Near Perfection

Evil


People often tell me, "Evil, you're the perfect man." But it's not true. I'm merely NEAR PERFECT. Not totally perfect. It's hard to live up to people's high expectations. BTW- Check out my near perfect performance on In Bloom. 99%. 642 note streak!!!

I always suspected this was the case

Apparently there is a shortage of workers in Iowa.

Swimming Pool

Pretty song...no?

Booooooo

I hate Sex and the City. I really do. I can’t imagine a worse punishment in life than being with one of those broads, except maybe the brunette. She would probably make a good mom.

I hate it for a few reasons, here’s a quick rundown:

10 years ago, Sparkes and I would get drunk in the middle of the day and walk around the Meatpacking District talking to hookers standing outside of HELL you know just to ask them what’s up. Now it’s a Disney World for Euro-trash and 19 year old girls from Bergen County.

Women who navel gaze all day about dating on their blogs – enough! All of you…back to work…or something

Old chicks screaming about c*ck at the top of their lungs – you’ve seen it. You’re out somewhere getting a few drinks and some ladies are knocking drinks back like water and talking like sailors. This is what I do! I don’t need to be met crass comment for crass comment by someone who should have developed a better vocabulary 15 years ago at Wellesley. Seriously, Evil and I have a schtick, it looses all effect if we’re trumped by two blondes who thinks being 19 lbs too thin is a good way to maintain their youth.

Outsized expectations – Klosterman argued that Lloyd Dobler ruined it for everyone. I am fairly certain it was Mr. Big. Thank god Chris Noth is starting to look really disturbing…

I think that’s why I really hate it. I didn’t watch this show but it sure was popular when it was 1999 and the party didn’t look like it was ever going to stop. Those were good times. Spending money like we didn’t care, staying out till all hours. Manolo was in the strip club every night. Shoot, loose women abounded…awesome…

What now?

HMMM

I think this chick is full of it

I wanna go

Memorial Day BBQ

Evil

XTIAN called me last night, sometime after we both left the Memorial Day BBQ, hosted by KillerB. XTIAN and I agreed that having KillerB as a friend is 100% upside. He hosted a great BBQ yesterday. We sat on a rooftop, drank beers, and ate various types of meat that KillerB grilled up. The most impressive thing, perhaps, is that we weren't even on KillerB's rooftop. In order to "host" this BBQ, he had to commandeer the rooftop of one of his friends. And that person couldn't even attend the BBQ herself because she had to be at work.


I'm not sure what Manolo was up to yesterday, but I'll take a wild guess and say that he was alone, lonely, and having a terrible time with himself.

Warning!

Evil

Was at a Memorial Day rooftop BBQ yesterday (more on that later). La Troisieme was there and he was positively out of control. He's a dangerous man. Beware. If you run into la troisieme on the street, the only thing that will save you from being hurt is if he greys out before he does any damage on you. But best to avoid him altogether if you can.

Head Trauma

On Saturday I went hiking with the Killer Bs and 5ft tall Korean girl who curses like a sailor.

It was a fairly interesting hike. I recommend it. What I do not recommend is walking into a tree, which I did. Bad idea. Further, its a horrible idea to expect Killer B #2 to be any help at all. As I walked into the tree, I made a fairly loud noise which was met by a shriek that would have woken the dead, not from me though, but from her. I had to interrupt my own dramatic attempt to writhe around in pain with a plea for calmness. It sounded like this

"Ouch...please relax"

then I went back to writhing around in pain...

Experts Agree!

Last week, I noticed I desperately needed a haircut. Normally, I would venture over to Astor Place, where I would read a comic, just purchased at Forbidden Planet, as I waited around for Ledo to free up and do some damage.

That Saturday however, I was pressed for time so I just went down the street and had someone more local cut my hair.

She took a preposterously long time to get it done, given that she hardly cut anything at all. She also charged more than Ledo, and her breathe smelled like cheetos ( I could not figure out if that was a plus or a minus).

She will forever be my friend for one reason. At one point she stopped cutting, turned to the woman next to her and pointed out in Spanish "this guy has great hair"

This conversation carried for a bit, in Spanish. Both women agreeing my hair was awesome. I could not keep from laughing. Eventually it dawned on them that I could understand them.

"Yes, your hair. It's very nice. You should be proud"

I agreed. I should be proud. More than anything, I was emboldened. I faced the week that came with a renewed vigor and pride. No one could stop me. I was in the mood to take what I wanted at all times.

So Friday when I relayed this story to Et #2 and she agreed there was really only place to go. I licked her face.

Like a Billion Dollar$

I decided to walk home from work tonight, which includes a stroll across the Brooklyn Bridge. Not long after getting on the bridge I saw a security detail ahead of me, walking at a pathetic pace. In between the muscled shoulders of the security folks I saw the diminutive head of our mayor. Our billionaire mayor. I don't have much patience for slow walkers, let alone slow walking billionaires. How do you get rich lollygagging around? So I checked the bike lane, then stepped around to pass this lazy crowd. And then it happened. As I tried to shoulder my way past without getting hit by a bike, or tackled by the security detail, Mike Moneybags' allergies caught up with him, he turned his head left to save his female slow-walking partner the indignity of catching a Bloomburger in the face, and sneezed on me instead. A full on, wet, allergy induced Bloomburger.

"God bless you"
"Thank you"

And so passed my first ever conversation with a billionaire.

Two Big Weeks Ahead

Evil

It's only Monday morning but I'm already gearing up for the next two weekends!

Next weekend is Memorial Day. On Saturday, I'm going to my parents' house in Queens because my sister is in town and she'll have the two little munchkins (the niece and nephew) in tow. They're always fun to hang with. Sunday, I think there will be some BBQ'ing action, if we can convince someone with a back yard or a roof deck to throw a BBQ.

The following weekend is going to be even bigger. Evil Twin #1 will be in town! All of us who are curious will be able to see first-hand what depression has done to Evil Twin #1. And after a good laugh, we'll go partying to chase away the sadness. And my friend The AY will be in town too! XTIAN and I are going to help her make an audition tape for the next season of The Bachelorette.

Manolo Has Some French Toast

I didn't know what to have for breakfast...great choice...thanks DullerBiatch!

Manolo Orders Some Chinese Food

I just finished a late lunch from Canton Chinese Restaurant. When I order chinese, I usually end up ordering the same thing (General Tso's or Shredded Beef)...

Anyway, today I ended up ordering the General Tso's lunch combination (hot/sour soup & pork fried rice). After finishing, I dutifully went for my fortune cookie. I always follow protocol and add the "in bed" part to whatever fortune I get...

I opened my fortune cookie and there was no fortune...

The question is...since I had no fortune, does the "IN BED" part applies or is it a wash...I hope is the latter because even though it may be true, it is still somewhat sad to say:

Manolo has no fortune in bed.

So Shady

If you haven't figured it out already, "You Know Who You Are" in my previous post is from The Hose. Let's call him or her "Shady".

Well, Shady emails me today (like he's giving me a tip) to tell me that he's come across an add on Craig's list: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/clo/681923295.html.

Here's a shot of the ad, in case someone buys it really quick and the link gets taken down.

Can you believe it??? He posts his own used tie on Craig's list and wants me to buy it for a profit! That is so shady. Furthermore, the post says that the person is selling the tie since he doesn't wear it anymore... like it's out of style!

No thanks, Shady!

Wanted: Dead or Alive

Dear You Know Who You Are:

I want to buy this item from you that you have. I tried to buy it at SwankyStore's website since you recommended, and thought it was a successful sale, but SwankyStore has now just outright cancelled my order, since there are no more of these in stock. You must have bought the last one.

I am not happy.

I have decided that you do not need this item, as you have many other options. So, are you going to sell me this at discounted market value or do I need to come to see you and beat you up to get it?

Love, Mamacita

Manolo, We Hope You Like Jail!

Evil

Manolo will go to no ends to ruin The Hose. As if his graffiti incident were not bad enough, he decided to up the ante by ruining one of our polls. By stuffing the ballot box! Here's what the poll results looked like:

As several Hosers have pointed out, we don't have 40 total readers. So these results (much like Manolo's nether regions) are fishy right off the bat. It indicates ballot box stuffing, but doesn't necessarily implicate Manolo. Does it?

Well, remember this post? Specifically, this passage:

"Next step involves hosting an election about my future without telling me. I didn’t know there was a vote taking place until Monday with an hour left before polls closed. You know how little time that is to make an informed decision and vote. Luckily, I was able to access six computers and make my voice heard…otherwise I would have lost by a bigger margin."

Ahhh! A known and convicted cheater!

And the evidence doesn't end there. I went into the Blogger voting tool and looked at the IP addresses of where the votes came from. Of the 18 votes for "No Manolo makes me cry," 15 of those came from the same IP address block (a class C subnet)... in Florida!!! The only person I know who lives in Florida who would have the incentive to do such a thing is none other than Manolo. This is an open and shut case (much like Manolo's butt cheeks at a biker rally).

So the TRUE poll results, if you count the 15 identical votes as just 1:

By an overwhelming margin, Hosers think The Hose is a much better place (Like Heaven!) without Manolo.

What Did I Do?

Evil

Does Nora hate me? Does Zandrea hate me? Why? WHY?

Getting Into Trouble

Evil

Oh no. OH NO! Trouble is brewing with the Snaggletoothed Girl. And by trouble, I mean the good stuff that later (probably) leads to messy stuff. I don't know what to do.

Apologies

Evil

The management of The Hose sincerely apologies for the recent vandalism of our masthead logo. Obviously, it was the work of a cyber terrorist, aka Manolo. Rest assured that we have reviewed our security policies and made several adjustments so that this sort of thing never happens again. Thanks for sticking with us, loyal readers!

Fits of Fancy

Several days ago, Catjjy wrote something ominous on my facebook wall.

“I am scheming”

I had no idea what that meant. It bugged me a bit so I asked her.

“Oh I just want to introduce you to this girl. I don’t know her or anything but I know her sister. Her sister is awesome. I might introduce both you and Le Troisieme to her and see what happens”

I was a bit concerned. What was the upside of introducing both xtian and le troisieme to this woman. Le Troisieme is my brother and we get along famously. It’s doubtful that a woman who was interested in Le Troisieme would be interested in me. Regardless, I was interested, even more so after I got some key details on the woman in question.

• She has one of those jobs that indicates she is more interested in helping people than she is in making money. That’s interesting to me, she is mostly likely not that superficial. I can appreciate that.


• Her facebook picture revealed she was at least very attractive if not outright gorgeous


• She drives a mini (sigh)


• Huffingtonpost.com listed her address and how much she donated to the Obama campaign

Right, there was no way she would click with Le Troisieme, and no way he would be interested in her (bullet 2 aside, of course)

I spent the rest of my morning playing out a scenario in my head where I would meet this woman and charm her with my wit. Further she would be enamored with my hair. We would live in the mansion she inherited from her dead grandmother. In the mornings, I would be awoken by her playing with my luxurious hair. I would cook in the big kitchen. On Sundays in the spring we would read the NY Times in the park. I would walk around generally being really proud of myself.

I have no even met this woman yet, but somehow I imagine that our children will be striking…

Then it was about 1pm and I went back to work.

Is There Something In The Water?

Evil

Had dinner with XTIAN and Evil Twin #2 last night. OMG, there was soooo much moping. Mope, mope, eat, mope, mope, mope. That was our dinner. What is going on here? Why is everyone so down?

Imperfections, Part 2

Evil

(Note: This post is a continuation of Imperfections, Part 1)

It’s been a while since I’ve written about the iPhone girl. Partly because I’ve been so busy at work. But mostly because I don’t know what to say about the situation. There’s nothing really to say, I guess.

From time to time, I’ll see her appear on my Google Talk buddy list. Just seeing her name gives me a little lift each time. I want to IM her, but I never do. What is there to say? Sometimes I set my IM status messages to make it sound like I’m living an interesting and exciting life. Other times, I’ll set the status message to something cycling-related in hopes that it’ll catch her eye (she’s a big cycling fan and an avid cyclist in real life) and maybe she would initiate a casual conversation. But she never does.

The last time I saw her in person, we were out for a late, late dinner. We had just come from the opera at Lincoln Center. When we stepped into the restaurant, the hostess greeted us and comment on what a well-dressed couple we were and asked if we had just come from the opera. It struck me at that moment that, wow, maybe the iPhone Girl and I had really become a couple. It’s been a while since I’ve had that feeling – being a part of a couple – and it felt good. I placed my hand on the small part of her waist as the hostess walked us to a table. It was late, so the place was only half filled with people and half filled with the whispers of conversation.

As we sipped our glasses of wine and nibbled on shared small plates of food, we talked about all sorts of things. We were still getting to know each other. I had learned previously that she was raised Catholic, but was no longer practicing. That night, I was telling her about how I had attended my a good friend’s ordination into the order of the deacons and how, mostly out of confusion, I had received communion (“the body of Christ, the blood of Christ,” make the sign of the cross, receive the wafer and put it in your mouth, take a sip from the chalice).

“Oh, your friend became a deacon?”

A rhetorical question. She paused for a moment and glanced down at her hands. Then she continued, “You know, I was married by a deacon.”

I had just been thinking the day before about the iPhone Girl and what her “story” might be. She couldn’t be as perfectly right for me as she appeared. I mean, she’s 32. My age. People who are still single at 32 usually have some sort of issue. Some sort of problem. Imperfections. Downright flaws, even.

Some people are poor – makes them undesirable in the dating pool. Some people, not so smart. (Desirable in some dating circles, but loathed in others.) The physical flaws are obvious. So you see a really ugly person and you’re not surprised that they’re alone and no one wants them. But with the attractive people, like the iPhone Girl (so cute), it just makes you wonder.

I honestly never thought that dating a divorced woman would bother me. I had even thought about it in the past and the notion of marrying someone who had been married before didn’t seem to matter. The past is the past, right? I’m 32 and anyone who is around this age will have a history.

When she said those words – “… I was married …” – I didn’t know how to react. What to say. I was likely not very graceful in handling it because I didn’t say anything for what felt like minutes. And all the closeness that we had felt leading up that that point evaporated. It was obvious to both of us, sitting there, but just feeling totally odd and out of sorts.

That was the last time I saw the iPhone Girl in person. We traded a few emails after that dinner but the tone was cold on both ends. With each email, we drifted further and further apart. It didn’t take more than 4 or 5 emails before we stopped emailing altogether. And that was that.

The other night, I went out with a new girl. I’ll call her the Snaggletoothed Girl. It wasn’t our first date, but close. When I walked her back to her apartment, she nudged be against a wrought iron gate and proceeded to take to my lips the way that starving summer ants take to a spilled box of Hi-C fruit punch. She asked if I wanted to come up to see her place. I said, “I shouldn’t.”

Manolo Fails Step 1

I tried counting but it didn't work...

By the way DullerBiatch, I am not interested in any hugs from you...and it has nothing with you being gay. I just don't like you...

Manolo's Anger Management - Step 1

Watching Manolo implode these last few weeks has been hard. If we didn't live in cyberspace I'd suggest hosting an intervention - except I'm certain he would punch me, and maybe even break a bottle over my head. So, tonight I begin a new series to help Manolo with his anger issues -Manolo's Road to Recovery: A 4-Step Program.

Step 1 - The Countdown

This step is so easy even an angry child could do it, which is why I'm hopeful Manolo can as well. When confronted with something that makes you angry, like getting kicked off a blog because you suck, count. Count backwards, from 20, slowly, taking deep breaths. When you get to 1, you won't even remember why you were counting. I'm not sure how good you are with numbers (you clearly struggle with letters a bit), so I've created a cheat sheet for you. Just print this off, put it in your wallet, and you'll be on your way to managing your anger.

20.

19.

18.

17.

16.

15.

14.

13.

12.

11.

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Good luck Manolo! We're behind you 100%

Manolo's Animal Trivia

* When a girafee's baby is born, it normally falls from a height of six feet without being hurt. I am sad to report that the same thing can't be said for the time DullerBiatch got dropped on his head.

* Camels have three eyelids on each eye. They also have two testicles which is two more than DullerBiatch has...

* A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. I really don't know how Evil has survived this long.

* A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. I apologize Evil...I didn't know you were either a goldfish or pregnant...

* Cats have over 100 vocal sounds while dogs have only about 10. Xtian makes over 500 vocal sounds as he cries himself to sleep every night...

* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out...and Xtian can't get an erection...