.

Then he went to the United Nations, where laid the verbal smackdown on crazy people who use the UN as a forum to complain and generally go nuts.

Then he was in all night strategy sessions to decide to call Iran out on their nuclear program.

Then he went to Pittsburgh (PITTSBURGH!) for the G20 summit.

Now I read that the prez is going to Denmark next week to personally pitch the Chicago 2012 Olympic bid? I think this is one you could delegate, dude. Come On, People! Send Dr. Cosby!

Also, you look a little stressed out. Maybe call Walt "Clyde" Frazier and him for a free sample of Just For Men.

Lastly, great work on finally tracking down America's Enemy #1, Roman Polanski. Now maybe you can get the CIA to focus a little on Osama bin Laden. Or maybe not. There's that long-standing rumor that Elvis is still alive. We need to get to the bottom of that one!!!

Look Who Else Is High-Flying...

Evil

Things that Michael Vick and KillerB have in common:

- Both are big bullies

- Both are threats to society

- Both are high-flying

Cooking With KillerB - Top Chef Edition

If you are a Top Chef watcher, 2 weeks ago you would have seen Bryan, the better of the 2 brothers, win the Elimination Challenge in the desert with a Grilled Pork, Dandelion Greens and Rutabaga dish.

Catjjy spent the balance of the week begging Sparks to make this for her, and he refused. He was all, like, "uh uh". Enter KillerB.

A couple of notes: I think Dandelion greens are stupid (and hard to find), so I didn't cook them. Instead I made an heirloom tomato salad. I have no clue how to cook Rutabaga, but it looks like a potato, so I treated it accordingly.

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Cooking With Killer B - Preview

Tomorrow night I will be posting a special Cooking with Killer B on Demand post. Catjjy has requested some Top Chef dishes, so tomorrow night Killer B2 and I will be eating Byran's roasted pork loin on a bed of corn polenta with glazed Rutabega. I'm not going to bother looking for Dandelion Greens because I think that sounds gross.

This was from the recent campfire episode, which is appropriate, because cooking in our tiny NYC kitchen offers all of the convenience and ease of a campfire.

computer woes

I brought my computer to the repair shop today. some sketchy Chinese
place. I'm not sure what will come of it. just gonna cross my fingers
and hope for the best.

it'll likely be a few days before I can get back on the hose to read
posts and comments. I only have my iPhone now so the best I can do us
post because I post via the email2blogger interface.

if you are so kind, say a prayer for my pooter.

Mixed Feelings About Hating Betty Draper

(caveat: I'm writing this just as I've finished watching season 2 of
mad men but have not yet started watching season 3.)

I find myself hating Betty draper with a passion. my mixed feeling is
not at all about whether I hate her or not. there's no debate to that
end. my mixed feeling is about my guilt for hating her.

by most accounts, it should be don draper who is at fault. him with
his numerous affairs - the artist girl, the Jewish department store
lady, the comedian's wife, the 20 year old he met in California. but
after that dinner party where Betty draper served heinekin and
everyone left and she went up to don and said "you embarrassed me."
the way she said it multiple times and the steely way in which she
said it made me so mad!!!!! how dare she talk to don like that?

doesn't she realize that everything she has is because of don? as if,
without him, she could go riding at the stables all the time and ogle
some tall awkward guy who can't ride. ugh!

intellectually I get the sense that it's wrong to hate Betty draper
and it's wrong to give don draper a free ride. but that's how I feel!

sad

my laptop died last night. I've been awake for three hours but haven't
gotten out of bed. I think I am depressed. sending this from my
iPhone.

I'm Glad I Don't Feel Like This Guy

Evil

Well well well, New England. You had a pretty good run there with the Pats, Red Sox, and Celtics. But your reign is officially OVER! Thank goodness, too. You're such insufferable winners.

Real Time Tweeting from the Pat at NY Jets Game

I did some real time tweeting from the Jet's game last Sunday. Here are the scintillating results. Remember you can always follow me on twitter at xtiantweets

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# The view from our seats http://twitpic.com/ihtmg
3:53 PM Sep 20th from Echofon

# The good news for Brady is that being mr. Gisele bundchen is a full time job.
3:45 PM Sep 20th from Echofon

# On the train home from giants stadiums, Jet fan hopefullness us palpable.
3:44 PM Sep 20th from Echofon

# Sanchez played ok, not even good. Brady played scared. Secondary locked down receivers
3:42 PM Sep 20th from Echofon

# Pats in hurry up, no offense from jets. Tired jets defense
1:33 PM Sep 20th from Echofon

# We need to stop babying sanchez and get vertical. We also need to run more. I also need a 7th beer
1:30 PM Sep 20th from Echofon

# Most random jeresey sighting? Kyle Clifton #59 or a mid 80s Wesley walker jersey.
1:29 PM Sep 20th from Echofon

# RT @sportsguy33: No Welker for Pats today. I don't think I could be more afraid of this game if it was standing in my doorway holding an ax.
11:28 AM Sep 20th from Echofon

# Guys are talking doctor smack. Psychiatry vs. Surgery. Dr. Orgy as arbitor
10:36 AM Sep 20th from Echofon

# Tailgating...or trying. http://twitpic.com/igd7q
10:20 AM Sep 20th from Echofon

# Moment of hubris to offset my cautious optimism. I am calling @jayadya out. If pats win, next happy hour drinks are on me
9:18 AM Sep 20th from Echofon

# Guy on njtransit train wearing a green color Boston red sox t-shirt. Good strategy to avoid getting a beer poured on you at meadowlands.
9:14 AM Sep 20th from Echofon

# Train sighting of a twenty five year old gastinaeu jersey http://twitpic.com/ig54e
9:08 AM Sep 20th from Echofon

# That's a recipe for a huge letdown on the nyjets side. Those guys still have mr. Budchen, moss and belicheck over there.
9:07 AM Sep 20th from Echofon

# On the train heading to jets/pats game. Huge expectations for jets off a strong showing and some big flaws the pats showed against buffalo.
9:05 AM Sep 20th from Echofon

Has The NYT Been Reading The Hose?!

Evil

From this article:

"Former U.S. vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin, criticized for her lack of foreign policy experience, emerged in Asia on Wednesday to share her views from ''Main Street U.S.A'' with a group of high-flying global investors."

Cooking With Killer B - Crab Cake Edition

Back by popular demand (did you notice the near uprising in the comments section today?), it's the latest installment of Cooking With Killer B.

Do you ever find yourself with a pound of lump crab meat and no plan on what to do with it? Me too!!! But don't worry, Killer B is here to help you. Help you make delicious food that is!!!!!

Get your drool on after the jump...
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What We're Sayin, I'm Just Sayin

"I'm Not Sayin'... I'm Just Sayin'..."

Evil

Ah ha! Following up on an earlier post, I think I've finally gotten to the bottom of what the phrase "I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'..." really means. I used to think it was shorthand for a self-contradicting statement. For example:

"I'm not sayin' he's a fat ass, I'm just sayin' he's a fat ass."

But no! It's really shorthand for a statement in this form:

"I'm not sayin' <harsh/blunt statment here>, I'm just sayin' <less harsh statement here>"

For example:

"I'm not sayin' he's a fat ass, I'm just sayin' that his favorite shirt is a tent."

Still, the shorthand phrase "I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'" is retarded and should not be used, EVER, unless you're trying to annoy me. Asswipes.

Sino-Japanese Strife

Evil

My people, the Chinese, have long suffered at the hands of the Japanese. For example, while I was at university, I had to endure the endless humiliation of always getting beaten out in the grades department by Kentak3, a Japanese. Thus, you can see why I am wary of his people.

I ended classes at the private school and started classes at one of the local universities this week. Turns out that about half the class is Japanese! YIKES. I sat next to a Japanese girl yesterday. She was only auditing the class, so she hadn't purchased a textbook yet. So she looked on with me. This was reading class; the teacher would give us a 3 to 5 minutes to read various passages ranging from 400 to 1700 words. Each time, this Japanese girl would finish reading when I got to about the mid-way point of each passage!

What a total psyche-out. After she lifted her head up, indicating that she finished reading, my mind would go blank. As hard as I tried to read the rest of the passage, I couldn't. I couldn't concentrate! ARRRRGH. *shakes fist at the Japanese*

Moral of the story: don't agree to share your book with anyone. It'll only cause you mental distress.

Is Joe Wilson A Racist?

Evil

I was listening to an NPR podcast today and the topic of discussion was whether or not Joe Wilson ("You lie!!!") is a racist. Frankly, I'm confused as to how this is topic even came up. Based on the guy's outburst, we could probably make the following conclusions:

1- He's a rude jagoff

2- His momma didn't teach him no manners

3- Maybe he has Tourette Syndrome

But what about the outburst itself was racist? Or were people using information from out sources/incidents to draw this conclusion?

TV Show Recommendations

Evil

I'm done with Season 1 of Mad Men and already through one-third of Season 2. I have all five episodes of Season 3 downloaded and ready to watch.

Question: After I'm fully caught up with Mad Men, what other TV series should I start watching?

- The Sopranos?

- Entourage?

- Dexter?

- Weeds?

- other?

I'm totally behind the times when it comes to TV dramas and/or comedies. Any suggestions appreciated!

Mad Men Season 3 Episode 5: The Fog

This week Sally is sad, Sally’s teacher is hard up, Don bonds with a security guard, Campbell discovers black people then bonds with one and Duck smarms his way back into everyone’s life in a turtle neck! HAH. Oh yeah, Betty has a fever dream about her Mom, Dad and Medgar Evers and gives birth.
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Don and Betty show up at school so Hot4Teacher can oogle Don and tell them that Sally is off the rails. Betty is put out because her Dad is dead and she is too busy not grieving and being pregnant to bother with her self involved daughter/competition. While Betty is in the restroom, Don’s hair pomade, standing in for cigarette smoke, flirts with Hot4Teacher.

Back at work, the Brits are yelling about paper and pencils. Don, fresh from his elementary school meetings, walks in late digests the topic and leaves. His cigarette mentioning that the whole thing is beneath him as they briskly part. Later in a one on one, Big Chief Brit tries to simultaneously make nice/have a pissing contest with Don. Don’s cigarette speechifies “Look, I’m creative. You need me. Go be an accountant somewhere else”, still the point is made.

Later, Campbell is depressed about his client list. He notes that his crappy TV manufacturer is overall flat but growing in inner cities. He wonders if there is money to be made with blacks. The Couch Commie is too busy with his pipe and his Marxist rhetoric (for real) to care. Ken shows up and talks about how his awesome clients are too busy buying him watches and taking him to Mets games to ask him for more work. Advertising is FUN! Peter, flustered, pouts to himself about needing to change the game.

Cut to hilarity in an early 60s boardroom as Peter tries to explain Jet Magazine to a very uninterested pair of white business executives. Rich Sommer is in the meeting to give the whole thing some credibility. None of his rational thought saves him from a classic Bert/Roger hand slap, though the annoying Big Chief Brit points out that Peter may have an interesting point.

A dejected Peter agrees to meet the Duck for lunch. Little does he know that Duck wants Peter and Peggy to come over as a package deal, assuming they are “together”. Peter storms out. Peggy listens and though clearly put off by Duck’s new found smarm, gets an idea.

Peter runs into Hollis the Elevator Operator and asks him about TV purchase. Hollis just wants him, and the couch commie and anyone else who ever thought he was the sole voice for blackness to go away. It doesn’t work, mostly because Peter is a tone deaf brat. Somehow, after giving Peter a little lecture, they bond a little. Who else smells spin off?

Hot4Teacher calls Draper and demands the full service (Draper then Pitino then Draper again) and Don is quick conversation with the cigarette of poor decisions away from knocking that down when Betty’s water breaks. He takes an IOU and rushes Betty to the hospital. Draper actually loses his cool a bit. Jarring, I know.

At the Hospital, a Mama Bear takes Betty into the delivery room and sends Don packing to wherever the gents sit and wait. I had a jarring memory here. Fantastic Four Annual 4 where Sue Storm gives birth to Franklin Richards and we spend the whole issue with The Thing, The Torch and Mr. Fantastic in the waiting room (till they have to go to the negative zone to get something that will keep the newborn Franklin from exploding). In the waiting room, Don meets a Security Guard with Red Label in his pocket. FRIEND! Don actually makes a joke or three and bonds with the nervous first time father to be. Don loves opening up to random fellows of blue collar background huh? Interesting, this actually reminded me of my first internship ever, every lunch I would play cards with the security guards. No one else seemed to notice I was there. I like Don.

While Don is making friends, Betty is going to looneytown. She has a few weird child like hallucinations then meets her parents who are cleaning up where Medgar Evers got shot. There is much lecturing and much pouting (guess who?) and finally her dad compares her to a housecat, something of great skill of which very little is expected. Ouch, she’s giving birth. Even I can cut her a little slack.

Back outside, Don’s friend drunkenly commits to be a better person. Don has already been shamed to admit he does not play ball with his son and is thinking back to his near bang of the teacher. Don’s cigarette quietly dismisses the drunken guard so they can quietly stew about their own limitations in peace.

Don does what he does best - rush back to hide out at work. Peggy will have none of this and inspired by Duck demands a raise. Don tells her to get bent. Peggy points out that he has everything, 3x more than then he needs. Don is already feeling like a mega-douche. Judgment from his prize pupil cements that this is dump on Don week.

Leaving the hospital he seems his friend again, who averts his eyes to mask his insecurity. If only you knew, plot device of the week, if only you knew. Back at home, Don is making some wonderful looking hash and warms up to his daughter in a way that he hardly ever seems to. Don is growing…I wonder how he reacts when Hot4Teacher returns next week?Sorry for the delay. I'll be better next week.

Beating Yourself Senseless

All of the major sports have improved dramatically over the last 100 years. The 2009 Dallas Cowboys would score several hundred points in a regulation game against the 1920 Chicago Cardinals, were such a thing possible. One thing that is really fascinating about the sports that we watch today is that, over that time, the offensive and defensive functions have improved in lock-step with each other. In football this seems obvious, but in other sports it is less so. Consider:

1. Racquetball – Here is a sport that actually did put itself out of business. Apparently, the sport used to be very popular in the 1970s (my informal survey of racquet clubs built during that time supports that thesis). Now nobody plays it. Why? At the championship levels, racquetball’s offense (hitting a very fast ball in a small enclosed area) became so overwhelming that it overtook the defense function. Nobody – not even the best players – could return a serve. Racquetball’s slower cousin, squash, is still widely played because you can return a serve.
2. Men’s Tennis – Watch an Andy Roddick match and it becomes clear that technology advances are threatening the sport. His game is all offense. No rallies. No volleys. No net play. He sends a 150 mph serve at this opponent. If that opponent gets his return to land in play, the opponent wins the point. If not, Andy wins it. Yawn. Tennis officials are keeping a close eye on this and flirt with various ideas, like wooden rackets, to keep the game in check.
3. Baseball – This one is the most interesting because the offense (hitting) and defense (pitching) are such different skills. They have both improved a ton, and yet MLB batting averages have held pretty constant over the last 100 years. If pitching gets up to 120mph+ range, will it become impossible to score? Or if improvement in pitching levels out, will we see a generation of still-improving batters that hit .700?

What modern day sport is in the most serious jeopardy of having its offense and defense function fall out of sync with each other, thus destroying the game? Is there a sport where the defense outpaced (or is outpacing) the offense? Is soccer's defense threatening to kill the sport?

Mark Sanchez Recap - Good Start, Not Getting Too Excited (Except for the part where I started looking at hotel rooms for the Superbowl)

18 of 31 passes for 272 yards sounds like a pretty good start right. It sounds better when you consider this - On 3rd downs, he was 12 of 15 for 191 yards and a touchdown -- a 141 passer rating. Holy Crap! The even better news is that I learned something yesterday. He throws well (maybe better) on the run, and does not need to be set to throw a good spiral. It's not at all like Vick, maybe more Romo-esque. Have said that, there could have been 3 INTs in that game. The good news is there was only 1.

Dr. Orgy and I will be at the game next week. We will be the guys hiding under our seats, hoping for the best but anticipating the worst, as Belicheck throws the kitchen sink at the Jets.

Kayne Banned From The Hose!

Evil

The Hose can forgive a first offender because after all, no one is perfect. But The Hose does not tolerate repeat offenders! After tonight's outburst at the MTV Music Video Awards, Kayne is now officially banned from The Hose. I've blocked his IP address so he's not able to comment.

Joe Wilson, you're officially on notice!

Serena Willams, you too!!!

Why I Never Won A US OPEN Juniors Title

Because the trophy is really, really, incredibly pathetic. This trophy says "participant", not "champion". Poor Australian kid has to take this piece of shit home with him. At least the American runner up can eat a sandwich off of his.

I'm 33 and I Did Something New This Week!!!!!!

Earlier this week I was in the shower, listening to the radio, getting my average high flying marketing day started. Then something happened.


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I closed my eyes, and washed my eyelids. MY EYELIDS. I rubbed soap on them. I let warm water wash over them. And then they were clean.

I can't be definitive, but I'm pretty sure that was the first time in 33 years my eyelids had been cleaned.

Did my parents forget to teach me this? Have Hosers been cleaning their eyelids from day 1? If so, good news. Some awesome high flying marketing folks have created Ocusoft Lid Scrub!!!!

Awesome.

We Should All Get Together and Watch Glee on Fox Wednesdays at 9

It rained so rather than watch the Big Ten mortify themselves yesterday, I decided to check out Glee, the clip below is from the middle of episode 2 so be sure to go back to hulu and find the first two episodes to watch them in order. It has all the elements that I look for in TV - attractive cast, set in high school, some sort of geeks vs. jocks dynamic and SINGING AND DANCING! F YEAH! Rock! I love musical episodes of TV shows...a show that is always a musical episode would rock and this show is every shade of awesome I could imagine.

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Premise - A teacher, the once Glee Club God of the school, decides to resurrect the source of his greatest triumph for a new generation of losers. His recruits include a know-it-all priss with two gay dads who is marginalized all the reason above, a sassy black girl (natch), a little gay guy, a stuttering asian goth chick and a kid in a wheel chair. Needing to step things up he cons the (shower stall proven golden voiced) QB of the football team to join in, upsetting the apple cart of high school order. He's supported in his endeavors by a cute guidance councilor with OCD and his wife who "works hard 4 hours a day 3 days a week" and blows all their money at Pottery Barn.

High Points
-The singing is great - Rachel the know it all priss was actually in Spring Awakenings on Broadway, the others also seem to be broadway alums as well
-Rachel and Finn are Ross and Rachel for a new generation. "You could kiss me if you want" is one of the most hilarious scenes I have ever seen. It also ends on a perfectly organic heartbreaking note. Woah, this is a good show
-OCD - OCD jokes always crack me up. The rest of the teacher staff is awesome, especially the football coach who wears those stupid shorts only football coaches own
- Jane Lynch as the Cheerleader coach. You just got to watch it

Low Points
I sort of hate the teacher's home life storyline. It just makes him a sadder hero.

Anyway, I'm in. Love, romance, conspiracies, SINGING!

18 Hours to Kick Off Time to Start Pre-Gaming

Joe Namath and Ann-Margaret, 1969

Taking It To The Next Level

Evil

From time to time, I will comment on current trends and predict where things are heading. I call this series "Taking It To The Next Level."

Let's start with the status of the Office Of The President. As we all know, Presidential prestige has been in decline for decades now. The downgrade of Presidential prestige started innocently enough when Jimmy Carter got the shit scared out of him by... WAIT FOR IT... a rabbit! There was no way he was going to win re-election after that.

So in comes President George HW Bush. He lessens the status of our country's Head of State going to a foreign land (Japan) and vomiting on its's Prime Minister. Not really his fault, since it was probably bad sushi. Those sneaky Japanese! But still, a blow the Office Of The President nonetheless.

Once Bill Clinton takes the Oval Office, things start to get really crazy. Jizzing on an intern's dress and cigar-banging her. Not that these acts are bad, necessarily. The main problem was that the entire fiasco played out on 24 hour cable news.

George W Bush... actually, under his watch, the status of the Office Of The President got a temporary reprieve. Big ups to "W" for doing it old school and upholding the prestige of his office.

We all know the latest incident, where Congressman Joe Wilson yells out "You lie!" to Barack Obama during an address to a joint session of Congress.

So what can we expect for the rest of the Obama administration and beyond? What would be Taking It To The Next Level? I predict that during a future State Of The Union Address, the cameras will cut to the audience and we'll catch some random Congressman from some lame-ass Gerrymandered district rolling his eyes and making a "jerk off" motion with his hand. Yes, that's what it's coming down to.

It's An Epidemic!

Evil

Just took this screenshot from the baseball section on MLB.com. Look at the rash of back "injuries"! We all know that playing baseball is not comparable to competing in the Olympic Clean & Jerk. These back injuries are undoubtedly from too much banging. Damn, these lucky players. (We all remember that Larry Johnson of the Knicks, with his series of back injuries, essentially banged himself out of the NBA.) It's a Sofie's choice of sorts... keep banging as much as you can and lose your multi-million dollar cash cow, or keep making the big bucks but cut back on the banging?

Friday Quickie

• Football is back! Boy, the Steelers don't look great - the o-line is questionable, Willie Parker has lost three steps and The Hose Official Boyfriend Troy Palumalu is hurt.


• It's the anniversary of 9/11. xTian is sad. The good news is that Al-Qaida has more problems than the Harvard and Yale Endowments combined. Where were you 8 years ago? I remember listening to Howard Stern for like 2 hours as he covered the whole thing live, joining a IM chat session where Evil irrationally made fun of people till they all stormed off in anger/dispair. Later, I was stuck in a hotel in Norwalk, CT watching Heartbreakers and wondering if it was too soon to be turned on by Jennifer Love Hewitt.


• I think you can donate to SC Democrat Rob Miller's Campaign for Congress here. Of course, you know this already because you are probably one of the thousands of randoms who donated half a million bucks to his campaign yesterday. Open question - how many of these folks bothered to figure out who he was or what stood for beyond the fact that he stands against tourette-addled (likely) racist Joe Wilson?


• Alan Turing was not Gay! British PM Gordon Brown says so! Sorry about the chemical castration to our favorite British war hero and second favorite father of Computer Science. Mr. Shoulders can end his decades long vigil for justice whenever he likes (OR NOT).


• Houston is giving -4.5 at home against the Jets. That is intriguing for any of our friends in Las Vegas or on a Carribean Island looking to place a wager. Sanchez on the road? Against that pass rush? Crazy I know, but the Jets are blitzing coming off the bus. hmmm...hmmmmmmm


• Not that anyone in NY listens to the Radio, but there is finally a modern rock radio station in NY and they decided to count down the 1019 best rock songs (as selected by fans - most of whom seem to live in NJ and lover Bruce Springsteen, the Rolling Stones and the Kinks). Interesting list, borderline insane, but includes many of the song we thought were missing from the pitchfork top 20 of the 2000s list. While we are here, has anyone had a bigger accidental renaissance than the Kinks in the last 10 years? You love a Kinks song, I know you do. I love "Strangers". The Kinks should just write Wes Andersen and David Chase royalty checks now.

The Optimist - Volume 2

Oh crap. I can't believe it.

Ellen has really been named the new Idol judge? I miss Paula already. Paula was fun. She was on drugs. She had sex with contestants. She was never pitchy. She almost never knew where she was, or why she was there. And that was great.

Ellen? How can the Optimist make sense of this? What good can possibly come of this? Where is the silver lining?

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At least they didn't hire Suze Orman

They Play For The Same Team

Evil

Listening to the Mets radio pregame show. Ed Coleman is interviewing Mets Manager Jerry Manuel. They're talking about David Wright. Ed Coleman asks Jerry: "Have you thought about giving him a blow?"

Wow! I guess that's how Jerry got the reputation for being a "players manager." He'll do anything for his boys.

2009 NFL Storylines To Watch - Fate Of The Young Coach

Evil

Eric Mangini got his first NFL head coaching job when he was 35. At the time, that made him the youngest head coach in the league. Earlier this year, Josh McDaniels further pushed the limit when he became the Broncos' head coach. He was only 32 at the time.

The fate of young NFL coaches is a storyline to watch this season. I am actively rooting hard against both these guys. Not because they are both immature douches (which they are), but because young people who achieve things makes me feel bad about myself. So if these guys end up falling flat on their faces, my ego will somehow be soothed by it.

Luckily for me, both these guys seem to be disasters. Josh McDaniel, in his first official duty as a head coach, drove his quarterback (Jay Cutler) out of town. Smooth move, a-hole. He's now feuding with his best receiver, Brandon Marshall. It would not surprise me if this guy gets canned before week 8.

Eric Mangini has already made me feel a little better about myself because he's already gotten canned once. YAH! But he someone got another head coaching gig right away. Still, he's generally viewed as a task-master a-hole and universally hated by his players. Hey Eric Mangini, I have a tip for you: if you want to be taken seriously as a task master, maybe you can show enough self control not to eat a dozen donuts for breakfast. (See pic above.) All these task-master coaches who cant muster the energy to run 400 meters are all frauds. It also wouldnt surprise me if this guy gets canned before week 8.

Hopefully, these two guys' failures will put an end to this young coaches trend so that my ego can rebound a bit.

US Open Round Up - Where Have You Gone Michael Chang?

Americans are beside themselves with the emergence Melanie Oudin (it really is unfortunate that Caroline Wozniacki will beat her senseless tonight) and that really is great. We have not had a real star emerge since the Williams Sisters showed up a (tennis) generation ago.
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On the men's side its much more dire, no american men made it to the second week. 20 plus years ago, America's Men Tennis was starting what would be a unique run of dominance that really spoiled us as a country. The outsized (though old) personalities of Connors and McEnroe were replaced by a new wave. This wave of talent included Andre Agassi and his then flashy clothes, Jim Courier, Pete Samprass and my personal favorite, Michael Chang. Not blessed with a huge serve (just a huge heart) Chang was the fly that would no go away. Watching him play was amazing. History will remember as the greatest counter puncher ever. He was sensational in first french open run. It was inspiring. So much so that the Bump and three quarters of central NJ incorporated a moonball into their repertoire. Like all things in sports they all faded away. The last being Andre Agassi who's parting gift was one great night of tennis three years ago - the last time anyone cared about American Men's Tennis. This year, on the men's side, all we had to talk about is the J-Block and Brooklyn Decker(even his wikipedia entry starts with her). It's just sad.

Shout out to the Hose Official Girlfriend Kateryna Bondarenko! Good luck in your quarterfinal match against Yanina Wickmayer today!

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Sometimes I feel like this guy... as in, sometimes I feel like a loser. Not that I feel gay. I never feel gay.

New Global Currency - Seems Perfectly Reasonable to KillerB

A few months ago when China and Russia began suggesting that the US Dollar perhaps isn't the best reserve currency the world could have, people lost their shit. Not just nut jobs like (macro-economic genius) Glenn Beck, but other, respectable American folks. Since then the drumbeat has grown a bit louder, and today the UN has issued a report suggesting that.....WAIT FOR IT....the US Dollar perhaps isn't the best reserve currency the world could have.

I understand why policymakers and Senators and publicly accountable officials would be against this, and I understand it would be a blow to the US economically, emotionally, etc. But isn't the core idea pretty sound? That the world should not be trading almost exclusively in the currency of one country, whose GDP accounts for just 23% of world GDP, seems like a pretty fair point to me.

Doesn't the argument of diversification hold here too?

Someone set me straight.

2009 NFL Season Storylines to Watch (Part 2) - The Wildcat 2.0

The Wildcat will evolve. (Note: Because you demanded it I am going to expand on my point now 8 hours after the original post. jerks)

Sure Michael Vick has soaked up most of the attention with his arrival in Philly. However, the story I am interested in is Pat White's arrival in Miami. For those of you who don't know, Pat ran the spread-option offense at the University of West Virginia. This is much different than the more vertical version of the spread that evolved out of the Run-N-Shoot. That version has really not been seen in the NFL since the NY Jets executed it to pull out the Monday Night Miracle in the Meadowlands way back in 2000.

More...In the Spread-Option, the field is "spread" by up to 5 eligible receivers and the QB has the the "option" of running or passing. Lanes are available for both because there are too many options on the field to defend. Thanks in part to this system, the athletic White finished his career at West Virginia with 6,051 yards and 56 touchdowns passing and 4,480 yards and 47 touchdowns rushing - a total of 10,531 yards and 103 touchdowns over his career. Several important points to address here:
-First, let's define the wildcat. The wildcat is a direct snap to the a player on the overloaded side of an offensive line. By overloaded, I mean there is either a lineman shift or an tight end on the side where the ball is snapped to. The QB and RB (or two RBs) are both on the overload side - either can receive the snap and then generally run, but you can pass. Ronnie Brown did this last year. The Ravens also introduced a wildcat formation with a direct snap to Troy Smith who used it once to complete a 46yd pass to a streaking Joe Flacco. At this point we are basically looking at a spread-option, just from an overloaded formation with two potential passers on the field. Last year Flacco and Smith even tried to throw the ball to each other back and forth on the same play. Awesome.
-If you think about a traditional running play, you basically give up a player on the field. On most runs, a QB hands off the ball and then desperately gets out of the way so as to not get hurt. QBs take up a lot of salary cap room, you can't not have them on the field. The Wildcat is more interesting because the QB is now an "active" part of any hand off (or direct snap) scenario. He either has a blocking or (now) a receiving responsibility on any play. Awesome.
-The spread is exactly the sort of thing that makes college football so much fun but usually doesn't work in the NFL because quarterbacks are generally "too expensive" and can't be risked in minimal protection packages. That's not the case here. Though both are serviceable QBs neither Chad nor Pat is irreplaceable. Having Chad race down the sideline laying down a block down field is totally reasonable. It's not like he's Peyton Manning or Eli Manning's contract (which must be protected at all costs).
-Pat White is perfect for all of this. If he had come out 2 years ago, he would have gone in the 5th round and been made a defensive back. Here, thanks to the wildcat, his hybrid nature is now an important. Pat White is on the field, there is an equal chance that he will be passing, rushing or receiving. Unless your name is Rex Ryan, you just can't plan for that.
-Lastly, this is a way better scenario for the Wildcat to flourish than in Philly, where egos will undermine everything. Chad is a class act and Pat is just glad to be in the league. Also Parcells and Sparano are motherf*cking crazy. They will do just about anything.
Watch out!

2009 NFL Season Storylines to Watch (Part 1)

Aaron Rodger is ready to become an elite quarterback.

Aaron Rodgers came out of Cal (Go Bears!) a few years ago and got buried by megad*uche Brett Favre. Well, that's fine because last year Aaron threw for 28 TDs and over 4,000 yards in his first full year as a starter. This year he makes the leap. As previously discussed, there are two premiere QBs (Brady and Peyton) and then there are a bunch of guys who either manage to be on winning teams (Eli, McNabb, maybe a Pennington) or put up gawdy numbers (Brees, Rivers). This year, Aaron Rodgers secures that third spot. Thank you.

Mad Men : Season 3 Episode 4 - The Arrangements

This week the guys and gals of Mad Men decide to direct their existential angst towards the their respective relationships with their parents and, where applicable, their children.

We also get some hilarity with the JV squad and Jai Alai - "the sport of the future".
More...Papa Gene loves his grand kids, in particular his grand daughter. So much so in fact that he lets her drive the car. AWESOME! Unfortunately, they don't get into the car accident I predicted. Silly xTian, an ER scene is too over the top for this show. Scenes like that would just cost us important Draper drinking and smoking time.

Of course, Papa Gene is also keenly aware that he is losing it and decides to dump all his old people end of life planning on Betty - she takes it about as well as one would expect - as in not well at all. He takes the opportunity to call her a whimp, lament that he raised such weak children and goof on Betty about being with Don (what's wrong with Don? You take that back, you crotchety old coot!). He insists that he will not make that same mistake twice - which is why little Sally is driving a car and being encouraged to be whatever she wants in life; in pointed contrast to her mother, who sucks, just in case we did not know.

Papa Gene also remembers he has a grandson for 30 seconds and bequeaths to Bobby a helmet he took off a German Soldier he killed during the Great War (the first one natch, not the pansy ass second one that Don was involved in).

All this annoys Draper to no end. His cigarette smoke tells us what he's thinking - "I wish this old coot would go away and stop sneaking ice cream to my daughter and stop talking about how awesome shooting people is to my kid. Of course, if this old coot dies then my wife will be in hysterics for a month and I'll be left to tend to these mouth breathers all to myself, unless the black maid shows up again. What is Carla's schedule again? Does she only show up when we need to cover some casual racism in a plot line or someone to give Betty some lip?". (I think I got the cigarette monologue transcribed exactly. Let me know if I missed anything)

Of course the old coot dies and everyone acts exactly as they should - Bills shows up and contributes nothing, Betty acts dramatically put out by the whole thing and little Sally puts everyone in their place. This one scene telling us a lot - as Don basically looks Sally's way while his cigarette smoke explains that Sally "just needs to put up with her dingbat mother for a bit while she 'grieves' but of course Sally is right and Don is on her side". The cigarette smoke sure was chatty this week.

Don is way more comfortable at work, where he teaches his work children (Sal and Peggy) in his ongoing lecture series Inventing a perfect fiction of a personal life while being awesome at the advertising game. This week, Sal gets to direct a sexy young thing in a commercial in the least heterosexual way possible. Even his dim bulb wife, who I volunteer to f*ck btw, needed a fire extinguisher to get through her scene with him. The commercial is a disaster but Sal is a hit. Peggy is proved right about the "Bye Bye Birdie" thing not working on diet cola, as Don's look and his cigarette smoke explain. Peggy also decides to move to the CITY to complete her Draperesque transformation into the perfect person from nowhere (Casual aside - It is completely inobvious to people that I from NJ, this was not true 15 years ago. In fact people have no idea where I am from. This is exactly how I want it.). After some goofing from the boys, Joan helps her put out an ad that is likely to attract hot, trampy broads! One shows up! WOW! I can't wait till Draper shows this girl the Pitino at the Oak Room.

The comedy stylings of Peter Campbell never stop. This week he shows up with the dumbest, richest frat brother ever imagined for TV. Horace (Ho-Ho for short) thinks that Jai Alai is the wave of the future and has a big boy crush on someone named Pachi. He shows up to SterlingCooper demanding to turn over a bag of money in exchange for a high flying marketing plan that will overtake baseball. Pryce jumps at the chance and Draper gets to deliver the line of the night in the strangest reprimand I have ever seen anyone give their boss "I once saw a loaf of bread fall off a truck during the depression. That was more dignified than this". In the end they turn to Ho-Ho's dad who basically echoes the same sentiment Papa Gene had about betty earlier in the episode before telling Bert, Draper and Co that its time for his kid to learn a hard lesson as he laments his quiet failure as father.

Draper of course, has no time for such sentiment and the episode ends with his daughter reading "The Rise and Fall of The Roman Empire" and he putting all this father figure nonsense (and Gene's cot) away. The End.

I have not been rating these episodes but I think this is second strongest this season after the premiere. I generally agree with Sparks' criticism that the episode last week was plodding and am still wondering what the f the grass was about in episode 2.

Note: Just in case you are wondering why Jai Alai never took off in this country, Bill Simmons of ESPN tweeted some reading material on the subject. That link is here.

Labor Day Ramble

It's Labor Day!!!! (Evil - you can stop reading now)

To honor Labor Day, I thought I would recount some (edit: all) of my labors.
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My early forays into labor were pretty common: mowing lawns, dog walking, dog sitting etc. This was mostly how I facilitated my baseball card hobby. An investment that has returned about -95%. If anyone needs a bunch of Jerome Walton rookie cards send me an email.

I babysat once. For the Martin kids. It was the worst 5 hours of my life. They went around the house and intentionally broke all of the light bulbs they could find. Then said I did it when their parents came home - 3 hours after they were supposed to go to bed, which they refused to do. Also, they refused to take their Ritalin. I don't know why their parents didn't give it to them before they left. I hate the Martins. Craig Martin - if you are reading this, you can suck it.


My first real job was as a caddy at Sycamore Hills Golf Club. This is a real golf club, where caddies wear white jump suits - so cool. I started at the bottom, earning $15 per round + tip. I usually did 1 round a day about 5 days a week. Sometimes I would do 2 loops per day. Within a few months I had been promoted all the way up the ladder to Master Caddie - which paid $25 per round. Cha-ching!!!!!

After a year of this I was recruited to work in the cart room at the Club. This was an hourly gig. I worked 40 hours per week - the most allowable by child labor laws (I was 15). To get the job I had to take a Myers-Briggs test. At 15. I failed. It was a big deal. The club owner didn't want me. The guy who ran operations, Gene, had to pull a bunch of strings. I was supposed to start the afternoon of the test - but because I somehow blew it it took a couple of weeks before Gene managed to get the OK. I imagine his arguemt was something like "He's 15! What the hell does he know?!?!?!" Whew! WELCOME TO THE RAT RACE!!!!!!

The next year I became Cart Room Manager. I had a staff of 8-10 guys. Most of them were older than me. HA! I had the keys to the place. I was able to HIRE PEOPLE!!!! I was 16 and had a car, so my parents didn't have to drop me off anymore. I did that for a few years. The summer after my freshman year in college was my last summer. I had gone as far as I could in that job.

The next summer I went for the $$$. I got a job working third shift at an auto parts company. It paid $20/hour. CHA-CHING!!!!! I would work the night shift, go straight to the golf course for a 7AM tee time, then home to bed. PERFECT LIFE!!!! I did that for 3 years. I was laid off the third year. Downsizing. I was on the cutting edge of the decline of the auto-industry. No jobs bank there though.

At college I worked in the media library. This was the part of the library in the basement where they kept all of the movies. I had a desk, with a TV, a VCR, and racks and racks of movies. Plus, nobody ever came down there. I worked with a girl named Kathryn Peacock. I had a crush on her. The most embarrassing story of my life involves her. I miss her.

After college I worked at an architecture firm, as a freelance writer, and a management consultant. BOOOOORRRRRRING.

So that's it. That's my life of labor. That is just about everything I've ever been paid money to do. I'm considering asking my current boss whether I can be a 3rd shift High Flying Marketing Executive. I'll cover the phones and stuff from 9PM - 6AM, and can be on the links by 7AM. I think she might find value in that.

Ignorant Tennis Commentary

Evil

I know nothing at all about tennis (except that Michael Chang is the 2nd best tennis player in history, behind Rod Laver), but I don't want to feel left out so I'll weigh in with some tennis commentary...

1. Are the Russian women 'roiding? Look at this chick's arm. Those are 24 inch pythons!

2. Andy Roddick is never going to be a great player. Time for him to find a new line of work. My suggestion: porn. He already has an awesome porn name. Andy Rod-dick!

3. Why are there so many Russian women in the top tier of this sport? For that matter, why are there so many Korean women in the top tier of professional golf? Is there some sort of network effect going on, or is this just a random occurrence?

Go Bears!

College football fired up this weekend! The Cha is pumped about our local team, the Cal Bears. We are halfway through watching a real thumping right now. Go Bears!

Quickies - Labor Day Weekend Edition

Evil

* Hope you're all enjoying the long weekend! Last weekend of summer. Wow, where has the time gone. Don't feel bad for me that I don't have a long weekend here in China. Jagoffs!

* To make up for not having Labor Day weekend, the government is giving us an entire week off in October to celebrate National Day. China's National Day is like America's Independence Day, except that instead of celebrating freedom, it celebrates the opposite. Hah! I have a week-long trip planned for Yunnan Province for that week. Also planning to do a weekend trip to Yellow Mountain sometime before that.

* In Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, did Nick and Norah bang on the couch inside the recording studio? Or did they merely finger bang?

* The temporary roommate crawled into my bookbag and went to sleep.

Ask xTian - Breaking Up The Tension

Former Hoser DZB1 checked in with this email to me today
From: DZB1
To: xTian
Re: Spontaneous Masturbation

...So this girl im dating and I are having a robust(I dare say arguement)about her boyfriend. She says she wants me to be her main boyfiriend now that the summer has ended(along with his usefulness of having a house in the Hamptons) and the fall is approaching. I state that although Im flattered by her offer I'm content with being the number two man. This rejoiner for some reason causes her to "tense up' so in the middle of our conversation she pulls down her pants and starts masturbating herself. Although I am not one to state the obvious i had to ask, "Are you masturbating yourself?" "Yes," she says, "I'm tense and this helps me relax."

Any thoughts on this issue? I'm telling you this because I'm hoping that you of all people sum it up in that wry way you have.
--------------------------------------------------
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Well DZB1, this is certainly a pickle. In the past, when I've been presented with such a situation I have considered two options (1) look around for something to steal and quietly excused myself or (2) jump in for some angry sex.

These are the obvious things and I am sure you checked off these options as sub-optimal given the obvious depth of your relationship. Here are a few options might have failed to consider -
1. Say something like "Oh OK, let me know when you are done." and find something to read. The Atlantic has some good stuff this month
2. Watch it go down. If she at all closes her eyes ask accusingly "Who are you thinking about?" and demand that she focus on you
3. Invite a friend over. I'm usually very busy but Mr. Shoulders has nothing going on at work. He used to play basketball for two hours a day but recently broke his finger so now he can't even do that. Besides, I think Mr. Shoulders still thinks he can beat you at spades, you gotta remind him who is boss. If he does come over, stare at him while he stares at her. He hates that. I paid a stripper extra once to stare at him from across the room while she gave someone else a dance; he got so upset he tried to leave
4. Hold her and cry a little. Chop an onion if you have to, there is no better way to deal with an awkward situation than to escalate it to its illogical conclusion

My Brain Just Turned To Mush

Julia Allison gives digital dating advice on MTV's It's On with Alexa Chung! from Julia Allison on Vimeo.

Date or Die - The Complete and Utter lack of Self Loathing

As we all know, Evil hates white people. However, he LOVES making me feel bad about my supposed "impending whiteness". He is always shooting comments my way like "that's how white people act" with minimal prodding. It could be anything - I buy a neat retro train set for my godson – such an act is met with "why are you trying to make this kid white?" I have a party of some sort - "You don't seem to have many Latino friends." I go on a date with anyone - "Why do you hate your people? Is it because you hate yourself?" As you can imagine it’s all very annoying.

Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure it’s just a numbers game. If I lived in LA, all my friends would be Latinos. They might also be heroin addicts or possibly hipsters but they would more than likely be brown. Still, I digress…
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So I joined some online dating site and I decided this was a great opportunity to target Latinas. Awesome! Two dates in a week; here is a short recap

Target 1:
Someone who looked great on paper –well educated, fun pictures and agreeably spunky – in reality she was something else.

We met at a wine bar which turned out to be overly loud. She was glad to be there but as someone doing some contracting work (she was laid off a year ago) you would think she could show up with a little more enthusiasm. Her energy level was something like negative 3. I can’t deduct a full five points, because she was a good enough sport to take a short walk and we went somewhere for dinner. My food was fine but not great. She was very stuck up and more than a little self involved – the sort of thing an HBS degree and a top tier consulting experience would do to you. I was not that impressed – I like people who take themselves less seriously. Who ever met a serious, stuck up and mildly depressed brazilian? I mean really? I should have figured this would be the case when I saw what she had to say about her ethnicity and how she was from Brazil but white. That’s like code for “I think I’m better than you”. On the positive side (I guess) she had amazing gas -as in she burped a lot, weird. Overall we had a decent time though, her apartment looked awesome. As we parted ways, she mentioned she was going to India for work for a few weeks. I said ok and suspected I would never hear from her again.

Target 2:
My second date was MUCH better. Based on her match handle I guessed her first name and then we discussed where in Ecuador she was from. I sold her on watching the wire, finally we agreed to meet. My dumb ass, because I learn no lessons picked another LOUD BAR. She showed up 1 drink in, we chatted at length but the whole thing felt like the opening round of a boxing match. I had not eaten so we went to a nearby tapas bar and picked at some octopus while we goofed on the racism of Ecuadorian, nailed down whether I was first or second generation (the nature of the debate has to do with the fact that my grandparents also immigrating at the same time as my mother, oh who cares) and a rather long involved conversation about internet privacy and how “safe’ mach.com is. She’s cool, impressive even and somewhat cute. She over used the word analytical, as if to prove to me that that there was logic and reason to being lawyer (yes. I know). She also made a few comments about lawyers, as if finding an opening for goofing on lawyer. I don’t have a problem with lawyers. She’s totally lovely but was having extreme contact lens issues to the point where I asked if she was a little drunk – as in “why are you bulging your eyes at me, are you a little drunk?” I think I battled back from that low. I think we got to the in principle agreement to do something again and soon. She gave me her last name (not an automatic, given her extreme concern about privacy and safety and being googled).

This morning, ET #2 and I googled her *ss as I plotted my next move. The summer of xTian rolls on! I've been on two dates in a week! This is a testament to the progress I am making as a person. F you Evil!

US Open Notes

Big Night at the Open! xTian joins Killer B #2, Mamacita, kentak3, some dude, Mr. Shoulders, Evil Twin #2 and her BF for some fun under the stars. Lots of highlights after the jump
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Maria Sharapova does a good job stroking the NY crowd, before and after her match talking about why NY is the best stage to be on. In fact, Maria Sharapova's outfit was dedicated to the work of Frank Geary! I think she made that up because it makes no sense.

Andy Murray hates NY. He did not stroke the NY crowd at all or remind us all how awesome we are. As a result everyone in the stadium was firmly behind Ernests Gulbis in spite of his limitations.

Gulbis has amazing talent but apparently could not care less, according to McEnroe anyway. He has a big serve and can move but looks downright lazy at times. Anyone who goes out to the Open should show their American Express card and get a complimentary headset so you can hear the ESPN feeds.

Los Brother McEnroe and Brad Gilbert are covering the men’s draw. It’s a little too much Mac Attack for my liking. Patrick – please don’t call your brother Johnny Mac. Also we get it, you don’t think Gulbis works that hard. Move on, don't pile on. While we are here, I should point out that on camera Brad Gilbert is about as comfortable as a possum in a hurricane.

As I mentioned in my tweet yesterday, I am pretty sure Pam Shriver (a pseudo McEnroe) is going to kill Mary Carrillo before the fortnight is out. Mary sent Pam around the stands looking for random Estonians to talk to and possibly to get Mary a sandwhich. Play nice Mary Carrilo. No one likes you anyway.

My girlfriend Kateryna Bodarnenko upset former French Open Champ Ana Ivanovic in a showdown of mega hotties. Proof positive that the hose is your home for in depth Tennis Analysis.

More to come over the weekend.

Shout out to Killer B #1 for coordinating and then not coming...

Evil's Insecure Moment Of The Day...

... when i realize that someone has put me on "limited profile" on facebook. why would they do that to me? why wouldnt they want me to see things like their status messages and pics that they are tagged in and let me write on their walls?

Evil's Life Update

Evil

Big news! I have started to receive life coaching from fellow Hoser, Evil Twin #1. Be prepared to see a whole new Evil as I improve every aspect of my life, thanks to guidance from Evil Twin #1. Good news and other announcements to come in the following weeks and months...