Tuesday Night Quickies

Evil

• Friend-of-the-Hose Steph asks an interesting question on her blog. She wants to know why Chinese guys smell so bad. This question perplexed me because I didn't think that Asian people smell at all. But then again, I am a Chinese guy and everyone knows that people can't smell themselves. (I have this ongoing fear that my apartment smells bad and I don't know it.) Personally, I think Steph is nuts, but maybe one of you Hosers can provide an explanation.

• I've started making drinks with whatever beverages are in my fridge. Tonight, I'm having Diet Root Beer and Grey Goose Vodka. Let's just say that this particular recipe will not be making it to Sparks's "Cocktail Hour" feature any time soon.

• I will be headed back to China in 8 days.

• Why has it rained so much this summer? Are we being punshished for something?

Whoa!

Evil

Came across this pic while doing a Google Image Search. What the hell is going on in this pic? It's so bizarre. Are they humping?

Daymares Volume 3

One of the great things about living in a big city is it gives you plenty of things to think about and consider as you walk down the street. There are people everywhere, so your eye is constantly drawn here and there. Well, when I walk down the street, I often end up imagining a purse-snatching happening right in front of me. I'm not sure why I have this association with NYC, but I do. I've never seen it happen - in fact I don't think I've ever seen a crime committed, but I nonetheless have the expectation that some day, right in front of me, some thug is going to knock a woman to the ground and run away with her purse. The fun starts after the jump....

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And when I imagine this, I also always imagine that he is running towards me. But because he is running from the scene, he is looking over his shoulder - looking back to see if anyone is after him. Which creates the perfect situation for: the clothesline.

I think the clothesline is probably the most perfect form of violence one person can commit against another. Hitting or kicking someone is easy. Clotheslining someone is on a whole different level. The opportunity doesn't come along very often though. It's a rare combination of circumstances that must occur in order for it to be done perfectly. First, you need someone running full speed right past you. Second, that person needs to be not paying attention (otherwise they might duck or fight back). Third, you need a reason to clothesline a person. Someone just being in a hurry doesn't cut it (Evil). All of this makes a purse-snatching in a busy city ideal.

Another thing I like about the clothesline is that has the potential to do immense damage to one person, with minimal damage to another. Yes, I might bruise my arm, but in return for that bruise I'm giving someone whiplash, and 2 impacts (my arm, and the ground). Plus there is embarrassment. If you got clotheslined on a crowded street, and then caught and apprehended, you would be soooooo embarrassed. Especially when it is me doing the clotheslining.

Anyway, in my Daymare, I always get the guy as he is rounding a corner, looking over his shoulder, and then BAM!!! my arm extends out, swinging forward slightly, and the punk ends up on his back, knocked out cold. I casually pick up the purse and walk it over to the poor woman (often old, but sometimes insanely hot). Then I walk back to the punk, and stand over him until a police officer shows up. The next day I am on the cover of the Post with a really clever headline, and then things go back to normal after a few days of media interviews.

Calling on Marketing Types

Yesterday the Sparkseses watched the US play Brazil in the finals of the Confederations Cup – the premiere soccer event in this non-World Cup year. I think xTian might post about the game. I would like to post about the business. Here is the question for you marketing types: do the major networks want soccer to become a legitimate 5th professional team sport in the US (on par with football, basketball, baseball, and hockey)?

My initial reaction is yes. Event-driven telecasts, like sports or American Idol, continue to draw large numbers of viewers even while the rest of the TV audience splinters. Plus, that is the only segment in which people still watch commercials (viewers are much less likely to TiVo a live event than a sitcom). If American viewers suddenly take an interest in soccer, the networks get to add hundreds of hours of additional event broadcasting.

But as I sat there watching the game, I began to think that maybe networks wouldn’t be so happy with soccer after all. Soccer games are divided into two one-hour blocks that cannot be interrupted, with one 20-minute halftime in between. How do you make the add revenue work with that? Yes, maybe you get a lot of eyeballs, but how does that pay the piper when you cannot break for a beer commercial? Would a network make more money just showing A Few Good Men instead?

Well?

I Saw Big Pussy!

Evil

The Staten Island Yankees are a Single-A minor league baseball team. But at today's game, they got a big time star to throw out the first pitch: Big Pussy!

(But reverting to their minor league selves, the SI Yankees got some pimply early-teens boy to sing "God Bless America" during the 7th inning stretch and that kid's voice cracked very badly at multiple times during the song. I boo'd him.)

Cooking With KillerB - Fanesca

Fanesca is a traditional Ecuadorian soup. It is normally only prepared during Easter Week. While the recipe can vary quite a bit, at the heart of the soup are 12 different grains which represent the disciples of Jesus, and some Salt Cod (dried and salted fish). Since only X-tian, The Bump and the elusive KillerB2 have any Ecuadorian blood in them, however, the rest of you can just think of it as a soup perfectly suited for any time of year or religious purpose.

What you will need (though ad-libbing with this dish is almost imperative):

1 pound of Salt Cod
Wild Rice
Lentils
1 Whole Squash
Garbonzos
Black Beans
Lima Bean
Carrots
Homony
Bay Leaves
Butter
1 Onion
Hearts of Palm
Queso Blanco
Milk
(I don't think I made it up to 12 grains - but don't let that stop you).

Step by step illustrations after the jump
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Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil

Mini Chairman Meows

Evil

Saw this pic posted on Chairman Meow's mom's facebook account. She's been thinking about getting a second kitty and just saw this new batch of mini Chairman Meows. The one in the middle looks just like him! The one on the left has his face, but has a slightly lighter grey color. (And there is a 3rd on in the back, but the pic is not clear.)

I would get one of these little guys myself, but it's too much of a hassle to bring a pet from China back to the U.S.

Funny Photo From "The Internets"

Evil

Not entirely safe for work, so I'll just link to it...

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil

Ooof!

Bizarre Use of Language

What is with the URGENT from the Fox News site? Is this Breaking News 2.0? Also, pretty creepy that NBC has an hourlong special on right now - clearly was in the can before he died today. Everyone speaking in the past tense....... 3 hours later?

Play Ball!

Evil

There was a baseball game happening? I barely noticed...

How To Win An Arguement

Evil

Scene from the ball park...

(Bottom of the 9th, Mets leading, their closer is on the mound, 1 out. Many fan are standing and cheering.)

Woman in the black shirt is shouting "Sit down! SIT DOWN!"

Man in the orange shirt asserts his right to stand if he wants to. His response: "Shut up!"

Woman: "No, you shut up!"

Man: "I'm only 19 and I have more money than you do!"

BAM! Q.E.D. This guy showed her who's boss.

Thoughts On Iran

Evil

Not to get overly poltical on you all, but I don't think Moussavi is the answer in Iran. Sure, maybe he's marginally better than Ahmadinejad. Or is he?

There only one man who can save Iran.



Yes, the true Iranian patriot... THE IRON SHIEK!

Sparks in NYC?

Yesterday I was sitting in steerage on an Ellis Island bound ferry when I came across this little fellow, so of course I immediately assumed Sparks and Catjjy were in town, because he works in private equity and their life is perfect. I was a little pissed I didn't get a call, frankly. "Can't buy a dude a beer?", I thought.

So I was relieved when I got home, did a little sleuthing, and realized it wasn't the Sparkesesses in town, but instead one of those billionaire Russian oligarchs. This is Le Grand Bleu. She is 370 feet long, and belongs to Eugene Shvidler. She used to belong to Roman Abramovich, but he gave her to his friend Eugene a few years ago. Like friends do.

Abramovich is okay though. He can still get around on water because a few days ago he took possession of Eclipse, a 557 footer, and the world's largest. Le Grand Bleu is merely the 14th largest. Embarrassingly small by oligarch (and private equity) standards.

The Best Gay Sports Talk Radio

Evil

Craig Carton (l.) and Boomer Esiason (r.) have a morning sports talk show on WFAN. These guys are genius. Or should I say, Carton is a genius and Boomer plays a great straight man. The best thing about Carton is that once in a while, he'll go super gay on all the listeners. Like a couple of days ago, he initiated a discussion about how large Albert Pujol's member is.

Carton concluded that Pujols is 9 inches.

If that's the over/under, I'll take the "over" actually.

(Yes, I know the gay schtick was done by Howard Stern & crew many years ago. But now that Stern if off of free radio, he's near irrelevant. Carton is the heir to Stern's throne.)

Life Update

Evil

I went to the Museum of Natural History to check out the froggies on exhibit. Saw this cool little Poison Dart Frog today. My life is exciting, yes.

Sparks Delivers

KB1 tasked me with determining the odds of getting exactly one Liberty Quarter (“LQ”) and one Wheat Penny (“WP”) as the result of a cash transaction. The following analysis is necessarily built on a lot of assumptions, but I think it makes for a decent ballpark estimate. Here goes:

Getting exactly one quarter and one penny as change only happens when a transaction total comes to $X.74. We first need to calculate the odds of that happening. I assume half of all cash transactions in NYC end in an even-quarter increment (cab ride with tip is $12.00; Diet Coke at deli is $1.50). All other transactions are distributed evenly across the remaining 96 two-digit cent outcomes. Thus the probability of receiving exactly one quarter and one penny in a transaction is .5 x 1/96 = 0.52%.

Next, we need to identify the probability of that quarter being an LQ. Somebody on the interweb helpfully studied a sample of 1,000 quarters last year and noted the following: (1) there were no quarters before 1965, the year the mint stopped putting silver in quarters, (2) 41% were from this decade, (3) 28% were from the ‘90s, (4) 18% were from the ‘80s, (5) the remaining 13% were from 1965 – 1979, (6) across each bucket, the years were fairly evenly distributed. Thus the probability that a random quarter will be an LQ (at least in 2008) is 0.13/15 = 0.867%.

We now need to run the same analysis for pennies. I didn’t find anything useful on the web. Indeed, KB1’s stash of LQs and WPs would be hugely helpful here. In the absence of anything else, I know I receive many more LQs than WPs these days. Probably 4-1. So let’s say that the probability of a random penny being a WP is about a quarter of the probability that a quarter is a LQ, or 0.00867/4 = 0.217%.

The probability of KB1’s transaction is thus 0.52% x 0.867% x 0.217% = 0.00001%, or one out of every 10 million cash transactions.

Let’s say the average New Yorker makes 5 cash transactions per day. We would expect to see KB1’s change event happen once every 2 million person-days, or once every 5,600 person-years.

Of course, there are 8 million people in NYC. So we would expect KB1’s change event to happen to 4 people in the City every day. Not exactly winning the lottery, but not bad, either.

Change I Can Believe In

Here is something most Hosers probably don't know about me. Everyday when I get home I sort my change into a few different jars. I don't sort by denomination, however. What I do is sort pre and post 1975, with a couple of little wrinkles. To read the most amazing story every, see me after the jump.
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1975, of course, is the year I was born. So, post 1975 coins go into a big jar on my dresser, which every few months gets taken to the bank and becomes beer money. Pre 1975 change goes into a different jar, which sits on the shelf next to my cookbooks. This change never goes anywhere. Then there are 2 special categories: wheat pennies, and bicentennial quarters. Bicentennial quarters were released in 1976 of course, so they are my lone exception to the 1975 rule. These go into a piggy bank I have had since I was very young. The bank was made in 1976 by a bank my grandfather used to run. It is in the shape of the liberty bell. All of my bicentennial quarters go in there. It's almost full. Wheat cents I separate because I love the look of them, and because they are old. They were minted from 1909-1958. Every now and then you get one from the 1920's or so, and I really like that. I like to think of all the transactions they have been part of - all the lives they have come into contact with. It think it is really neat to come across things that have been in daily use for almost a century. It's like stumbling on a Model T driving down the highway. Anyway, these guys go into a different jar that sits next to my cereal.

So, this is a long introduction to say that last week I had the perfect change experience. I went to a Duane Reade before work to buy some Slim Jims for a meeting that morning and paid with a $5 bill. The Slim Jims + tax came up to $4.74. For change I received both a bicentennial quarter and a wheat cent!!!! Amazing.

Sometimes I go weeks without getting either of these in a transaction, but in this case I went 2 for 2. I'll let Sparks figure out the odds of that, but I was pretty pumped.

Caption Contest Winner!!!!!

Well, we had a lot of great entries, and some really crap ones too. As it turns out, the winner, as judged by me, wasn't even an official entry. I bent the rules however, and thus, congratulations MG for your inspired submission!!!!

Please send your address to thehose@gmail.com and I'll get your 8x10 glossy out to you this week.

Latest Poll Results

This result is pretty surprising. I knew people liked Manolo for some reason but it was not clear to me that people were into Evil. Was it his preparation? Or is this our very own little Iran?

Is the fix in? Evil, take me to your supreme leader!

Having said all that, I think the Bump is out there doing yeoman's work. Can we give the brother a little respect? Catjjy was loads of fun to record. I learned the most from KillerB so that's cool too. Basically, we're all winners, everyone except you the listener! You guys get to keep on suffering! HOORAY

The Hosecast: Mailbag Edition

Rather than post a new Hosecast this week I figured I would do a little mailbagging
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To: The Hose
From: Evil Twin #2
Subject: basket jobs
What exactly is a basket job?
-ET2

Thanks for the great question,ET2. A basket job is a sexual act where a woman sits naked in a basket hanging from the ceiling. the basket is lowered onto a man in such a way that they can get it on. The basket is spun along the access so homeboy can feel it.
Why we talk about it? Well that's a little fuzzier. First, it's hilarious but most things to do with paying for sex are anyway. More specifically, either Sparks or KillerB learned about this during their trips to the far east and it has been a recurring joke since then.


To: The Hose
From: Sylvia in Miami
Subject: Kelly Clarkson
You guys seem to overanalyze everything to do with American Idol, so  I was hoping you could help clear something up for me. Why is Kelly Clarkson so much more successful than other past Idol Contestants. I don't mean like Clay Aiken and all these other guys, who don't really have an audience. I was thinking more like Katherine McPhee who seems to have more star power.

Hmm, I might want to defer to Killer B or Sparks here. I'll take a crack just to fill some time. First, I might disagree with the premise overall. Kelli Pickler might be just as popular as Kelly Clarkson. Sure, country music is sort of a niche but its an incredibly big niche. Daughty is also insanely popular, his music is so perfectly inoffensively bland that every radio station in the country is very comfortable playing it and parents are genuinely ok with letting their children download it on iTunes. Which I think is the exact tone you need to hit to achieve Kelly Clarkson like fame -sing a bunch of catchy songs that anyone else in the world could sing, don't get in the tabloids for binge drinking and setting cars on fire but do get in the tabloids for being incredibly relatable (When Kelly Clarkson sings about not getting a dude or not being happy its sort of believable. Also, she has a weight problem totally relatable). Katharine McPhee's problems are to my mind 2 (1) Does she want to sing or act? I suspect she does not know (2) She's too pretty to have Kelly Clarkson like problems. 

To: The Hose
From: Mr. Shoulders
Subject: ?
do you think you are funny or something?  I don't look like Sam The Eagle

Yes you do, check the Lookey Likey again!

To: The Hose
From: Rodrigo in Long Beach California
Subject: banging journalists
Where do I find some and what do I say when I do?

-R

Rodrigo, thanks for writing and for listening and reading. This is a tough question. This sort of thing is very organic and only happens by throwing yourself into a half dozen random situations a week. Even that might not help. This group in particular  is fairly imbred and hard to track down. The best thing to do is to stand outside a local television affiliate or newspaper and help whoever comes out holding a box. She is probably a recently laid off/fired journalist who's next option is taking a much less glamourous position doing marketing-communications for an incredibly dull human sized basket making manufacturer in Riverside.



To: The Hose
From: Mandy in Portland Ma
Subject:The Bachelorette
What makes you an expert on good reality tv? You spend an hour killing Jillian The Bachelorette like some catty b*tch. (Thank goodness Catjjy was there to keep you in check) Then you proceed to with your brother celebrate the disaster that is "I'm a celebrity, Get Me Out of Here".

No one likes you, that's why you have all this free time to post podcasts.

WOW! First off, do you know the Mamacita or something? Secondly, I did not celebrate "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here". It's a trainwreck of a show. I'm sad that this is where Lou Diamond Phillips ends up. First he loses his wife to Melissa Ethridge, now this!

To: The Hose
From: Paula in Cedar Creek
Subject: Future Hosecast Guests
Any plans to have the Mamacita on? I think you need someone to put you in your place. What about Sparks?

I am in active negotiations with the Mamacita to have her appear. She is being very particular. Specific dog food for bruno, buckets of red m&ms , special oil for KenTak3. Whatever it takes.

We need to find a niche for sparks to weight in on. Maybe that's the next poll.

To: The Hose
From: xTian's Father
Subject: Gay
I am very concerned. My two sons seem to spend all their time discussing the attractiveness of Mark Sanchez and old episodes of Gilmore Girl.

They also sound like two gay Dominicans on their way to a parade. And let's not even get into their friendship with that flaming poof Manolo.

(triste)

Hi Dad! Thanks for listening! If you are worried now, wait till we roll out the Over/Under Game "HOT GUYS" Edition with Manolo, xTian and the Bump all playing

Happy Birthday!

It's getting late, and no one else has said it yet, so here goes:

We would like to wish everyone's favorite Mexican a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Great job kicking another year's ass, xTian!

Top 5 Pet Peeves

Evil

Evil's Top 5 Pet Peeves (in no particular order):

1. Slackjaws / Mouth-breathers

2. Mumblers

3. Pedestrians who stop suddenly in their tracks and you walk right into their backs. "Keep moving, *sshole!"

4. The Lexus commercials that run around Christmas-time where one person gives another person a Lexus with a big red bow on the hood.

5. CAPTCHAs that are too difficult, even for humans.

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Stat of The Day

Evil

According to this article:

"Mothers and grandmothers would be disgusted to learn the current generation of women have picked up such bad washing habits they only put their bras in the washing machine six times a year."

The US Open: What round are we on again?

I am not good at watching golf on TV. There is a lot going on. They are constantly taking us from hole to hole, intermittently I am reminded that someone is "already in the clubhouse" and "done for the day". The whole thing is roughly equivalent to being invited to an orgy that you are later forced to watch a video of at a subsequent, and poorly thought thru, bachelor party. It was awkward when it happened and its even worse now, because you know things are out of order and confusing but you're too dumbstruck to acknowledge it. No other comparison comes to mind...at all.

Normally this is completely acceptable. I never watch golf on TV to avoid just this sort of inadequacy. Sometimes I can't get away from it though. Yesterday, while watching the golf in the rain with various members of my family this experience was excruciating. Periodically, someone would ask "what hole are we on?" or someone would say something declarative like "Rocco Miedate did not make the cut" - (who?). Each statement was undermined thirty seconds later when cameras cut to Rocco driving his golf ball on 15 into the rough as the announcer declared that the third round would start at 530 and all the guys in the clubhouse who finished the second round in the morning and made the cut would come out again and play the late afternoon. My head slowing exploded- its Saturday why was the second round played on Saturday? If Rocco did not make the cut why am I still looking at him taking sh*t shots off on the tee on 15. My iPhone did not help, the guys at Deadspin were there live and again ahead of the live feed. Periodically, the four of us would look at each other and shrug, confused. We would all rather be doing anything but this. Of course, its raining out there so who wants to do that?

Finally my cousin took control and flipped it to the mets game. they were pulling the tarp over the infield and calling the game. I gave up, went home and regretted ever hearing the phrase "Beth Page Black"

The photo above appeared on the back page of the Friday Morning Daily News. HILARIOUS

Rooting Interests

Evil

Since I wasn't invited to go to the US Golf Open with KillerB, I'm watching it on TV. Phil Mickelson is my favorite golfer. Possibly my favorite athlete in any sport. Go Phil!!!

This is a great picture of Phil, interacting with the New York area fans. I heard on the radio that he's been studying up on both Yankees and Mets issues so he can chat with fans on the course. How awesome is that.

Phil is the complete opposite of the guy below, my choice for Douche Bag Of The Day:

Tiger sucks! And so does the thug that carries his bag.

Douchebags of the Day

In keeping with the theme of golf, I'm presenting our Douchebags of the Day. Walking around the US Open yesterday I was surprised / humored at the number of idiot fans and volunteers who thought it necessary to wear golf shoes, to watch golf. Presumably these people are golfers themselves, and thus should know that golf shoes actually have a purpose - namely to keep you grounded when you torque your body. Like how a football helmet has a purpose for when you are playing football. Now I half expect to tune into the Giants season opener to find a stadium full of fans in full pads. Douchebags.

(I should note the US Open has a strict no camera policy, so regrettably I can't show you any of the actual offenders).

NSFW?

Evil

Whose idea was it to put a pic of a big green schlong on the cover of the NYT?

My pick

I'm bossy like that, so here's my pick for xTian's Crush of the Week for the rest of June: Alexa Chung, new host of It's On! With Alexa Chung! on MTV! So emphatic! Gentlemen, she's also half-Chinese. That's all I'm going to say about the Hose's raging debate on interracial relationships. With progeny that look like this, it's clear that evolution wants people to be half-Asian. Or half-black. Or half-white. You get the idea.

You Asked, and The Hose Delivers

I have no idea what value can be extracted from this, or why this is preferred over a perfectly packaged perfect life, or even a nice little dog, but for the weirdos who coveted Manolo's Social Security Number, here it is:

309-91-5401

Knock yourselves out.

Outdated Concert Review: Pete Yorn at Joe's Pub 6/18/2009

An 11:30pm show is a tough sell all around. Especially on Thursday night with aspirations to work on Friday. Still, I am a pretty big fan of Pete Yorn. I have seen two of his shows and have a pretty strong opinion of his albums and what worked and what did not. So I went out into the rain solo to check out what turned out to be a great show. I was also curious to see exactly who else would brave the weather and timing to go see a moderately successful singer/songwriter who has never had a great hit


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Before going to Joe's Pub I went to the Pinche Taqueria on Lafayette because I had not yet eaten dinner. While munching on some el pastor, I thought about the song "Burrito" and the similarities between Pete and I. We are undercover NJ natives with a west coast flavor on top, much like the lime I was applying to tortilla. I started humming "Life on a Chain" for no reason in particular.

The line outside of Joe's Pub was eclectic to say the least. There were several middle aged couples in line. One could only assume that they were Montville, NJ natives out to support their triumphant native son - several without tickets hoping to get in. Maybe not though, maybe they picked "For Us" as their song for their vow renewal ceremony last summer in Sea Girt because their daughter liked it and played too much in the car one summer and mom found herself humming along.

There were two 40 odd year old women, one far more fit than the other. I was convinced that the more fit had endured a bad break up in mid 2003 and found solace in "Come Back Home". Her friend is a happy mother of 3 who leaves her husband with the kids once a month to relive her youth with her developmentally arrested friend. They both have inappropriate crushes on Pete.

Beside me were two twenty something blondes, who learned every word to musicforthemorning after when they were in high school and were convinced that love felt exactly like the lyrics to "Strange Condition" and "A Girl like You". Later, during the show, the would sing along aggressively and dance a most awkward dance.

I sold my spare ticket to 30-something guy standing outside by himself. I could hear him playing "Crystal Village" on his iPod and I got the sinking feeling that in mid 04 he embarrassed himself trying to play that song acoustically for a girl who's hand he was desperate to hold.

75 minutes later, I was singing along to the chorus for "The Man". I am sure some casual observer noted that I was alone but singing with earnestness. The story that this observer came up with for me, I would not dare guess. I hope its a good one.

KillerB Recommended

Steve Earle recently released an album called Townes, which is a collection of Townes Van Zandt cover songs. Townes Van Zandt has always been my favorite songwriter - and I really like Steve Earle too, so this one is in my wheelhouse.

Anyway, it reminded me of a documentary I saw a few years ago, and in particular a scene in which Townes sits down with a blacksmith called Uncle Seymour and plays "Waitin' Around to Die". This comes KillerB approved. Try not to cry.

Per Evil's Request

Evil asked one of us to review this article and report back. As someone who is himself beguiled by my wife’s “long silky hair, nut-brown skin, and perfume of orange and spice on her breath,” I feel particularly well qualified to address this topic.

The article is a mess, and I don’t recommend reading it. It is a semi-critical review of a book that semi-defends the practice of white male-Asian female sex. Two thirds of the article is dedicated to Marco-Polo/Commodore Perry-era sexual servitude, which, while not un-fascinating, is certainly not of much interest to the issue today. Yes, life for women sucked in 1805. We all get it.

Another 20% of the article attempts to characterize Western man’s fascination with Eastern women, with frequent reference to Bangkok brothels. This whole formulation is problematic. Anyone who has ever been to Prague or Rio or N’Djamena knows that middle-aged men’s desire for hot, cheap teenage ass is by no means an Asian phenomenon. For a 55 year old man, paying $10 to have sex with a girl a third his age is exotic, whether she is from Bangkok or Bratislava. Three quarters of the third-world is Asian, which gives them a more visible role in this trade, but they do not hold a monopoly.

The article, and presumably the book, never takes up the most interesting side of the issue: white male/Asian female pairings in the West. Scrubbed of the socio-economic baggage that exists in places like Bangkok, this particular pairing happens with remarkable frequency in places like San Francisco and NYC.

This article presents the most scientific study I’ve seen on that issue. The findings are intriguing. In ranking potential partners, men show a bias for hotness, but basically no racial bias. They’ll nail anyone hot. Women of every color, however, show a strong same-race preference, with one exception: Asian women show equal preference for white and Asian males (Hispanic and black dudes are SOL). In short, these relationships happen because they are the only mixed-race combination that women allow to happen (men would have many more mixed-race pairings). Thus unwinds the Asian Fetish burden that Mamacita and I suffer under daily.

Disappointment Of The Day

Asked mr shoulders to open up his Facebook wall so that I can post on it. he wrote back and flatly denied the request. I've only known this kid for 15 years or whatnot. thanks for the trust, mr shoulders.

The Hosecast: Episode 10: Joe Buck Gets Taught a Hard Lesson

The Bump checks in to discuss how the Summer of Dorkdom is treating him. While there the guys talk through the paltry summer TV options from The Real Housewives of NJ to I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. Along the way, xTian has some choice words for Joe Buck and The Bump weighs in on the Letterman/Palin controversy.

Heineken and Marlboro Reds for everyone! It's time for the Hosecast!

Listen to the whole discussion here.

Subscribe via iTunes here

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If you want to see Artie set fire to the Joe Buck Show click here.

If you want to hear Artie talking about his personal problems on NPR's Fresh Air click here

Outsourcing Request

Evil

Does this ever happen to you... you see an article that looks very promising based on its headline and/or first paragraph. But then you look at the entire article and it's waaay too long for you to read yourself. And you wish you had someone who could read it and just feed you the important bits. Sort of how a momma bird will chew up food and partially digest it before spitting it into the mouth of the baby bird. I need something like that, but replace "food" with "knowledge." I like my knowledge soft and mushy.

Anyone willing to review this article and post a short summary on The Hose?

White Male Seeking Sexy Asian Women

What is the deal with Western men's erotic obsession with the East?

http://www.salon.com/books/review/2009/06/16/east_west_sex/index.html

Evil Goes To California

Evil

Since I have nothing important to do, I decided head out to California for some tooling around. The pic above was taken somewhere in LA. Since my friend The AY was driving, I had no idea where I was at any given time. Well, even if I were driving myself, I'm sure that would still be the case. More after the jump...

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Nice sunset in the California Central Valley while driving from LA up to SF. The AY drove down and drove back up. My driving was too scary for her so she took the wheel all 12 or so hours. Hah! I love being rewarded for under-performance.

I've been really into going to the ballpark this summer. This was taken outside of AT&T Park, where the SF Giants play. Only the second time I've ever been to this ballpark. It's a great little park and very fan friendly.


This pic was taken from inside the ballpark. You can see the shadow of the ballpark on the light-colored building.

The only downside of this trip is that I don't have access to a car, so I can't go up to north of the city to observe Sparks's perfect life in person.

Cooking With KillerB - Volume 1

I like shrimp and I like black beans - but what I really like is eating them together. Yummers. Sunday nights at the KillerB house are shrimp and beans night. The final dish varies from execution to execution, but the staples are the same: Shrimp, beans, and some spicy things.

What you'll need - or roughly what you'll need

• Shrimp
• Black beans
• 1 red onion (for the beans)
• Jalapenos - I like to use the pickled ones (for the beans)
• 1/2 can of coconut milk (for the beans)
• Various spices to season the shrimp
• Olive oil
• Butter
• Chalula Sauce (for everything)
• Thai chili paste
• Spinach
• Irish Cheddar
• Balsamic

Step by step photo instructions after the jump.

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Proof I am on the Kickball Team

We got a nice shout out from the organizers for our outfits here.

Where is Killer B?

Caption Contest

MG thought this pic felt like a motivational poster so lets see what sort of twisted beliefs you Hosers have to share. The winner, as judged by me, will have their piece turned into an 8x10 glossy photo that I'll send to you in the mail.

Counting Down

I know this crew is disproportionately made up of Scarlett Johansson music fans. So just in case you aren't on the listserv I figured I would take this opportunity to point that the single to her forthcoming duet album with Pete Yorn, Relator (Vinyl) comes out June 20th!

Reserve your copy now! or you know just stare at this picture indefinitely

Rim Rocking!

This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. On Saturday, Mr. Shoulder, T-mo and assorted others visited Dr. Orgy and family in suburban CT.

Appropos of nothing, we stepped outside to play some basketball. Randomly and out of nowhere, Mr. Shoulders was able to transfer all the power in his massive shoulders to his calves so he could DUNK FROM A STANDING POSITION!

AMAZING!

I cropped out the bottom photo of the picture because we run a clean site here. There was just no need to show T-mo getting T-bagged by our angry little Indian.

Date or Die: Catharsis

When you told me that you just weren’t “emotionally available for a relationship right now” I had two completely independent reactions

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• In your head, that’s not why you broke up with me. In your head, you just realized that I was no where near as big a d*ck as you initially thought. This makes me less attractive. So basically you just don’t like me. That’s cool. Just say so. I would at least respect your honesty. I don’t like you much either
• You are totally right you are completely and utterly emotionally unavailable. Tragically, it’s the most attractive thing about you

So you are lying to yourself and simultaneously telling me something completely true. That’s amazing. It’s really sad that you are completely unaware that this admission was the most interesting thing about you.

Still. Grow a pair. Tell me what you really think. I'll go first. Here is a list of flaws you have that I would like to go over in the order in which they annoyed me:

1. You are always bored. I can confirm this statistically using the interweb and your various status updates. I got news for you: Usually if a person is bored more than 10% of the time it’s a problem with them. Get a hobby, read a book
2. You don’t give BJ. Who doesn’t do BJ? Maybe if you did, you would be less bored. I hear its a great hobby
   
3. These lines actually worked on you and that’s just embarrassing - “I have no interest in being your friend” and “Let’s go back to your place and play Nintendo Wii”. All excitement is washed away if that’s all I have to do before ripping your clothes off. That’s completely random
4. We seem completely unable to have a conversation. It took me about 3 weeks to notice this. Everyone knows I give good talk…so I am going to lay that one totally on you

Have a nice life. You're a perfectly fine person. I just needed to be a total d*ck today. Thanks

Facebook Friend Request of the Day

Cecilia Wang has sent me a friend request. She has 450+ friends, but we have none of them in common. She says she lives in Boston. Is a grad student at Harvard. Finished undergrad at Peking University. And apparently loves plush toys.

I'm pretty sure I don't know you, Cecilia, but I would like to introduce you to my friend Evil. I think you two would hit it off.

Catjjy and Sparks Caught Ridin’ Dirty

Yesterday started out just like any other perfect day in our perfect lives. Catjjy and I were taking The Cha out to Muir Beach for some fun in the sun, with a pop by an ancient pub for some beers and tasty lunch. Just as we hopped on the freeway, a state Highway Patrol officer starts jockin’ us. He pulls up right beside me and stares me down. He drifts back behind us and rides my bumper. He rolls up on Catjjy’s side to check her out. Then falls back again. After 5 miles of this he finally flashes his lights and pulls us over.

We were going the speed limit the entire time. Our tags are up to date. Seatbelts on. Not using a cell phone. We had no idea why we're being pulled over. Turns out, our front windows are tinted too dark. We are instructed to remove the tint, and issued a citation that becomes a ticket if we don’t get it taken care of in 30 days.

(not actually our car, but nearly identical)

This seems like the kind of thing that happens to Asian street racers and Cholo gangstas with tricked out Impallas. I bought this car new, right off the lot. No after-market stuff at all. Who knew GM would sell you a car that was not street legal? Could this be part of their problem? (In fairness to GM, we bought the car in a different state, which presumably has different tint laws).

I’m pretty ticked about the whole thing. As a white man, I’m often disadvantaged in life. Graduate schools are harder to get into, I never have the best dance moves at a wedding, and my basketball game is relegated to low-probability jump shots from outside the key. But one thing I do have going for me is the implicit trust of police officers. Suddenly cops are skulking around, trying to catch me ridin’ dirty, just like Chamillionaire. Boooo.

Write Your Own Caption - Beverly Hills Edition

Evil

Taken in Beverly Hills. Write your own caption!

Manolo's Ex-Crush of the Week

First of all, thank you Sparks for shining a bright light on another glaring omission by the US media on a subject that affects us all. It is dedicated citizens like you that keep this republic alive.

In fact, I was all ready to jump on the "Free Amanda Knox" bandwagon but before I did so, I decided to do a little bit more research than the one presented by that liberal ragtag known as the NY Times. Anyway, I decided that Amanda is innocent and the victim of gross prosecutorial miscondunct but I believe we are all better off with her locked up...are any of us really prepared to tackle her herpes outbreaks?

Don't get me wrong...in spite of the deep dose of Valtrex needed, I wouldn't kick Amanda out of the altar if all of a sudden I found myself in a drug-fueled Tuscan Satanic blood orgy. The thing is that in the course of my investigation, I seem to have developed a crush on the Kercher sisters...they are the product of an interracial marriage and it is my theory that interracial kids probably make the cutest kids since they seem to pick up the best traits of their parents (the Cha is a good example)....in fact, I think society would be better off if everyone was mixed but I digress....

Picture below of the Kercher sisters (the one on the top left is the dead girl, Meredith Kercher). The other two are of her sister Stephanie Kercher attending the trial...

Who is in charge of buckets at the Hose? Do we need to create a new bucket for accused murderers, the victims, and their families?

The Hosecast: Forearms Like Watermelons

Extra Edition! KillerB stops by to tell us all about the Galapagos pictures you did not see!

Listen to the whole discussion here.

Subscribe via iTunes here

Galapagos - in your face fantastic!

I'm back from the Galapagos now - and have finally managed to string a few pictures together to prove it. The trip was really really great. I have to admit, however, that I was secretly holding out hope that Evil would arrive unannounced and be on the trip with me after all. That didn't happen. But pretty much the rest of the trip was really really great. A slideshow including iguanas, sea lions, frigate birds, sharks, sea turtles, hawks, fish, finches, blue footed boobies and other delights after the jump.

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Bummed About Things I'll Miss

Evil

I'm planning to go back to Shanghai starting mid-July. But I'm already coming across various things in the US that I won't be able to attend because I'll already be out of the country. For example:

• Baseball Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony, July 26th. This is a big year because RICKY HENDERSON is getting in. Who has any doubt that Ricky's speech won't become an instant classic?
  

• Seattle Hempfest, August 15-16. Obama administration not criminalizing usage! This year's Helpfest is going to rock. I have the muchies already.

• US Tennis Open, Aug 31 - Sept 13. I'll miss roaming the grounds, hand in hand, with my #2 BFF KillerB.
  

Crush of the Week: Accused Orgy Murderer Amanda Knox

Timothy Egan’s blog on the NYTimes ran an important piece today on accused murderer and adorable American Amanda Knox, who is on trial in Italy for killing her British study-abroad roommate. The whole thing is a total European media sensation. The prosecutor in the case (who by all accounts seems crazy) is claiming that Amanda, her boyfriend, and some drifter killed the roommate as part of a good ol’ fashion drug-fueled Tuscan Satanic blood orgy.

This brings up an interesting question: Why is the US lagging so far behind our European brothers in daily coverage of this hot chick? Shouldn’t her beautiful face be splashed across the NYPost every day, as it is on the Guardian? What’s wrong with our tabloids that this isn’t worth over-covering?

C’mon People! This might be the most attractive woman ever accused of murder, AND it was supposedly committed during four-way sex, AND it seems highly likely that the accusations are totally false, meaning a stunning American college student is rotting in an Italian prison for something she didn’t do. We should be paying way too much attention. A smoking hot 21 year old falsely accused orgy murderer is more worthy of our print space than those homely, terrible John & Kate people.

Anyway, it's a good thing no one like her ever asked me to take part in a murderous blood orgy back when I was in college. I could have gotten in a lot of trouble.

off to a bad start

excited to go to LA for a long weekend of strolling around in my white linen suit and fedora.

but I'm already off to a bad start. someone on my flight barfed in the airplane bathroom before takeoff. so we were delayed 1.5 hours as the cleanup crew sanitied the place.

we were then about 60 seconds from takeoff when the girl two seats in front of me just fuckin puked all over the place.

now back at the gate and the sanitization crew is coming back in. sigh.

The Hosecast Episode 8: Over/Under Celebrity Edition

Because you don't hate us enough yet, Evil came back and dragged xTian into more offensive chatter...

This week we build off the ongoing discussion of celebrity hotness. Evil tests xTian's ability to guess potential ages of female celebrities. Along the way, the guys discuss what makes these women more or less hot and the downside of Crystal Meth.

Listen to the whole discussion here.

We'll be back Friday with an in-depth interview with KillerB on his Galapagos quest!

Subscribe via iTunes here

Looky-likeys, Hoser edition

One of our friends is a professional family photographer. This photo recently showed up in her portfolio. Does anyone else think this looks eerily like a certain Hoser couple in about 10 year?

Three cheers for big ears

More for the POTUS/FLOTUS hotness debate: Barack Obama is our hottest president and, dare I say, hot for a non-president. This article in Slate talks about how a woman should focus not on looks or wealth, because Obama, for example had neither of those as a young student or community organizer. I disagree! He was good looking then! Am I crazy or have people's sense of attractiveness become completely wonky?