Notes from the UnderButt: I hate my master

He is very cold. He claims ownership but he does not respond. When I hump his shin he responds with only a casual annoyance. He thinks he's better than me...

Damn you android!

I have to go eat my own poop

Tales from the UnderBelly

I. AM. UNTETHERED.

I will now go lick myself under that patch of sun.

Date or Die: A Small Slip Up

Anyone remember the Manifesto? The dark path was clearly and obviously called out as engaging with women from the past.

Yet there I was, Sunday afternoon happily trudging down the dark path, whistling even. My self-defeat knows no boundaries...it mocks my lighter angels and sometimes get something in "both my eyes". She was crying, not quite sobbing, just crying. I held her a bit. She cleared her eyes quickly and said "that runner thinks you just broke my heart". Of course I had not, I was just a random passerby. This is not unlike when a when I used to make a habit of stopping and helping drunk girls vomiting on the street. Not knowing what to do I would stop say "Don't worry I'm not creepy" and calmly hold their hair back as they vomited.

This was of course different. I know her but had lost track of her long ago. She found me on facebook. I had been blowing her off for weeks. I thought nothing of it as she was clearly listed as "In a Relationship" nothing bad could happen but as Sparkes was quick to point out "nothing good could come of it either".

When we spoke on the phone there we were, she started banging on about insecurities then caught herself and stopped. I thought we would be safe. Brunch was fun but then she fell apart in the park facing the Hudson river and I didn't know what to do. So I hugged her and assured her it would all be alright. In my head, something clicked and I concluded..."not for her, she will never be all right..."

Evil

Well, looks like our first poll came down to the wire... and ended in a tie! Very exciting. Good work, Hosers. So, to break the tie, I had to call in Katherine Harris, of Election 2000 fame. And Katherine's verdict is... XTIAN LOSES. (As always.)

What Happened to Yakov?

Evil


Hey, what happened to Yakov? He hasn't been around lately and I noticed that all his posts are deleted from The Hose? Anyone know what's going on?

Successfully Self-Defeating

Evil

I ran 6 miles with Evil Twin #2 yesterday. I haven't done 6 miles in probably a year. Big win! Right? Well, yes -- completing the run was a big win. But what I did afterwards was not. Here's the sequence of events:

- Run 6 miles
- Shower
- Eat a giant plate of pasta
- Food coma... pass out on couch for 3 hours
- Wake up, drink two glasses of wine
- Go grocery shopping
- Make and eat 4 burgers

Who eats 4 burgers in one sitting?! Apparently, me. :(

Unexpected Genius

Evil

Chalk it up to life's little surprises... My neighborhood supermarket is Gristede's. I don't go there often, at least not for big shopping trips. But once in a while, I'll need a lot of stuff -- heavy stuff -- like canned tomatoes and a 24 pack of bottled waters and groceries in general. Yesterday was one of those days. I rolled up to the checkout line with a full shopping cart. The checkout woman asked, "Delivery?" and I said "Yes." The delivery guy was standing right there. He's a well-built, very dark Caribbean guy. He goes, "Ok, I got it." And I was like, "You need my address, right?" But he said, "No, I got it. You're 14B. I know where it is."

And sure enough, he shows up at my building, my apartment with the groceries. This is probably the 2nd time he's delivered to my apartment. How did he remember?! Is he secretly a genius?

Can we Help a Brother Out?

PLEASE!

Date or Die: Death by a Million (electronic) Paper Cuts

On 8/22/07, APR wrote:

hi xTian,

i'm sorry, but i don't think we're a good fit. i think you're a great person, and i enjoyed spending time with you. i wish you all the best.

APR

ON 8/23, xTian wrote:

that's too bad. I really enjoyed our conversations.

Can I ask a small favor? if you see me on the street please feel comfortable enough to say hello. It will be non-awkward I promise

:-)

take care

xTian

But I lied, it will most assuredly be awkward...I may even stub her toe...or, more likely, lick her face and run away.

This however was not the coldest rejection I ever received over email. Note this from 2 years ago. from a girl I sort of messed around with once in a club and the emails we exchanged after that were initially about making a plan to hang out but ended like this...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know...I can't tell if you are insulting and complimenting me at the same time.

I feel the same way when we are together, which may be the reason why I am not too keen on the idea of us hanging out.

I am sorry. Can we just chalk it up to having conflicting personalities and leave it at that?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I keep these things....and think about them

Vote or Die

Evil



you astute readers of the hose might have noticed that we've implemented a polling feature, which is in the right hand side bar. only 3 days left to vote on the first question! and it's a close one. 50% of you think that someone loves xtian. 50% of you think that no one loves him. it's a nailbiter!

any suggestions for the next poll question? submit them in the comments section!

(Rare) Moment of Vulnerability

Evil

it was relatively late in the evening. i was online, doing some work-related emails. and xtian IMs me. a good 80% of our IM conversations are basically:

"woooooooooooo!"

but in a rare moment of vulnerability, i asked xtian via IM, what will happen to me once he has a steady, caring girlfriend? where does that leave me? so sad.

I knew I loved this girl for a reason

http://www.timeout.com/newyork/article/11137/the-single-file

Date Or Die: Midweek Update 2

SMS ruins everything...here is a unclear exchange with the Southern Belle

Her:I bought a copy of Theodore Rex last weekend. I'll let you know it goes once I finally get to it....
me: You realize its part2 to the Rise of...? I was going to phone you tonight. When do they let you out?
Her: I did not realize that. I'm out at 6 but I'm running over to double dinner appointments from there.
Me: Hmmmm two q. How does one attend 2 dinners at once? what are your weekend plans?
Her: One at 6:30 and one at 8. I wouldn't recommend it to everyone. Saturday working all day and dinner. Sunday - breakfast, lunch, movie, dinner...you?
Me: You are a tightly schedule person. I was thinking a rainy weekend would be optimal for some crosswording action.
Her: usually you would be correct. Ill see if any times get shifted around. Saturday may be earlier than I think. We haven'tgotten confirmation for end time for work on saturday
Me: I'll phone you later in teh week to inquire further. This texting business is generally an ungentlemanly way to extend invitations. I am only participating because I'm sure it beats the alternative. Where your alternative is paying attention in training and my alternative is paying attention to this conference call.
Her: duly noted :-)

I was really proud of myself this week. For the second week in a row I blew off someone who almost ruined my life 5 years ago, there by remaining consistent to my date or die manifesto (as described in the prologue).

Date or Die...Change or Die...its all the same here...

Doing OK

Evil

Mosquito bite on my left eye went down. Eyes back to normal now! Doing OK. Drinking alone, yes.

Date Or Die 2: The Wake

It's 9pm and I am way too happy to be at this wake consoling my cousin. Well, she's not my cousin. She's my mother's cousin...after a fashion. Let me explain

One of the most beautiful things about being Latin is the fluid definition of family. I occasionally struggle with this. I'm the first to admit it. I'm OK with that because I have further observed that white people just don't understand this at all. So this woman is not my cousin and might actually be my mother's second cousin once removed. But my grandmother and her mother grew up together (while not strictly sisters) in the same house and started the second half of their life together again in a different country. She's family...I know this because when I was small we had family gatherings and she was there. Her whole family was there, my family.

Still I'm doing a horrible job consoling her, I'm too perky. Further, when her mom died and my grandmother moved to Florida that familial connection loosed. Remember, I used the word "fluidity" and i meant it. Still, I got here in a pretty good mood and it has only got better over the course of the hour. Seeing these people I had not seen in 15 years made me think of happier, more innocent times. Soon I was joined by my uncles (who are in their 40s and more like big brothers...more fluidity) and their families and another cousin( who was actually a second cousin once...well you get the picture) and our grieving cousin told her dad's grieving widow how this was her Aunt Isabel's family and we were all family and she nodded with approval and made mention to the stories she heard from the old days...

This made me tingle a bit. Yes, I'm single and melancholy but I'm also part of something larger, a mythology I guess. It starts with bunch of guys in their sixties decided in the 1970s to show up in this country and try to build a better life for their huge and preposterously young families. Then these guys met a a fellow country man, a life long bachelor who passed for much younger than he was and how one of them introduced them to a daughter who had come to this country (as luck would have it) with a completely valid passport that was attained through a completely invalid process and how later a preposterously large baby was the first product of this union. My grandfather was one of these guys, and this fellow in the casket, he was there too...

Let's not focus on what a good guy I am. When my mom asked me to attend on her behalf I immediately balked. I was drunk after a concert and further had made plans for a date...how do I kill my date and attend this random event...It's saturday I'm trying to make a day of it but how do I start off in jeans then end up in a suit...what if I get lucky? Too many variables and I needed to simplify the situation...I committed to going on the date (to my mom...she hates me now) and if things went horribly awry I would make my way to Union City to the funeral home and pay respects. If things were going well, I reserved the right to bail. My mom reserved the right to use my grandmother's voice if need be. I was talking big but knew where this would end.

The date itself started ominously, I went to the wrong museum...a bad sign...clearly my argument with my mom had thrown me off. It got better and worse from there simultaneously. Neither of us were as into the art as we were in exploring each other's mindset. We discussed her oral fixation (she used to smoke) and how often she screened her dad's calls (something like 85% of the time). We discussed her sisters and how one of them dated a really bad actor who was apparently a super genuine guy. I mentioned half heartedly how my mom calls me every day and how I'm trying to ween her down to every other day. We got bored with the exhibit, except for the bit where we stood in a room with a mirror for the floor and the security guard pointed out to her that she was wearing a skirt and everyone (read: me) could see her panties. That was worth an awkward laugh.

We gave up on the post modern art and walked around central park and talked about the great restaurants we have eaten at (and failed to properly name half of them), theorized on the origin of the rollerskating rink that always seems to happen in the park and talked at some length about the people we have been with in the past...I suggested it might be a bit early for this conversation but she pointed out that we have probably gotten to know more about each other in two dates than she has in 5 or 6. I agreed and was aghast to see it was 6pm...crap I was on the verge of letting my grandmother down...I'm a jerk by design not by conscious act. She asked what was wrong and I admitted a confounding commitment and bit of family history. I thought this would be a strike against me in the grand scheme of things as she she had just spent all afternoon screening her dad. She apologized and admitted that when she is having a good time she could be a marathoner. I agreed that it was something we shared...just like diametrically opposed views on tapas was something we did not share. I further admitted that 5 hours is not a marathon per se...just a really good time...

I rushed home slapped on a suit and got lost all over Hudson county...

Later that night, we (family) sat there having a late dinner. We goofed on each other , shared some laughs and ate some great tapas. I was exhausted by my day but glad I was there...glad about all of it...I wondered how fluid it would be to insert my earlier date into this scene. We'll need to work on the tapas thing for sure...and we might need to make her wit a little more biting but all in all, I could see it happening...I guess...

P.S. - My grandfather turns 95 in November. I think in the run up to that, I may explore the Mythology a bit...stay tuned...

Desperation

Evil
Got an email from MENSA. They wanted me to re-join. Those guys are are more desperate than X-Tian! The last time I was in MENSA was in 1994. Top 2%? C'mon! Any monkey can be in the top 2%.

Argh

Evil

Little flying insects in my room last night. Biting me up. One of those bites was on my left eyelid. Eye swollen up. :(

Feist - 1 2 3 4

this i making me smile right

Startling Discovery

I came across this picture while reading the NY Post online, and I think KenTak3 might have a child* out there somewhere. No... actually, clearly Little Child is somewhere in the NY metro area, and worse yet, he likes the Yankees.

I'm not sure how to bring up this topic with KenTak3 to validate my findings. Help... anyone?

* the little guy on the left

Manolo Gets The New iPhone Shuffle

Shocking discovery

While watching some animal on plushy fetishist porn I came across some very disturbing video that included a frequent commentator on the Hose.

That's right Bruno has joined Paris Hilton and Lauren from the Hills as the latest celebrity sex tape victim. I'm sure it was before he met the Mamacita and KenTak3 and I'm sure he just did it for the money but this is some rough stuff...these were the only stills that I could put up on this site. The rest are on my facebook site though!

Date or Die: Mid Week Update

Called APR yesterday and left a slightly rambling message encouraging her to call me back to discuss a follow up date scenario (called out two options...a late saturday afternoon/dinner plan and a friday night plan that would include "the clown car" of friends I have.)

I am eagerly awaiting her call and burdened my chum (who I was meeting for a drink) with a ton on insecure thoughts like "she could either be at a tennis lesson or blowing another dude..."

NYT Girl is off the grid entertaining her mom...

I guess I got hot plans with my netflix tonight

Manolo Goes On Vacation (Midwest Style) - Day 0-1

(Editor’s Note: In my last post, I started telling all of you how I went to visit some old friends of mine up in Rochester, MN. Its big claim to fame is that the town is the home of the Mayo Clinic where my friends are doctors. This is a recap of Day 0-1 of the trip)

I finally get to Ike & Ella’s house where my friend Ike gives me the nickel and dime tour and shows me to the room where I am going to be staying. As soon as you walk in, you know my friend Ella had a hand in it. You see, my friend Ella is a neat freak. She is super clean. Everything is into little neat piles. She probably won’t admit it but I think she even irons the baby’s diapers.

After my long flight and I just want to get to bed but that can’t happen until I spend at least 5 minutes taking all the pillows down from the bed. I finally hop into bed where I then have to fight with the sheets. Those sheets are tucked in as tight as Yakov’s behind on Castro Street…

I wake up and decide to take one of my weekly baths. I ask for some soap and my friend Ella gives me one of those shower gels. She seemed to have memorized the packaging because as she hands it to me, she tells that the soap is for clean skin that looks and feels soft and healthy. She tells me that it provides abundant, creamy lather and contains nourishing vitamin E, pro-vitamin B5, white tea and shea butter. It is also designed to work with the warmth and humidity of the shower to maximize the moisture delivered to your skin and leaves skin feeling soft and smooth long after you leave the shower. Also, its vanilla fragrance transports you to a place of deep comfort. What the hell! Just give me a damn solid bar of soap woman…

Anyway, I spend the day playing with the baby and the neighborhood kids until the evening when we go to the “fancy” Mexican restaurant in town (by the way, there is only one other Mexican restaurant in town) to meet up with a friend who is having a going away party and was moving back to Ecuador (they are everywhere. I think Ecuadorians are worse than Mexicans). I engage in conversation with two young ladies who had joined the festivities a bit later than everybody else. We were never formally introduced but a friend of my friend is a friend of mine…

I was regaling them with stories about my life in Miami and how close my place is to the beach and how I went to Ike & Ella’s wedding in Peru and how you wouldn’t need any Viagra in Lake Titicaca (hehehe…Titicaca). I can yarn a pretty good tale when I want and they were eating everything up. How could they not? I was a burst of fresh air in that 2 Mexican restaurant town…

At one point, we were posing for pictures and I licked the Japanese girl by mistake…when she didn’t recoil in horror or anything, I took it as a sign that things were going well. The conversation on the table then drifted to the oncoming county fair. I mentioned that the 5 story corn (tallest structure in town) looks like a freaking dildo. The two young ladies smiled and giggled like silly little schoolgirls…then they mentioned that sometimes “corn” is all you have to do in that town. That was the second sign and I knew then it was on….I went in for the kill and told them I couldn’t wait for them to take me out in the town and show me what they usually do with “corn”.

They were going dancing that night and invited me to come along. We were expected somewhere else and not to seem overly anxious, I told them I wouldn’t join them that night since but that I would see them later in the week….Everyone went their separate ways…A day or two days later, when I asked my friend Ike for the girls info, he told me he didn’t know them. He asked his other friends…they didn’t know them either. It seems that the only person who knew them was incommunicado on his way to a forsaken South American country and would remain so during my stay...I never found out what they did with "corn" in Rochester, MN.

P.S. - Later in that same evening, and in the most interesting turns of events, I proposed to a man. He made the most delicious and well seasoned steak I have ever had and in a moment of orgasmic ecstasy, I proposed marriage…I never got a reply...

hmm

i just spent the last thirty minutes looking up Dashboard Confessional Live performances...

True Story, this is the bumpasaurus' favorite band. He knows all the words to Screaming Infidelities...What a girl...

Trying New Things

Evil

Went running in Central Park with Evil Twin #2 today. Good run... fairly hot day... by the late afternoon, I was really hungry. But I didn't know what to eat!

I walked down to the Fairway on to see what was up. My original plan was to buy a black seabass and steam it Chinese style and have it with rice. But when I got there, I saw that they had wild baby octopus! These little guys are like 2 inches big. So cute. So I decided to go with the baby octopus. Here's how it went down...

- Render 3 slices of bacon over medium-low til the bacon is almost crisp and the fat is all liquid.

- Add half a diced onion and cook til the onions are almost translucent.

- Add two cloves of garlic, sliced.

- Add one serrano chili, sliced thin.

- Let these guys cook together for a bit and when they're all chillin' out together, add a 28 oz can of whole tomatoes (but crush the tomatoes by hand before you add them); bring to a simmer and let simmer for about 20 minutes.

- Meanwhile, prepare the baby octopus with a little bit of olive oil and salt. Place the baby octopus on a baking plan.

- When the sauce is almost done, stick the baby octopus in a broiler and broil til the little guys have a bit of a black char on the edges.

- Turn off the heat for the sauce and then stir in some rough chopped basil. The residual heat will wilt them nicely.

- Pull the little guys out, and put some french baguette in the oven to toast them up real quick.

- Spoon the sauce onto a large plate, put the almost charred little baby octopus on top, and serve with the toasted french baguette.

So how did it turn out tonight? Pretty good... I was generally happy with the result, especially since I've never cooked baby octopus before and also since I wasn't working off of a recipe. The thing that could have been better is the cooking time of the baby octopus. I should have put those little guys closer to the heat when I broiled them so they could cook up faster. That would have made the meat a bit more tender. Oh well... lessons learned.

Date or Die; Date 1

Who: Asian Pharma Rep
Where: Madison Bar and Grill Hoboken NJ
Means of Introduction: The internet
Back Story: She hit me up on the interweb thinking me very amusing. I tested her intelligence by discussing the magazines she had a subscription to and what was in them. She struck me as remarkably genuine. I met her sight unseen.

The Synopsis

As she approached the restaurant (with me standing on the corner watching her) I was shocked by how attractive she looked. I grabbed my phone and acted like I was composing a text message when in reality I was trying to take a camera phone pic of her to forward to evil. I desperately wanted to ruin his day.

She claimed flexibility about where to sit but had made frequent disparaging remarks about her Asian freckles and how strange that was. Evil knows this, I am a huge fan of Asians with freckles. So I was sort of digging it. Still I found a table that would allow me to bask in the sun and her to shade herself under an umbrella.

Our conversation was great and free flowing although I was really disturbed by the fact that she sounded exactly like Sparkes' wife Cathy. So much so that I pointed it out and used the word "off putting" which as it shot out of my mouth I desperately tried to retrieve but to no avail. She laughed it off and I found myself in intense lust. How do I bang her now? On the corner of 13h and Broadway in Hoboken on a glorious day...how?

We pressed on, we got into families. I talked about the insanity in mine and she talked about how close she is to hers. I realized a friend of mine had had sex with her little sister in 2005 in Philly (the world is EXACTLY that small). She admitted that her dad is a Christian Korean minister and he might be dating a 32 year old woman in Seoul.

I liked her. I wanted more of her. She gave me a ride towards home (it was on her way). I asked to do something either Friday or Saturday. She agreed (reasonably enthusiastically). I like her too much, i will be on the outside looking in, by this time next week. I start recalculating my other two dates and start weighing the relative value of a second date with a good looking, awesome woman or the first date with the woman I met on facebook who I have deified to the point where if she is anything short of smartest, hottest woman ever I will be disappointed.

As I get out of the car I wave with a small smile, high on life. I check my messages before I jump on the PATH train and realize that my conversation with the southern belle from the night before was continuing via text message. I'm convinced there is no way any of this will end well. I hope you all enjoy it at least.

Date or Die: Prologue

I've decided to try something new for you guys. I have (i think) confirmed 3 first dates over the next ten days and I figured I would blog about them give you a sense of what I have been up to. I've spent the last 3-4 months reading intensely and got a bit bored with that. So I made a few deliberate changes in my world view to enable this

• I am now "In It To Win It" at all times...if I'm talking to you and you are an unsuspecting female, know that I will not relent until I at least get a phone number.
• In reality I am targeting an ass-licking
  
• The worst that could happen is you say "NO" and all that points to is your own pattern of self defeat not the limitations inherent in xTian
  
• Any medium is completely appropriate for meeting a new woman, this includes movie theaters while the movie is playing, retail outlets, dermatologist waiting rooms, the internet, the office, the quikie mart
  
• Rehashing old history with old women is the dark path and why I am not making any progress
  

As I was devising my manifesto this past friday, my homegirl reached out and invited me to a dinner with some of her friends. I was busy at work but had been earnestly trying to put together an impromptu drinking scenario that include ET2, le tuasieme the BF of ET2, Evil, KenTak3, the Mamacita and Bruno...none were receptive outside of ET2. Though I could sense her searching for an exit hatch when she realized she would have to spend more time with me sans the crew...one trip to Maine is more than enough...

I arrived at Fig & Olive fashionable late...as one does...
I was met by my homegirl(who's awesome btw, In a different world I probably would have found occasion to lust after endlessly. Somehow, in this one we have managed to become close without unlocking my baser instinct...a true testament to her awesomeness ) Her friends were a reasonably cool ghanian fellow from CT who she attended grad school with and an elegant southern girl she now works with.

Somehow our conversations split off very quickly. My friend talking to her ghanian friend and me talking to southern girl...we hit it off well enough...her rapid fire, interview approach to conversation kept things moving. As she peppered me with questions I wondered if it was a defensive mechanism to keep the focus away from her. Her skin might not be great. It was a recurring concern throughout the night.

The record skipped a beat when I bumped up against the record player by making a comment about her "hard hitting style of conversation". It took her a second to react but managed to play it off with a bad joke at Nancy Grace's expense.

Later at the bar she admitted she wanted to go to some museum or other. I thought on this for a second and asked "when are we going?"

She hesitated and said "a sunday soon"

I countered with a "we can meet for brunch do a cross word and then go"

She laughed at my directness

My grin exposed my canines...

"you're very proud of yourself right now"

"give me your number and..um...your last name"

I store her number and send her a text "this is xtian. we are going to xword then hit a museum..." I showed her text on my phone and said "my lawyer friend tells me text messages are legally binding..."

As we all left the bar I deposited her in a cab. she was quick to say "cross word and museum...a sunday"
I nodded and gave her a two cheek kiss in order to examine her skin some more.

What Does It Mean?

Evil

Serious question: if a girl is wearing a ring on her ring finger (left hand), does it 100% mean she's engaged or married? Are there any occasions where someone would wear a ring on that hand for any other reason?

I ask because there is this super cute (hot) girl. Recently I've noticed that she has a ring on her ring finger. I dont think it was there a few months ago. Anyway, it looks nothing like an engagement ring. It looks more like a class ring. The band is sort of yellowish / antique-ish in color. And there's a stone on the ring, but it's small and I think it's also black (or dark). It doesnt look like the typical engagement ring... and I've seen dozens of chicks who couldn't hold a candle to this girl strut around in ginormous diamonds. Evil is confused. Can someone help clarify?

Is My Wife Mad At Me?

Evil

Slept on my couch the last two nights and will likely sleep on my couch again tonight.

A Trip to Maine with the Evil Twins and the Balls Family

On 8/7/07, xTian wrote:
So I had a great time this past weekend. I'll admit I was scared sh*tless when we got in the car and you started yelling at me. I was like "oh crap. This whole weekend is going to be me getting yelled at by ET1? Plus, I forgot to bring my checkbook and I owe ET2 for the flight"

Why were you yelling at me again? I forget...I do remember that ET2 AND EVIL knew you would be pissy with me and did not warn me so I could deal with it in the appropriate way.
On 8/7/07, ET #1 wrote:
I was yelling at you because you had not responded to any of my emails the week before.

On 8/7/07, xTian wrote:
This is the start of our process homey. Reply again but be more expansive. tell me about being sick the week before and you know if you encountered any issues picking up the car or what you did while you waited for our plane to take off an land...that sort of thing

On 8/7/07, ET #1 wrote:
Maybe we should back up this tale to two weeks ago. You send this enigmatic e-mail to the Lobsterfest posse: whats the deal with lobsterfest? can i show up and crash with et#2 and et#1?

I replied that of course you could crash with us, but if you want your own bed could please call the B&B to see if they have cots. I give you the name of the place and the website to expedite things. You reply that was too much work, and then proceed to send out a mass email lamenting you have no where to stay when we get up there. Mahoney takes charge and finds room for you.

Then you complain you don't know how you will get there. So I email that you can ride with us. I also say please email back if you need the ride because then I will upgrade from the original economy car we were going to get and to also tell me where you are flying into so I know if I am picking you up from Boston or Portland. Once again no reply. Instead now I get an email from ET#2 that she bought your ticket.

Actually the only email you ever sent back to me was the one saying that you brought music for the ride. So I told Evil and ET#2 that you were a lazy SOB.

On 8/7/07, xTian wrote:
ET #1

I see. That's a pretty scathing indictment. I'm not sure what to say. Other than to remind you that as a man its my prerogative to be uncommunicative and that I'm very sorry.
Besides, Balls independently committed to me that this was all an non-issue and that we could make it work. I was not worried. Further, your pro activity in securing a larger car made the whole ride much more pleasant...

Also I am very happy that you can be bought off with colorful Malaysian desserts. That dinner at that restaurant was pretty good. I had a great time.

I was also really excited you liked Jenny Owen Youngs...she rocks doesn't she. I don't care that ET #2 got annoyed that I kept playing her album over and over. It's what I do.

You're not as bad a driver as advertised. Aside from not being aware of the invention of the "one way" you are super serviceable...

On 8/7/07, ET #1 wrote:
Thanks, Xtian. Besides my family, you may be the only person on the world that would not put me under the Asian woman driving stereotype.

I am slightly confused with you invoking "manly prerogatives," considering all the decidedly unmanly comments of the weekend: "Jem, truly outrageous," "I am a B&B guy," and your love of emotive women folk singers.

Gosh, we really did talk a lot about feelings on the drive up to Maine. Didn't feel like three sorority sisters on spring break?

On 8/7/07, xTian wrote:
et tu, ET #1?

As "sorority sisters" you have to do your part to keep up the facade that I perpetuate that I am all man....

J.O.Y. is awesome in concert. Yes her songs are emotive but she also makes BJ jokes all the way and generally shows up drunk. For her last show (at Joe’s pub) she showed up dressed like a boxer with a dude banging on bagpipes and a ring card girl in a little bikini and everything. It was awesome...

Moving on, that lobster was great. I don't know if it was obvious but I am not in the habit of working for my food. Grapes with seeds etc...Who needs it. But I really enjoyed the whole energy around cracking lobsters and what not. Did you see me hit sherry with all that lobster meat? It was so much fun. That picture of you and I revving up to eat lobsters is awesome.

Also, Jem is truly outrageous.

On 8/7/07, ET #1 wrote:
Aren't you glad you coordinated outfits with Balls before you came? The blue blazer might have gotten in the way and drenched in lobster juice and melted butter. But your sexy black t-shirt was able to stretch and move with your Herculean motions to crack the lobster shells.

There was a lot of exercising this weekend. First and foremost we did exercise our jaw muscles and our digestive tracts with the massive amounts of carnie food. Then there was all that walking around the faire, climbing walls, running 10ks, winning whack-a-mole. Oh wait that was me.

The one activity we all did was people watching. What did you think about typical New Englanders? Not counting the crazy Chinese doctor woman.


On 8/7/07, xTian wrote:
I have no clue about a lot of things. One of the things I have no clue about is the variance of people in New England. I understand Balls and his family, but there is even variance in that. I have only been to Nantucket (Brahman style) and Boston (preppie white boy style) so who knew I could go to Maine and see down home folk. So I would have thought a blue blazer appropriate. What do we when we get to the country club? Should I bring my tennis racket?

I like down home folk...except for the ones missing teeth. They scare me.

What was up with that B&B owner. She was weird. "I am from Philadelphia" she said with no irony whatsoever. Even as she pronounced spelled and spoke with a British accent. Wierdo...



On 8/8/07, ET #1 wrote:
Never really got to talk to her. I asked her for a banana in the morning and she seemed extremely annoyed. S and V told me that she was kind of a sour person, except when you and Mrs. Mahoney were chatting her up.

But the weather was too nice that morning to let an encounter with any weird pseudo British woman ruin it. The sun was shining and it was 75 degrees outside, and yummy Moody's diner in our tummy. We even cracked open a new driving mix cd for the ride home.

Were you conscious for any of that ride back?


On 8/8/07, xTian wrote:

Barely. I got a call from a friend who wanted to talk and I just was no game. I asked the same question 3-4 times.

Later I emailed her and apologized. She admitted she thought I was high and cut it short. Maybe I was...but on shellfish...ew

Open Call

Evil

Hey, posting this on behalf of my friend Mr. Shoulders. He's going to Napa for a weekend and would like a travel buddy. Has to be female, but Mr. Shoulders will be a gentleman (so long as you want him to be). I feel for my friend. He was going to do a Napa weekend solo, but that seems unacceptable to me. He's a good guy... makes bank... getting his MBA at one of the best schools in their executive program... offering up a nice weekend to Napa. Tentatively on the agenda are Cakebread and Neibaum-Coppola. And lunch at French Laundry.

Manolo Goes On Vacation (Midwest Style) - Day 0

I have done quite an amount of travel and to this day, I don’t know how to pack. I usually start throwing stuff in the couch about a week before and let it pile up until I have a critical mass of rags…The night before (usually on the wee hours) I start assembling at least two outfits (day/evening) for each day I am going to be away.

The next step it’s to actually fold the clothes so they fit in the suitcase…that’s usually a problem. Problem is that I am a big muscular guy and my clothes do take certain amount of space…I am not one of these petite Asian friends of mine whose tops fit in the palm of your hand once they are folded. I have never been able to properly fold my clothes. Somehow growing up, I chose not to learn…Just like two snowflakes are never the same; no two shirts of mine are ever folded the same way.

I leave work extra early so I can finish packing and arrive at the airport for my 9:00 PM flight. Of course, some people decided to have an accident on the highway and slow traffic to the pace of a centipede. I finally get to the airport and see the huge line of people waiting to check in. I point at them and laugh and proclaimed to friend dropping me off that e-tickets are so much easier loud enough for those in line to hear...

I proceed to use one of those fancy e-ticket machines. First one does not work. Second one does not work. They are all currently rebooting. I wait five minutes. The machines are still not working. After standing in line for ever, I finally get to the front and check in. It seems that my suitcase is 1 pound over the 50 pound limit. Seriously, dude, you are going to charge me $25 for 1 pound of stuff…I promptly remove my Costco size bottle of KY Jelly as well as other assorted toiletries and in an act of defiance I give it to the agent and loudly proclaimed “for you and your boyfriend.”

I think he put something about me in the system because when I asked at the gate if I could get bumped up to first class, I thought the agent would burst into tears.

Anyway, the flight was pretty uneventful…the highlights are as follows:

Flight Time: Flight to Minneapolis from Miami is supposed to be 3 hours and 35 minutes. Flight was delayed an hour and did not take off until 10:00 PM. Once we were up, I realized pilot was a wuss. He was afraid to go through some storms that were buffeting Minnesota so he made this huge roundabout through Iowa and the Dakotas. Total flight time including one hour delay (7 hours)

Reading Material: Skyscraper Dreams. Have been trying to read the book since April. Its a good book but only seem to be able to read a chapter a week. Switched to a really old copy of US Weekly someone left behind. It was all about Tom and Katie's wedding. Lots of celebrity pictures. Shocker article was how they did not invite Oprah...the nerve!

Service: it took the lady 344 seconds to find the whisky to go with my sprite. It was after midnight…where is my damn booze? Cost: four dollars

Personnel: we had two stewardesses. One took 11 minutes to respond to my buzzer and another 6 to find me a blanket. The other one looked like Gorbahev with tits. I was afraid to ask for another drink.

Grub: they no longer give you snacks on these flights. You could buy a bag of pretzels for $2 or a snickers bar for $3. I refuse to participate in their food monopoly and found nourishment in half a box of Nerds and 2 jolly ranchers.

Entertainment: CBS Eye on America (60 Minutes. David Letterman. Two and A Half Men and How I Met Your Mother). Seriously, I haven’t found one person that watches those shows.

Toilet: Not tested

Overall: 2 ½ stars out of 5

Manolo Makes A Pledge

I was away on vacation for the past ten days and I have been playing catch up with my life (bills, emails, probation officer, etc).

Anyway, one of the emails was from Evil discussing the top pages on the Hose in terms of page views. Not counting the generic pages, such as the home page and the archive pages, the five top posts had a common denominator (hopefully, not the lowest common denominator)...myself as its main protagonist.

I know I have said it before but I have decided that for better or for worse, I will try to post on an almost daily basis...Its the only way to contain Evil and his bag of crap...I just hope Bruno understand where I am coming from and doesn't attack me like he did last time...that was really harsh!

Improvements To The Hose!

Evil

Since I wasn't invited to Lobsterfest and had all weekend to tool around, I decided to improve The Hose. Xtian has previously suggested that it would be nice to have our posts tagged and then be able to view by post popular tags. So I went ahead and started that! On the right hand side bar, you'll see a new section called Labels, with links to the most popular tags thus far. It's not comprehensive yet, but we're working on it.

Xtian and I brainstormed some "standard tags" for things like recurring features and/or recurring themes. Here are some for starters:

Recurring Themes

• "Evil Feels Sorry For Himself"
• "Unheathy Relationship With Food"
• "Clueless About Women"
• "That's So Wrong"
• "You Have To Be Smart To Be So Stupid"
• "Those Were Better Days"
• "Feeling Like A Champ"
  

Recurring Features

• "Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy"
• "Outdated Movie Review"
• "Write Your Own Caption"

These are just some starters. I'm sure Xtian will add more of his own once he's back from Lobsterfest, all full of lobster and happiness. Manolo and Mamacita might add some too.

Enjoy!

PS - I broke the Haloscan comments feature. Need to wait til Xtian gets back on a computer so he can fix. It's only temporary!

Evil Hopes His Luck Improves

Evil

Friday morning. I was glad to be headed home. Not that the California weather wasn't great, but it always feels like to be headed home, right? 12:15pm flight. I was sitting at the terminal and at about 12:10pm, the woman gets on the speaker and says that we got pushed back to 2:15pm. Two hour delay! Argh. I pull out my laptop and wireless card and spend the next hour tooling around on IM. I spend the following hour drinking at the airport bar. 2:15pm comes and we're actually on our way. Going home! Wooo!

Somewhere over Michigan, the pilot comes on and says that we've been re-routed. Instead of flying in from the north (through Canadian airspace), we need to take a longer route... down to Virginia and then back up. This will add an hour an a half to our flight. Booo!

Once we actually get to the Virginia area, the pilot comes on again and says that JFK is closed due to some storms in the area. He also announces that the plane is out of fuel. Booo! So we make an emergency landing in Atlantic City. It takes about 45 minutes to re-fuel the plane and then we wait another hour or so for the storm to blow out of JFK.

All in all, I got home at 3am Saturday morning.

Got out of bed at 10am Satuday. Respectable, right? I was running some errands and while at the bank, I dropped my iPhone and completely broke the glass. Booo!


What now?

Evil Is Expecting Dinner!

Evil

What? Women are now earning more than men? I don't mind this at all. In fact, I think I like this. Open note to Mamacita, Evil Twin #1, Evil Twin #2, and any women who might be reading this... feel free to buy me dinner! And I know you're wondering, so I will answer the question... yes, you can take advantage of me if you pay for dinner.

thinking, thinking...

Evil

it wasnt until the thirty first year of my life that i noticed this. i was lying in bed, relatively early in the night, but late enough that it was dark. like the sun, the moon also sets. the moon was close to us the evening i noticed this. it was big and yellowish grey. it hung just above the rooftops of the manhattan high rise apartments. i only noticed the moon because it was so big that night and maybe because i was alone in bed. in a matter of minutes, it set. disappeared behind the rooftops as the sun does behind the horizon. it happened so fast, which i guess makes sense, since the sunset is also so fleeting.

bated breathe

It started over a week ago...I had just joined Facebook and did not know what to do so i just started looking around. Not knowing what to do I took the opportunity to "poke" several people.

One person poked back! I poked her back. She poked me back...after some of this she sent me a message

"Do I know you? Why are you poking me?" but in an engaged way.

and she was cute and she was interesting and well read and smart and pretty and from the south so when I read her messages I imagined reese witherspoon voice overs. It was great we would talk books and the world and life...loved it. Then she stopped writing. I was mad with anticipation. What would happen next? Did that last joke come off wrong? What do I do now?

After a few days I was having dinner with my old roommate. The book, The Omnivore's Dilemma came up...and i quickly shot her a message asking if she had read it...she had and quickly gave me a recap then admitted she had to run back to work (at 1152 pm?)

How do i get her to a bar?

Evil Turns Down A Date (He Thinks)

Evil

Cute Korean girl. Wanted to go out tonight. I said yes but then I canceled. Have to work. Not sure what she wanted. Maybe she just wanted to hang out. Confused. I dont even live in CA. I'm here like once a quarter or whatnot.

Evil's Feeling A Little Down Today

Evil

Tired. Got in to work at 6:30am today. Hit the wall by about 9am. Want to go home. In CA this week.

Upcoming...

roadtrip for xtian and the evil twins!
Guest staring Balls and Mrs. Balls and sister balls...

Evil Makes A Mid-Year Resolution

Evil

Need to be friends with more famous and influential people. So I can hang with Julia Allison and other beautiful people. Will be great times. And the second that happens, I am ditching the likes of Xtian and KenTak3 as friends. Who needs them? But I'll most likely keep Mr. Shoulders. By comparison, he makes me look good. I still need that.