The Trip From Bundi To Jaipur

Evil

The two-lane road from Bundi to Jaipur is unremarkable. It's paved, but not well-maintained so it makes for a bumpy ride. I got an early start yesterday for the 180 km bus ride. It's not a particularly long distance but I was told it would take about 5 hours. The lanes of this road are narrow, especially considering that it's mostly used by buses and transport trucks. The buses generally go faster than the trucks. There's a lot of passing, which of course means cutting over the the lane of oncoming traffic. I've seen many close class so far in India, but no actual accidents. Until yesterday, on the trip from Bundi to Jaipur.

First was an overturned public bus on the side of the road. It had already been evacuated, but I imagine the accident couldnt be more than 24 hours old. Next was the wreckage of a head-on collision between a truck and a public bus. The damage was pretty bad. The front ends of both vehicles were smashed. Next was a dead camel, apparently hit by a car. And after that, two more truck wrecks on the side of the road.

I was starting to feel uneasy and wondering if my bus might be next. (If I die, XTIAN can have my baseball card collection, but he has to promise to go to my apartment and delete the porn from my laptop before my parents get there.)

When I was about 60km outside of Jaipur, I came across a man, fully prostrate, on the ground. The bus stopped. I watched the man as he got up to his feet. He took a single step forward. He was a lanky man of average height. He wore a small backpack, with a red pennant flag sticking up from the top. His clothes were worn, but not tattered. He got on his knees and then prostrated himself again. The bus -- any bus -- could have easily run him over if the bus driver were not alert. I watched him repeat this movement over and over... taking one step and prostrating.

One of the passengers got off the bus to get his story. Turns out that the man is from a small village in central India. He's making his way to a temple in the north of India, prostrating with every step. He talked about how his mother fell ill some time ago. They were from a family of means, relatively. But despite spending all of their family's money on medical treatments, the mother's health showed no signs of improvement. So the man, in desperation, prayed for his mother's health. He promised that if his mother could somehow return to health, he would make a pilgrimage from his home to a far away temple. The day after his prayer, his mother began to feel better. A month passed and his mother was back to perfect health.

He said that he's on month 3 of his pilgramage. He estimates he has 5 more months to go. He carries a change of clothes in his small backpack. And he survives on the kindness of strangers. He says that restaurants will recognize that he's on a pilgramage and bring food out to him. He says that hotels will sometimes invite him to stay for free. Otherwise, he sleeps on the roadside, covered by a thin blanket, which he also keeps in his backpack. He says that the journey has been long, but he hasn't been fallen by fatigue or ill health.

The rest of the trip was uneventful, which I consider good news.

India Update

Evil

Still in India. Still have a full month left here. I wanna go home! Waaaah!

OK, it's not that bad. India is beautiful actually. And I think I've got some excellent photos. My (ex) co-workers bought me a digital SLR as a going away present (how awesome of them!) so my pictures wouldn't turn out crappy. One of the guys said, "this camera will instantly make you a 2x better photographer." And he's right!

In Pushkar today. I went down to the lake where they do the prayers and this dude taught me how to say a prayer (for a donation, of course). He had a really effective sales strategy. His best line was, "This is for karma. Money is just paper. Money comes and goes." It's true. For a small fee, he taught me a prayer and gave me some flowers to throw into the lake. Then he tied a yellow and red string on my right wrist and also put a red mark on my forehead. At the end he asked me if i felt peaceful and I said Yes.

On a different topic: Is there resolution on the New Years Eve party topic? Is KenTak and Mamacita hosting or what???

check out my mom snorkling!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Need Help!

Evil

I'm in India through Christmas eve, so that means I have to do all my Christmas shopping online. I have no idea what to get for my family. Can you Hosers help me out with some suggestions??? Gifts for:

- my dad
- my mom (or a combined parents gift)
- my sister
- my brother
- my nephew and niece (sister's kids)
- my brother's girlfriend

Thanks!

WTF? Falling Apart Without Me?

Evil

Xtian and Mamacita are not properly minding the ship! Cmon On, People!

In Udaipur today. I learned that India is far behind most of the world in terms of stamp technology. Went to the post office today to buy stamps for post cards. I didn't expect to get the sticker stamps, like we have in the US. But what I discovered was that stamps in India don't even have glue on the back!!! WTF? I had to borrow a glue stick from the hotel front desk.

Trading in My Ethnic Identity for a Soggy Subway sandwhich

As I was describing this to Buck, he started pulling up Facebook.

"what are you doing?"
"I'm trying to figure out what chick you are doing this nonsense for. She's got to be hot"

"I'm not sure I understand..."

"You're stupid...you're brown. You're probably the only brown guy there."

"No, not at all...The guy who was teaching it is like Algerian or something. Although apparently, he's a professional dancer"

Buck was half right. Apparently, its Ball Season, and I'm going to be busting a move in a ball in tuxedo whites (which means tails and gloves...I just learned that!). Ostensibly, our good friend Le Troisième, put me on to this, but only with promise of bangable chicks.

I arrived promptly, at 18:45 in a sharp suit. I felt clean. It makes me feel good. Now Le Troisième had mentioned to me that he was very interested in a certain lady and showed me her on facebook to prove her worth and described her as a representative sample of the sort of women there. Many of the women there were admittedly good looking. The guys, a bit schleppy. Me in a schleppy crowd, more points for me. I'm also not in a majority at all. There's a Colombian looking chick off to the side, but given where we were I had mis-categorized her as Persian, which I would have looked upon as a plus...because I hate myself and my people.

Without much effort I was paired with Le Troisième's dream girl. She was a good height to pair with me anyway. This bodes well. My friend, a man of refined tastes, sold the girl short. She was amazing looking. I was eager to see him do well and perfectly willing to enable this. I lie. I have no interest in such a thing at all.

She asked me who invited me to participate (its a big word of mouth thing). I mentioned Le Troisième by name.

"oh, I met him last week. He's very nice"

We were mid dance but I heard her just fine. I thought quickly about how to stick myself into this mix...

"Did you say [Le Troisième] is funny?"

"No I said NICE"

"Oh, Agreed! He's very nice. But he's not at all funny"

She smiled. It was a nervous but intrigued smile. Or so my warped mind convinced me.

Extra Points: I ran into a guy I had a met a few times before. I was at a party and he had come accompanying a woman I knew. At some point she dragged me into a restroom so we could have a one sided argument, she argued I watched her pee, no money changed hands. He stood outside the door, knocking...like a chump. He acted as though he did not know me till I shouted something he would remember vaguely. I asked after our shared friend and he mumbled something about a "falling out"...he quickly introduced me to some other guy and hurried away. I love doing sh*t like that to people.

Pervs

Evil
Wow, the results are in. You Hosers are overwhelmingly perverted and amoral. Congrats!

So Mamacita, now that the poll has closed... tell us what REALLY happened. And when are you hosting the next screening of this porn video?

Weird vs Weirder

Evil

What's weirder: that ex-Mets outfielder Lenny "Nails" Dykstra has a regular stock-picking column on TheStreet.com... or... that Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling is a judge on the upcoming tech entrepreneurialism contest, You Be The VC. What's next? I'm putting my money on ex-Met free agent bust Mo Vaughn transforming into a successful housing developer in New York City. Crap, that's already happened? OK, then I'm going to put my money on ex Red Sox pitcher Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd inventing a radical new medical procedure that revolutionizes the rotator cuff surgery. This new technique will reduce the typical recovery time for Major League Baseball pitchers from 1 season down to 2 months. And appropriately, the surgery will be called "Oil Can Surgery."

Somebody Burn Boston To The Ground Already

Evil

Stop it! Stop piling on, Boston! Screw you! First the Red Sox win the world series. Then the Patriots look like they're going to go 100 straight games without a loss and beat every opponent by 12 touchdowns. Now the Boston Celtics are 8-0 to start the NBA season. If Harvard beats Yale this weekend to take the Ivy League Championship, I might have to slit my wrists.

Will somebody burn Boston to the ground already? Will a hurricane go devastate the city, please? Can we send locusts? Can we hit them with the one-two punch of civil mismanagement known as Ed Koch and David Dinkins?

What is this you say? Oh, they have Evil Twin #1 terrorizing their citizens? OK, that's pretty bad.

Correction: In my original post, the last paragraph referred to "Evil Twin #2." I really meant Evil Twin #1. That's been corrected now. Sorry to throw off the first two commenters, Dr. Cosby and Mrs. Huxtable.

A Day in Delhi

Evil

Was easing into the India thing yesterday, so didn't do anything too hectic. Here, you can hire a driver to drive you around for about $20/day. Good deal! Got sort of a late start yesterday because I was just putzing around my hotel room. But eventually made it into Delhi to visit the Mahatma Gandhi Museum, the Samadhis of Mahatma Gandhi, Indira Gandhi, and Rajiv Gandhi. I ended the day at the National History Museum.

The Mahatma Gandhi Museum rocks. If you love Gandhi (and who doesn't?), this is the place to be. They have an amazing collection of photographs from every period of Gandhi's life. Even more impressive, they a crapload of Gandhi artifacts, like towels that he's used, various blankets and bedsheets, old wooden sandals, old leather sandals, monocles, the walking stick he used on the March to Dandi, and even the blood-stained clothing from his assassination. Luckily, the Museum got a hold of all these items before eBay was invented. As comprehensive as the museum was, I'm surprised that they didn't mention the controversy about the Father of the Indian Nation not being full Indian, rather, being some British bloke with sketchy-at-best "Indian lineage." Oh well. The Museum is still great.

And the New York Times is totally right. There are monkeys everywhere!

How Smart Are You?

Let's see who's smart and who is not. Apparently this is an IQ test given to job applicants in China:

"Everybody has to cross the river". The following rules apply:
1. Only 2 persons on the raft at a time
2. The father can not stay with any of the daughters without their mother's presence .
3. The mother can not stay with any of the sons without their father's presence
4. The thief (striped shirt) can not stay with any family member if the Policeman is not there
5. Only the Father, the Mother and the Policeman know how to operate the raft
6. To start click on the big blue circle on the right.
7. To move the people click on them.
8. To move the raft click on the pole on the opposite side of the river.

http://freeweb.siol.net/danej/riverIQGame.swf

First Impressions

Evil

Landed at the Delhi airport. India is hazy. At least, it is tonight.

Evil's Tip Of The Day

Evil

Let's say you're single and in the dating scene. Let's say you meet a girl and things are going well. You get to a point in your dating progression where she says, "Hey, why don't you come over Saturday night. I'll cook you dinner."

This is a good sign, as any dolt can figure. But here's where your average guy will mess the whole thing up: DO NOT, under any circumstances, compliment her on her cooking! Why not? Because she's expecting you to. And if you do, you're playing right into her hands. She won't have any respect for you. And frankly, the vast majority of girls I've met are average cooks AT BEST. That means they're almost always insecure about their cooking skills. So if you don't compliment the cooking, it'll leave her longing. All through dinner, she'll be waiting for the words, "Mmm, so this so good." Her insecurity will compell her to satisfy you in other ways.

I told this to XTIAN and J1m Wh1te. XTIAN was doubtful. But J1m Wh1te was outright offended, dare I say, borderline violent. "How can you do such a thing? That's just. not. right!"

I'll tell you this: I've cooked for people plenty of times. And in none of those times have I done it for the compliment. I do it because I enjoy the process of cooking and if people are around to share in the food, then all the better!

So take it from me, Hosers. Use my tip. It's a good one.

Evil Twin #2 Is Back!

Evil

She's back. The polling feature on this site was suspiciously quiet while ET #2 was away. I think she was somehow voting for 8 people.

Lofty Goals

I'm trying to learn Japanese, and I think it's going to be quite difficult. I ordered my first book today from ebay called Dog Wear & Goods. Here are some sample pages that successfully scored the sale. Those Japanese are so creative!

Someone's Estrogen Level Is High

Evil



I'm leaving for India in two days. Try not to miss me as much as XTIAN apparently will. Check out this email exchange from earlier today...

From: XTIAN (7:52am)
when do you actually leave?

From: Evil (8:08am)
weds afternoon

From: XTIAN (8:24am)
I hope we see each other again. If we cross paths in another universe, we should stop and say hello.

From: Evil (8:34am)
what? are you drunk?

From: XTIAN (8:35am)
lil bit

In retrospect, I now do believe that XTIAN was drunk... drunk on his love for me!

Feelin' Olympian

Evil

Just booked my flight to Beijing for the summer Olympics. No, not as a participant. I know how you could have thought that, with my world class physique and all. But I'll just be a spectator. My friend the AY has 4 sets of tickets to 10 events, so she said I could have an entire set if I get myself to Beijing. Done!

Unemployment, Day 5 (Yesterday)

Evil
The day itself was uneventful, the highlight being a nap that I took on my couch at around 2pm. I didn't leave the apartment while the sun was still out. And why should I? That's the beauty of being unemployed.

I had dinner plans for 9:30pm. Meeting Mamacita, KenTak3, XTIAN, and Mr. Shoulders at the Kobe Club. I met up with XTIAN an hour beforehand at the Borders book store because he needed to pick up a book... a book on hiking trails in the NY/NJ/PA area. Come On, People! This is what the Internet is for? Who wants a 3 year old book on hiking trails? That stuff is NOT still there. Also, who goes hiking in 40 degree weather? XTIAN invited me on this potential death march, but I was smart enough to decline. ("Sorry man, gotta stay home to watch TV and play Guitar Hero.") BTW- If you caught this week's episode of The Office, then you can pretty much imagine how XTIAN's day in the woods will turn out.

While at Borders, I wanted to show XTIAN all the wacky biographies that are currently out. I had been browsing through some of them while waiting for him to show up, but with my bad spatial orientation, I had totally forgotten where the biographies section was. So I hailed the nearest store help, a thing, hip-looking chick with red glasses and asked where the biographies section is.

"We don't have a biography section," she said.

"Yes, you do. I was just there," I said.

At this point, her co-worker, a rail-thin, idie-rock book shelver cut in and said, "Umm, well. We sort of have a biographies section. It's really New & Notables, I think. But it's right there in front of the cafe area." The girl shot daggers at him with her eyes. He makes this gesture with his shoulders and eyebrows as if to say, "WTF? I'm just trying to help. Biotch."

We walk to the cafe area and sure enough, there's five shelves full of biographies. The sign above the shelves even says "Biographies & Memoirs." How is this not a biographies section!

Anyway, here's some recommended reading if you're into reading about people other than me.

WWE Superstars Chris Jericho and "The Animal" Batista have new biographies out because everyone loves roided up men in spandex.

If you're into self-absorbed athletes, pick up Tiki Barber's book. Half of it is pictures of him sweaty and shirtless. That's not gay or anything. BTW- what's with that ridiculous cover photo? It looks like he's sneakily picking his nose. For a more entertaining football read, pick up Michael Strahan's bio. Don't let this gap-toothed oaf fool you, he's got lots of charisma. Sort of like Shrek.

On the more artsy side, don't miss Patty Boyd's bio. Who's Patty Boyd, you might be asking. If you believe what's on the book jacket, then Patty Boyd is "an acclaimed photographer." HAH! Here's a better reference: if you've seen the movie Almost Famous, she's the real person behind the Penny Lane character (played Kate Hudson). The real story behind Patty Body is that 40 years ago, she had the most desirable vagina in the entire music scene. I hope this book was written by her privates!

And then there was dinner itself. We all ate lots of meat. Mr. Shoulders confided in Mamacita about his woman issues and she gave him some good advice. Let's hope that little punk follows through. XTIAN was well-behaved for once, but KenTak3 definitely was not! I think someone messed with KenTak3's programming prior to dinner and inserted some codes for "drink like a maniac." I guess even robots like to let it all hang out every once in a while.

You Love Me! You Love Me!

Evil

Yay! I win!

Thanks, all you Hosers. I love you too.

Unemployment, Day 4

Evil

Picked up my new glasses today and I think they look great! Slightly different look for me. I'm usually unsure about new glasses. It's so easy to pick the wrong ones and end up looking like a dork. But this time, I went to a glasses shop where the guy behind the counter was so over-the-top gay, lisp and all. That gave me instant confidence that I'd come away with cool glasses. And indeed, now that I have them, I think he did a great job.

Different topics...

Why did the writer's guild have to have a strike during my week of unemployment??? That's so F'ed up! No new Daily Shows and Colbert Reports. Not even any new Tonight Shows... that's how you know I'm desperate.

My old friend MG emailed me today. He wanted me to ask all you Hosers to help him find this toy: Aqua Dots. This "toy" contains the date rape drug, so stores are quickly pulling it off their shelves. But MG really wants this stuff, so if you can find it, please buy it for him and he'll pay you back. Thanks!

Hurtin'

Evil


My hands are hurtin' like a mo-fo! Been practicing every day. I mean, what else am I going to do, right? Go to work? HAHAHA.

Exercise In Futility?

Evil

Those of you who see me fairly regularly have probably noticed that I've been putting on weight. Here's the crazy thing... I've been working out with a personal trainer for the past year! But I just keep getting fatter and fatter. And the then other day, I finally realized what's going on. You see, my personal trainer is built just like David Wells (pictured above). And he's training me to have the same physique as him! Argh. That explains why he hardly ever has me do ab exercises. And even when he does, it's half assed crunches. But he does make me do a lot of leg stuff and upper body work, while ignoring my core. At this point, my core is almost as weak as XTIAN's morals.

Unemployment, Day 3

Evil

What is the time boundary between "a nap" and full-on "sleep"? These are the philosophical questions that I ponder during my unemployment. Actually, I just woke up from... err... well, I was going to call it a nap, but saying "two and a half hour nap" doesn't sound right. I wasn't born in this country so I don't have a lot of the cultural things nailed down. Can someone more American help clarify?

I haven't done much today, as you can probably surmise. I haven't even practiced Guitar Hero 3 for the day, yet. My hands hurts. Practicing takes so much work. Although I did watch various Guitar Hero 3 videos on YouTube. These people are soooo good! Here's one example.

I think I need to head out to Starbucks just to get out of the apartment for a little while. And also to check the mail.

Unemployment, Day 2

Evil


On my second day of unemployment, I finally got around to replacing my incandescent light bulbs with the new compact fluorescent ones. Hopefully, this will result in better eco-karma for me. One thing I didn't know about compact fluorescent bulbs before today: they come in some unmanagable sizes! Basically, the bulbs get bigger as the wattage goes up. Something that's the equivalent of a 100W light bulb is gigantic! It's like 9 inches long. Something this big doesn't fit everywhere that it needs to. So my apartment now isn't 100% converted to compact fluorescent, but I've done it everywhere I could.

Unemployment, Day 1

Evil


My trainer said, "If he were actually in good shape, I would really hate him."

I said, "Who?"

My trainer said, "Alec Baldwin. He just went down the stairs."

Like a starstruck tool, I scampered down the stairs to the weight room on the ground floor. Sure enough, there was Alec Baldwin, wearing a baseball cap and an all-black outfit. He was doing dumbell shoulder presses.

My trainer had told me before that Alec Baldwin works out at my gym, but I had never seen him. But since I didn't have work to go to today, I had my training session at 4pm, an hour when working stiffs aren't at the gym.

Turns out that Alec Baldwin lives not far from me! But he lives in a much nicer apartment... the El Dorado.

Moral Dilemma

What would you do (hypothetically speaking) if you found out someone you knew was in a porn movie? Would you still be friends with them?

I'm not sure I envisioned that I would be mixing with such ilk, but it's kind of intriguing, plus I like to have a diversity of friends.

Can we make this the next poll?

Evil's Tip Of The Day

Evil

This is a fun one, if you want to instantly get an irate reaction out of someone. I've done it a few times now and it's a hit every single time!

Next time you're at a Starbucks, or deli, or fast food joint -- basically any place with a tip jar next to cash register -- when you get your change, make like you're going to drop it into the tip jar, but at the last second, toss the change into the garbage can. This move will literally cost you only cents but the reaction you get from the minimum wage loser behind the cash register is priceless!!!

Recent Updates

Evil

Now that I don't have a job to distract me, I can post a lot more! Here are some recent happenings...

Friday night, XTIAN and I went out to drinks with some of my co-workers. Normally, I have to keep XTIAN away from the work crowd because let's face it, that guy is nuts. But I think his medication is working well and he's been pretty well adjusted lately so I was like, what the heck. All turned out well. We hung out for a little while and on our way home, XTIAN and I stopped off for a beef patty, which is almost a tradition now. An unheathy, fatty-pants tradition. But a tradition nonetheless.

Yesterday was a good day. I made a new friend. Steph from here.to.here was in town, so we caught up for a couple of drinks. Also, I bought Guitar Hero III for Nintendo Wii yesterday and have been rocking out in all of my spare time since then. I challenge anyone to a Guitar Hero face off! Loser has to give the winner a reach-around or something similar.

And Evil Twin #2 IM'd me earlier today, from an Internet cafe in Penang. I don't even know where Penang is, but I didnt want to ask so as to appear ignorant and/or racist. Evil Twin #2 said she misses me a lot and thinks about me several times a day. I think she may have an unhealthy obsession with me, but we'll see. The cops are on standby.

I'm doing a series of undergrad admissions interviews at my college alma mater today. Right after the last one is done, I'm heading over to KenTak3's place to watch the big game -- Colts trampling the overrated Pats. Mamacita, Bruno, XTIAN, and Mr. Shoulders will also be there. Sounds like an explosive combination. BTW- I hear that XTIAN's romantic life may be back on track. In-ter-es-ting...

Last Day

Evil

Today is my last day of work. Feels sad. :(