Evil's Ignorant Political Commentary

Evil

Hold on to your hats, political world... The Hose is about to have a bigger say in who gets elected to public office and who doesn't. Why the change now...?

Earlier this week, in a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled that the government cannot ban corporate entities from spending money to weigh in on candidate elections. So for example, if Obama is going after the so-called "fatcat bankers," said fatcat bankers can pool their money together and start running ads bashing Obama. On a smaller scale, you can really see how money from corporations and unions can really influence a bunch of Senate and House races.

And in steps The Hose... with our corporate coffers brimming, we're in a position to support candidates who uphold the values of The Hose. I, for one, demand that anti-depressants be covered at 100% w/ no co-pay in any healthcare reform bill. I think Xtian will demand an allotment of morning-after pills every quarter. Manolo will demand amnesty. KillerB is lobbying for government-subsidized back hair removal. Sparks is trying to line himself up with a high-paying, low-responsibility government post, something like being the U.S. Ambassador to Martini-kistan.

Evil's Ignorant Political Commentary

Evil

On the heels of the stunning upset in Massachusetts U.S. Senate election tonight, Evil would like to get you up to speed on the new world order...

* Martha Coakley - Buh-bye! Fate is fickle, isn't it? You could'a been a player. But now we'll never hear from you again.

* Scott Brown - Your biggest achievement wasn't overcoming the huge imbalance of Democrats to Republicans in Massachusetts. No. I'm shocked you were able to overcome the fact that everyone knows your entire manhood can be covered by just your wrist alone. (Thanks to Evil Twin #1 for that observation.)

* Harry Reid - Incumbent backlash! You're outtie.

* Chuck Schumer - Even as a native New Yorker, I find you to be a pretty big douche. Nevertheless, you'll be the Senate Majority Leader Douche after Nevada voters kick Harry Reid to the curb.

* Michael Steele - People don't give you enough credit for your genius. Maybe because you're bald and bald people still suffer from undue discrimination in this country. You engineered the statehouse wins in NJ and VA. And now the Senate win in MA.

* Newt Gingrich - You're too evil to ever be elected President, but I see a VP run for you in 2012. You'll be the Dick Cheney to Sarah Palin's GW Bush. Who can stop a Palin/Gingrich '12 ticket?

* President Obama - CMON DUDE! You need to get your groove back.

Watch It, Obama

Evil

Oh no he di'int!!! Obama lashes out a "fat cat bankers"?! This anti-feline bias is unbecoming for our first post-racial president. If you start a war with the felines, you better be prepared to end it. Also be prepared for Bo to be a casualty of this war. I don't think you're ready for the consequences.

Gestures I Am Not Upset About

Why are people getting so pissy about this bow? They talk about it as though by bowing, President Obama somehow put us at risk or signaled how weak we are.

Perhaps we would be better off addressing the source of our national insecurity (weak dollar, unpopular wars, petty bi-partisan feuding etc.) rather than suggest we must prop it up with firm handshakes and a stiff upper lip.

Thoughts?

Gesture I'm Not Upset About

Why are people getting so pissy about this bow? They talk about it as though by bowing, President Obama somehow put us at risk or signaled how weak we are.

Perhaps we would be better off addressing the source of our national insecurity (weak dollar, unpopular wars, petty bi-partisan feuding etc.) rather than suggest we must prop it up with firm handshakes and a stiff upper lip.

Thoughts?

What The F, Europe?

Evil

I do not know much about world history. In fact, I've only taken one history class and that was in high school and I slept through most of it. (Though to be fair, I think the teacher himself slept through most of it.)

I saw this headline in the NYT: "Europe Still Likes Obama, But Doubts Creep In"

The article is about how Europe is still not happy with Obama / The US in one way or another.

Can someone please explain to me what the F is wrong with the f'ing Euros? All they seem to do is bitch about one thing or another, while never stepping up to do the manly thing, like fight the war on terror. (Except for England. I think they've been OK.)

Taking It To The Next Level - Nobel Edition

Evil

If there's one thing that really puts a chubby in the pants of the International Elitist Intelligentsia, it's giving America the big "F YOU!" Witness what the International Olympic Committee (IOC) did to Barack Obama and the US recently. But alas! Perhaps the only thing stronger than their hatred of America is their White Man's Guilt. This week, the old European whities tried to right their wrong by tossing the Nobel Peace Prize Barack Obama's way. Nevermind that he didn't do anything to deserve it, but their guilt was just too overwhelming.

Well, you know what, whities? That's not enough!!! If you really want Barack and America to forgive you, you have to take it to the next level!!! We demand that Barack Obama gets all the Nobel Prizes. We have plenty of justification:

Nobel Peace Prize - Done!

Nobel Prize for Literature - No brainer! Barack has written two best-selling books and plenty of awesome speeches.

Nobel Prize for Medicine - He's going to reform our healthcare system!

Nobel Prize for Economics - He's going to pull us (no, the world!) out of this recession. Paul Krugman can suck it.

Nobel Prize for Chemistry - Joint award to Barack and Michelle Obama. They have awesome chemistry.

Nobel Prize for Physics - Another no brainer... the man can walk on water! Now if we can just productize this scientific breakthrough, we'll finally be energy independent.

Cmon, old European whities, make it happen!

Taking It To The Next Level

Evil

From time to time, I will comment on current trends and predict where things are heading. I call this series "Taking It To The Next Level."

Let's start with the status of the Office Of The President. As we all know, Presidential prestige has been in decline for decades now. The downgrade of Presidential prestige started innocently enough when Jimmy Carter got the shit scared out of him by... WAIT FOR IT... a rabbit! There was no way he was going to win re-election after that.

So in comes President George HW Bush. He lessens the status of our country's Head of State going to a foreign land (Japan) and vomiting on its's Prime Minister. Not really his fault, since it was probably bad sushi. Those sneaky Japanese! But still, a blow the Office Of The President nonetheless.

Once Bill Clinton takes the Oval Office, things start to get really crazy. Jizzing on an intern's dress and cigar-banging her. Not that these acts are bad, necessarily. The main problem was that the entire fiasco played out on 24 hour cable news.

George W Bush... actually, under his watch, the status of the Office Of The President got a temporary reprieve. Big ups to "W" for doing it old school and upholding the prestige of his office.

We all know the latest incident, where Congressman Joe Wilson yells out "You lie!" to Barack Obama during an address to a joint session of Congress.

So what can we expect for the rest of the Obama administration and beyond? What would be Taking It To The Next Level? I predict that during a future State Of The Union Address, the cameras will cut to the audience and we'll catch some random Congressman from some lame-ass Gerrymandered district rolling his eyes and making a "jerk off" motion with his hand. Yes, that's what it's coming down to.

Bad Hosts

Evil

Why didn't these two jagoffs (Obama and Biden) or any of their staffers make the effort to tell their guests that jackets weren't required? How inconsiderate.

BTW- Some news outlets reports that Prof Gates drank a Sam Adams while others reported that he drank a Red Stripe. Which is it? The American public needs to know!

It was universally reported that Joe Biden drank a non-alcoholic brew. What a p*ssy!

For completeness: the Pres drank a Bud Light and the Sgt drank a Blue Moon.

Bummed About Things I'll Miss

Evil

I'm planning to go back to Shanghai starting mid-July. But I'm already coming across various things in the US that I won't be able to attend because I'll already be out of the country. For example:

• Baseball Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony, July 26th. This is a big year because RICKY HENDERSON is getting in. Who has any doubt that Ricky's speech won't become an instant classic?
  

• Seattle Hempfest, August 15-16. Obama administration not criminalizing usage! This year's Helpfest is going to rock. I have the muchies already.

• US Tennis Open, Aug 31 - Sept 13. I'll miss roaming the grounds, hand in hand, with my #2 BFF KillerB.
  

Three cheers for big ears

More for the POTUS/FLOTUS hotness debate: Barack Obama is our hottest president and, dare I say, hot for a non-president. This article in Slate talks about how a woman should focus not on looks or wealth, because Obama, for example had neither of those as a young student or community organizer. I disagree! He was good looking then! Am I crazy or have people's sense of attractiveness become completely wonky?

Someone Else Getting A Free Ride

Evil

Just read this article on ESPN and it gets me worked up in the same way that the "Michelle Obama is sexy" topic gets me worked up.

The article gushes over the intellectual brilliance of major league baseball player Ross Ohlendorf. Not to knock him because I'm sure he's a pretty smart guy. But just because he's a professional athlete, he suddenly gets credit for being "brilliant" because most pro athletes are dumb rocks.

"Ohlendorf majored in Operations Research and Financial Engineering at Princeton, a major that combined mathematics, engineering and economics."

Ummm, yeah. At the university I attended, this major was also known as the major that people fell into when they didn't have the programming chops to cut it as a Computer Science major or the pure intellect to cut it as a Math major.

"The 126-page thesis is brilliantly written and so complex, only a mathematician would be able to completely comprehend its meaning."

Exactly how is this journalist, Tim Kurkjian, qualified to make such a statement? Did he actually ask a brilliant mathematician to read the paper? I doubt it. I am guessing this statement is based on a layman's reading of the thesis.

"His thesis was written on the June amateur draft, which will be held on Tuesday. Ohlendorf examined the top 100 picks from 1989-1993, tracked the progress of each player for a 12-year-period, starting with the draft, to determine the value of the picks. Ohlendorf studied the investment (signing bonus) and the financial return from signing the player."

Cmon now. This topic does not sound that impressive. I would estimate that the vast majority of the people I've worked with could have written a thesis like this one. I guess that's just the point: because this guy is a baseball player, he's apparently a genius. But in fact, put him into the same office as people like KillerB, Sparks, Xtian, Mamacita, or even me, this guy is nothing more than average.

The Hosecast: Episode 6 and 7 - The Return of Evil

EVIL IS BACK (!) and the Hosecast has him here for a double dip.

Listen to Part 1 here. Evil tells xTian all about China, the underbelly of economic hyper expansion and basket jobs.

In Part 2 xTian and Evil go over the changes to the Hose since Evil went off the grid. Evil unable to help himself picks a fight with a fan favorite Catjjy, explains why Michelle Obama is not sexy, and clears up the entire Marisa Tomei issue once and for all.

Part 2 is a doozy - A listener's guide is available after the jump
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Evil and xTian realize that it was Catjjy who started this whole attainable business with regards to Marisa Tomei. They find the proof here.

How sexy is Michelle Obama exactly? Evil and xTian had strong opinions here. Recognizing there was no competition for her in the "First Ladies" bucket. They guys moved her to a new one - female ESPN personalities - just to see where she would fall.

Where would you stack her up against Pam Oliver (=sex), Hannah Storm, Suzy Kolber, Collen Dominguez and Michelle Tafoya?

In other news, I was listening to Adam Carolla's podcast today, and they can't get Skype to work clean either! Big ups to our IT Staff.

Apologies for not getting one in last week, between the Memorial Day holiday and the Bump's flakiness I was not able to get one up.

Subscribe via iTunes here

Scene Stealer

Evil

Some people are good at posting about features they want to launch, while others actually launch new features.

New feature for you, Hosers! I call this one called "Scene Stealer." From time to time, I'll post pics that I rip off from various sources on the Internet. Think of this feature as "photographic quickies."

First up... a doggie washing machine! How awesome is this contraption? Too bad that little dog looks like he's being tortured. Waterboarding, anyone? Still, I might just have to get one in order to make fox terrier maintenance a little easier. (Source: Time Magazine)


Next up: very nice photoshopping job by the New York Times... check out Barak Obama as a Ferengi!

I kid! I kid! All the Star Trek nerds just had an aneurysm. This is Barak Obama as a Vulcan. It comes from a Maureen Dowd column that's not worth reading, as is the case with all Maureen Dowd columns. (Source: NYT)

BONUS! (Added a little after the original post was published)...

Wow, those innovative Japanese have figured out how to grow heart-shaped watermelons! I wonder if KenTak3 bought one of these for Mamacita on their recent trip to Japan? (Source: InventorSpot)

Wait Til I Become Chief Of Staff

Evil

This is a pretty entertaining article about how our Secretary of Transportation, Ray LaHood, hardly knows crap about transportation and doesn't really care to learn. Why is he the Secretary of Transportation then? The article explains...

“The friendship thing” perhaps most explains why Mr. LaHood is in his job. The White House chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, is one of Mr. LaHood’s closest friends, and wanted him around. Mr. Obama told Mr. LaHood as much when Mr. LaHood interviewed for the job in December.

So this guy is basically in a Cabinet-level job primarily as an indulgence to Rahm? Primarily to keep Rahm company? So basically, Rahm is Pedro Martinez and Ray LaHood is the little midget guy, right? HAHA.

I can't wait til I'm the Chief of Staff to the President of the United States. I'm going to make sure that Xtian gets appointed to the Secretary of Agriculture job.

Feeling Bad About Myself

I've had a humbling experience lately, and it has left me feeling bad about myself. It has left me wondering, "what have I done with my life". Most of you know me simply as a high flying marketing executive who spends his time jetting around the world solving serious strategic problems for Fortune 500 companies. But I am more than that. I am also a huge failure, a disappointment, and a poster boy for what could have been. This was made painfully clear to me the other night when I saw an AT&T commercial.

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You might know the commercial. It highlights a company called TOMS shoes, a company that gives away a pair of shoes for every pair it sells. They also happen to use ATT. The president of TOMS shoes, who calls himself the Chief Shoegiver, does the voice over, explaining what a critical role ATT plays in helping him be such a generous big shot shoentrepreneur (my word - trademarked). This dudes name is Blake.

I've probably seen this commercial a dozen times since it begain airing during the Masters - but I guess I'd never watched too closely. Otherwise I would have realized I know Mr. Shoentrepreneur. The other night I saw it again. This time the voice caught my attention. So I looked up, and his face caught my attention. And then I realized I'll never amount to anything in life.

Mr. Shoentrepreneur, you will see - is an aquaintance of mine. We actually went to the same college, though were only acquaintences in passing there. Eventually we both ended up in Nashville, however, and shared some friends in the same circles. At the time, Mr. Shoentrpreneur had received a little bit of venture capital money for what I thought was a ludicrous business idea (he had a patent to put calculators on grocery carts). I was also filing a patent application of my own, so I think we had a brief conversation or two about finding VC funding, conducting prior art searches etc. More of a courtesy than anything. I don't know that I've seen a calculator on a grocery cart since then, so I had forgotten our encounter. Until that damn AT&T commercial.

So, here I am a few years later - feeling kinda small because this dude happened to score an AT&T commercial for his cute little shoe company. Wrong.

Turns out Mr. Shoentrepreneur has a blog. Read these snippits and barf.

1) Being a guest on Donny Deutsch's CNBC show "The Entrepreneurs," was an incredible honor

2) At an all day meeting with senior leadership from the Obama administration, along with a group of the top young business leaders in America, to present tangible solutions and ideas re: economic policies. What an unreal opportunity!

3) Its always exciting to spend time with President Clinton, but this past weekend at the second annual CGI U was extra special.

4) I just returned from one month in South America where I completed my 9th shoe drop and took some time off for much needed R and R.

5) I just posted an article on The Huffington Post about how to give more and spend less for the Holidays.

Man - what have I done this year? I went to a Superbowl party. I visited a friend in Charlotte. I made Fanesca for the first time. Uggg. Not cutting it.

So - bitterness and shallow professional pride aside - I'm glad to see Blake has founded something really pretty cool. Good for him - and for all the kids running around the world in his shoes.

More teabagging

I live in the Bay Area, where any tax is a good and justifiable tax. But today I took a business trip to the Inland Empire – California’s GOP country. Hosers occasionally call me a rich guy. I’m not there yet, but I have nothing to complain about (though I would trade it all for a little more). Today I was cruising around with my boss who really is a rich guy, and a guy whose company we bought for nine figures. He’s a really, really rich guy. We drove by all these crazy MF’s protesting the tax system.

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Don’t get me wrong - we were all very touched that these working stiffs would cash in their precious vacation days to protest President Obama’s tax policy, which would raise taxes very slightly for the guys in my car, and lower them for all the sign wavers. That shows a real commitment to their countryman. Still, I’m not sure I understand their position. Are all these people really out here protesting a 3% increase in the marginal tax rate for people making over $250,000? Who would possibly be sympathetic to that position, except plutocrats?

The only other explanation is that these people cheered while their party dramatically decreased government revenue and increased government spending during an economic expansion, but are now taking to the streets because the other party is also increasing spending, this time to stave off the next great depression. That makes even less sense.

This is going to be a bizarre couple of years, GOP-wise. I predict they will put forth a real crazy dude in 2006.

Kumar goes to Washington!

Dude! So I have been meaning to post about this. Kal Penn, obviously known to millions as Kumar from the Harold & Kumar movies (I haven't seen either, but feel like the title sort of tells me all I need to know) and The Namesake, a too-little seen film based upon the Jhumpa Lahiri novel that I think is just great. If you have time, you should read that but also her collection of short stories called "Interpreter of Maladies". So good. I should do a separate post on this. Anyway, Kal Penn apparently has been doing other stuff, on "House" every now and then (also have never seen) but he quit to go work in the Obama administration in the Office of Public Liaison...WHICH IS WHERE I WORKED AS A WHITE HOUSE INTERN IN THE SUMMER OF 1995!!
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Just think, I could have worked for this guy instead of the doughy red headed pudge pudge I did work for. Who did nothing. Anyway, the Office of Public Liaison is the group that arranges for all the photo-op meetings with the POTUS. Ah, the lingo just comes right back. So the Ladies' Auxiliary of Iowa brings their delegation and they have a meeting with some elements of the administration and then the VP, or Tipper, or POTUS, or FLOTUS will come for a photo op and 6 weeks later, everyone will get a photo in the mail with an auto-pen signature.

It's not that interesting, but you sure do meet a ton of people from everywhere. And I'm sure that Kal Penn might just have to do some auto-pen photo-ops too. Maybe we'll call him the KOTUS.

Venting: Glenn Beck

I've never watched Glenn Beck before, but I've heard more and more about him recently. I've been home sick today, so I thought I'd see what this guy is all about. I have been watching for less than 10 minutes. I am already fuming. I can't believe what I'm hearing. Oh God.

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The segment is about the Uyghurs being held in Guantanamo. I've read about this case before, so I feel like I understand it a little, though it is certainly complicated. For those who haven't heard the case, there were 22 ethnic Uyghurs (ethnic group from somewhere in China) swept up if Afganistan following 9/11. The Bush Adminsitration later cleared them, saying they are not enemy combatants, but couldn't find a country that could take them (they have asked more than 100 countries - so credit to the Bushies for trying). Albania eventually took 5 of them. Leaving 17 in Guantanamo.

Anyway, over the course of the past 10 minutes, Beck has called them terrorists, rolled his eyes at the idea of releasing them, and then unleashed this jewel regarding his exasperation at the fact that the neither the Bush nor Obama administrations can figure out what to do with them:

"May I be really rude here? I think this makes a really good case to shoot people on the battlefield."

This, coming after he acknowledged that no less than the Bush Administration had cleared them as non-ememies. His guest, to his credit, looked stunned at this.

If Glenn Beck is pulling down huges ratings we can't be far from building a replica of the Collosseum, importing a bunch of hungry lions, and having ourselves one heck of a show over July 4th weekend.

Someone better find him with a bag of coke and an underage hooker, post haste. Otherwise we're in for it.

I like writing about Idol more.

Boooooo To Obama!

Evil

The prez is pre-empting American Idol yet again this week? This is the second time this season! What does he have to say to the American public that's so important? More important than seeing Matt The Roughneck bomb his performance this week? More important than watching Megan The Tattoo Sleeve Girl do her chicken dance?