New Favorite Blog/GF

http://blog.juliaallison.com/

Oldie But Goodie

Evil


I love this story!

Gay

What exactly did I sign up for?

Me

Evil

Feelin' Lobstery

EvilEvil has a couple of tips for those of you who are heading up to Lobsterfest...

1. Please do not eat Brad ("Mr. Balls") by mistake. Although he sports a lobstery-red complexion, he is indeed not a lobster.

2. "Crab boil"... good. "Crab boil in Xtian's pants"... bad. The first is an awesome seafood cookout. The second is literally crabs and boils in Xtian's pants.

xtian and evil pick up chicks

Two Fridays ago, you would have found me lying on my bed, working with a laptop squarely on my chest, as you do and I was quickly getting bored. I decided it was time to take Evil up on his offer and crash his office.

I dressed in a pair of jeans and a semi-sheer white button down shirt. The sort of shirt people get away with when they work out a lot, have a good tan and live in Miami…I am not quite any of those things but still I try in vain…

I arrive at the office and am seen into evil’s office. We spend about 30 minutes stalking around with Evil checking women out. I wonder what he actually does for a living at this point.

At some point we find our way back to his office, he’s sending an email. I am slumped on a chair close by. I find his office mate attractive…she’s tall, dark and very smart…those three variables all work for me…I try to kick it to here, ignoring the fact that she is clearly trying to work

“what’s up?”
“huh?”
the conversation is awkward and stilted till we drift onto Mormons…and her story that Mormons cannot consume caffeine except in the form of some company in whose stock they may own…like if you own coke stock and you’re a Mormon you can drink coke because then you are simply supporting your own financial well being or something. I thought this whole line of thinking dumb and she continued to press it as being so later explaining that she grew up with many Mormons in Oakland, Ca! ?!!? Is she drinking? Oakland and Mormons where? I know Oakland and claim my allegiance to the region.

Evil tries to save this awkward situation by pressing for a flip cup tournament…no one wants in…he then presses for a situation where we all get drinks…she claims she has too much work to do…in the end its just Evil on the elevator by ourselves wondering what to do…I’ll leave out the part where I noticed her escaping out a side entrance… minutes after we said our goodbyes

Later, we are The Other Room I spy a waitress with way too much confidence. Evil and I are hunched over at the bar wondering what to do. She is just off shift and sitting there staring at her depressed dog who has not moved in an hour. I start speaking to her calmly. We discuss the band playing on the ipod (The National...the song about astronauts...) at some length. Some hipster at the other end of the bar tries to include himself in the conversation and talking about his affinity for the band...no one cares

Our conversation has an ok pace. I'm enjoying it. I come to a logical point where I inquire what she has planned for the evening not sure what I would get out of this information. She admitted she was torn...either go to a party she was not interested in or painting her apartment a project she has been attempting to start for 4 months. As she speaks its still unclear to me what to say next, I'm hoping something brilliant will come out. but it does not seem likely.

Finally she commits to going home and painting but does not move...either then or for the next twenty minutes...she and her depressed dog maybe have a lot in common. As we leave I say something silly that makes her smile but not that much.

On the street heading towards a destiny that includes 18lbs of BBQ meats, Evil rightly points out that the depressed bartender would rather watch paint dry than hang out with me.

Am I Secretly A Surgeon?

Evil

I can't figure it out. Both my hands have been smelling like latex all day. Why?

NBC, ABC, CBS, The Hose

Evil
Check out The Hose's traffic for the last 13 months. We're getting big time! (Although I wish we could get Page Rank 4, like here.to.here. They must be really big time.)

Who's Tough

Yesterday morning, on Day 1 en route to the new gig, someone we will not identify slipped completely on their back in the rain trying to step over a massive puddle by the curb. It was a choice of either getting splashed by a passing car or hurdling the puddle.

This is a current picture of the injured elbow healing from a painful fall in the middle of the street... All bleeding through my white shirt yesterday, but I left it like that all day that so everyone could see who's tough and not not to mess with. Now, it's very swollen and purple with slight yellow undertones.

Today, the abovementioned person went back to the curb for a rematch but the puddle was gone.

(Picture is not to scale and has been minimized a bit for the audience due to it's graphic nature.)

Manolo Thinks He Offended Someone

I have been working with a buyer who is interested in buying a sizable chunk of my project. The lawyers have to fix some minor line items in the contract but the deal has been agreed upon on principle. The developer wanted to meet this buyer so he invited the buyer, his Realtor and me to his house for cocktails.

I have been in this house and it’s the house I want when I finally have some money. This house was designed, built and decorated by the developer himself. It has an open floor plan. The whole first floor is open with no dividing walls so you can see everything and everybody whether you are the kitchen, or the dining room or the living room. You have huge windows all around so you can see the backyard or the people jogging by. Anyway, we are engaging in small talk when this super cute 6-7 year old girl with long flowing black hair wearing a light pink swimming trunk with lots of flowers and a dark pink shirt comes running in. She shyly waves hello to everybody when she is introduced as Andy and immediately starts to play with two Labradors that were lying by the pool.

After 5-10 minutes the little girl gets tired of playing with the dogs and sits next to me. I have always been great with kids so I kind of engage in small talk but no reaction. This is expected because she doesn’t know me and probably has been properly taught not to talk to strangers. She just looks down at her feet and after a minute or two, she leaves again. As she opens the door, the dogs sneak into the house and run towards me. They already know me from my previous visits so they just jump on me hoping that I will play with them…I borrow a tennis ball little Andy has and throw it a couple of times. The kid and I start then start playing catch having the dogs go back and forth between us.

It seemed as if the dogs had vouched for me because all of a sudden the little girl started talking to me. She told me how she went fishing and caught a lobster with her hands and how she swam with the dolphins that morning and how…….All of a sudden, I became her best friend…

It also seems our host has his door always open because other kids and adults are coming in, saying hello, hanging out for 3-5 minutes or giving each other the heads up as to the next event and walking right out…At one point, we transition to the kitchen where our host is going crazy on his Viking stove while we are munching on cheese and olives and engaging in chit chat. Everyone is exchanging recipes and I let everyone what a mean piña colada I can make, or succulent roast pork or how I make the best mango salsa ever…

As this is going on, I hear the front door open and someone else walks into the kitchen and says: “My kid loves mango salsa…You MUST give me the recipe”

I am always very protective of my recipes so I jokingly answer to the group in a very serious tone…”No, I will not give you my recipe…I don’t give my recipes to just ANYONE…I guess I could tell you but then I would have to kill you.”

No one laughs at my joke. Maybe it wasn’t funny but they could have given me a pity laugh or something. I turn around and I am looking at the Godfather III himself. I am a huge Godfather fan and have seen the movies a gazillion times (even Godfather III which is not even on the same scale as the first two…freaking whiny Sofia Coppola messed up the movie…)

Anyway, I digress….I am looking at none other than Vincent Mancini…It is freaking Andy Garcia in matching pink shorts with one of those old Cuban straw hats and Harry Potter glasses…

He just looks at me funny and walks away without even giving me a chance to say I was joking. He goes on to sit in the dining room by himself. Our host then proceeds to tell us how he has been friends with Andy since 1972 and how they play the drums together and how they try to keep up with Arturo Sandoval to no avail…He is obviously proud of his friendship with Andy and talks of their days back in high school…

The little girl comes in yelling "daddy" and sits on Mr. Garcia’s lap. I am glad I spent those 10-15 minutes talking to the kid because the kid will now smooth any ruffle feathers between me and Mr. Garcia…They just need some quiet time….father and daughter…father will ask the daughter what she has been up to and she will say she was playing catch with me and the dogs and how much fun she had…I need this conversation to happen so the guy doesn’t think I am a total douche bag.

This conversation is interrupted by the ringing of my cell phone which is on the dining room table where Mr. Garcia is sitting with his daughter. Again, huge Godfather fan so if you haven’t heard my ring tone before, you can guess what it is. It is the actual Godfather theme music…As I am walking towards the table, Mr. Garcia grabs the phone and hands it to me while giving me a very quizzical look.

The rest of the night progressed with Mr. Garcia and I keeping our distance even though we were less than 3 feet from each other. After a few more drinks and more chit chat, it was time to say our goodbyes. Mr. Garcia was being polite when he gave me his hand. I knew it and he knew it but that was okay because the lovely little girl Andy came out of whatever corner she was hiding out to become my savior. She comes to tell me how one of the dogs licked her in the face and that she will show me pictures of her lobster and…I see a smile forms in the proud father’s face…

I start to apologize about the mango salsa and proceed to tell him that if I knew that the mango salsa was for his kid, I would have given to him in a heartbeat because of such a lovely kid. I tell him how she and I became best friends and how she told me how she caught a lobster and how she swam with the dolphins and…

His smile is gone…his eyes narrow…his jaw clenches…his lips move…

“SHE IS A HE…HE IS A BOY….”

Evil Surfs The Web

Evil

From this page:


"... you are going to come up against a female who simply will not stand for a male. This is a frustrating situation if you know the bitch is ready to breed. Some bitches are just spoiled and will not tolerate a male..."

holy crap, who wrote that? it's so angry. mr shoulders?!

Unemployed - Last Day

I've received a few offline requests looking for an update on how unemployment is going. Sadly, today is the last day I can officially report on this topic.
Booo....!

In summary: it's hasn't been all that.
Double boooo...!

I've tried to wake up each morning at 6:30 AM along with others-in-the-household-en-route-to the-office, but end up joining Bruno on the couch for morning naptime shortly thereafter. Yawn! There have been a few visits by the FedEx man delivering online goods, including a fancy recycling can for the apartment, wine and spirits of sorts, and some eyeshadow from eBay. There have been consistent cocktails in the early afternoons, and I've stumbled among several nannies with strollers around Park Slope while logging a few miles each day. I have developed a new affection for Beef Jerky and have read thirteen books.

However, there has been no one to talk to by the water cooler and minimal Internet surfing. I've nearly forgotten how to type!

So, for all the people who complain about our jobs and yearn for some time off... don't be fooled! I'm looking forward rejoining our capitalist structure on Monday in pursuit of the American Dream again. Weee!

Sometimes I Feel Like This Dog

Ask Yakov (The Series)

Evil

Question 1. As an adult, have you ever peed or crapped on your bed?

Question 2: What is your position on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"?

Question 3: Why are your eyes so dreamy?

The National - Mistaken For Strangers

my new favorite band

Things I'll miss (Part 1)

I woke up. It was winter so it was still sort of cold. Especially my room which for some reason fails to heat to the same degree of other rooms. I traipsed downstairs in my underwear. I have a new female roommate but don't care. I like my underwear besides its quite presentable.

In the living room, I see something of a mess with my roommate asleep at its nexus. I am staring at her bare legs trying to make sense of the situation. There is a peanut butter jar on the ottoman and a peanut butter laden spoon on the floor nearby...what's passing for her top has quite a lot of peanut butter on it...as does the upper area near her boobs...No set of thoughts will help this make sense. I have no chance...

I clean up a bit and decide to sit down and watch some TV. She wakes up for a moment and wishes me a good morning. I reciprocate. Then I ask a question that has been on my mind for 20 minutes.
"Did you hook up with the peanut butter last night?"
She's inspecting herself mildly grossed out but still very groggy and potentially hung over.
"I think so. that peanut butter sure is a smooth talker"
I let her roll over and fall back asleep.

We don't talk about this again...until

I am a bit late for work, rush downstairs and discover a similar scene. Rather than do anything about it, I send her a quick text
"you and that peanut butter are bad for each other. this relationship won't end well"
Her reply (later that day)
"i'm such a peanut butter tramp!"

Blind Item

Which contributor of the Hose (and mother of the Hose' mascot) has been having secret rendevous with which francophile member of xtian's posse?

If said francophile thinks he can claim my spot on the Hose' writing staff...then, Jim you've got another thing coming....

Bruno Style...

Team - I have to come clean. I have not gotten my nob rubbed in a quarter and its bad news. At some point in the next few weeks, there will be no difference between hanging out with me or bruno. I will also start peeing on a white sheet and humping everything i see. If my tongue were long enough i would probably be licking my pooper toon...

In my mania to resolve this imbalance. I have been shooting vibes at women everywhere I go. Last week, Mr. Shoulders witnessed this first hand. It was so bad Mr. Shoulders was taking pity on my game.

Early one evening enroute to the gym, a dirty footed woman lost control of her dog and I retrieved him for her. Now, mere hours later she was standing in line at a deli in between Mr. Shoulders and I. I had sort of forgotten what she looked like so at most I was staring at this mildly attractive girl waiting to order. When we had placed our orders and were seated I listened to Mr. Shoulders blabber endless about his schedule and yet another trip to vegas (Season Three of Cathouse on HBO should be subtitled "The last good days of Mr. Shoulders") I continued to stare a girl that was attractive...but overly tanned. Her feet were horrible. I could not look away. I like looking at terrible feet. I have a problem.

I was talking to Mr. Shoulders about something but as I stared at her toes I dropped him and went right to her....
me (to him):yes we should plan something for next week...
Me(to her):hey didn't I help you with your dog like two hours ago
her: that was you?
Me: yes
Her: oh thanks
Me: we should hang out...

awkwardness prevailed...she stared at her toes, why I dunno....i thought we had already covered they were gross. Maybe she was trying to figure out what to do about it. Again, I dunno...

her sandwhich came she ran out...

Mr Shoulders said nothing but would not meet my gaze...

Scenes from a Bad Date

Her: I like to read
Me: Do you?! Me too...what's the last book you read?
Her: A book on Fixed Income
Me: Oh...great....what about before that
her: A book on Structured finance. it was very helpful
Me: I see what about for fun?
Her: I don't have much fun.
Me: Right now I understand you exactly...

I miss you, PBT!

i miss my Peanut Butter Tramp (PBT)...there I said it. I may even say it again because its true.

She earned the name because on more than one occasion I woke up went to the living room and discovered her asleep, in some manner of undress with peanut butter on her in a non trivial way. When challenged she would admit a fascination wiht peanut butter. I was always saddened that I was never there to see her in action. hmmm

I'll miss her for the time she showed up at 3 in the morning and the dude that followed her in sat down and watched an episode of scrubs with me

I'll miss her for the time some crazy drunk chick tried to follow her home and that was worth a laugh for like a week

I'll miss her for the hottie friends that would randomly be hanging out when I showed up.

that's a lot of missing...i'll miss you PBT! Come BACK!

Unemployed - Day 4

Well, I don't really have anything interesting to say today, so I'm going to post a few Pictures of the Day, circa last weekend at the beach.

Unemployed - Day 3

Today I am in hiding.

Why, you ask? Well, yesterday I posted a bunch of furniture for sale on Craig's list and now my phone will not stop ringing. For someone who doesn't really like to yap yap yap on the phone all that much, this is bothersome. And Craig's list is strange - people call right away and ask is the item is still available?, can I pick it up tomorrow afternoon?, I need to borrow a car from my brother on Saturday, etc.

But time passes... people don't show up, or call again, and never come to get the item. This has been independently confirmed by the neighbors downstairs - the same thing happened to them. It's a mystery.

It's only 8:46 and I have already gotten 4 calls for today, plus about 20 from yesterday. KenTak3 has advised that I should respond to the calls in the order that they were received, so I organized a spreadsheet with name, phone number, time of call or email, item, and yay/nay of interest. This is stretching the capabilities of my home computer.

If anyone plans on calling me shortly, I would advise against it otherwise I will confuse you with prospective buyers, and you might end up mixed in the spreadsheet. Please just come over yourself with a pick-up truck and end this madness.

Manolo Wants To Play

Where do I sign up? This video reminds me of my T.A.T.U. phase. Don't know what they are singing about but love the video...

Unemployed - Day 2

Today I am waiting for a UPS package. Anyone who lives in a non-doorman building and shops excessively off of the internet should know about this. Getting packages delivered to your apartment via UPS is a pain unless someone is home to sign for them.

If you are not home, they leave a stupid yellow post-it on your door, and you helplessly wait for another one to show up again tomorrow. Eventually, you have to trek into the depths of Bushwick, Brooklyn on some shady road with warehouses and dead people lying around, where the UPS headquarters is to pick it up. Any you can’t send someone else - it has to be YOU. In Manhattan, I think the UPS building is off of Houston street by the Holland Tunnel.

Anyway, I am waiting patiently but plan to furtively sneak out of the apartment at opportune times to get sunlight and run other errands.

Unemployed - Day 1

I'm now officially in-between jobs, which means that I get to spend the next 2 weeks in complete freedom, embracing recklessness, and without responsibility to anyone. I thought I would check in from time to time with some daily accomplishments.

Today I have done some laundry and am now having a grapefruit vodka cocktail. The vodka was purchased in Duty Free at the Cancun airport two weeks ago. It was only $12.99 USD, but it's great!! I might go for a run later, although it's 100 degrees outside and there is a really good article in TimeOut magazine outlining the fact that running in poor weather conditions and smog actually has negative effects on your body. What a pain! Going through all that trouble for reverse exercise! By the way, if you've clicked on the link above you'll notice there is an advert for Restaurant Week coming up shortly. If people tell me their preferences, I'll make some reservations. But it's NOT in honor of X-Tian's birthday because he gets all fussy boots about that!

Bruno has been sleeping all day, and has recently moved from the couch to a pile of warm laundry on the floor. What a life he has!

I hope these next two weeks do not fly by too quickly.

Alone and Abandoned

A long running theme of this blog is how KenTak 3 thinks and acts like he doesn't need me anymore, like he's better than me because he's all happy and domestic with his woman and his tiny dog (the main advantage of his tiny dog being that it from a proportional perspective he looks way bigger than he is, hands and otherwise)

Anyway, I'd like to point out that recently KenTak had been altering his behaviour. I must have seen him socially 6-7 times this past spring/early summer...but that is all changed. Who exactly does he think he is? He's been going out of town without me a lot lately and I'm not liking it...

KenTak...where is the love

Followup to Good Karma...

Evil

(Follow-up to "Good Karma. Oh Crap, Now What?")

the convenient thing about meeting someone while waiting to buy an iphone is that you have a built-in excuse to call each other. talking to her on the phone feels different from talking to her in person. not worse, just different. her voice didnt sound quite the same or maybe it's that i had already created a character of her in my mind and that character's voice was slightly different... more bright and bubbly than that of the real person.

we're both upper west siders but she didnt feel like staying in the neighborhood. "i'll swing by your apartment at 8 and we'll cab it down to meatpacking for a drink and then take it from there."

at 7:45, i get a text message that says she's running late. more like 8:20, not 8, sorry.

at 8:20, i get another text message. more like 8:45. really sorry.

at 8:45, she calls me and says she's downstairs. i head down. she's sitting on the bench in the building lobby. her hair is still damp. she must have just showered. she's rail thin. she looks great in a black summer dress with a little flower pattern. i immediately feel under-dressed because i'm wearing a janis joplin t-shirt and jeans.

Response to "Stale Crackers"

Evil
(In response to "Stale Crackers")

if i were the typical immature, insensitive male friend, i would response to xtian's post with something along the lines of: "whoa, what's up with that post, xtian? is it that time of the month? are you depressed because you feel like your fallopian tubes are shriveling up?"

but i am indeed not that type of person, so here's what i really have to say in response to xtian's "stale crackers" post...

dude, it was only two years ago that you almost witnessed orgy's death by weed. that means two short years from now, your life might be totally different. you know... marry a white girl (because you are self-hating), making major bank even though you dont need to because your new wife will have a crapload of family money. and who knows, you might even have a "little big head" in the oven. as in a bun in the oven, not that you would put a kid in a real oven.

put yourself together, xtian. at least you're not mister shoulders!

btw- anyone who's interested, meet xtian and me at this rooftop happy hour on july 17th. watch me demonstrate my techniques in being a horrible wing man.

Stale Crackers

Two weeks ago the crack pack had a big reunion. I am reasonably sure this is the first time we have had a quarum since the last time someone stole a large potted plant from the steps at columbia university. Everyone was there except for Miguel, who apparently hates everyone. But that's fine because we all still love Miguel

We were there for Taylor's wedding. I am happy for him because I think he might have married the prettiest girl ever. I mean like seriously. I was floored. Apparently I went to University with her and she claims she remembers me but I was apparently too busy messing with weed and hitting on indian chicks.

We managed to regress and act like the lovable chumps we were at University. There were a series of bets about and around the wedding which I might have won. Questions ranged from "how many brides maids will there be?" to "is taylor's little sister actually not now that she's 19 instead of 12?". At the end of the night in a drunken stupor we did actually debate what a SHOCKER was, with shouting, and hand gestures and rhymes and ending with us being asked to excuse ourselves from a bar.

But things are different. Things are wierd now. Sparkes for example has a baby. What the hell? I'm too young to be a cool uncle. In lieu of naming me godfather the heathen has named me Uncle in charge of Pop Culture and Cool Music. I feel that affords me a certain cache but like most things I am not going all the way on this front. If I did, i would be doing A&R at a record label. I could have a lot of tattooes and one cool leather jacket...

Others are getting married, others are married. Dr. Orgy, bless his heart is married with a mortgage and a private practice. When did that happen? Wasn't it just two short years ago that Orgy and I went thru this!

Wow...i feel like something dramatic needs to happen but I'm not sure what.

Later, I came home and the Last Kiss starring Zach Braff and Summer Roberts was in my mailbox from netflix. I watched it and wondered if I was a chubbier version of the slacker/bartender/waster...

Can You Make My Eyes Slantier?

Evil

i think i need a little pick-me-up. going to get some plastic surgery from this place:

http://www.asiansurgery.com/

" Dr. Edmund K. Kwan, a New York-based Korean American plastic surgeon is targeting Asian American patients who want to preserve their ethnic heritage while seeking plastic surgery."

Manolo Wishes Himself A Happy Anniversary!!!

Here at the Hose we do not just celebrate America's b-day. We celebrate Manolo's addition to the greatest country on earth...

You see, it was 18 years ago today that Manolo came to this country...July 4, 1989. I remember it like it was yesterday...I was 12 years old with a baseball glove in one hand and a piece of tried and true American apple pie on the other (I had flown first class and I had not eaten my dessert).

I won't admit that I was stupid enough to believe that the Macy's fireworks going on that night were for me but it did feel nice. I guess the only drawback was my stay at Ellis Island while my TB cleared up...

Anyway, I am not familiar with immigration law but I think being 18 makes me legal. I think that means no one can call INS on me anymore. I believe that the rules state that America has to make me an honorary citizen. As long as I don't get drafted, we are cool...

Happy Anniversary Manolo!!! You are the best!!! America Loves You!!!

Write your own caption!

Happy Birthday, America!

Evil

happy birthday to the greatest country on earth (current foreign policy notwithstanding). america, you dont look a day over 225. even though we know you're really 231. you're letting yourself go a bit in the midsection (shape up, you fatties in chicago!), but we still love you. luckily, you're in such good health for your age, because you have no healthcare. but whatever, botox and boob lifts arent covered by insurance.

and to our loyal following on the hose, some words of advice as you celebrate america's birthday (because i care about you and want you to have a fun but safe holiday)...

xtian: no really means no.

the bumpasaurus: you shouldnt try to clench that roman candle in your butt cheeks, no matter how good you are at it.

manolo: there's a difference between a bottle rocket and a pocket rocket. try not to mix them up (like last year).

kentak3: yes, you can take today off from work, even though you're japanese (and a robot).

mamacita: see you at the BBQ... dont pretend like you dont know me! makes me sad. :(

evil twin #1: if you're going down to the esplanade, might as well pick some pockets.

evil twin #2 (TFME): will you post some more on your blog already?!

bruno: stay away from the bbq grill at all costs!!!

Flight of the Conchords: ''Most Beautiful Girl in the Room''

YOU COULD BE A PAAART TIME MODEL!

Oldie But Goodie

Evil

Golfer Cristie Kerr won the U.S. Women's open today, defeating Lorena Ochoa. Every time I read about Cristie Kerr in the news, I always think of this classic photo:



This might be the 3rd or 4th time I'm posting this pic on The Hose. But I SERIOUSLY cannot get enough of this photo. It makes me laugh every single time!!!