Literally Off the Virtual Charts

Message to Manolo - I blog like I Wii. Time to step your game up.

It's Who I Am

Evil

I notice subtleties now that I never would have when I was a younger guy. In fact, some things I can’t not notice, even if I tried. The size of a person’s pupils, for example. During the morning commute, when we’re shoved against each other on the subway while trying our best to remain anonymous, I steal glances at people’s faces and always take note of their pupils. People with large or just dilated pupils are generally seen as more attractive – scientific studies have shown this.

When I meet a girl, whether at work, at a bar, or on a proper date, I immediately gauge the size of their pupils as a benchmark. I do this without hardly a thought – it’s more like a reflex. On a date, such an observation matters. If you place your hand on the small of a girl’s back and her pupils dilate, it means something. If you move in close to a girl, so close that you’re practically breathing each other’s air, and her pupils dilate, she’s telling you something – just without words.

What a girl does with her hands is also telling. What she does with her feet – even more so. (People have more conscious control over their hands, less so over their feet.) I’m a much more observant person now. I can pick up on hints and nuances. Dates tend to go better now, versus years ago when every first date doubled as a lesson in a new aspect of awkwardness.

But I feel as though the me of today is not as good a person to know, compared to the me of yesteryear. All the tidbits of knowledge that I’ve picked up, I basically use to manipulate. With me, it’s always a game. There’s never not a game. Even when only one person (me) is playing, it’s still Game On.

I was at dinner with Xtian and La Troisieme a few months ago. At one point, I doled out some advice that La Troisieme found to be utterly shocking and possibly immoral. I said, “If she cooks you dinner -- no matter what -- do not compliment her on the cooking.” Why not? Because it’s a game. If you withhold the compliment, you’re implicitly expressing disapproval. And when a girl likes you (and you already know that she does because she went to the considerable effort of preparing an entire meal for you), she tries hard to gain your approval. So if you don’t give it to her, she tries harder. If not by cooking, then by some other means. You win.

People oftentimes tell me, “You have a nice smile.” A common variation of that, and I hear it with regularity, is “Your smile is very sincere.”

Years ago, I would tell a girl she looked nice if I thought she looked nice. Maybe it was the first warm day after a chilly winter and she was wearing a flowery spring dress to meet me at brunch. Maybe I’d bring her some sweets, because on the way to brunch, I happened across a bakery displaying a swath of ornately decorated cookies in their window and the flower cookie just looked so happy and fun and appropriate for a day that beckons the coming of spring. Years ago, I’d buy things, say things, do things “just because” or just to be nice. I can’t remember the last time I felt that way. It’s been a while. But at the same time, I no longer feel lost around women. I know what to say. I know how to act. It’s all an act. It’s all a game. The scoreboard says I’m winning, but I don’t know if I’m having any fun.

L$$ Gr$$nwood Craps His Pants

Whoa - Lee Greenwood must be crapping his pants right now. Kristy Lee Cook, our own barrel horse riding, apple pie eating singing sensation just blew America away with "God Bless the USA" on American Idol. This is the sort of thing that musicians must dream of. Who gives a crap about Lee Greenwood? This morning, no one did. Now, everyone will. I don't know much about the economics of the music business, but I bet Lee Greenwood sure could use a royalty check these days. He should sit down tonight and write a nice long letter to Kristy thanking her for making him a star again. It's a safe bet that by this time tomorrow you won't be able to find any Lee Greenwood CDs left at your local WalMart. Maybe next week David Archuleta will drop some Glenn Campbell on us!!!

You Decide!

When I was younger, DC Comics did something really innovative. People were not responding to the second Robin, Jason Todd. Not knowing what to do, the editors took drastic action. In issue 427 of Batman, they had the Joker beat him bloody with a crowbar and then blow up the building he was in. The last page of the issue (pictured here) offered two numbers. Dial the first if you wanted Robin to live, dial the second if you wanted him to die. Needless to say the fan boys spoke and issue 428 found Batman pulling Robin's bloody corpse out of the rubble. End the story of Robin II.

Evil and I had a mind meld and agreed that something like this could work on the Hose. Now that Killer B has joined our ranks and we are in a recession, Evil and I are thinking about doing a little house cleaning. Item number 1 here is to figure out if we need to trim the fat at all. We weren't sure who to get rid of, but we are leaning towards Manolo. This week's poll is our attempt to make this a referendum about Manolo. You tell us if he stays or if he goes...

Good luck Manolo...you'll need it.

Irrational Disdain

Evil

Are there qualities in other that you disdain? However irrational it may be?

I hate lispers. Even thinking about lispers makes me mad. That is wrong, I know. I can't help it. I'm sure I have more like this. Will post as I think of them. Share yours!

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Revision note: original post used "distain" instead of "disdain." This would not happen to me if I were not a child of immigrants! Thanks to Evil Twin #1 for correcting me.

The People Have Spoken

Thank you, voters!

How exciting! I'm not alone! You all think that Evil is simultaneously putting on d-bag airs and very gay.

It's like y'all know him as well as I do!

Hey. New Guy Here.

The ink is dry. The deal is done. I couldn't be happier.

My previous blogging experience was a real burnout, but after meeting with Evil, xTian and Mamacita last night over a few bottles of wine I realized this would be totally different. I'm really jazzed to join The Hose. They've made a great decision, and have a great font.

When I was in 3rd grade a new kid, Jason Something, joined our school. His novelty (Canadian) wore off quickly, and eventually we made fun of him just like the other dorks. I hope this doesn't turn out like that.

The Hose Family grows by 1

Evil, Manolo, The Mamacita, ET #1 and #2 and the rest of the Hose family would like to take a moment away from our intense negotiations to congratulate Balls and Mrs Balls Mahoney on the addition of Baby Balls to their family. Don't worry baby, we'll protect you from your crazy uncle, Mass-Hole.

Major Announcement Forthcoming

Evil and I are locked in a room right now with a major new talent, trying to ink him to a multi-post deal...the federal reserve has just entered the room and is pressing us to get a deal done before the opening bell on Monday.

(Wow, these guys are suddenly interfering in everything...gotta fight off that recession.)

After we get this deal done, we're going after this girl. Check out what she says starting at the 6 minute mark. WHAT A PERFORMER!

Interesting (or not)

A few weeks ago, I noticed Evil went to drinks with a TA we shared. I thought nothing of it. It took me a while to remember the TA and once I did, I remembered that I thought he we was a self hating Latino.

Later, I noticed that Evil started an email correspondence with with another Latino from our University days, a guy I sort of liked. In fact I did not cut him off for quite some time. I remember exactly when I did though. Kentak3 and I went to dinner with him and about 1/3 of the way through, no one had anything to say. My brother, not comfortable with silence, pulled out a deck of cards and shuffled...for what felt like an eternity, but was at most an hour. Kentak3 and I agreed this was not a good use of our time and stopped meeting up with this cat for dinner.

This week, Evil got all these people in an email chain along with me and another fellow, who's claim to fame was sitting in a computer lab eating bags of chips till he fell asleep at a terminal.

It seems Evil is trying to get together a crew of CS people we went to college with. The question is, why? What is his game? I don't think he's spoken to any of these people since University. I once bore witness to Evil assuming the persona of a wrestler the Hurricane and infuriating a former coworker who he had not spoken to in several years. What drama is he hoping to create?

I have a theory. I think for possibly the first time in his life, my brother is comfortable in his own skin. It's true and I'm happy for him. The question that remains is - what are the implications? What am I being invited along to bear witness to? Maybe I'm just a prop? Here's the worst case scenario, as near as I can figure it:

Evil shows up to dinner, at say Kobe Club, in a Ferragamo tie and his transition lens and rubbing his success in everyone's face.

"Oh, you're still programming? Why hasn't someone like xtian figured out how to outsource you to India yet?" He will ask while staring at his well manicured nails.

I shudder at the thought.

I wonder how long this will go on? Who else will fall prey? PDM? JoDo? I swear to god Evil, if I find myself at a dinner party sitting across from Jizzy Bae, you and I will have problems.

At what point do we switch gears and start focusing on the cute two cute girls who majored in CS - the one with the good feet and the one with the nice smile. Call me for that party.

Scenes From My Cameraphone

Evil

Guess who sat two rows in front of me on my flight from New York to Ft. Lauderdale? Geraldine Ferraro! Surprisingly, she sat in coach. In a middle seat, no less. Poor Geraldine Ferraro. Maybe she would have gotten upgraded if she were black. Because everyone knows that blacks in this country have all the luck.

Best. Video. Ever

Scenes From My Cameraphone

Evil


Check out this cuh-raaaaaay-zee old lady that I spotted at Starbucks. Not only did she fall asleep in public, she's got a cart full of plastic bags and random papers.

The iPhone Girl

Evil

“I was inclined to kiss you,” she wrote in her email. I had asked her to clarify whether it was she who kissed me, or I who kissed her. And that was her response. Although she prefaced it with a suggestion that it matters little who initiated the kiss.

Facebook brings a lot of little surprises. Most are neither good nor bad. Insignificant, I’d say. But once in a while you make a potential connection, or in this case, re-connection. The iPhone Girl and I sort of let ourselves lose touch after that dinner. I might have been too busy or too lazy at the time to make anything of it. Or maybe it was her? But, now connected on Facebook, we made plans to meet at one of my favorite wine bars in the city.

I was hoping it wouldn’t rain, but the weather forecast got it right that day. By afternoon, the clouds swirled and thickened. By early evening, the rains started and showered the streets steadily, though not heavily. When you’re looking forward to seeing someone and it rains, it sort of feels like the event is all rained out before it even started.

She arrived a couple of minutes after I had already staked out a spot near the bar. She flung off her hat and tossed her hair a bit to shake off the raindrops. Though I’m not always very observant about these things, I took notice that she had lightened her hair since last summer. The medium brown suits her well. Her eyes are large, the thing I remember most about her. The thing I remember liking best when we first met.

“I think I’ll try the Kangarilla,” she declared after pondering the wine list for only a few moments. “It sounds like a small, but vicious kangaroo.”

We talked, that evening, as if it were our first meeting, our first date. Which made me wonder briefly what we talked about on our actual first date. Was it that unmemorable? Or maybe our first date had just seeded our familiarity with each other, making the second date less awkward… more comfortable.

She told me later that the evening had such a cozy feel to it. That stepping out of the rain and into tightly packed wine bar made her feel warm, and safe, and comfortable.

Clarification!

Evil

Here on The Hose, it's not always easy to tell the difference between reality and imagination. Such is the subtle beauty of our blog. But I need to clarify a piece of fact: I AM NOT considering buying those stupid Transitions lenses. XTIAN made that up.

I did, however, buy a couple of Ferragamo ties recently. What's the problem with that? Most of my dress shoes are from Ferragamo too.

the hell?

I choose me !?!?!?!

A few months ago, I was in bed feeling insecure. I said something that reflected this insecurity. The woman next to me said, sarcastically,

"yeah you're so ugly."
"i know"
"You're crazy. Also, you don't believe that. You are completely comfortable naked. if you did believe that you would not be so comfortable"

A few weeks ago, I went to a benefit to raise money for my little cousins' cycling team. Their grandfather is now married to the woman who was the head guidance councilor at my high school when I was there. We spent a few minutes speaking. Later, she went up to my aunt and started remarking how attractive and nice I was and how it was shocking that I had evolved into such a man from the stoner/goth wannabe of my youth. At one point my aunt had to tell her to calm down as she was so worked up by my awesomeness.

When I was 22, I got drunk, and declared to Sparkes: "Screw these flighty b*tches. I am going to be the most awesome 30 year old ever" and i set about the business of making that true. I stopped weighing 300lbs, I spent an inordinate amount of time on hair and manicuring. I developed a "look" - clothing wise, that is professional, modern, youthful and vaguely rebellious. I pretty much did everything except get it thru my demented head that I could no longer be compared to silent bob or the comic book guy from the Simpsons.

When I first met ET #2, I spent an inordinate amount of time fishing for complements. She was would call BS often and say things like "You're fishing for compliments". Tough love, your name is ET #2.

I was recently telling all this to my mother, and blaming her for never encouraging me to believe in myself. She labored through the conversation before admitting that it was really hard to be a mother to such a headcase, she then handed me off to my father, who could not be bothered to hear my complaints and compared himself favorably to Rudolph Valentino before hanging up.

Random Rules For Social Acceptability

Evil



Was on the R train the other night. It wasn't very crowded, so it was easy to spot a guy sitting on one of those two-seaters in the corner. He was flailing his hands feverishly. He was air drumming, much like the guy in the above video. He looked like a total tool, but I think in his own mind, he must have thought he looked pretty cool.

Why is "air drumming" socially acceptable anyway? The rules for this stuff seem random to me. Like, if you saw some dude on the subway wailing on air guitar, you'd be like, that's crazy.

At the office, once in a while, I see people practicing their golf swing... sans golf club. So I guess you can say it's "air golf." But dude, no one does any "air dribbling," "air running back," or "air stealing second base."

I mentioned this to XTIAN the other day, and he immediately asked why "air masturbation" (including making the "ooooooooooo" face) isn't more acceptable.

Transitions Lenses

Evil

Have you seen the commercials for Transitions lenses? They're the glasses lenses that automatically darken when exposed to sunlight. So when you're indoors, they're regular glasses. But when you're out in the sun, they're sunglasses.

Do you know anyone who owns Transitions lenses? If you do, I have an important question to ask you all... Is that person a douche bag or what? The way I figure, you pretty much need to be a major douche to be so pretentious as to own these stupid lenses.

We Both Love And Hate XTIAN's Looks

Evil


This poll result is pretty amazing. When it comes to XTIAN's looks, the hosers are very polarized! And look how symmetrical the results were: a perfect mirror image.

As it turns out, 25% of you felt that XTIAN is basically on par with George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and James Dean. BUT... on the other hand, just as many of you felt that XTIAN should be wearing a bag over his head so as not to scare small children and sighted women. There was little middle ground, with "average Joe" getting the least number of votes.

How are we supposed to interpret these poll results? Is it totally inconclusive or are there any nuggets of insight to be gained here?

The Road To Damascus

Evil

I've had a change of heart. Now, I believe. Obama is real. His movement and his message are real. He speaks of hope in a voice that seems hardly to come from a man of ordinary flesh.

I might be going away for the next 5 weeks or so. My friend the AY is taking time off from her job to set up an Obama office in western Pennsylvania, a little bit outside Erie. I think I'm going to go with her to help the movement. Pennsylvania is going to be a bloody fight. Obama is strong in the cities, like Philly and Pittsburgh. But the more rural areas are Hillary country and Obama's people are still low on organization there. I think helping to set up this office can make a big difference. Obama's trailing in PA, but I think he can win it. I've gotta believe. We've all gotta believe.

My Hero

Evil

Well... he IS pretty super.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Evil

Hey, thanks everyone for sending me all those birthday gifts. I haven't actually received any of them yet, but I bet they're just in the mail. Can't wait til I get home tonight! Wooo! It's great to have so many adoring fans.

BTW- Check out this video that my nephew made for me.

Too cute!

Shocking News!

I just learned that Mr. Shoulders was Client #10!

Shocking!

What's The Plan, Stan?

Evil

According to The Mystery Method, an accomplished pickup artist should be able to "close the deal" with about 7 total hours of interaction with a girl. That could be over any number of dates... one long 7-hour date (unlikely) or plenty of short 1-hour interactions (unlikely too). The reality is probably somewhere in between, but the real point is that it takes a certain amount of time for a girl to become comfortable enough with a guy to be accepting of him.

Since I have an engineering background, these numerical guidelines resonate well with me. But this specific 7-hour thing has me a little flummoxed. You see, I feel as though I only have about 4 hours of good material in me. Don't get me wrong, the first 4 hours of material includes some pretty spectacular stuff. You should see me on first dates -- I tell interesting stories, I listen, I read body language, I can get a girl to initiate casual physical contact.

At around the 4 hour mark, I start to get a little nervous. My material is not as tested. Sometimes not tested at all. And if you've ever seen me ad lib with XTIAN, you know it can be hit or miss. It's hard for me to accept the fact that I don't have much more than 4 hours of interesting material. It's a fact about me that I don't particularly like. After all, I'm over 30 years old. You'd think that I'd have more good stories to tell.

Ask Mamacita (The Series)

Evil

Dear Mamacita,

As one of the very few people I know who's in a loving and stable relationship, can you share something with us? How long after you met KenTak3 did you first get the sense that he could be the one? Was it love at first sight?

Thanks,
Evil

Poll Results - I am Turtle

You guys think I should be turtle to Evil's "Vince". I'm ok being the funny comic relief. That suits me well. I'm a bit tall, but whatever...My question is, Is Evil good looking enough to be Vince? I think not. Further, somehow, Evil has even less charisma than Adrian Grenier. I know, I know, its hard to do but Evil does it!!

I have nothing to say to the deviants who think I would be good at smelling like baby powder in a bikini and high heels

Stop Patronizing XTIAN!

Evil

Listen people, take the current poll seriously. Stop patronizing XTIAN.

Making New Friends

I made a new friend this week. About a month ago, Evil and I went trolling for chicks when we ended up at a bar at the lower east side with a large group of people we did not know. After some drinking and an abortive attempt at Jenga, a very tall, very attractive woman spilled wine all over me and my sweater. While I was bloching it out in the restroom. Evil came up and suggested we use this opportunity to leave and find beef patties.

A few days later, I got an email from this woman apologizing profusely and offering to buy me a sweater. I resisted initially then finally relented. Over the course of our emailing, we started sharing our hopes and fears and generally bonding in a legimate way....

After some missed attempts we had lunch this past Friday. A three hour lunch, it was great. She dressed like Lilly Van der Wootsen as an homage to our favorite show, Gossip Girl. I dressed like a guy who has a lot of sex. That's how I always dress. Initially, she brought a friend, as a body guard I suppose. But within twenty minutes she excused herself, once she realized the coast was clear. I got my sweater too. It's great, I'm wearing it now.

I like her, she's funny. Also she finds me charming. New friends! top that

I have recounted this story a few times without any irony. Some think she is into me, some think she is strange, others wonder if I like her.

Honestly, it's none of these...except maybe that we are both weird. I mean we were both really excited about having lunch with someone we did not know. I think it was just a great lunch...that stuff happens all the time...it does to me anyway...

Disappointed and Confused

Many of you know that I have recently learned to play golf. KenTak3's love of the game inspired me to take lessons. I have several golf skorts and a pink hat. Further, I know how much Kentak enjoys going to the driving range with Evil, X-tian, and hopes that someday Mr. Shoulders will come along too.

I thought that golf players were serene, cerebral, and kind people, concentrating on mastering complex skills and appreciating very green scenery.

Did anyone else see this article, and is there any reasonable explanation? Do you all partake in these shenanigans at the driving range, but keep missing the birds?

Do I look like this guy?

Do you guys think I look like this guy?

I'll tell you why I ask. I was at L' Express on Friday hanging out, waiting for a friend. As I stepped outside to make a phone call I saw a table of men point at me. I thought that a bit odd, but not that outlandish. Maybe he was just into my glasses. That happens to me quite a bit.

When I returned the guy ran up and asked if I was on the Colbert Report the night prior..."you're that writer right?"

I admitted I was not and hand no idea what he was talking about, but I was intrigued. Yesterday I hit the colbert report website
and noticed that the guest all night on thursday was john legend...what a blowhard...we get it, you went to penn and you have opinions. Stop troubling us with them.

Anyway, he could not have been referring to John. I've stood next to him. He's much shorter than me. But on Wednesday, the author of "Mongrels, Orphans and Vagabonds..." was on the show.

Was this a racist question? Should I be offended? Or do I actually look like this guy?

Getting Political

Evil

Watching coverage of the primaries on CNN right now. Just found out that Texas has some really weird county names. There's actually a county named Tom Green. Why?! But my favorite name is Glasscock county. I bet the single girls in that county are very happy.

Fashion Advice for Evil

I'm finally getting around to answering Evil's post below "How Many Pairs Of Shoes Should A Man Have?" Others may have the same question, but I have to warn you: this really needs to be tailored per person. For Evil, the magic number is 9.

Evil: for the office, you need need to keep a stash of nice shoes, and then get 1 or 2 semi-nice pairs for transit to and from the office. You might not be as career successful as ET#2 who has room for a shoe drawer at work, but that's okay. We can still work something out.

You need 2 pairs (one brown and one black) for transit. Then in the office, you need to store 2 pairs of black of differing styles and 1 more brown. I'm leaning a bit more toward black as the dominant color since it will unlikely compete with your choice of very ecletic and colorful office attire.

At home, you can have 1 pair of boots (like cowboy boots), athletic sneakers, and then cool sneakers (not for athletics) like Pumas or Pradas. Finally, you should get 1 pair of mandles. These are man-sandles, where you slide your foot right in and perfect for summer, which is right around the corner. Check D&G.

Evil, I hope this helps and you will soon have happy feet. And, yes, I'm available for consultation for anyone else.

I Can't Help It If I Rock Too Awesomely

Evil

?@#)@)

WOW...who knew this was going on...Thanks Sunday Times Fashion and Style section

Hoboken St. Patrick's Day

10am in Hoboken on the first Saturday of march is when the drinking start. The City of Hoboken has a small parade to honor St. Patrick that seems to start around 9:30. Then the families take cover and the town gets invaded by wave after of wave of mid-twenty somethings looking for a bender. Everyone seems to be from a big ten school btw. No one can tell me why.

Like everyone, I like a good pub crawl but this stuff is out of control. I mean what the hell?
- First, I went to meet some mates at a bar. They tried to charge me a twenty dollar cover and also made me stand in line for 30 minutes....for a pub..in hoboken???!!? what?
- Walking down Washington, some dude gets tossed out of a bar and hits the ground hard. I reach down to give him a hand up, he refuses rather violently. I let him fall...screw him...
- On the path into the City, I watched a guy open some chewing tobacco and stick it in his mouth, he had no cup to catch the refuse. He just spit it on the ground.

Are you kidding me?

Glad that's over...come on people

Was This A Reverse Vote?

Evil

Come on, now!!! You Hosers are a funny bunch, lemme tell ya. I appreciate a good sense of humor and you've sure got one. Good one, on the recent poll. So you all think Mr. Shoulders is gonna get married next, huh? Surely, you were inspired by the American Idol-related Vote For the Worst website.

Seriously, the poll turned out in the exact reverse order of what reasonable people would, umm, reason. Mr. Shoulders is certainly not gonna get married first. He's gonna be last! He can't navigate himself into a woman's heart even with a GPS, compass, road map, wireless earpiece, and salary in the top 1% of Americans. Poor Mr. Shoulders.

And you voted for Evil Twin #1 as the second to get married. Serious? Evil Twin #2 doesn't even WANT to get married. So she wouldn't be second... she'd be second to last. (Mr. Shoulders is still the picture of ineptitude.)

At the tail end, with only 1 solitary vote, you had Evil Twin #2. Hmm... odd, considering that Evil Twin #2 is the only person on that list currently in a long term, stable relationship. Or any relationship, for that matter. I'm gonna call it: Evil Twin #2 is next! Her bachelorette party is going to be out of control.

How Many Pairs Of Shoes Should A Man Have?

Evil

Hey Mamacita, thanks for giving me the rundown of how many pairs of shoes (and of what type, and where they should be kept) a man should have. But I was totally... err... not mentally coherent when you were telling me. Can you review? Please? And I figure it would be useful on The Hose, since others will benefit from the knowledge too.

Like Our Friend Corky, We're All Winners Inside

Evil


A big thank you to our new friend Adrienne for hosting the Oscars party this year. The party was great, although my Oscar ballot was the complete opposite. With only 5 correct answers, I came in tied for last... with XTIAN! At least I had an excuse... I had only seen 1 of the movies nominated this year (Gone Baby, Gone) whereas XTIAN had seen about 75% of them.