Potatoe

I have posting privileges, so my thoughts need not be relegated to the comments section.

1. Last night Barak Obama gave perhaps the best political speech I’ve ever heard. The news media is nuts not to pay more attention to it. I think this will get more credit in hindsight.

2. As a media spectacle, this was an enormous success. Apparently, in addition to the 80k in the stadium, 38 million people tuned in to watch. That’s more than the any given day of the Olympics (including opening ceremonies), more than the last American Idol finale. Rove must be off sweating somewhere. McCain can’t be looking forward to the debates.

3. The attack aspect was a nice nod to the Dem’s 2004 convention. Kerry did everything he could to seem positive and enthusiastic ("reporting for duty!"). He took the high road, and did not attack. A week later at the GOP convention, the Repuplicans tore him a new one. Good job being preemptive this time.

4. McCain’s VP decision seems positively Quayle-esque. It’s such a ham-handed gesture to disgruntled Hillary supporters (which I think is more of a media sensation than an actual block of voters). Meanwhile he’s got someone who won’t add one lick to his administration, doesn’t shore up a single weak spot in his candidacy, and effectively gives away the experience line of attack on Sen. Obama. Where are all the qualified Republican women? Is Condi not returning his calls? PS – Gov. Palin’s husband looks like a total d-bag, even for a professional snowmobiler, whatever that is.

5. I’m also not looking forward to the GOP convention. I think it is going to be a real downer. All of the speakers will come out swaggering and attacking – swinging wildly and hoping something hits. It will all be a bit pathetic. I think if you drink every time you hear the word “surge,” you’ll be dead by day 2.

My friends.....

I really enjoyed watching the Democrats this week. Not because I'm a Democrat necessarily (I'm registered Independent), but because it just seemed like fun, and the news anchors were such a mess (well documented on The Hose), and Ben Affleck won his poker tournament in Denver. All in all a good week.

Unfortunately I'm not really looking forward to the Republican convention as much. Not because I particularly dislike them (they've got Arnold Schwarzenegger after all!) or McCain in particular, but just because. It's been that "just because" that I've had a hard time figuring out the past couple of months, but I realized what it is today. KillerB2 and I have talked about it before, but just today I realized how much it drives me nuts - McCains use of "My friends" to start his sentences. I hate it. I hate the delivery. I hate the linguistic crutch.

If Condescension and Insincerity met at a bar one night, got drunk, and had unprotected sex, their lovechild would come out as an audio recording of John McCain saying "my friends."

I can't be the only one who feels this way?

Mid-Day Update

Evil
I might have mentioned before that I have a TV in my office. I've been watching the cable news networks all day today. It's surprising how much coverage the McCain VP pick is getting on TV. McCain/Palin stepping all over the Obama speech from last night. I wouldn't have expected it to break this way. Brilliant move by the McCain camp.


On a semi-related note, if you watch CNN, you might have seen Amy Holmes. I am a big fan! She's not only hot, but smart and well-spoken too.

Notes from the Speech

I like his tie. Its somewhere between purple and pink. Not a conservative red. He's young, he plays it to his advantage. Awesome...

He comes out and claps for what at first looks like his video. It takes me second to realize that in fact is for the audience i think...75,000 people...screaming...cheering

Everyone has made it a point to draw parallels, he is like Lincoln another junior senator from Illinois who rose to be President. He is like JFK, who a great orator, accepted his outdoors, the first celebrity/politician. He is like FDR in his progressiveness. I don't know, I never saw them. But gosh he's something different than we've had in the last 8 years isn't he?

He starts off thanking everyone who came up and spoke, the Clintons, Ted Kennedy, Durbin; the post-primary Democrats, one big tent again in the crisp Colorado night.

He talks about the plight of the common person, some idiot randomly cheers at the wrong the moment and is shouted down by the silence. Then he takes out the hammer and goes after Bush. He reminds us we are a better country than we feel now. He invokes images poor home owners, homeless veterans, New Orleans and says "Enough"

People are moved. He can do no wrong. The guy even invokes Dick Van Patten and that works, the audience cheering "Eight is Enough"

Now the hammer is on McCain, his voting record implying some similarity to the Bush Administration. He's not letting up...he goes back to the "Nation of Whiners" gaff. More imagery...more struggles.

This is tricky for him. He's the optimist a beacon of hope. Him attacking McCain's economic credentials, he simplifies the Laffer curve down to its dim witted truth for those of us who did not take Macro...

He's doing it though...He's reminding us why he's here. How he can move a crowd. Earlier, Dbag Olbermann got into an argument with Brokaw (the nerve of dbag) about whether delivering a speech on so grand a stage would benefit Barack or be a dis-service.

He owns it though. His stage, his house, his world. He's talking about the promise of America. He gets specific...this is the "I will" and the "I propose" and the "I'll eliminate..." and the "I am the motherf*cking man" of it all...This is apparently, in word count, 1/4 of his speech, a rhythmic enumeration of his platform and policies. His jabs end in periods and His policies end in exclamation points. It all draws raucous applause. Before this started, the talking heads debated whether his stage was a bit too regal. In this boxer's crouch, he flips this on its head. Its now a gladiator's arena.

Though he takes his jabs, they are measured, used to create space, draw contrast. His emphasis is still on his theme, the promise of America and the unity that promise creates.

He invokes Roosevelt and Kennedy directing, in a big statement of the night, taking of the mantle of Democratic Presidents who defended this country. I would say people are back on their feet but they have not sat down for a while.

Around the 30 minute mark, we hit a small lull, hitting the old Democratic party line...guns, abortion yadda yadda...I want to hear the energy point again...

He talks about how they will make this big election about small things...how it will get petty...

He is back on the promise, he is now invoking MLK on the Mall in Washington. Hot chicks throughout the audience at Invesco Park break down in tears.

It must be cool to be Barack.

He ends with some scripture, reminding us all to hold firm to hope.

Brooks & Dunn "Only in America" strikes up. On odd choice, I guess "How High" by Method Man and Redman would not be a appropriate. Al Gore had "Acquarius/Let the Sunshine in" by the Fifth Dimension earlier this evening. Does Al Gore have more soul than Barack?

I was won over from the start. Home run...I'll post more if the d**chebag pisses me off again

The Barack Warm Up Video

Apparently, Barack only met his father once, for a month, when he was ten. Who knew?

They just cut to a photo of Barack in a down jacket similar to one I owned.

I find Michelle sorta hot...maybe its just me

It really bugs me that Barack is a smoker...maybe its just me

ok, i give up this video crap is dull...ace of cakes is on...back when the speech starts

From the couch

The guys on MSNBC and FoxNews have been reading Obama's pre-released speech in a hot sweat. Matthews and D-Bag are tripping over themselves calling him an alpha male and counting how many time he says "I will" and "I promise" etc.

Pat Buchanan is finally getting the skewering of John McCain he has been waiting all week for. While complimenting Obama's speech, he was quick to, more than once, highlight how Al Gore, son of Mother Gaia, rushed through his speech and to miss entirely that there were 75,000 people to play off of

Senator Durbin is on now to introduce Barack. A "Yes we can" chant just broke out.

Somebody hold me

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil

Poor Bill Clinton. So under-appreciated. Passed over for the shiny new thing that is Barack Obama. Is that why you're sulking, Bill? We all feel like that from time to time. Feel better soon!

More Gloating

Evil
Yesterday was not such a good day in terms of my weight loss competition vs Steph because I sort of fell off the wagon a bit. This is what I had for dinner: 16 spring rolls, a fistful of pretzels, two white peaches, and a bowl of grapes.

I was stuff even as I headed off to bed at 12:45am. But as I was lying in bed, I suddenly had the urge to eat a bit more. So I hopped out of bed and polished off three pork chops. They were delish!

Even though it wasn't a good day on that front, I have something else to gloat about today... In my Scrabble competition vs Team Steph, I am crushing all of them!

Recently competed games:

* Evil vs Andrea (Evil wins, 376 to 281)
* Evil vs Steph (Evil wins, 325 to 262)

Almost completed game:

* Evil vs Nora (Evil leading, 310 to 169)

Nora as resorted to calling me a cheater!

More Judgement/Noticing via googletalk

(after reading the comment to my recent post of a video from AMC's Madmen)

xTian: Thats from Madmen on AMC, its not that racy

Killer B: F*ng*rb*ng*ng is always racy

xTian: I was shocked this was on AMC. I think its racy because it bordered on assault

Killer B: I'm shocked at your use of the word bordered

More Olbermann

What's going on with this dude

Date or Die: You gotta have faith, faith, faith

I went on a date on Monday. I met her at Delancy Bar. We had a long and winding conversation as we knocked back several jack and diet cokes.

I learned that her mother died and it affected her sister deeply
She is bad at dating but was having fun
I learned that there are three assistant directors on movies, First assistant, second assistant and second second assistant. They all have completely different jobs and no one is referred to as third assistant

I won't lie. I stared at her rack a lot. It was huge, and distracting. So distracting that I thought to myself I would find them distracting if I were to sleep with her. I then, in my head compared big boobs to popcorn. You order it hoping to fill yourself up but in the end you are left unsatisfied and with dirty hands. I liked that analogy. I am probably very alone in this.

Overall, we were having a good conversation. She admitted she had never spoken to anyone so freely and then asked me what my last name was so she could have some deeper sense of who she was speaking to I suppose.

I was having fun too. I won't lie, I thought she was something slightly less than pretty but there was a charm to her that grew on me as time went on.

She randomly blurted out that she grew up reading comic books but now only sneaks reads while window shopping in comic book shops. I had this vague notion that I had stumbled onto a kindred spirit. I wondered, cautiously, where this was all going.

We walked to a vegan restaurant to eat. We were still having fun. Munching on a black bean empanada, she asked me about my faith.

"I'm catholic" as if that were a necessary and sufficient answer. She pressed me a bit further.

I admitted that I had never been asked about my faith, by anyone so I did not have a well structured answer. I also admitted that I went to catholic school from K-8th grade. I pointed out that I am thoroughly Catholic in two very important ways (1) I derive the bulk of my morality from Catholicism (2) I feel guilt about most everything. I left out the third but most catholic thing about me - I let my guilt build to the point where I will actually go to Church for an extended period of weeks just to feel better about myself and alleviate my bone crushing guilt. I mentioned that Catholicism is neat because there is a scholarly element to it. I mentioned that if I were not Catholic I would be Baptist and attend a Black Church because that's really fun and uplifting. I goofed on Mormons, because...well...you know... I railed against people like Joel Orsteen, and how uninformed they are...and how his wife is out of control.

I stumbled a bit here and asked her if she was born again.

She nodded, slowly.

I mumbled the word "landminds" under my breathe and shifted gears by asking her to compose her favorite playlist ever right then and there...smooth.

The rest of our conversation was pleasant...but that was that...

Ever the gentleman, I walked her to her building.

"I very much enjoyed this. I'm really disappointed right now. You just aren't spiritual enough for me"

As I walked away, I was somewhere between infuriated and amused. Judging my spirituality is preposterous.


Check out this scene from the best show on TV, Madmen

Chris Matthews drunk?

Listen to your body tonight...

Inexplicably, I was stuck in Los Angeles this weekend trying to commute home. I missed a connection. It was no one's fault but my own. It was a reach to think it would work out for me anyway. I had 18 hours in LA and nothing to do.

A quick scan of my cellphone address book showed three people I knew in LA. None were around to entertain me. Finally, I called Sparks, hoping his brother-in-law was in town. Catjjy informed me he was not. I was left alone, in a nice hotel bar, exchanging glances with several other gentlemen who like me were wondering where all the women were.

I finished my drink. Outside, on the curb, I sat near some smokers hoping someone would engage me in conversation. An affable valet who asked me what i needed

"A plan?" I arched my eye brow...a cool breeze hit me...

"huh?"

I explained that I was stuck and no one I knew was around. He nodded knowingly...

"Nah, doooooood, you know what I do when I got nothing to do around here?"

"shoot somebody?" I thought to myself. Somehow I lacked the courage to say that out loud. He reminded me of Miguel...the way he uttered "dude" took 3 seconds to long, just like my old friend and he was of course Mexican

"There's a strip club up the street just past the Hilton"

I nodded and sat there for a while. I don't go to strip clubs, not anymore anyway. I outgrew that, or maybe I just stopped going because Manolo, Sparks, The Bumpasaurus, Jazzy, TMO, Evil, Balls Mahoney, KenTak3, ET #1 and 2 and Mr. Shoulders all stopped going...they were the ones with the problem, not me. No one more so than Mr. Shoulders of course...

(One second, Let me see if there is anyone left for me to throw under the bus about going to strip clubs...umm...no...we're good)

Bored with the stream of cars pulling up to the Hotel, I drifted off walking in the general direction he pointed.

It was a bit further off than he implied but I found it easily enough. The place was horrible. The front was a sex toys shop,around back, in an alley, there was a sign that said "Live Nudes". An adjoining door had a small cage surrounding it, for smokers apparently. Promising.

The patrol cars parked outside, sealed the deal for me. I would go in...

Walking in, I scanned the place as I ordered a cranberry juice. It was a typical California dive, decorated by a wannabe cowboy in 1975 then never considered again, the floors were sticky. There were red disco lights everywhere.

I took a seat amongst what looked like a small eclectic collection of bikers, airport attendants and cholos with nothing to do. I felt comfortable at first, my catholic middle school had much the same demographic. Then I remembered High School. The likelihood of my ass getting a shiv for being mouthy was growing by the second.

The announcer mentions that it is 2 for 1 time...and a row of women poured out of the back room. I was surprised; these were the prettiest strippers on earth. It's LA, I guess that's how it works when the top 5% of America's beauties move here every year. Not everyone gets to be Vicky Christina Barcelona

Eventually, a Hawaiian stripper approached me. After half a joke that was not at all funny, she walked me to some back closet with a couch.

"It's thirty, but for an extra twenty you can touch anything but [down there]"

"wow" I was glancing around...this is where the cops bust in, I just know it.

"yeah…for 30 bucks more than that…"

"that's fine, I'll take a number 2" I interrupted her mid sentence...I mean who knew what she would say next…and what I would then be implicated in...

Back at the stage, I sat down and started texting…a dancer asked me to stop as it was rude for whoever was performing.

"That's fair"

I turned my eyes back to the show. A large brother (let's say he weighed 4 bills) looked my way

"Damn, this place is off the hook"

I wondered why he was talking to me. I mean that girl there is showing him the goods and he's looking to me for affirmation. What could I, a total stranger, do for him? Where is the woman in leopard print telling him that talking to some dude you don't know is just as bad as texting. Where are the manners? Society is doomed.

Soon another stripper, (who looked disturbingly like the Ecuadorian girl from Cheetah Girls on the Disney Channel) informed me that her booth was way in the back and very private.

I said no, and went to get another cranberry juice. I have been very worried about toxins lately.

After working every other deadbeat in the room she came back and sat near me. I bought her a cranberry juice. We discussed natural antioxidants at some length - that and the nature of beautician school. It was here that I learned that the extra thirty led to "hand work"...

This place might have been something less innocent then it first seemed. At this point I decided to clear out before Vice busted in...

Back in the parking lot of my hotel, I ran into the valet. He offered me some green and a seat in a Porsche that was parked there for the night.

Not sure what else to do, I followed him. He dropped the top and we sat there scoping out the stars. I asked him if we were going to take the car out for a spin.

"nah homes, i don't do that no more"

smart dude

Melons

Cocktail Hour

It was not uncommon this time of year where I grew up for a hillbilly to cut a 1-inch diameter hole in a watermelon, drain a bottle of Everclear into it, let the fruit run the booze through its webby veins overnight, then serve slices of the tanked-up melon to children. This practice explains a lot about Arkansas’ teen pregnancy rate and love of watermelon.

That memory struck me this week as I stole pieces of a beautiful dark orange juicy cantaloupe from the Cha. I put him to bed that night and began tinkering on a cocktail that would celebrate that delicious melon flavor without resorting to disgusting melon-flavored liqueurs. Four nights of R&D later, the result was the Cantaloupe Martini, pictured above. Dump one handful of cubed, ripe cantaloupe into your shaker. Pour one half tablespoon granulated sugar over it. Muddle like crazy. Pour three to four jiggers vodka. Stir like crazy. Add a handful of ice cubes. Shake like crazy. Strain into your martini glass. Go crazy.

That will give you a martini-strength drink. Catjjy prefers a sweeter mix and so for her I substitute the fourth jigger of vodka for a jigger of triple sec. If you are looking to tone it down a bit more, use two jiggers of vodka, one jigger of triple sec, and serve over ice with a third again as much club soda.

Calling All DJs

Killer B2 and I went to a wedding this weekend in Nashville. The reception was in a bar (great) and the band was an 80s covers group (greater) that had 4 different lead singers that would rotate based on what song they were covering to make sure they had the right voice (greatest).

Now, we're certainly doing a different type of reception, but one thing we can't hide from is the fact that we need to give our DJ some guidance. So far, I've just told him no one will be going "a little bit lower now, a little bit lower now, a little bit lower now", nor will anyone be spelling acronyms with their arms. What we concluded on Saturday, however, is that the 80s, for better or worse, in good times and bad, is the sweetspot for a wedding.

So the challenge to Hosers everywhere is to help us put our playlist together. Between the tens of Hose readers we must have hundreds of wedding experiences to pull from. Don't feel limited by the 80's, but use the vibe from that era as a signpost. All suggestions are welcome, though some criteria to consider would be:

1 - Will almost everyone know this song?

2 - Is it less than 5 minutes long?

3 - Is it danceable?

4 - Would it keep you from heading to the bar for another 5 minutes?

That last point isn't intended to keep people from enjoying the bar. I merely mean that in my experience, I'm often on the dancefloor at weddings thinking I could use another drink. When a crappy song comes on I make my move to the bar - but if a great song comes on, I want to stick it out.

Bonus points to anyone who takes the time to think of 4-5 song sets that should be played together for optimum performance.

Nastia Liukin's Ass

Evil
I'm not gonna kid ya, we're search engine whores here at The Hose. According to our Google Analytics logs, one of our all time most popular posts is the one of "Michelle Kwan's Ass" from March 2005 (I took the photo at the 2005 World Figure Skating Championshops in Moscow). We would be remiss not to capitalize on the popularity of the 2008 Olympics. So there. I have to do this. For your enjoyment (and our search engine popularity), I'm posting a pic of Nastia Liukin's ass. And for good measure, one of Nastia Liukin's crotch.

End Game

Evil

Steph is coming to New York City the weekend of Sept 6-7. That's two weekends from now and I'm 5.0 pounds away from winning our contest! I'm gonna try like gangbusters to lose the 5.0 pounds in time for Steph's visit. That would be awesome. And she can also be here to witness an official weigh-in. Although... my official weigh-in takes place first thing in the morning and I'm also naked when I do it. *blush*

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil


I appreciate it when people are honest in expressing themselves. The kicking guy in this pic (left) is a member of the Cuban Taekwondo team. After getting disqualified for taking too much injury time, he went and kicked the referee in the head! How awesome is that. Not that I would ever do such a thing. But only because I'd never be able to kick that high.

Eating Myself Into A Hole

Evil



This is typical of my Beijing trip. Eating like a monster. One day the AY and I went to have some Gui Zhou food. One of the specialities of the region is fried pork ribs, so we HAD to get it. But the AY is a vegetarian, so this dish was all me. I polished it off in under 15 minutes (in addition to having 4 other dishes too). WOOO!

Last day in beijing

Less than a day left here. Gonna fly back first thing tomorrow morning. Went to watch the US trounce Cuba in women's volleyball this morning. Now going to a bath house to soak, steam, and get massaged. Will be about 4 hours total. Hah! Then dinner. Ah, I'll miss this good life once its gone.

How is xtian doing in mexico city? He's been so silent. Must be up to no good.

Its a hard life

The AY needed to go back to The Forbidden City today to take some more pics. Because I accidentally deleted the pics from our first trip there, so she's recreating them now.

To keep me occupied, she sent me off in a cab and told the cab driver to take me to the massage place for another 1.5 hour foot massage administered by two women. Her instructions to me were: "the cab driver will drop you off at the nike store on the corner. Just walk down the street. Don't go into the first place that looks like a brothel because that's not it. Go into the SECOND place that looks like a brothel."

About to go in now. Ah, life is hard.

Putting up a facade - and liking it!

Xtian and I have contemplating doing a full-day outing where we bring multiple changes of chothes and take pics ourselves doing fun summer things so we can post to facebook as a "summer 2008" album.

Anyone want to join us? We will take xtian's car and my camera. You can join us for all or part of our outing.

One particular thing I want to do with my set of photos is have the appearance of being sporty. So I intend to include in my photos:

- pic of me running in central park

- pic of me playing tennis at the 94th street tennis courts

- pic of me in midair, doing a full layout for a frisbee. (Anyone have a frisbee I can borrow?)

Other pics to round up my summer 2008 album will include:

- hanging out at the beach

- hanging out at a rooftop bbq or rooftop drinks

- hanging out at a restaurant with an outdoor dining area

That's all doable in a day, right? Any other suggestions on what pics to include so that my facebook friends will think of me as cool, and sporty, and someone who had a fun summer? Yes, I realize that this is all a facade, but perceptions are sometimes more important than reality.

Update

I heard from a friend of mine who happens to also be one of killerb's clients. The friend said he ran into killerb and saw killerb in his underwear. Hah! How embarrasking. Poor friend... He had to see killerb's undies and goofy looking legs. Damn barney's warehouse sale! Please put in some changing areas so customers are not subjected to such trauma!

Stuck in an internet funk

Sitting here at home tonight, I was browsing around on the internet while watching the evening news on DVR. I quickly got bored, however, so I read some of the Economist (I suggest skipping straight to the feature obit this week), and then I got bored again, so I browsed online some more. Soon I was bored again, so I did some sit-ups (bought my ambitiously sized wedding suit yesterday), and then was bored again - so I came back to my computer - and realized I've completely forgot how to have fun/adventure/curiosity surfing the net. I have a total of about 6 sites that I seem to check again and again throughout the day - and when I don't find anything new - I get bored. There was a time when the internet was limitless - when I could never get bored. Where did that internet go? How do I find it? Does anyone else feel trapped or am I the only one mired in a mindless recursive program of the same damn sites (drudge, gothamist, curbed, eater, fark, perez, The Hose - repeat). Does anyone have any great jumping off sites to recommend? Does this make me boring?

Maybe KillerB2 and I should just have a baby. That would presumably solve my free time problems, but might not be the best reason to start a family.

(according to the internet, this is an image of the internet - presumably the part of the internet I don't know how to find)

Hanging around

At one of the malls right now. Lots of athletes floating abouts. They just look like superhumans. The european chick athletes are so hot.

I went to the Great Wall earlier today. A posse from the USA Basketball team was there (they were wearing their warmup suits and also the Olympic credentials around their neck). I thought I saw duane wade, but after a closer look, I don't think it was him. The AY has a pic on her camera so lemme try to get a copy to post here so you hosers can weigh in. Since I don't really know what duane wade looks like anyway.

So many people on facebook have been posting michael phelps-related status messages. All these chicks find him sooooo hot. I guess winning 8 gold medals does a lot to cover up a person's wacked out looking face. Now that he's done with his races, he's probably getting an unlimited amount of ass. Must be great to be michael phelps.

On another competitive front, Team Evil is sort of falling apart. Been eating like monster while here and not working out at all. Team Steph is likely gaining on me. But I have confidence that I'll make up any losses once back in the States.

New answer to old question

Two weeks ago, in an elevator (again), someone turned to me and asked

"Are you that guy from that movie?"

I hate this question and inevitably expected a reference to Doctor Octopus or Spider-Man 3.

Inspired by an article on a forthcoming Woody Allen Movie, I took charge of this story and altered it:

"Yes the dude with the bowl cut and the air gun. People say that to me all the time. I take it as a compliment"

Of course, I was making reference to Javier Bardem in No Country For Old Men who is a much better looking guy than Alfred Molina and gets to do some three way action with Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson in Vicki Christina Barcelona

Anyway, that's my new story, I'm sticking to it....

(Sniff) (Sniff) at the 3:02 mark

Few of you may know that Evil and I patterned our schtick after Mike and the Mad Dog the drive time hosts of a sports talk radio program on WFAN in NY. You should watch us in a bar, it's exactly like that, we laugh at our own jokes but not each other's. We are constantly trying to one up each other. It's all very sad and desperate.

Anyway they broke up and there was a huge media uproar. The final show on Friday included people crying (see above video at th 3:02 minute mark) and calls from the Governors of NY and NJ...

Links:
NY Times Coverage of the Break up
Newsday coverage of the break up

ESPN's The Sports Guy keeps a running log while watching Mike and the Mad Dog on the YES Network (2006)
New Yorker Profile on Mike and The Mad Dog (2004)

Stunning realization

The AY says that I have disdain for fat people. Is that true? It can't be, right?!

Pelican Eats Pigeon

This video represents the struggle between me and my inner voice.

Bad blood

Evil


Asian rivalries breaking out and long-lived ill-will surfacing at the badminton competition. China, Japan, and Korea duking it out for the gold. The koreans in the crowd are stoic and quiet. The japanese are suprisingly rambunctuous. The largely chinese crowd is booing everytime the japanese fans cheer. It's getting ugly.

The Coup Begins

In light of recent controversies over the age of certain Olympic athletes, I would like to ensure the contributors of The Hose comply with the minimum age requirement of 10. The writing quality of writing of X-tian and Evil leads me to believe that we are in violation of this rule. Please submit your evidence as soon as possible.

It's All About The People, Man

Evil

I'm blogging via blackberry while having my feet massaged by two moon-faced Chinese maidens. Yes, two. One for each foot.

I was napping at 9pm this evening when the AY woke me to suggest that I shouldn't nap any longer or else I won't be able to sleep through the night. The sky had cleared up significantly after an afternoon downpour, so we decided to head outside to do something... Anything.

The AY brought me to this massage place that I swear was designed to look like brothel-gone-legit. In the décor were hints of past glory – it’s easy to envision local bureaucrats and foreign dignitaries alike getting hand jobs at a place like this… back in the old days. Ah, the old days.

This massage place is huge. We walk in and are immediately greeted by a hostess. There are at least six more staff at the entryway and they each bow as we walk by. The AY says they are trained to bow and that they MUST bow. The hostess leads us down four flights of stairs. The place is well-lit. On each floor are hallways and hallways lined with massage rooms. We walk by dozens of staff. Some are wiping down the walls, while others are just standing at attention in the hallway. Everyone bows when we pass.

The AY gets a 100-minute full body massage administered by a man with scruffy facial hair, but not really what I would consider a beard. Sort of like peach fuzz gone awry. The man is wearing a lab coat. The AY says that the lab coat was implemented only recently, to indicate that the person has undergone a certain level of massage training. She orders me a 100-minute foot massage administered by two young women. The fact that they’re both moon-faced is no coincidence, the AY says; when paired in a team, girls with equivalent looks are selected to work together and then trained for six months so that their hands are synchronized and the pressure they apply is equal.

China is pretty amazing in that there is so much people-power that the country can put to work. Like at this huge massage establishment. (BTW- for the 100-minute full body massage and the 100-minute foot massage by two women, the total cost was $75 US dollars.) Or like the Sichuan restaurant where we had a late lunch – we were the only diners who strolled in at 4:30pm to eat, but we counted 18 staff in the place. Or like at the apartment building where we’re staying – even the elevator has a person working inside of it! She just sits in there the entire day and presses the button for you. She has a small padded chair, a tiny little table, and a wireline phone right inside the elevator. It’s weird.

Message from Evil

Just got this note from Evil – thought I would share. So much for “live blogging” I guess.

“The AY and I went to the men’s gymnastics today. It was amazing. I’ve never seen muscles like that in real life. I was really impressed (and jealous). It’s given me even more motivation to crush team Steph – but no my plan is to put on muscle, which I think is heavier than fat. Not fair!!!”

All the talk about smog and bad air is a lie! My transition lenses are the most valuable thing I packed. I might get another pair while I’m here. A lot of people here also wear them, so I fit right in!

Off to bed now.”

This is important

First observations

Have only in beijing for a couple of hours. At the AY's family's apartment here in the city. They must have good money since it's a nice 3 bedroon on the top floor of the building.

Anyway, just coming through the airport, I was really impressed by how organized things were. The place was almost overflowing with volunteers (or hired staff? I couldn't tell) trained in english to help people get through customs, to taxis, etc. The roads were also pretty open. The AY told me that they ban half of all traffic during the games (license plates ending in even digits can drive on even dates, odd digits can drive on odd dates). Ok, going to see men's gymnastics individual finals in the morning, so off to bed now.

Hope the mamacita has not started a coup!!!

Scary thought

Uh oh, just realized something. While xtian and I are both out of the country... Does that mean that (gulp!) Mamacita is in charge of the hose?!?

Need competition

I am gloating. Yes, I am. The competition versus team steph could not be going any better. I am only putting in 60% effort.

The other night, I was out with some friends and my eating went something like this:

- meet at a wine bar. Have one glass of white wine. Munch on some tapas. Get happy and split a bottle of champagne among 4 people.

- then head out to citrus. Eat various sushi rolls. Munch on chips with salsa and guac. Down two frozen margaritas.

- then head out to cafe lalo. Down one of their ice cream shakes with booze. Scarf down a slice of cheesecake.

- the next day: too tired to work out.

Hah!

Although the one thing I've been doing well is working out more. Doubled me running mileage. Yesterday I even did a two-a-day! Three mile run in the park in the morning. Then a two mile run in the gym followed by some weights and closing out with the steam room.

Meanwhile, team steph is depressed. Poor team steph. Should we call off the competition? You can start your date or die series straight away!

Radio Silence

Things are getting out of control in China. Now that I have linked to this article, I am pretty sure Evil won't be able to report back from Beijing.

International product roadmap

Xtian just got back from shanghai. Great writeup of the market, which unfortunately we can't share publicly. He's right back out to mexico city to scope out that important developing market.

As for me, I'm off to beijing. Looking to bring the hose to more of the world. Promising monetization opprtunities. Luckily, we have a world class team on board, with killerb as our brand manager, parks as our finance, m&a, and strategy guy, and le trois as our stuffed suit.

It's 10:30am and I'm getting drunk at the airport lounge. Ahhhh, that's the life.

Top secret meeting

Catching up with xtian, le trois, and killerb tonight at a very manly location. Need to hash out our strategy. Our strategy for what, you ask. You'll know soon enough, dear readers, you'll know soon enough.

Somewhat Surprised By This

Evil

R and I have never talked on the phone. All of our communications have been via texting, IM on Gmail, IM on Facebook, and Superpoke on Facebook. I don't particularly like to talk on the phone and seems like she is OK without it as well.

On Facebook, R has a wacky online persona. She's very active with the status message updates. It's usually something about drinking a bowl of vodka or wanting to punch someone or participating in a pie eating contest. And in real life, she's also wacky. She likes to make faces. She likes to make fun of people. She'll do this thing where she hugs me and then as I hug back, she'll make herself limp and squirm to the floor. That little trick amuses her to no end.

Although I've been finding out that R is surprisingly... not sure what is the right word. I want to say "withdrawn," but that's not it. I want to say "sensitive," but that's not it either. She's got a serious side to her that I hadn't expected.

She's been a little sad lately because her dog just had surgery. The dog is 13 years old, so it's been with her through her formative years. The dog lives at home (New Jersey) with her parents. She's going home to take the dog for the weekend, since her mom will be away in Japan and her dad is not good at looking after the dog. She also said she'd stay with her dad for a bit and cook him various things to eat just to make sure he's doing ok while her mom is away. That's some serious stuff. Sweet.

Test from blackberry

Since I might not have blogging access while in china (will the communist government filter thehose!?) I figured I better be prepared with blackberry blogging access. This is a test.

Outdated Movie Review: Stardust

Last summer, on an idle Sunday I invited Le Troisieme to watch a movie. He objected to watching Stardust with me because watching the "most romantic movie of the summer" (according to NY Times) with xTian was just going too far.

Instead he went by himself. Further, I never got around to watching it, even though it had everything I would like. It was based on a short story by Neil Gaiman. The film had just the sort of Princess Bride sensibility to it that I knew I would really enjoy.

Well, I just watched it. It was awesome and Trois was right, it would have been really gay for us to watch it together.

I would say Claire Danes was radiant in a strange way as the star fallen from the sky. Robert De Niro as the Lightening pirate, Captain Shakespeare amused me.

Add it to your Netflix queue. You will enjoy it...

Thanks

Greatest Sporting Event on Earth

It's once again that time when the greatest amateur athletes on earth gather to determine who truly is the best in the world. Thank goodness for the Little League World Series.

At the moment I'm watching NY and PA battle for the right to represent US East when the series starts on Aug 14. The championship game is on August 25th and I can say I'll be tuning in for sure. Watching kids play sports is way, way better than watching kids spell, and people seem to like that plenty. As I recall, however, spelling was for nerds and sports were for cool kids, so obviously I'm into sports. Evil seems to spell pretty well though. I wonder if he can turn a double play?

:-)

As you all know, the Hose does not endorse politicians of any sort. As a rule we find public service a bit distasteful. Still this made me laugh.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Best Feature / Greatest Flaw

Evil

Thanks to everyone who responded to the Best Feature / Greatest Flaw poll. Results below (best feature in blue and greatest flaw in red).

ubiquity / Truthfulness

Knows how to use unpopular Google products / Totally self-absorbed

laughing it off / being mean and critical of others :-)

infinitely caring / passive aggressive!

Inventing ways to distract me from work! / Your love of text messaging

Friendship with Nora and Bruno / Not marrying ST

You're the happiest guy I know. / Your taste in music resembles that of a 14 year old girl.

Brilliance / Not calling for fun :(

Your throbbing biceps / Your not being in SF

your smile / unwillingness to share your Guitar Hero skills with less fortunate

Fun and Interesting / Need some help with the ladies :)

smiles and laughs a lot / using texts and IMs as major form of communication

good looks / too many girls want you

ardent (but failed) attempts at humor / bad taste in friends

you're a great friend - great smile / NA

Intellect / High opinion of oneself

WTF? / WFT?

wise-ass sense of humor / masked insecurity

wit / flat back of head

How prostitution works in Shanghai

"Ok, let's play a game"

"Ummm... like Beirut or Flip Cup?" Clearly I was confused. The fellow I was with had been in Shanghai for 4 months, and was here on an expat assignment. He was clearly amused by whatever trick he was about to show me.

"No, no...Look over at the bar. What do you see?"

I looked past the loud Australians, just past some confused Americans on holiday and to the left of the Shanghainese fashionista couples to look at the bar. A row of well heeled, classy women sat at the bar, scanning the room.

"Several bored women"

"they aren't bored. They are waiting."

"For?"

"Some are part of the house, they work here and come sit next to you so you can buy them drinks and what not, thus running up your tab. Others, do not work work for the place. They work for themselves. They offer you a massage back at your hotel and then, after a little haggling, its good to go"

My host was enjoying himself too much. I pointed out that I could not tell which was which and besides i was fine drinking a low ball. This was a really nice bar, very upscale. I was surprised this went down here. Oh well...when in Rome

"you're a putz"

Whatup!

Evil


How come no one is posting? Is everyone too busy? Or do people just not have anything to say? XTIAN just came back from a week in Shanghai. Are we to believe that there isnt a single hooker story that he wants to share?

Well, since no one has anything to say (including me), I'll just post a random photo. The pic above is R, taken at a frozen yogurt shop in our neighborhood. They had all these random nickknacks on the wall and she was being silly, playing with them, so I snapped a pic.