It's All About Me (Birthday Post)

In an effort to distract readers from the lovers quarrel between Evil and Xtian, I am going to post about myself and a birthday on the horizon.

I am fairly confident that I am the oldest member of the Hose, but I am looking forward to this birthday, since it will be an even-numbered year. Not that this past year has been particularly terrible, but the odd-numbered years seem to be a bit rocky.

I might want to plan a party to celebrate. Who wants to come? Everyone can bring a date.

Double Standard

Why can't I discuss Evil's manners but he can discuss my poor decision making?

Prediction (Followup)

Evil

Remember my earlier prediction about XTIAN finding himself in a stable, well-adjusted relationship by Jan 5, 2005? Well well well... do I have an update for you! The full prediction hasn't come true yet, but I hear from a very reliable source (awww yeah, I'm pulling a Robert Novack!) that one of XTIAN's ex-women is now back in the picture. I'm not saying that she'll necessarily be the one come Jan 5, but the wheels are in motion. I'm happy for XTIAN. He's clearly too busy having a real life. That's why I'm the loser who keeps posting.

Darkness!

Anybody remember stuff like this. December is a dark time on the Hose. I'm a little scared....

Accomplishment

Evil

Someone viewed my Friendster profile today!!! Hallelujah. Shout out to The Kindergarten Teacher!

Ambition

Evil

It's 7:15 in the morning and I'm already at JFK terminal 8 for my 9:15 flight. I can't stand being late. I can't stand even the thought of being late. It's pleasantly quiet in JFK -- I didn't know what to expect being that it's Thanksgiving week, but maybe people aren't traveling until tomorrow? I walk past a food stand and want to get a glass of the fresh-squeezed orange juice they have sitting on ice. But the juice goes for something like $4.50, so I pass. Every time I walk past that food stand in terminal 8, I always want to get a juice, but I always pass. One time, I was traveling from San Francisco to New York with my friend The AY and as we were nearing the food stand, she goes, "OH! The orange juice! I LOVE the fresh-squeezed orange juice at this stand. I'm gonna get one." Then she asks, "You want one?" I answer, "Nah."

Right next to the food stand is this shop called Alti-tunes. They rent you music and DVDs that you can take on the plane. I never noticed it until this morning. But then again, I rarely notice anything at JFK -- it's usually so hectic and I'm usually in such a blur as I trudge from curb to gate, from gate to curb. But today, the thing about Alti-tunes that caught my eye was one of their video screens. The audio was on mute, but the image was unmistakable: a young Bob Dylan, in grainy, harshly-lit black and white video. This must have been circa 1965, just a couple of years after Dylan arrived on the scene in Greenwich Village. This morning, I can only bear to watch a second or two of young Dylan before moving on. In general, I can't watch any young Dylan footage anymore because it makes me feel too crappy about myself. Seeing Dylan, aged 22, 23 years, singing with the intensity and ambition that he does has this effect on me that goes beyond humbling; it borders on dispair. In Dylan's book, Chonicles Volume I, he has this great line about knowing his eventual fame from a very young age: (paraphrasing) "The world was shining its spotlight right at me, and nobody else."

I have this nagging feeling that I'm falling behind in life. I read and hear about younger people who are more successful than I am, you know, more money, more fame, great abs, the whole bit. Friends and co-workers my age are all on track to having wonderful little families of their own, if they don't already have one.

I'm on the JFK to SFO flight and catching up on my magazine reading. I bring 8 magazines with me on this trip. (I subscribe to about 20 magazines, so I would've brought more, if it weren't such a schlep.) Time magazine has this cover story, "The Secrets of Ambition: A surprising look at life's go-getters from its also-rans." The article profiles various famous people. For example, of Oprah, the article said: "She could read at 2, and although she was just 5 when she started school, she insisted on being put in first grade. Her teacher relented. The next year, young Oprah was skipped to third grade." I mean, crap, I'm pretty sure I wasn't reading until I was 5 or 6. At the end of third grade, I was offered the chance to skip fourth grade and my dad really wanted me to do it. But I was afraid to leave all my friends, so I basically filibustered (i.e. cried) until I got my way.

The article also profiled Vera Wang: she went to work at Vogue right out of college and put in 7-day work weeks. This helped her land the role of senior editor of the magazine at 23. I remember when I was 23: I was obsessed with bidding on Pokemon plush toys from eBay. (Hey, they were rare ones from Japan! You COULDN'T get them retail in the States!!!)

I didn't read the entire Time magazine article, actually. Maybe I wasn't ambitious enough? I just skimmed the little call-out boxes where they do the famous-people profiles, so I never did find out what's really "surprising" about life's go-getters vs. its also-rans.

I know a girl who's really pretty and nice. And smart! She has this endearing thing about her... he tends to blush very easily. Not that I'm the best at reading these things, but she might even like me. At the very least, she doesn't object to my presence. I want to ask her out. Should I?

This is a much more pleasant picture and post than angry Xtian's (no swearing).

F*cking Drunks!

The Pizza man is my boy. He owns a pizza shop on the corner of 23rd and 8th and he's the orneriest muther-f*cker in the world. That is to say, he's never in a good mood. What's really funny is that his tolerance for gays and drunks is lower than one would expect. I would say 55% of his business is drunken gays, with 80-85% of his business being consumers who can be described by at least one of these adjectives. You already know how he feels about the gays...even I was surprised by his feelings on drunks...

Recently, I went to dinner with Ill-Mannered, KenTak3 and the Mamacita...We went to Max. I'm on a first name basis over there and though the service is terrible its great. After a long dinner, I walked home.

On the walk home, I crossed by the scenes of several past defeats, Union Square, The Coffee Shop, Eugenes...as i cruised by the Gypsy Tea I saw a remarkable site...An SUV screeched to a halt and a young woman (of about 20...and I'm being generous) jumped out. She ran towards a modern NYC phone booth (pictured above), dropper her jeans and proceeded to either pee or drop an incredibly loose stool all over the street. I turned, looked, screetched and ran...several of her friends were pouring out of the car and screaming. Everyone was drunk and one of them stopped screaming long enough to call me a perv...yes, that's right, somehow i was the sick one...

I decided to visit the pizza man. I told him the story and he began waving his hands up in the air going "These f*cking drunk people. they're out of control"

Several, pizza consumers, looked up from their incredibly loud conversations sucked their teeth and left...

Evil or just Ill-Mannered???

A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) is clearly ill-mannered. Towards the end of last week we all agreed we would congratulate Mr. Shoulder's personal and professional success by visiting his elaborate apartment in Hoboken. Mr. Shoulder's very eager to entertain proposed catering a lunch while we watched football and discussed our lives.

I was eager to see how Mr. Shoulders was making out. Kentak was also receptive...our unnamed friend not only matched our enthusiasm but surpassed it. Sunday approached and I secured a ride for my friend and myself from kentak. However, when I phoned him to ask after his status, the nameless one was quick to answer the phone but slow to provide a meaningful answer as why he was not joining us. I am somewhat used to this behaviour so I let it go. However, in the car, kentak recieves a call from Mr. Shoulders asking after us to make sure we did not get lost between the tunnel and Hoboken. It was clear that he was ordering food for several people and I had to alert him to the change in plans. Mr. Shoulders ever a good host was surprised but dide not communicate disappointment. Instead I hung up and rung Evil.

"[Evil], don't you think its appropriate to phone Mr Shoulders, apologize for not being able to join us and remind him to order less food."

"oh...yeah"

"I told him you weren't coming but you should still phone"

"why, you already told him?"

I decided it was time to give up....

Silly Photos

Evil

Earlier today, Tiger Woods won the Dunlop Pheonix golf tournament in Japan. He defeated Japan's Kaname Yokoo in a 4 hole playoff and then was pictured kissing the phallic trophy.



Why do people kiss trophies? I never understood that. (The fact that I've never won a trophy for anything at all is besides the point!) Women should take extra care, I think, especially pro golfer Christie Kerr.

Waiting for Mamacita

Evil

Mamacita has a post in DRAFT mode! She's coming soooooon!!!!!!

Roasted Sea Scallops and Rock Shrimp

Evil

I dropped by Citerella's after work today to pick up some ingredients for a batch of pasta sauce that I'll make tomorrow. It also happens that the the sea scallops looked great today, so I picked up some of that as well. Here's an improvised recipe that actually turned out quite decent!

ROASTED SEA SCALLOPS AND ROCK SHRIMP


* 1/2 pound (large) sea scallops
* 1/2 pound rock shrimp
* 3 plum tomatoes (canned), crushed
* 1 small onion, minced
* 1 clove garlic, minced
* 2 tbs fresh flat leaf parsley, minced
* 1 tbs olive oil
* 1 tsp paprika
* 1 splash of dry riesling -- you know, if you were drinking the previous night
* Salt and pepper to taste


Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Mix all ingredients, except for scallops and rock shrimp, in a small baking dish. Bake in oven for about 10 minutes, until the liquid is bubbling.

Then add mix in the scallops. Bake for another 5 minutes.

Then add mix in the rock shrimp. Bake for another 5 minutes.

Remove from oven and allow to cool for a few minutes. Serve with warmed baguette and the same reisling that you didn't finish from the previous night. It's not too shabby!

(p.s. - I'm usually not at all picky with ingredients or proportions, but in this case, I'd highly recommend going for the rock shrimp, as opposed to regular shrimp. The rock shimp is much sweeter than regular shrimp. It also smaller and has a more interesting texture... goes quite well with the scallops.)

R.I.P.

Evil



R.I.P., Chavo Guerrero

WWJD?

Evil

This happens to me at least 4 times a week: I'm inside the elevator and just as the doors are closing, someone lunges forth and tries to get in at the last second. My reaction? Well, so as not to SEEM like an asshole, I make this motion toward the buttons on the panel as if I were trying to hit the "open" button. But I really don't and the doors close. And when they do, I relish at having saved myself 3 seconds and depriving that other person of the same 3 seconds. I mean, who can't wait 3 seconds for the next elevator to come? SHEESH!

PW3801 - Advanced People Watching (cont'd)

Evil

After three straight days of not working out and stressing big-time at work, I decide to bring my pudgy butt to Equinox today. Boy am I glad I did, because there was great people watching to be had!

I was in the stretching area, you know... stretching. And next to me is this hot female trainer, training this tooly-looking white dude. The female trainer has her back to me; the tooly white dude is facing me. The trainer's trying to get the dude to do some bend-and-stretch exercise, which essentially involves bending and stretching in the gayest ways possible (if you're a dude. If you're a chick, it's actually quite hot!). She demonstrates: there is lots of bending over, lots of sticking out her ass, lots of arching her back, and lots more of sticking out her ass.

"Now you do it," she says.

The dude protests, not verbally, but I can tell because his face is totally flush and he has this "WFT?!" goofy grin on his face. I look right at him. It is clear I'm not really stretching in the stretching area.

The trainer says, "Go on, do it."

The dude shrugs his shoulders. I look right at him. He glances at me. He decides he has no choice, so he does the gay bending-and-stretching exercise! I am staring at him the whole time for the sole purpose that it's making him all the more uncomfortable. Is that an asshole move on my part? Yah! Hahaha. But it amused me, nonetheless.

Screening Party?

Evil



Interested in the new Bret Hart DVD? You're all invited to a screening party at my place. In addition to the documentary part of the DVD, there are also some great bonus matches, including:

-- Hart Foundation vs. British Bulldogs (Madison Square Garden, July 1985)
-- Bret Hart vs. Ricky Steamboat (Boston Garden, March 1986)
-- Bret Hart vs. Chris Benoit (WCW Nitro, October 1999)

We couldn't have a classy screening party without something to eat and drink, so I was thinking, something like: roasted portobello, roasted figs wrapped in bacon, braised sea scallops, and home-baked biscuits. To drink: well, basically anything from my stash of wines because after all, I AM an alcoholic. And for dessert: baked gooey chocolate pudding, my favorite Nigella recipe of all time.

Welcome!

Evil

Bruno's Mom, welcome to The Hose!!!

Aquaman

The WB has announced that on the heels of a huge ratings bonanza, they are going to spin off the A.C. (Slater?) character from onto his own show...called Aqua...similar to Smallville it will follow the lead's progression from young man to superhero or in this case...aquaman...who has the power to talk to fish and...um...suck...

You may recall that HBO used Aquaman as a spoof for the proliferation of super hero movies in hollywood on the brilliant Entourage. For those of you who aren't familiar with Aquaman. You can read about him and the very gay Superfriends cartoon from the 70s here.

PW3801 - Advanced People Watching (4 credits)

Evil

Why do I pay the exorbitant gym fees at Equinox? I don't get my money's worth in terms of workouts, that's for sure. But ohhh, the people watching.

The people watching at Equinox is well worth the price of admission, and then some. Today, for example, I walked past the yoga studio while on my way to the water fountain. There was no class at the time, so the lights were dim... but I noticed a single person -- a female, young, fit, black hair in tight little curls -- in the studio. As soon as I caught a glimpse of her, for the life of me, I couldn't force myself to look away. This girl, in the dim-lit studio, was practicing what could only be described as posing in various sexual positions. Mostly advanced ones, at that!

I won't get into more detail just because The Hose is a family-oriented blog. I'll just say that I sure worked up a sweat at the Equinox today.

Asshole Move? Or OK?

Evil

From: [Evil]
To: editor@gaycitynews.com
Subject: Feedback on article

Hi, quick feedback on this article:

http://www.gaycitynews.com/gcn_444/aspiritidrowaboutgay.html

Specifically, this section:

Recalling that he confronted anti-Semitism as an undergraduate at Dartmouth, that he developed student tolerance programs at 42 public high schools across the city, and that, before taking a leave from his position with the law firm of Paul, Weiss, he was part of the team waging one of the pending same-sex marriage lawsuits in New York State, Garodnick said, "My background in civil rights doesn't come out of nowhere."

WHOA! Way too unweildy. There's too much that happens in the sentence before we arrive at the subject, "Garodnick."

Just wanted to point that out.

Best,
[Evil]

=====

From: editor@gaycitynews.com
To: [Evil]
Subject: RE: Feedback on article

Yes, [Evil], you are right. I am hoping that my excuse is that there was a lead-in sentence definitively identifying Garodnick as the actor in that sentence that got cut at the last second for space. But I can't tell you that under oath.

Paul

Looking For Travel Buddy

Evil

I've been thinking about going to Turin, Italy in Feburary for the 2006 Winter Olympics. Does anyone want to go with me?

I am Bernie Williams!

Apparently I'm running on fumes...

Its important to mention that I have a new roommate (Young Geezy) and that he's a cool kid...but he's a kid. He has great advise all the time like "ugly chicks put out" and so forth. We also watch Laguna Beach together...its really not that gay. I mean stuff we all know to be true but that we're past worrying about.

Anyway, I went with him to a party....some dude, referred to as "the dude" was moving to either Chicago or San Francisco to become either an equity researcher or a law student i.e. he was turning 25. The Dude is so called because apparently he smokes more of the green than is grown in all the warehouses of california (hydrophonics baby!)

The party was just a bunch of mid twenties princetonites and I recalled that I had been to a similar party (full of people I did not know) at the exact same apartment 6 years ago. people were shocked because I looked so young. I pointed out that I have lived in NY for 10 years

Young Geezy was quick to point out that
(1) 4 of those years were college, so instead of starting at 22 like all of them I started at 17
(2) I spent 2.5 of those 10 years living in Calinfornia...
So realistically I've been in NY for like 6 months...

Regardless, there were three chicks there and no where for me to play with Young Geezy's strategem. Finally one arrived, she was quite plain, but just the sort of Upper East Side Jewish princess that my not-loving-self guy wants to bang just to show "them" (whoever "they" are this week) that I belong...

I went to work. My game is to find something that isolates a woman from a given group and then join her in the isolation. it works...like always, because drunk girls are more insecure than normally and dumber than they would ever be in a any other environment.

I am banging on about something self absorbed that only insecure drunk chicks respond to when suddenly i'm distracted by my ugly friend's much more attractive friend. I run off and join her for a cigarrette (whatever) and in doing so, am sideswiped (so to speak) by the mythical "DUDE" who seems to have waken up (or come down from his high) with a very active libido.

I am now chilling on hte couch with the Young Geezy, really too drunk to care, when Ms Insecure slides back up and rolls around on the couch next to me begging for attention...I take her number but go back to ignoring her. She finds her way back to "the dude" and by some point is sooo drunk that she busts her ass from a still position. I am now officially laughing and her friends are trying to get her out of there.

On her way out, she comes by and encourages me to call...then lays a kiss on my lips. She's so ripped I convince myself that she just missed my cheek.

Young Geezy and I book out and go to get pizza from Bernard... In a mood, I bait Bernard into mocking gays, at 3am on the corner of 23rd and 8th its a safe assumption that Bernard, young geezy, and myself are the only people who have not tasted cock. Lost of customers suck their teeth and walk out as Bernard goes on and on about "f***ing f*gg*ts!!"

Sacrifice

Evil




I've never really had to give up anything before. I guess that's the good part about not having much to start with. I remember when I was 7, I REALLY wanted that Transformer... the one that transforms from a panther into a cassette tape. One day, my mom and I walked past it -- all shiny and on display in a toy store window -- and I was instantly paralyzed by the feeling of Want. But despite all my curbside pleading and hystrionics, my mom refused to buy it for me. Looking back, I can really appreciate that incident because it basically flushed the feeling of Want clear out of my mind. And now that I think about it, I sorta suspect that my mom didn't have the money to buy it for me, even if she wanted to. Maybe my mom was being a wise parent, or maybe she was just poor. Or maybe both. Maybe one day I'll ask her.

So anyway, that "never really had to give up anything before" thing is about to change. My doc called me today with results from my physical and she suggested I give up the fatty, high cholesterol foods. She rattled off some examples: Eggs ("No sweat, I don't even eat that stuff," I was thinking in my head), Butter ("HAH! I never touch that stuff"), Red Meat, especially Steak ("I'd have to actually leave my apartment to get a steak. No danger."), Cheese ("NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! For the love of God, please. PLEASE don't make me give up the cheese!")

I'll be honest: at any given point, I usually have 3 to 5 different cheeses in my fridge. You know, some Nevat always goes well with the crisp summer white wines. GOTTA have some Parmigiana-Reggiano to grate on pasta. Ooooh, and Pecorino! I could sit around all night, slicing paper-thin little slices of Pecorino... transferring cheese to mouth... cheese to mouth... cheese to mouth.

I guess that's my problem right there.

OK, I'll start eating better. Maybe I'll even lose a bit of this chub! Woooo!

Making Friends

Evil

I hung out with XTIAN and Evil Twin #2 this past Saturday night. (Read more Evil Twin #1 and #2 here!) It almost felt like a CSI crossover. Shout out to Evil Twin #2! (No shout out to XTIAN. That guy is a maniac.)

Prediction

Evil

I say that by Jan 5, 2006, our friend XTIAN will be in a well-adjusted, stable relationship. I'm calling it!

The Best Week Ever (NOT!)

Evil

I've known my friend Mike since kindergarten. Every year that goes by, I marvel at how long I've known Mike... currently at 24 years! Actually, what I really marvel at is how damn old I'm getting, but that's neither here nor there. Last week, I called Mike. I almost never call Mike and he almost never calls me. We're guys, so our primary form of communication is email. And even at that, the vast majority of our email communication is sending funnily "gay" articles back and forth. For example: "Check this out! How gay! (link to article here)"

So anyway, I call Mike and Mike tells me that he's in Chicago. Permanently. He moved from Queens to Chicago 2 weeks ago. Mike has a great new job at a VERY COOL company. It all happened pretty quick, I was told. Mike's also closer to his wife's parents now, so they can visit the baby more often. All wonderful news... but at one point during the phone call, tears started running down my face. Although I rarely talk to Mike and see him even less often, it always felt good to know that he was around.

If I were emailing with Mike right now, I would send him a link to THIS blog post, because man, it's pretty friggin' GAY!

In other news from last week...

I decided to get my various doctors appointments / checkups out of the way. First appointment of the day: the dermatologist. To my surprise, the doc turns out to be young, Chinese, and quite attractive! She has a pretty smile and nice skin. The first thing she says: "You're Chinese, like me." I furtively glance at her left hand. No ring! She asks why I came in and I tell her: "Well, first, I was wondering why I'm 29 and still have this acne." (*Points to forehead*) "Can I do something about that? And also, I recently started having this weird rashy skin thing on my back." (*Points to rashy skin thing on back*)

She examines me and at one point, says: "Is it hot in here? You're all sweaty." Yes, I was sweaty. Sweaty, pimply, and rashy-skinned. Way to make a good impression, Evil! She gave me a prescription for acne cream and some topical steroids (YAH!!!) for the rashy skin. I wonder if my back is gonna get all muscular and ripped from the steroid cream. That would rock! She told me to come see her again in 3 weeks. Should I bring her some flowers?

Second appointment of the day: the internist for a physical checkup. Blood pressure: normal. Resting heart rate: normal. Weight: could stand to lose 5 or 10 pounds. When she draws a vial of blood and I squirm like Cindy Brady. Lastly, she snaps on a pair of latex gloves and announces that she needs to check me for ball cancer. Have you ever had your balls squished by a middle-aged woman? It's a weird feeling. But it only took a few seconds and then she scooted over to the sink... (*snap*, *snap*) Her latex gloves come off and she's scrubbing at the sink. A few seconds later... still scrubbing. More time goes by... scrubbing, scrubbing. Hey, WTF?! She was wearing gloves! What's with the intensive scrubbing?! Me and my testicles feel self-conscious.

The Col-BORE Ruh-pore

Evil



Has anyone tried to watch The Colbert Report more than 3 nights in a row? This show is f-ing unbearable! I would've never guessed, but it is. This dude sooo CANNOT carry 30 minutes all by himself. I guess it's because watching a self-absorbed and obnoxious buffoon is only entertaining in little 5-minute bite sizes. If I wanted an entire half-hour buffoonery, I might as well hang with Manolo.

Support DiscoSkater

Support this site. If he sees a lot of traffic from our site, he might support my request for a xtian-ophile tee-shirt...

xTian's Gay Moment of the Month

Was at a club two weekends ago,checking in on some cool local bands, One was called Lolita Bra, there was one called Looker and the last was called Hopewell. I liked Hopewell the least, although they won me over when they did what was an incredibly rocking cover of Moonage DayDream (sidebar: is there a better opening line than "I'm the aligator!")

Anyway, during the Hopewell show TV's Vinny Chase walked in. That's right I was rubbing elbows with Adrian Grenier. Literally...i'll explain.

After the show, I was quick to point to Steph that Vinny Chase was there.

"who's that?" she said and she walked over and started hanging out with the band. Hot chicks can always do that...I was of course shrieking like a girl that my current big boy crush was 2 ft from me. I mean dude, imagine being in this guy's entourage. he must be turning down tang left and right. I could be turtle I could drive the car. Sure...

After much internal debate I rolled over there. There was music playing, so I grabbed him by the elbow, leaned in and was like "Adrian, I'm a huge fan". He was staring at my hand (on his elbow) the whole time. Then he looks up and says "thanks". I was suddenly mortified. I mean how gay is that? I took several steps back and came up behind Steph and grabbed her in a very masculine way, not that I'm dating her or anything, I just wanted to remind people i was not gay. Where people is mostly me. Steph, was used to this, as I had pulled this act a few weeks ago when we happened into a very gay bar.