The Hose

Midget Dreams

I had another visitor last week and her name was Jeanne. She barreled up the coast with 120 mph winds and drenching rain…

Given the lessons learned from the last time around, I decided to pass the time with my family…I get there around 2:00 PM and everyone in the family seemed to have the same idea…there are like 20 people there….my parents, my brother, my sister, uncles, aunts, some cousins, my little old grandma…

I quickly decided to establish myself as the alpha male, the leader of the pack and promptly kicked my grandma out of the family room so I could watch Keanu Reeves (aka Neo ) in “Chain Reaction.”

Around 4:30 PM, we decided to play a round of Trivial Pursuit (the 90s edition)…That was my first time playing Trivial Pursuit and I can clearly attest that I hate it…that game has nothing to do with knowledge but rather luck…I went all around the board but somehow failed to land on the Category Headquarters needed to win a token…Anyways, after 6 hours of play, a winner (myself) emerged…woooo!!

Trivial Pursuit Spoiler Ahead - By the way, there seem to be 5 or 6 answers that come up time and time again…They are Bud Selig, Janet Reno, Apple, Cheers, Kodak & Disney…

Around 11:00 PM, one of my cousins had the bright idea of playing Scrabble…It was 2:00 AM before a clear winner emerged…I was brought back down to Earth because I couldn’t do anything with my “Z” (10 points) or my “X” (8 points)…I kept holding the X because I thought I could make “Xylophone” happen...No such luck. You know what, I really hate the game…My friend JWeb expresses my feelings quite clearly in one of his diatribes.

Anyways, after a long day of eating junk food and drinking pina coladas, I woke up around 4:30 AM with a very nasty and particular dream…

In my dream, I wake up after somebody starts tapping the bedroom window. I take a peek outside but there is nobody there…Then I hear some more knocking on the front door. I get up to investigate…I look through the peep hole and nothing…I look through the glass side panel and see an unknown car parked in the front of the house…I slowly start opening the door and in front of me there is a curtain of water going left or right or upwards moving at the whim of some very strong winds…I can hardly see anything except for this midget (little person for those P.C. motherfuckers out there) wet from head to toe wearing black pants and a white shirt from Larios (popular spanish restaurant).

Midget: “Puedo entrar?” (Can I come in?)

Manolo: “Que?” (What?)

Midget: “Puedo entrar?” (Can I come in?)

Manolo: “Que? Quien eres y porque quieres entrar? (What? Who are you and why do want to come in?”)

Midget: “Mi nombre es Jose y estoy tratando de escapar los inclementos del tiempo” (My name is Jose and I am trying to escape the weather”)

Manolo: “Si, pero no entiendo…que haces por aquí?” (Yes, but I don’t understand…what are you doing around here?)

Midget: “Estaba haciendo una entrega de una comida” (I was delivering some food)

Manolo: “En este tiempo? Donde esta tu carro? Y porque no pidio amparo donde entrego la comida?” (In this weather? Where is your car? And why didn’t you ask for shelter where you made your delivery?)

Midget: “No tengo un carro…y nadie contesto en la direccion que me dieron” (I don’t have a car…and nobody answered the door)

Manolo: “Lo siento pero me lo encuentro medio raro…Adios! (I am sorry but I find all this very strange…bye bye)

I start to close the door when the midget sticks his foot in the door and in a rather bizarre tone says

“Please…”

All of a sudden, another midget (female) jumps out of a palm tree and starts running yelling at the top of her lungs “Push it in...” to her midget partner. At the same time, she is pointing at me and yelling to “open the door, you motherfucker, you…”

I am trying to close the door but I can’t…I keep pushing, trying to close the door but to no avail…that tiny foot seemed to have made out of steel or something…

The door its not budging when a Black suburban comes out of nowhere and pushes the other car out of the way….all of a sudden, another 6 midgets jump out and start running towards the door….

I grab a flower vase and break into tiny little pieces on the midget’s head………he stumbles and I am able to finally close the door…