Am I Retarded?

Evil



This is a new(ish) Obama video. Watching videos like this just makes me mad. Honestly, have we crossed the line from support to idol worship? What's with the "Obama. Obama. Obama. Obama. Obama..." chant in the background of this video? Seems almost like individual thought, conviction and passion have grotesquely transformed into a mass orgy of groupthink. I refuse to vote for Obama, but I will vote for the Borg.

To The Man And His Baby On The Subway...

F-YOU! You suck!

You know who you are. You got onto the 1 train at 96th street, same as me. Except that you were right in front of me, with your stupid baby in his stupid stroller. And you're an idiot because you couldn't even maneuver it right. So you barely got onto the train before the doors closed, and since I was behind you, it was an even closer call for me. Luckily, I had the wherewithal to give you a shove in the back so I could make it in.

And you got off at 50th street, also my stop. And yet again you were in front of me, gingerly pushing and twisting the stroller with your kid in it. Did you feel another shove in the back as the doors were closing? That was me, motherf-er.

Listen, unless you are poor (and you did not look poor, based on your clothes and more importantly, your kid's clothes), there's no excuse for not getting an SUV and driving your kid around instead of taking him on the subway. How inconsiderate of you to inconvenience us all like that, just so you can save a few bucks on gas.

Do You Really Know What You Want?

Evil

Back in the day, when I was still in university, there was a saying around campus:

"Barnard to bed, but Columbia to wed."

Barnard, being the all-girls sister school to Columbia University. The implication, clearly, is that there are some people who you want to have a good time with, but other people who you want to keep for the long run.

I've been thinking about this recently as I've been watching the Obama phenomenon unfold. I have a theory:

Obama is the Barnard girl

Right now, it feels cool to support Obama. It feels good. You might even say, with all your heart, that it feels right. To be totally honest, I don't know why I am getting so worked up over this Obama thing, because I am not particularly political. I am not even a registered Democrat. (Or a registered Republican, for that matter. I registered "no party" in New York State.)

I don't know what it is that has me feeling this way. Maybe it's my befuddlement over how so many people are swept up in rosy words and promises. Am I a cynic? Maybe it's my inherent nature to root for the underdog, which Hillary has become. I am not a woman, but I feel like women are letting Hillary down. She's the first credible female candidate for president -- and who knows when the next one will come along? If it were 50 years from now -- two-plus generations from now! -- I would not be surprised. But women and men alike, right now, seem to have "bed" on their mind. Not "wed."

Here is the irony: Obama is going to win the Democratic nomination. The contrarian in me will just have to accept it. But Obama will go on to the general election to face John McCain. And then the American public will take a look at the two candidates, as starkly different as they are, and ask:

"Obama to bed, or McCain to wed?"

And they'll come to their senses and go for McCain. And then we're stuck with a crazy old man in the White House for the next four years, or more.

Post-script: But what about the 2012 election, you ask? Surely, Obama will storm back and claim the presidency. He'll have another 4 years of experience. He'll be that much stronger! No. You see, in four years time, Obama will be old news. He'll no longer be the agent of change. He'll no longer be the fresh new face that the public adores. We will know too much about him. We will have seen his warts. He will be just another Washington insider. I don't like my choices in this election. I think I'm gonna go for Nader.

Date or Die: Spring Time Edition

I'm about to start up date or die again in the spring...watch out...i'm in the gym working out like a maniac...

Me and the Mamacita down by the schoolyard

Everyone knows I (heart) the Mamacita right?

I think she's fun and occasionally funny. Also, I am fairly certain she is quite fond of me, unlike Mr. Shoulders or even Evil, who I think she just tolerates for KenTak3's sake. I am fairly high up there, not as high up there as Le Troisieme...but close.

Why then, we should ask, do I keep picking fights with her?

Why am I saying funny things like "Oh, that's just the Mamacita, she's been planning her wedding for two years!" or "Mamacita, we're thru!"

It's very sad and I want to make a public apology right here and now...

So what if she undermines me at a dinner party that I blow off because it's raining and I don't like getting wet.

So what if she takes Evil's side during his crazy passive/aggressive attacks on my character

These things don't matter...they really don't...these are minor things...let's be friends

I'm sorry Mamacita, I think I'm just being passive/aggressive because I don't want to replace my favorite android friend...

It's been hard enough trying to replace Sleeve with Killer B #1

Desperate Plea

KenTak3 has been playing doubles tennis Wii for several hours. He has two new friends he can't seem to separate from: a blond girl and stocky guy in green shirt. I don't think he knows I am home.

Help. Can someone please call here and ask to speak with KenTak3? Just chat with him about sports or gadgets. I just need a few minutes break from the swip, swip of the tennis balls.

ET#2, if you do it, I'll give you the Wii, and throw in the Carnival Games CD for free.

Getting To Know Chinese People

Evil


For those of you who have Chinese people fetishes and always want to learn more about us... here are some little tidbits of knowledge...

FACT: Chinese people are bad at the "air kiss" on the cheek. They'll actually kiss you on the cheek.

FACT: Almost all Chinese people have freckle-like birthmarks on one of their ass cheeks.

FACT: Chinese people are overwhelmingly for Hillary, over Obama.

Mismanagement Of The War Against Low College Rankings

Evil

Xtian, KenTak3, Mr. Shoulders, and I all went to the same college. We were in the engineering school, which was part of a larger university system. I had always fancied myself as someone who went to a good school. When I hear about cousins and family friends who went to state universities or (*cough*) city universities or even that crap ass not-worth-the-money school, NYU, I secretly and silently laugh at those people.

Recently, an earnest new hire from my alma mater's alumni office has been reaching out to its graduates. Her name is Kim. She pitches us a discussion over a cup of coffee. Do I have anything better to do? So I say yes.

I learn at lot about my alma mater from Kim. Like how they have a 10 year plan to move from #20 to #10 (or better) in the US News & World Report ranking of engineering schools. We're #20!?!? Holy crap! I can't even name 19 other engineering schools. But now I'm hearing that 19 of them are better than us. That blow.

Kim thanked me for my annual donations to the school fund. She asked me why I donate. Then I asked her why she asked that question. Turns out that the donation rate among alumni is only 15%. "50%?" I ask? "No, you heard right. I said 15%." For reference, a school like Stanford has a 60% donate rate. Why is my alma mater so shitty? Kim says they are going to do a phone drive this year. For the first time ever. EVER? Who has been running (or should I say, mismanaging) alumni relations all this time? Donald Rumsfeld?

I just got another email from the alumni office. They've invited me to a party! WOOO! See invite above. Hmm... lemme take a closer look at this. It's an engineering school alumni dance party.

How many engineers do you know who actually enjoy dancing? Especially guy engineers (75% of our class were dudes). Let me see that invite again... But oh! They are featuring a special guest at the dance party... the school's dean! DOH. This idea was embarrassingly conceived. They'd get a much better turnout if they proposed an engineering circle jerk while watching webcam spy video from one of the Barnard communal bathrooms.

High-End Dining

Tonight I ordered take-out from this Italian place down the street. Minimum order for delivery is $15. It's just me since KenTak3 is "traveling for work" as usual and Bruno is on vacation at his grandparents in PA. Oh well. I get a pesto spaghetti dinner and small pizza - I'll eat the leftovers tomorrow.

Turns out, I don't have enough cash when Alessandro delivers the food.

Bzzzzzzzzz... (door buzzer rings)
Me: Alessandro, I don't have money. Can I walk to the ATM with you?
A: It's $24.37.
Me: I only have $20. Can I come to the store and charge on my credit card?
He volunteers to take my card and swipe it back at the restaurant.

Bzzzzzzzzz...
A: The minimum to charge on credit card is $35.
Me: Can't I come to the ATM with you? Or else walk to the store and charge on my credit card?
A: My English is not so well. The minimum to charge on credit card is $35.
Me: Can you bring me back a tiramisu too?
A: Tiramisu? I can charge on card?
Me: Yes.

Bzzzzzzzzz...
A: The minimum to charge on credit card is $35. (Hands me the receipt to sign. No tiramisu in sight.)
Me: Fine.
A: Fine?
Me: Goodbye.

So I ended up paying a 40% tip. Booo....! Does anyone want to come over for some leftovers? Must bring own dessert.

It's Not You, It's Me...

Evil

As you may already know, I'm the type of person who loves religion much more than politics. But this Presidential election cycle's got me thinking. I heard an interesting quip on TV the other day, about the two remaining candidates in the Democratic race. It went like this...

"The Democratic race is down to two Senators. One Senator represents New York, but was born in Illinois. The other Senator represents Illinois, but was born in a manger!"

The comment was said in jest and probably with some sarcasm and spite thrown in too. But oddly, I think it reflects what I feel -- or more aptly, what I don't feel -- for Obama.

Obama is undeniably a phenomenon. He sweeps people, even the reasonable ones, off their feet. He inspires. But he doesn't do that to me. I feel nothing for Obama. Except for a bit of annoyance sometimes. At the downward inflections in his speech. When he speaks like that, he reminds me of a college professor who I didn't particularly like. My ambivalence for Obama confuses me. I feel as though an important cultural train has left the station. All the cool kids are on it, but I'm still standing in town. I see them roll out and no one is even waving back at me.

Maybe it's the contrarian in me, but I think I'm rooting against Obama. Anyone But Obama. ABO.... ABO...

Overheard At A Midtown Sushi Joint

Evil

Two people sitting at the bar of a midtown sushi joint. They are talking. The bartender is also engaged in their conversation.

Person 1: So is your BF going to do a make-up Valentines when he comes back to town?

Person 2: I don't think so.

Person 1: Well, if it doesn't work out with him, you can always marry Mihee.

Bartender: Is that a proposal I just heard?!

Person 2: No, I said "Mihee." Not "Me."

Has Evil Gone Mad?

Now that Evil is back at work, I'm guessing he thinks he's all important and needs to be an adult again, instead of a clown. All this talk about hairless cats and dogs is making me nervous. Has he lost his mind? Also, now there's some random dog on the Hose over to the right - it's like he's forgotten who his real friends are (sniffle). When your life turns around, don't forget those who stuck by you when you were dirt.

I'm posting a little reminder to everyone:

He's wearing a special harness he got as a gift recently. You can pick him up very quickly, if necessary!

Booya!

I was feeling a little stressed out today, so KenTak3 suggested I play Wii to relax. I'm not sure how genuine this was since he has been increasily playing himself in tennis at 3 AM as a break from doing work, and I think he just wanted to play against someone else. (What a tool.)

Anyway, he whoops my a&&, and after I get all huffy, we switch to bowling so I can beat him. Here are our record scores:

Wooooooo!

You can't see her in the crowd now, but at one point ET#1 was cheering for us.

Who wants to come over and play me again!? It was a feel good moment, but if you are having a crappy day, I will let you win. (Note on the above though: I beat KenTak3 - he didn't let me win.)

A Distributed Dear Abby

Evil

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I hope everyone had a good one! I wonder if La Troisieme sent his signature white roses to any lucky ladies? I wonder if Evil Twin #1 and Steph had fun picking up guys. Post your Valentine's Day stories, people! Lazy.

Hey, I need some advice. Check out what I wrote to Evil Twin #2 yesterday:

From: Evil
To: Evil Twin #2

happy valentine's day!

hey, quick question... so you remember how i mentioned that [Xtian] and i are going to this wii party hosted by a friend of his? if big head and i go grab dinner before heading over to her place, would that be gay? after all, it IS valentine's day. so he and i would technically be having valentine's day dinner. what do you think?

And her response:

To: Evil
From: Evil Twin #2

can i come to dinner? then it won't be just the two of you...

That Evil Twin #2 is so squirrelly. She avoided answering the question! So I turn to you, loyal readers of The Hose. What do you think? Would it have been gay? Also, was it wrong of me to be worried about such a thing?

Evil, Signing Off From The Grammys

Evil

I think I fell asleep an hour ago. I better sign off now. Especially since I have to go to work tomorrow!

Alicia Keys, Featuring John Mayer

Evil

Alicia Keys is performing "No One," featuring John Mayer. I wonder if Alicia Keys has ever featured John Mayer in her pants, if you know what I mean. I say yes. Damn! That lucky John Mayer. Why can't I be famous?

Aretha

Evil

Not to be hatin' or anything, because you know I love Aretha. One of the all time greats, no doubt. But damn! Aretha. Put on some clothes! Cover as much skin as humanly possible. Don't even expose an inch if you dont need to. Because, woman, you are not lookin' good. Not only are you fat, your fat has fat. Your fingers have cellulite. You can pinch an inch on your forehead. You're sweating cottage cheese. I'm getting high cholesterol just by watching you.

Selling Out?

Evil

They just introduced Ludacris as:

Chris Ludacris Bridges.

Why is he going with his real name now. And why does he look so clean cut? He looks like Eurkel could whip his ass. I think he's selling out. He wants to be in some mainstream movies, like Marky Mark.

Kanye please stop

I hate kanye....

Did you notice he claimed he saved hip hop? Has he seen a sound scan sheet lately?
Stop it...spare us...

also, why did he diss common...better album and a production credit on all of kanye's albums

He does get props for getting the producers to cut the music by starting to talk about his dead momma as they were about to give him the hook...

Still, I hate this dude

chris "ludacris" bridges??

Your Grammy Moment

Evil



They are doing this grassroots thing, My Grammy Moment, where they pick a regular person to play on the Grammys. The chick who won it is smoking hot. Her name is Ann Marie Calhoun. But she looks Asian. Xtian and I are trying to figure out of she was adopted by an Asian family or if she just married a white guy. The second option gets a big "booooo!" from me.

They are making her play with the Foo Fighters. All that noise is drowning out her violin. Why did they decide that having a violinist accompany the Foo Fighters was a good idea? They should have made her play Pants Off Dance Off.