Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil

Sometimes I feel like this guy...

Sleepy.

Disturbing

Evil

Is it just me, or does Junior Seau (pictured, above left) have a disturbing face? Specifically, look at the space between his nose and his lips. Where is there so much room there? It's a HUGE f'ing expanse. For comparison, look at two regular people (picture, above middle and above right). Junior Seau used to sport a mustache, which covered up his disturbing facial proportions.

Super(Hero) Bowl

Evil and I just thought up a brilliant idea. In anticipation of this year's SuperBowl, we are going to have a "Super(Hero) Bowl" wherein we will put together a 23 person team (11 offense, 11 defense, 1 Head Coach)

On Tuesday, both Evil and I will post our teams and you will have the chance to vote on , which team would win a theoretical football contest.

Here are some rules:
(1) The character must have a wikipedia entry (i.e. not too obscure)
(2) The character cannot be omnipotent...though nigh omnipotent is acceptable. That means like Thor or Magneto can be in but the Beyonder would be cheating
(3) Their power has to align with the position. Putting The Thing at Wide Receiver would therefore be a bad idea.
(4) In the case where several characters have the same power you can only use one of the characters. For example, you can only use one green lantern on your team.

Damn, neither of us are ever getting married are we?

XTIAN Gets His Face Punched

Evil

Check out this video of XTIAN getting his face punched in by some guy named Morales. (Not to be confused with this other video, titled "X-tian Beat Down.")

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil


Sometimes I feel like this guy...

Because we all have really good days every once in a while, right?

Chubby But (Fill In The Blank)

Evil


Good news! I found my "Chubby But Cute" tshirt. But also bad news... I bought that shirt some years ago, when I was running a lot more. Since then, I must have put on 20 pounds. Now the shirt is inappropriately tight. So instead of being Chubby But Cute, it's more like Chubby But Gay.

Getting To Know Me

Evil

At my old job, we used to play this ongoing game. It was a lot of fun. The game basically consists of accusing other people (or yourself) of being racist. Here are some examples:

- Ethnic mixup: Referring to someone as one ethnicity, but they're really something else. Most common mixups are Chinese/Korean/Japanese and Indian/Pakistani/Bangladeshi. Whenever this happens, we all shout, "Racist!"

- Name mixup: Calling someone by the wrong name... the name of someone else who's of the same ethnicity. So, someone might say, "Hey, Ben, I haven't seen you since the last sales conference." When this happens, we'd all shout, "That's not Ben, that's Greg! You can't tell Asians apart. Racist!"

- Outright racism: Always handy, this is when you fall back on race as an excuse or a cheap joke. Like after you finish interviewing someone for an open job and your Indian colleague asks you what you thought, a suitable response might be, "No more Indians, please. We're over quota."

Oh, those were fun times. The other night, I met two of my former colleagues for dinner and drinks. Our mood was boisterous. I was being myself... in other words, the brain-to-mouth filter had shut down for the evening. We re-lived old stories. Like the one about a colleague who lost 40 pounds for her wedding day and then put on 60 pounds right afterwards. And she was 5 feet tall! And then I revealed my long-standing, unfulfilled feature request of the company Intranet site. Like any company Intranet, you can look up a person's contact info, their group, their manager's name, etc. But I had long wished that you can also look up a person's current weight. How handy would that be!

One of my ex-coworkers, at this point, slapped me with an accusation: "You're a fattist!"

This disturbed me. Was I? I couldn't be. I am the guy who owns a "Chubby But Cute" tshirt. I am also the guy who owns the chubbybutcute.com domain. (Ooops, actually, it expired last week. Reminder to self: re-purchase on GoDaddy before some cruel squatter swipes it from me, the same way they stole fundits.com from me!) I am the guy who has an unhealthy relationship with food. So no, I couldn't be a fattist, could I?

Thankfully, there is a scientific way to test. Internet, you are so great! The researchers at Harvard University have a series of tests that can tell you if you're biased, based on certain factors. Their most popular test, as you might imagine, is the racism test. You can also test for age-based bias, religion-based bias, and tons of other fun stuff.

I rushed to take the "fattist" test. If I were indeed a fattist, I would at least want scientific proof. The result? Somewhat of a surprise, even for me:


It turns out that I'm not a fattist. But in fact, I might be somewhat of a reverse fattist, showing a slight preference for fatties over thinnies. Well, I'll take that. Now let me go find that Chubby But Cute tshirt and wear it to the diner. I'm in the mood for their Lumberjack Breakfast (3 pancakes, 3 French Toast, 2 eggs any style, bacon, ham, sausage, and coffee).

What's XTIAN's Problem?

Evil

I know we've all asked ourselves: What's XTIAN's problem? Or, What's wrong with XTIAN? Or, Why is XTIAN that way? It's always been one of those mysteries of life. But no more! Hosers, after some extensive Internet searching, I've finally found the medical answer. XTAIN's problem, in a word, is: Macrocephaly. This condition literally means Big Headed! Its consequences are sad, but eerily accurate:

In macrocephaly, the brain is abnormally large and brain functioning is usually abnormally slow. This generally results in some degree of mental retardation (slowness), and thus many individuals with macrocephaly have low intelligence.

Poor XTIAN. Next time you see him, be sure to be extra nice to him. And encourage all his special little accomplishments with shouts of YAAAAY!

Poll Results

Evil
The Hose readers overwhelmingly agree: a Mamacita spin-off blog with other angry women co-authors would indeed be a big hit on the blogosphere. Imagine something like The Hose, except with better graphic design and replace the clueless, bumbling misogyny with scathing, bitter men-sogyny. Hmm, then maybe that's nothing like The Hose at all, like how The Facts of Life spinoff was nothing like Diff'rent Strokes, but a huge hit on its own merits. Now, all we need to figure out is: who are the angry women to co-author with Mamacita? Hmmmmm...

I'd also like to point out that I was one of the two people who voted for "Why do you want to destroy The Hose?". Come On, People!

Lastly, here are the results to one of XTIAN's poll questions. He can comment on it if he likes. Although he is usually too lazy to do so.


xTian here - F you, EVIL!

It seems to me that an overwhelming majority of you are convinced that I will be banging the mamacita with a bucket of ribs in my hand and the only way Evil will notice is if they interrupt "Dancing with the Starts" (GAY!) to broadcast it.

Yep...that sounds about right...

The Giants Superbowl theme song

Much like The Bears and "The Super Bowl Shuffle" The G-Men have a new superbowl theme song, written, composed and sung by Michael Strahan! With some help from the rest of the team! See Eli in the right corner?

Go G-Men!

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil

Sometimes I feel like this guy (white arrow)...

Just wanna shake the great Tom Brady's hand...

But gets dissed. :(

One Eyed Midget Ninja Sex Pirates

Back in University, the crack pack and I had funny nicknames for women...there was, "Damn Smokey!" (inspired by chris tucker in Friday), Sloppy (for obvious reasons), jizz-n-hair(hahah!) ten to the dicks (as opposed to ten to the sixth power - hey we were engineers. sue us) and lots more great names. My favorite was "One Eyed Midget Ninja Sex Pirate", which made no sense but felt great to say. Basically, this little asian girl, who was totally cute otherwise, had this distracting sleepy eye. Everyone thought it would be really fun if this tiny girl was some sort of voracious sexual predator so she got a nickname that assumed so.

I recently broke my glasses. More specifically I lost the right lens and could not recover it. At the eye doctors, I learned a lot about how my eye sight was improving (random) and how my right eye was almost at full strength (odd, I know). In the middle of a long battery of tests to figure out my true eyesight my doctor, who is new, scrunched her brow and darted her eyes back and forth across my face for a minute.

She went back to her task, and as I successfully called out various characters at a far away screen she asked me about my eyes. She commented that she is fairly sure I have been walking around with too strong a prescription. Again she closely scrutinized my eyes, I could smell the green tea on her breathe. I tuned out her in innocuous questions and guessed how many people had randomly kissed her at a moment like this. These hinter-thoughts are probably how I end up with incorrect eye prescriptions. Finally she caught my attention again.

"You know I thought you had a sleepy eye..."

"What?"

"Has anyone ever told you, you had a sleepy eye"

"Most certainly not, you're crazy"

I was indignant and bordering in livid.

"It's nothing to get upset about. Besides you don't actually have a sleepy eye at all. It actually seems to be that one eye is about 30% larger than the other, so the lid cannot cover it as much."

This explanation felts worse. This is not the sort of sh*t my fragile ego needs. Did this woman relish ruining my day, and possibly my life?

This happened a 2 weeks ago, I could only write about it today

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil

Sometimes I feel like this guy...

In need of a hug...

(But not from a big black guy trying to crush me.)

this is really important

really really important information for anyone betting on this weekend's giants playoff game.

Of Sound Mind and Body...

Evil

If you're one of those people who think I spend my entire day playing Guitar Hero and watching the Discovery Channel, you'd be wrong. I only spend 90% of my day doing that. With the remaining 10%, I've resolved to work on certain errands and projects that I've delayed for way too long.

A couple of recent accomplishments include: finally buying window blinds so my neighbors are not constantly looking at my naked self, and getting some art stretched, framed, and hanged in the apartment.

My "To Do" list still includes writing an official last will and testament. But as I was starting it, I quickly came to a critical decision point that stopped my progress in its tracks. It's regarding the "treatment of body" after death, i.e., should I be buried, cremated, cremated and then buried, or cremated and then have my ashes housed in a temple? I've never thought about this until now and I'm not sure what to make of it.

My parents are going to be cremated and have their ashes housed in a temple, but that's to be expected since they're Buddhists. But for someone like me, whose only experience with buddha involves emptying out the contents of a cigar, the temple option seems irrelevant. But I still can't decide among the other three options. I need to finish this last will and testament soon, lest I lose all interest and go on to something else.

Any suggestions? Should we put this to a vote? Leave any suggestions in the comments section. Thanks!

Bon Voyage!

Well, tomorrow I'm off to Hawaii. Try not to miss me too much. Looking foward to some coconut drinks and hula dancing. Evil, which flight are you on?

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil


Sometimes I feel like this guy...

Occasionally gets smacked around...

But still gets up for the next play.

Life Update

Evil

Woke up at 11am today. Now watching The Colbert Report on DVR while enjoying a cuppa tea.

Decisions Of My Shallow Life

Evil

This is what my living room looks like with a 50 inch TV:


This is what my living room would look like with a 58 inch TV:

What do you think? That's not too large and garish, is it? Should I get the bigger TV?

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil


Sometimes I feel like this guy...

It's hard to keep the shoulders from slumping every once in a while...

But still a winner on the inside.

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil


Sometimes I feel like this guy...

Doesn't always look good doing what he's doing...

But once in a while, wins one when it counts.

Breaking News!

Evil

Congrats to everyone who took my betting advice on this weekend's games! Awesome, right? Who would have imagined that the Patriots would win ALL FOUR games? How do they do it? Well, the investigative news department of The Hose just uncovered some evidence that might explain it all. Check out the log of this IM conversation, which took place on Thursday of last week, between Tom Brady and God...

Tom Brady: your away message is hilarious

God: wooo! awesome, huh?
whatup?

Tom Brady: so this weekend's games...

God: dont worry man. i've got your guys winning

Tom Brady: SWEET.

God: everyone wants to see you guys play the colts in the afc championship
st. paul is like, pumped up like you wouldnt believe

Tom Brady: well, actually, can you make the colts lose?

God: REALLY?!
people will be bummed
ohhh, okaaaay
you are just too cute
i cant say no to you

Tom Brady: awesome
so yeah, the chargers should beat the colts
can you also make their best player get hurt?

God: LT? knee injury ok?

Tom Brady: yah!
throw a knee injury to their QB too?

God: phillip rivers?
so smug that punk.
yeah, knee injury for him too!
well, the super bowl will be good with you guys playing the cowboys

Tom Brady: errr, well...

God: oh god, them too?
you want me to take out the cowboys too?

Tom Brady: you're reading my mind god
how do you do that???
you're so good!

God: no, YOU'RE so good
ok, cowboys are losing this week
eli manning gets a gift from you
hey, gotta run

Tom Brady: ok laters!

God: good luck!

Football Predictions!

Evil
Knowing that you adoring fans have so much faith in what I say that you'd bet your own money on it, I've decided to give you a little treat this weekend! Go out and bet on this weekend's four football games. If you follow my advice (below), you'll end the weekend with enough freshly won cash moh-nay to buy new handbag you've been wanting, or to get that two-at-once prostitute special you've been longing for.

Without further delay, here are my picks:

Jaguars at Patriots (Patriots favored by 13.5) My pick: Take the Patriots to win outright. No Brainer! The spread is less than 2 TDs? The Patriots will win this game by at LEAST 10 TDs.

Chargers at Colts (Colts favored by 9.5) Chargers will have to play without star TE Antonio Gates. Colts have gotten no respect all season. My pick: Take the Patriots to win! Tom Brady's presence looms so large that he can beat both these teams (and Peyton Manning's fragile ego) without even being in the same stadium.

Seahawks at Packers (Packers favored by 7.5) Few people know that Green Bay's full team name is the "Fudge Packers." Yes, it's true. It's true. In a recent national survey, 32% of all American men said they had a man crush on Brett Favre. My pick: Take the Patriots to win! In the same survey, a full 102% of all American men said they had a man crush on Tom Brady. (And a certain Japanese-American man replied: 69 20 28 68 65 61 72 74 29 20 74 6f 6d 20 62 72 61 64 79)

Giants at Cowboys (Cowboys favored by 7.5) Tony Romo is a poor man's Tom Brady. Dating Jessica Simpson? C'mon! She's damaged goods AND she has zits AND her parents are crazy. My pick: Take the Patriots to win! Boston has sporting superiority, let's face it. Even if the Patriots didn't win this game, the Celtics would. And even if the Celtics didn't feel like it, the Red Sox would take it.

So there you have it! Pick Patriots in all four games. Drop me a note on Sunday night and let me know how much you've won!

Potentially Bad News

Evil

Hey everyone, I think I have Cystic Fibrosis. Will someone be nice enough to come over and thump on the back of my lungs for me?

Has Another Year Already Gone By?

Evil

Watching "Greatest Songs of the '90s" on VH1 tonight. Man, those are great songs. I'm sitting here, watching these videos and listening to these songs and it seems like just yesterday that they were new and fresh and speaking on behalf of my youth. But when I did the math to realize how old these songs are, it brings me a little down.

#10. Nothing Compares 2 U
1990 (18 years ago) -- Sinead O'Connor is crazy but if you go back and watch this video... man, you've gotta admit, she's got a great looking face. She was only 23 back then. I love this song. Hopefully, it will make it onto a future Women For Women compilation album. DOH! Did I just say that?

#9. Losing My Religion
1991 (17 years ago) -- I always hated the lame indie kids who were totally into REM. Whatever. I was 15 years old when this song hit the charts. I remember, there was one day when I thought about this song while sitting in band class. I played the trumpet, but not very well. No one in my band class could play to save their life. Except maybe this one girl who played the baritone horn who, rumor has it, grew up to be a stripper.

#8. Waterfalls
1994 (14 years ago) -- In 1994, I started college. Shortly thereafter, I would meet XTIAN, KenTak3, and Mr. Shoulders. And it was all downhill from there.

#7. Baby One More Time
1999 (9 years ago) -- Just squeaked in to the 90s. Oh Britney, now you know how it feels like to get old.

#6. Baby Got Back
1992 (16 years ago) -- C'mon now, this song is sheer clownery.

#5. Vogue
1990 (18 years ago) -- Every time this video came on, I scooted up to the TV and watched intently. I still don't know where Madonna's nipples are in that outfit. Did they have the technology to digitally remove her nipples back in 1990? It's a mystery.

#4. I Will Always Love You
1992 (16 years ago) -- This song came out half a lifetime ago, literally. 16 years ago, Whitney Houston was thin, attractive, and not coked up... and I was the same. Now look at us.

#3. I Want It That Way
1999 (9 years ago) -- Ugh. This song blows. Except the version by the two Chinese guys. They rock.

#2 One
1991 (17 years ago) -- What is this song about anyway? Someone said it's a song about AIDS. In any event, I think U2 is one of the most overrated bands of all time. They are not really that good.

#1 Smells Like Teen Spirit
1991 (17 years ago) -- And Kurt Cobain died 14 years ago. I was never a hard core Nirvana fan, but thinking back to when Kurt Cobain died still makes me sad.

Contentious Conversation

Evil

The following all took place in email...

-----
From: Evil
To: Evil Twin #1

going to circuit city to play rock band on thier demo setup!

-----
From: Evil Twin #1
To: Evil

so how was it? amazing?

-----
From: Evil
To: Evil Twin #1

ARGH! there were all these kids there hogging up the system. :( so i didnt get a chance to play. actually, i think i was too embarrassed to jump in because, dude, i'm 31 and these kids were like half my age. but it looked awesome just watching it!

-----
From: Evil Twin #1
To: Evil

:( sorry you did not get the chance. but just fyi the kids were probably more like 1/3 your age.

-----
From: Evil
To: Evil Twin #1

this is why no one likes you :-P''''

The Hosers Go To China

Evil


Hey Evil Twin #1... happy now?

I'm Hurtin'

Evil

I found myself at the gym, on the floor, straining and aching to do some pushups. Yes, I'm out of shape, I know. But this was an odd strain, an odd ache. It's my right shoulder. I feel unbalanced. Why would my right shoulder be hurting? In the past, I felt that there were only two good reasons for this: (1) being a professional baseball pitcher and throwing 120 pitches every five days, and (2) too much masturbation. (BTW- Mr. Shoulders had rotator cuff surgery a few years back. Guess which category he fell into?!) Well, now I realize that there's a third category: playing too much Wii Tennis!

I've been obsessed the past few days. I've been working on all the trick shots: fast serve, top spin forehand, sidespin backhand, and more! Next time I play against Mamacita or KenTak3, I'll totally be kicking their employed asses.

Who Am I?

Evil

We made the follow Mii's on New Years Eve. Can you guess who these Hosers are?

Speed Dating?

Evil

XTIAN says that I should go do some speed dating with him. He also says that you adoring fans will want to read about the results. Is that true? Can we bring KenTak3 and Bruno with us?

Super (Hero) Bowl!!!

Evil and I just thought up a brilliant idea. In anticipation of this year's SuperBowl, we are going to have a "Super(Hero) Bowl" wherein we will put together a 23 person team (11 offense, 11 defense, 1 Head Coach)

So far the participants are xtian, Evil, Bruno and Dr. Cosby

As a weekly feature, leading up to the even

Damn, neither of us are ever getting married are we?

WOOOO!

Poll Results

Evil


The results of our latest poll is verrry in-ter-es-ting.

By an overwhelming majority, our readers want The Hose to endorse a presidential candidate. Frankly, I did not expect this result, much less one that is so convincing in the affirmative. The Hose has always been a fun and lighthearted blog. So why would our readers want us to do something so serious like endorse a political candidate? The only reasonable conclusion is that The Hose has reached the upper echelon of journalism. Like the editorial boards of publications such as The New York Times and The Washington Post, we at The Hose should now bear the responsibility of endorsing a presidential candidate.

The Hose editorial board (XTIAN, Mamacita, and Evil) will put our heads together at our next planning meeting and decide on some next steps.

My Life

Evil

My mom just called. She was like, "What are you up to?" And I was like, "Nothing." Literally. I was at home doing absolutely nothing. Such is my life these days. Being jobless is weird. I wake up but I don't really have to get out of bed. I can watch as much TV as I want. I can eat whenever. I don't need to leave my apartment if I don't want to.

Although I will say that while lying in bed doing not much of anything, I had a brilliant idea. It's a new short-term feature that will be appearing on The Hose. XTIAN and I will both be contributing to it. More to come later!