What's The Plan, Stan?

Evil

According to The Mystery Method, an accomplished pickup artist should be able to "close the deal" with about 7 total hours of interaction with a girl. That could be over any number of dates... one long 7-hour date (unlikely) or plenty of short 1-hour interactions (unlikely too). The reality is probably somewhere in between, but the real point is that it takes a certain amount of time for a girl to become comfortable enough with a guy to be accepting of him.

Since I have an engineering background, these numerical guidelines resonate well with me. But this specific 7-hour thing has me a little flummoxed. You see, I feel as though I only have about 4 hours of good material in me. Don't get me wrong, the first 4 hours of material includes some pretty spectacular stuff. You should see me on first dates -- I tell interesting stories, I listen, I read body language, I can get a girl to initiate casual physical contact.

At around the 4 hour mark, I start to get a little nervous. My material is not as tested. Sometimes not tested at all. And if you've ever seen me ad lib with XTIAN, you know it can be hit or miss. It's hard for me to accept the fact that I don't have much more than 4 hours of interesting material. It's a fact about me that I don't particularly like. After all, I'm over 30 years old. You'd think that I'd have more good stories to tell.

Ask Mamacita (The Series)

Evil

Dear Mamacita,

As one of the very few people I know who's in a loving and stable relationship, can you share something with us? How long after you met KenTak3 did you first get the sense that he could be the one? Was it love at first sight?

Thanks,
Evil

Poll Results - I am Turtle

You guys think I should be turtle to Evil's "Vince". I'm ok being the funny comic relief. That suits me well. I'm a bit tall, but whatever...My question is, Is Evil good looking enough to be Vince? I think not. Further, somehow, Evil has even less charisma than Adrian Grenier. I know, I know, its hard to do but Evil does it!!

I have nothing to say to the deviants who think I would be good at smelling like baby powder in a bikini and high heels

Stop Patronizing XTIAN!

Evil

Listen people, take the current poll seriously. Stop patronizing XTIAN.

Making New Friends

I made a new friend this week. About a month ago, Evil and I went trolling for chicks when we ended up at a bar at the lower east side with a large group of people we did not know. After some drinking and an abortive attempt at Jenga, a very tall, very attractive woman spilled wine all over me and my sweater. While I was bloching it out in the restroom. Evil came up and suggested we use this opportunity to leave and find beef patties.

A few days later, I got an email from this woman apologizing profusely and offering to buy me a sweater. I resisted initially then finally relented. Over the course of our emailing, we started sharing our hopes and fears and generally bonding in a legimate way....

After some missed attempts we had lunch this past Friday. A three hour lunch, it was great. She dressed like Lilly Van der Wootsen as an homage to our favorite show, Gossip Girl. I dressed like a guy who has a lot of sex. That's how I always dress. Initially, she brought a friend, as a body guard I suppose. But within twenty minutes she excused herself, once she realized the coast was clear. I got my sweater too. It's great, I'm wearing it now.

I like her, she's funny. Also she finds me charming. New friends! top that

I have recounted this story a few times without any irony. Some think she is into me, some think she is strange, others wonder if I like her.

Honestly, it's none of these...except maybe that we are both weird. I mean we were both really excited about having lunch with someone we did not know. I think it was just a great lunch...that stuff happens all the time...it does to me anyway...

Disappointed and Confused

Many of you know that I have recently learned to play golf. KenTak3's love of the game inspired me to take lessons. I have several golf skorts and a pink hat. Further, I know how much Kentak enjoys going to the driving range with Evil, X-tian, and hopes that someday Mr. Shoulders will come along too.

I thought that golf players were serene, cerebral, and kind people, concentrating on mastering complex skills and appreciating very green scenery.

Did anyone else see this article, and is there any reasonable explanation? Do you all partake in these shenanigans at the driving range, but keep missing the birds?

Do I look like this guy?

Do you guys think I look like this guy?

I'll tell you why I ask. I was at L' Express on Friday hanging out, waiting for a friend. As I stepped outside to make a phone call I saw a table of men point at me. I thought that a bit odd, but not that outlandish. Maybe he was just into my glasses. That happens to me quite a bit.

When I returned the guy ran up and asked if I was on the Colbert Report the night prior..."you're that writer right?"

I admitted I was not and hand no idea what he was talking about, but I was intrigued. Yesterday I hit the colbert report website
and noticed that the guest all night on thursday was john legend...what a blowhard...we get it, you went to penn and you have opinions. Stop troubling us with them.

Anyway, he could not have been referring to John. I've stood next to him. He's much shorter than me. But on Wednesday, the author of "Mongrels, Orphans and Vagabonds..." was on the show.

Was this a racist question? Should I be offended? Or do I actually look like this guy?

Getting Political

Evil

Watching coverage of the primaries on CNN right now. Just found out that Texas has some really weird county names. There's actually a county named Tom Green. Why?! But my favorite name is Glasscock county. I bet the single girls in that county are very happy.

Fashion Advice for Evil

I'm finally getting around to answering Evil's post below "How Many Pairs Of Shoes Should A Man Have?" Others may have the same question, but I have to warn you: this really needs to be tailored per person. For Evil, the magic number is 9.

Evil: for the office, you need need to keep a stash of nice shoes, and then get 1 or 2 semi-nice pairs for transit to and from the office. You might not be as career successful as ET#2 who has room for a shoe drawer at work, but that's okay. We can still work something out.

You need 2 pairs (one brown and one black) for transit. Then in the office, you need to store 2 pairs of black of differing styles and 1 more brown. I'm leaning a bit more toward black as the dominant color since it will unlikely compete with your choice of very ecletic and colorful office attire.

At home, you can have 1 pair of boots (like cowboy boots), athletic sneakers, and then cool sneakers (not for athletics) like Pumas or Pradas. Finally, you should get 1 pair of mandles. These are man-sandles, where you slide your foot right in and perfect for summer, which is right around the corner. Check D&G.

Evil, I hope this helps and you will soon have happy feet. And, yes, I'm available for consultation for anyone else.

I Can't Help It If I Rock Too Awesomely

Evil

?@#)@)

WOW...who knew this was going on...Thanks Sunday Times Fashion and Style section

Hoboken St. Patrick's Day

10am in Hoboken on the first Saturday of march is when the drinking start. The City of Hoboken has a small parade to honor St. Patrick that seems to start around 9:30. Then the families take cover and the town gets invaded by wave after of wave of mid-twenty somethings looking for a bender. Everyone seems to be from a big ten school btw. No one can tell me why.

Like everyone, I like a good pub crawl but this stuff is out of control. I mean what the hell?
- First, I went to meet some mates at a bar. They tried to charge me a twenty dollar cover and also made me stand in line for 30 minutes....for a pub..in hoboken???!!? what?
- Walking down Washington, some dude gets tossed out of a bar and hits the ground hard. I reach down to give him a hand up, he refuses rather violently. I let him fall...screw him...
- On the path into the City, I watched a guy open some chewing tobacco and stick it in his mouth, he had no cup to catch the refuse. He just spit it on the ground.

Are you kidding me?

Glad that's over...come on people

Was This A Reverse Vote?

Evil

Come on, now!!! You Hosers are a funny bunch, lemme tell ya. I appreciate a good sense of humor and you've sure got one. Good one, on the recent poll. So you all think Mr. Shoulders is gonna get married next, huh? Surely, you were inspired by the American Idol-related Vote For the Worst website.

Seriously, the poll turned out in the exact reverse order of what reasonable people would, umm, reason. Mr. Shoulders is certainly not gonna get married first. He's gonna be last! He can't navigate himself into a woman's heart even with a GPS, compass, road map, wireless earpiece, and salary in the top 1% of Americans. Poor Mr. Shoulders.

And you voted for Evil Twin #1 as the second to get married. Serious? Evil Twin #2 doesn't even WANT to get married. So she wouldn't be second... she'd be second to last. (Mr. Shoulders is still the picture of ineptitude.)

At the tail end, with only 1 solitary vote, you had Evil Twin #2. Hmm... odd, considering that Evil Twin #2 is the only person on that list currently in a long term, stable relationship. Or any relationship, for that matter. I'm gonna call it: Evil Twin #2 is next! Her bachelorette party is going to be out of control.

How Many Pairs Of Shoes Should A Man Have?

Evil

Hey Mamacita, thanks for giving me the rundown of how many pairs of shoes (and of what type, and where they should be kept) a man should have. But I was totally... err... not mentally coherent when you were telling me. Can you review? Please? And I figure it would be useful on The Hose, since others will benefit from the knowledge too.

Like Our Friend Corky, We're All Winners Inside

Evil


A big thank you to our new friend Adrienne for hosting the Oscars party this year. The party was great, although my Oscar ballot was the complete opposite. With only 5 correct answers, I came in tied for last... with XTIAN! At least I had an excuse... I had only seen 1 of the movies nominated this year (Gone Baby, Gone) whereas XTIAN had seen about 75% of them.

Am I Retarded?

Evil



This is a new(ish) Obama video. Watching videos like this just makes me mad. Honestly, have we crossed the line from support to idol worship? What's with the "Obama. Obama. Obama. Obama. Obama..." chant in the background of this video? Seems almost like individual thought, conviction and passion have grotesquely transformed into a mass orgy of groupthink. I refuse to vote for Obama, but I will vote for the Borg.

To The Man And His Baby On The Subway...

F-YOU! You suck!

You know who you are. You got onto the 1 train at 96th street, same as me. Except that you were right in front of me, with your stupid baby in his stupid stroller. And you're an idiot because you couldn't even maneuver it right. So you barely got onto the train before the doors closed, and since I was behind you, it was an even closer call for me. Luckily, I had the wherewithal to give you a shove in the back so I could make it in.

And you got off at 50th street, also my stop. And yet again you were in front of me, gingerly pushing and twisting the stroller with your kid in it. Did you feel another shove in the back as the doors were closing? That was me, motherf-er.

Listen, unless you are poor (and you did not look poor, based on your clothes and more importantly, your kid's clothes), there's no excuse for not getting an SUV and driving your kid around instead of taking him on the subway. How inconsiderate of you to inconvenience us all like that, just so you can save a few bucks on gas.

Do You Really Know What You Want?

Evil

Back in the day, when I was still in university, there was a saying around campus:

"Barnard to bed, but Columbia to wed."

Barnard, being the all-girls sister school to Columbia University. The implication, clearly, is that there are some people who you want to have a good time with, but other people who you want to keep for the long run.

I've been thinking about this recently as I've been watching the Obama phenomenon unfold. I have a theory:

Obama is the Barnard girl

Right now, it feels cool to support Obama. It feels good. You might even say, with all your heart, that it feels right. To be totally honest, I don't know why I am getting so worked up over this Obama thing, because I am not particularly political. I am not even a registered Democrat. (Or a registered Republican, for that matter. I registered "no party" in New York State.)

I don't know what it is that has me feeling this way. Maybe it's my befuddlement over how so many people are swept up in rosy words and promises. Am I a cynic? Maybe it's my inherent nature to root for the underdog, which Hillary has become. I am not a woman, but I feel like women are letting Hillary down. She's the first credible female candidate for president -- and who knows when the next one will come along? If it were 50 years from now -- two-plus generations from now! -- I would not be surprised. But women and men alike, right now, seem to have "bed" on their mind. Not "wed."

Here is the irony: Obama is going to win the Democratic nomination. The contrarian in me will just have to accept it. But Obama will go on to the general election to face John McCain. And then the American public will take a look at the two candidates, as starkly different as they are, and ask:

"Obama to bed, or McCain to wed?"

And they'll come to their senses and go for McCain. And then we're stuck with a crazy old man in the White House for the next four years, or more.

Post-script: But what about the 2012 election, you ask? Surely, Obama will storm back and claim the presidency. He'll have another 4 years of experience. He'll be that much stronger! No. You see, in four years time, Obama will be old news. He'll no longer be the agent of change. He'll no longer be the fresh new face that the public adores. We will know too much about him. We will have seen his warts. He will be just another Washington insider. I don't like my choices in this election. I think I'm gonna go for Nader.

Date or Die: Spring Time Edition

I'm about to start up date or die again in the spring...watch out...i'm in the gym working out like a maniac...

Me and the Mamacita down by the schoolyard

Everyone knows I (heart) the Mamacita right?

I think she's fun and occasionally funny. Also, I am fairly certain she is quite fond of me, unlike Mr. Shoulders or even Evil, who I think she just tolerates for KenTak3's sake. I am fairly high up there, not as high up there as Le Troisieme...but close.

Why then, we should ask, do I keep picking fights with her?

Why am I saying funny things like "Oh, that's just the Mamacita, she's been planning her wedding for two years!" or "Mamacita, we're thru!"

It's very sad and I want to make a public apology right here and now...

So what if she undermines me at a dinner party that I blow off because it's raining and I don't like getting wet.

So what if she takes Evil's side during his crazy passive/aggressive attacks on my character

These things don't matter...they really don't...these are minor things...let's be friends

I'm sorry Mamacita, I think I'm just being passive/aggressive because I don't want to replace my favorite android friend...

It's been hard enough trying to replace Sleeve with Killer B #1