NFL Picks

Teams within the NFL can be broken down into 9 divisions:

Humans, super (Giants, Titans)

Humans, 20th century occupational (Steelers, Packers, Cowboys, Saints)

Humans, pre-20th century occupational (Buccaneers, Chiefs, Vikings, Raiders)

Humans, soci0-economic (Patriots, Redskins, Texans, 49'ers)

Non-human mammals, hoofed (Colts, Broncos, Rams)

Non-human mammals, cats (Jaguars, Panthers, Lions, Bengals)

Non-human mammals, other (Dolphins, Bears, Bills, Browns)

Birds (Eagles, Cardinals, Ravens, Falcons, Sea Hawks)

Inorganics (Jets, Chargers - pictured above)

These catagorizations can be used to successfully predict the outcome of most upcoming football games, as shown below.

Jets at Titans: The Jets are one of only two inorganic teams, and the only one that makes any sense. Obviously, a Jet has trouble using its awesome power against very small targets, like humans and non-human mammals. If the Jet can land a blow, it's lights-out. But such precise aim is tricky. The Titan, however, is enormous. It can destroy any other land animal, as it has been doing all season long. But all that size makes the Titan an awfully easy target for a Jet. My pick: J-E-T-S.

Bills at Chiefs: Are there two more losing mascots in the history of mascothood than the buffalo and the Native American? Before the Patriots, Vikings, Raiders, etc. arrived in North America to wipe both out, these two mascots coexisted peacefully, but that is not an option in the NFL. Experience suggests we should look for the dude with the weapons (even if it is only a bow and arrow) to make ground chuck of the lumbering land-whale. My pick: Chiefs.

Patriots at Dolphins: It all comes down to the weather. The Patriots have musket rifles, a huge advantage over unarmed opponents in dry weather, but practically useless when showers dampen their gun powder. Compared to humans, Dolphins are big, powerful, and fast - obvious advantages in this game. But they tend to die in dry environments. The Weather Channel is calling for scattered showers in Miami on Sunday. My pick: Dolphins.