Listen to your body tonight...

Inexplicably, I was stuck in Los Angeles this weekend trying to commute home. I missed a connection. It was no one's fault but my own. It was a reach to think it would work out for me anyway. I had 18 hours in LA and nothing to do.

A quick scan of my cellphone address book showed three people I knew in LA. None were around to entertain me. Finally, I called Sparks, hoping his brother-in-law was in town. Catjjy informed me he was not. I was left alone, in a nice hotel bar, exchanging glances with several other gentlemen who like me were wondering where all the women were.

I finished my drink. Outside, on the curb, I sat near some smokers hoping someone would engage me in conversation. An affable valet who asked me what i needed

"A plan?" I arched my eye brow...a cool breeze hit me...

"huh?"

I explained that I was stuck and no one I knew was around. He nodded knowingly...

"Nah, doooooood, you know what I do when I got nothing to do around here?"

"shoot somebody?" I thought to myself. Somehow I lacked the courage to say that out loud. He reminded me of Miguel...the way he uttered "dude" took 3 seconds to long, just like my old friend and he was of course Mexican

"There's a strip club up the street just past the Hilton"

I nodded and sat there for a while. I don't go to strip clubs, not anymore anyway. I outgrew that, or maybe I just stopped going because Manolo, Sparks, The Bumpasaurus, Jazzy, TMO, Evil, Balls Mahoney, KenTak3, ET #1 and 2 and Mr. Shoulders all stopped going...they were the ones with the problem, not me. No one more so than Mr. Shoulders of course...

(One second, Let me see if there is anyone left for me to throw under the bus about going to strip clubs...umm...no...we're good)

Bored with the stream of cars pulling up to the Hotel, I drifted off walking in the general direction he pointed.

It was a bit further off than he implied but I found it easily enough. The place was horrible. The front was a sex toys shop,around back, in an alley, there was a sign that said "Live Nudes". An adjoining door had a small cage surrounding it, for smokers apparently. Promising.

The patrol cars parked outside, sealed the deal for me. I would go in...

Walking in, I scanned the place as I ordered a cranberry juice. It was a typical California dive, decorated by a wannabe cowboy in 1975 then never considered again, the floors were sticky. There were red disco lights everywhere.

I took a seat amongst what looked like a small eclectic collection of bikers, airport attendants and cholos with nothing to do. I felt comfortable at first, my catholic middle school had much the same demographic. Then I remembered High School. The likelihood of my ass getting a shiv for being mouthy was growing by the second.

The announcer mentions that it is 2 for 1 time...and a row of women poured out of the back room. I was surprised; these were the prettiest strippers on earth. It's LA, I guess that's how it works when the top 5% of America's beauties move here every year. Not everyone gets to be Vicky Christina Barcelona

Eventually, a Hawaiian stripper approached me. After half a joke that was not at all funny, she walked me to some back closet with a couch.

"It's thirty, but for an extra twenty you can touch anything but [down there]"

"wow" I was glancing around...this is where the cops bust in, I just know it.

"yeah…for 30 bucks more than that…"

"that's fine, I'll take a number 2" I interrupted her mid sentence...I mean who knew what she would say next…and what I would then be implicated in...

Back at the stage, I sat down and started texting…a dancer asked me to stop as it was rude for whoever was performing.

"That's fair"

I turned my eyes back to the show. A large brother (let's say he weighed 4 bills) looked my way

"Damn, this place is off the hook"

I wondered why he was talking to me. I mean that girl there is showing him the goods and he's looking to me for affirmation. What could I, a total stranger, do for him? Where is the woman in leopard print telling him that talking to some dude you don't know is just as bad as texting. Where are the manners? Society is doomed.

Soon another stripper, (who looked disturbingly like the Ecuadorian girl from Cheetah Girls on the Disney Channel) informed me that her booth was way in the back and very private.

I said no, and went to get another cranberry juice. I have been very worried about toxins lately.

After working every other deadbeat in the room she came back and sat near me. I bought her a cranberry juice. We discussed natural antioxidants at some length - that and the nature of beautician school. It was here that I learned that the extra thirty led to "hand work"...

This place might have been something less innocent then it first seemed. At this point I decided to clear out before Vice busted in...

Back in the parking lot of my hotel, I ran into the valet. He offered me some green and a seat in a Porsche that was parked there for the night.

Not sure what else to do, I followed him. He dropped the top and we sat there scoping out the stars. I asked him if we were going to take the car out for a spin.

"nah homes, i don't do that no more"

smart dude