Relevant Targeting Or Just Creepy?

Evil


WHOA. Look what I just saw on the front page of yahoo. Is Yahoo reading The Hose and placing targeted ads based on what I write???

I (heart) The Nurse Practitioner

Evil

I went to get my shots today: Hep A and Tetnus. Not Hep B because it's sexually transmitted. I'll have to try hard to keep the Indian women off of me.

I think I (heart) my nurse practitioner. Her name is Alison. She has round, peaceful eyes. She's built like a distance runner. She's blonde and sports a short, urban haircut. Very New York. After she gave me my shots, we had an awkward moment where we just stared at each other. It lasted for probably two seconds, but it felt much longer. Then she said, "OK, you're all set." Before I left, she suggested that I come back next week for a flu shot. Yay! Or should that be... Yay?

If You Love Me...

Evil

There's nothing I want more than this wi-fi rabbit. If you love me, you'll buy me one! Evil Twin #1, Evil Twin #2, and Mamacita... I'm looking right at you!

Outdated Move Review: Knocked Up

Evil


Watched Knocked Up on the plane ride back to NYC yesterday. This movie is exactly XTIAN's life! Or at least, what XTIAN's life will be soon. Here's the premise:

Chubby, funny guy meets hot girl at a club. Both get smashed on drinks and head back to her place. Various mishaps with contraception take place and before you know it, sperm and egg do their thing. Hilarity ensues.

Actually, if you've ever heard XTIAN do his rant about "I just need to impregnate" someone, this movie is what he's talking about. Because in the end, the shlubby guy and the hot girl become a happy couple, have an instant family, and live happily ever after.

BTW- there are other parallels in this movie, especially the lead character's band of tooly friends. XTIAN has a band of tooly friends too! One of the friends in the movie even has a girlfriend. Mamacita- that's you!

Hello from SoBe!

You may (or may not) have noticed that I posted some comments as Mamamcita. Sorry for the confusion! I've been in a constant drunk state since Wednesday down here in Florida for a conference. KenTak3 is now here with me and we are powering down for a few minutes before back out partying. I'm really hoping we run into Crockett and Tubbs. Manolo, where are you going to meet us?

By the way, we are planning on having an "art deco" weekend. Everything in South Beach is art deco.

Here's a photo of how we spent our day today. Can you spot us off a little towards the right side?

Evil Goes To Hollywood

Evil

As I've mentioned on this blog a few times, XTIAN and I have been having some pretty serious planning meetings about The Hose. We're launching this thing to a broader audience and it's going to be huge.

But I've also started to sense something sinister going on with XTIAN. I'm pretty sure that he's plotting against me at this point. Well, not plotting against me, per se. But he's basically trying to take all the spotlight for himself. While I'm out of the country (in India and China through spring of 2008), I sense that XTIAN will be making the big move to get famous.

So I've decided that I have to look out for myself and make my own plans. I started that earlier this week... during my day off in the LA area, I met up with a friend of mine who's a writer on the NBC show, The Office.

Here's me on the set of the show. I think I made a pretty good impression. I'm up for both a writing role and an on-air role. They're not sure what to do with all the talent that I have. I don't either. It's a curse, really. To be so talented.

They had me pose for some photos. I'm a natural.

This is what XTIAN gets for being selfish. If you run in to him, be sure to ask him what he's doing to get famous. He'll tell you he's "writing a novel." Big f'ing deal! Hah! Good luck, man.

A Surprise For Evil in Beverly Hills

Evil

It's 7:25pm and it's my boss calling me for the second time in the last twenty minutes. He's asking me, "Where are you!?" with a hint of worry in his voice. I tell him (again) that I'm sorry for being late and that I'm really close. My cab is at a red light and I can see the Beverly Hills hotel right in front of me, which is where I'm supposed to be. "Be there in one minute," I say.

When I get there, I hop out of my cab and immediately scoot into the black sedan he has waiting in front of the hotel. "So what's this client dinner we're going to?" I ask. He tells me that everything's been poorly organized and it's a bit of a clusterf*ck, but that our company is basically looking to buy this small mobile-related startup and we're going to have dinner and drinks at the home of the startup's founder. I'm thinking that sounds cool. If the guy lives in Beverly Hills, he must have some money already. I'm looking forward to seeing his place. I take mental notes of opulent homes, because one day, I plan to be a rich douchebag too and I want to play the part well.

We get to the apartment complex, buzz in through the gates with a code that my boss has on his blackberry and walk up to the pool area. There's a crowd there already... obviously, because I was 35 minutes late in meeting my boss at his hotel. Not expecting to know anyone there... but the first person I see is a co-worker. Then another. Then another.

Ooooh! This is my going away party! I'm thinking to myself, "Holy crap! They went so much out of their way to make it a real surprise by throwing the party in Beverly Hills." They had me fly in under the guise of some client dinner and they flew in too, most of them from NYC and a few from SF. How awesome is that?

BUT... this was the real surprise:

My brain is still processing the fact that I'm at a going away party and not a client dinner when suddenly, Mystery walks up to me and starts to "peacock" my outfit. As you regular Hosers know, I'm fairly obsessed with most reality TV shows and this year, VH1's The Pickup Artist was the best show on television (or just in my head, but I loved it).

Turns out that the reason we all came to Beverly Hills was to party at Mystery's place. Poolside BBQ, drinks, and chillin out. Working on our pickup lines.

Mystery's entourage was there in full force. Remember Joe D? He was on the show. Joe D turned out the be super cool. Really chill. Here's a group shot of us making idiotic faces. Joe W (far left) and Brady (far right) were there too. Kosmo, the guy who won the show, isn't in this pic, but he dropped by too.

Part of this Peacock Theory that Mystery has involves wearing outlandish outfits and accessorizing well because those are all conversation starters. And it gives girls a chance to touch things on our body. Like this, for example...

But even if you're Mystery, there are still rules... and one of the rules is that the apartment complex makes you vacate the pool area at 10pm sharp so as to not disturb the neighbors. So we took the crew up to Mystery's apartment, where there was more picking up to be had. Check out the scene behind me.

So there you go! My "client dinner" in Beverly Hills.

Crazy Surprise!

Evil

So you know that "client dinner" in Beverly Hills I was supposed to go to last night? I went alright and it wasn't no client dinner! Huge surprise... probably one of the coolest surprises ever! (You'll never guess. But you can try! Post in the comments section...) I'll post pics later. Not that I'm deliberately holding out on you guys. Just that the pics are on other people's cameras so I have to wait for them to upload.

And that "all day strategy session? for today? Doesn't exist either. In SoCal with a day free. What can be better. Woooo!

Now We Know The Truth

Evil


Well, well, well. Looks like our readers have spoken and the truth has come out! Mamacita, it's ok. We knew it all along anyway. Just that it felt too weird for anyone of us to bring up.

I Am So Important

Evil

Hi all, please try not to rob my apartment while I'm away for the rest of the week. Flying out to LA tomorrow for a client dinner in Beverly Hills. Then going to an all-day strategy session at the Beverly Hills hotel the next day. And by "all-day strategy session" I mean I'm going to pretend to listen to other people talk while starting at whatever boobage might be in the room.

Then flying up to the Bay Area for work. And by "work," I mean let people take me out for drinks because it's my last two weeks at the company. Yay!

So by the way, in case I didnt tell you in person... I'm quitting my job. Going to spend 6 or 7 weeks in India. Then flying back here for 2 weeks around New Years. Then flying out to China for about 12 weeks. Then after that, I don't know.

Still 'Hood

i am sitting here in the dark nodding along to this...word...

The Break-Up

Someone in my group quit today. She did one of those "Do you have a few minutes?", led me to a conference room, and proceeded to dump me while adding lots of reasons why she was sad it was over but clearly time to move on.

She's 11 years younger than me.

The worst part is that I knew this would end eventually (maybe after the Christmas season, I thought) but I wanted to be the one to call the shots.

What do I do now? Does anyone want to work with me? I promise I'm nice. I'm not bossy boots. I'm not controlling. And I almost have a crush on X-tian (which must be possible by a sensitive and thoughtful person) unless someone else votes and Evil wins.

That's not funny

I had the weirdest experience in the gym today. I have been working out a lot lately, striving to get back into California shape for my eventual triumphant return to the only place I have ever enjoyed living, outside of Sao Paolo. People stop and say I am starting to look good generally, and I appreciate their courtesy, but they're wrong. Right now, I look like a guy who played high school football and was in great shape then went to college and drank and pot smoked thru life for the next 8 years and now its now...The upside is that, by my math I look 26, just a "hard lived" 26.

But I digress, in the locker room, I walk around naked. I do I don't care. The unwritten rules is that this is totally allowed so long as we as a community of males who work out focus on whats on him as opposed to looking around. As a result I can walk around with out too much stress. While undressing post workout, I noticed that this brother over my left shoulder was a little to into my movement.

As I walked by, en route to the shower, he held his gaze like it was ok. As I got to the stalls, I had a new thought, what if he's trying to steal my stuff? I race back and decide to weigh myself, so I can see if he's at my locker...he's not, he's still sitting there shirtless staring at me "you dropping some weight?"

Ah, he's a trainer, he's going to hard sell me on working out with him. Odd place to approach a guy I thought but whatever..."lil bit" I said.

He just looked at me and nodded a bit, like he understood, all the while evaluating me, looking me up and down...

Unnerved by the voyeurism, I took a shower, I can see the hand towel dispenser from my shower and looking out I saw him again standing at the hand towel dispenser and staring at me till I noticed him. Then he quickly vanished.

This was getting m-f-ing weird!

As I put on my jeans (my pair of f-me jeans...the only ones in the world that really make my butt look good) I turned around, he was backing out of the locker room looking at me.

What the f*ck?

Does the Mamacita work for the NSA?

Check this out, a comment from the mamacita earlier today:

"Also, should we have real people visible on the site? What happened to no real names? I am afraid that the wrong people will go on Facebook, connect everyone together, and somehow we will all be indicted."

Lots of questions here -
Who is going to take the face that is the "O" in our site and connect it to a real name and then go thru the exercise of connecting all of us together? We need to do a lot of pattern matching across the WWW. I took a computer science course or ten. I know how much resource that takes. Who exactly cares enough to do that? Also, when did Dr. Cosby become a reader of the hose?

Bad Person: XTIAN

Evil

Went to dinner last night with XTIAN, Evil Twin #2, and ET #2's BF. XTIAN did the classic bad person thing by re-opening old wounds. In this case, Manolo was the victim. Apparently, there is an old story about how Manolo put a d1ldo in his mouth in front of about 25 other people. What a classic! That story will never die.

Re-design... IN PROGRESS

Evil

There's no way to work on the re-design in a separate copy of The Hose. So I have to do everything live. So everything is in progress. Not done yet! Please bear with us as we improve The Hose.

Boooooooo!

Halloween is spidering around the corner!!!

In the process of doing some administrative tasks this afternoon, I came across these. Wow-eeee! I think Jagged Teeth would be best for me, but (yowza!) they cost almost as much as Bruno.

BTW, who's having the Halloween party? I want to wear my new contacts in disguise.

A Fishy Voting Scheme?

Evil


OK, I suspect something fishy is going on with the latest poll. How is it that I'm in the lead with 6 votes? The only person who things I have a crush on XTIAN is XTIAN, so that should be only 1 vote at most. I suspect that XTIAN is getting his family to vote as a block on these polls. What a racket.

BTW- everyone knows that Mamacita is totally into XTIAN. You can even see it in the comments section of this post. She asks, "X-Tian, are you free on Friday night?"

Planning Meetings

Evil

XTIAN and I have been having a series of planning meetings about The Hose. We've been meticulously poring over a treasure trove of stats, collected by Google Analytics. We've been analyzing what posts you like and what posts you don't. We've also been planning major improvements for The Hose, to come in the near future! Including a site re-design. YAY.

But XTIAN has also been a huge pain during this entire process. I think his head is getting too big. Check out what he just IM'd me.


XTIAN: i think i got a small problem with you

EVIL: what?
is it a 4 cell problem?
soon to be 8 cells
then 16 cells
what are you talking about

XTIAN: where is your content
i dont think you are pulling your weight on the hose
i think its all me

EVIL: WHAT
who do you think is being funny?
ME!
ME!
ME!

XTIAN: thats our next poll question

EVIL: dude, that's 6 days away

XTIAN: we have to put it to referendum

EVIL: a lot can change in 6 days

XTIAN: i know
i am giving you a heads up

EVIL: my last poll question was the best one yet!

XTIAN: can you win back your audience in the next 6 days?
i think you're shot
nothing left

EVIL: i will not stand for this

Idiocy of Crowds

Evil


James Surowiecki is a windbag and that Wisdom of Crowds stuff is a bunch of crap, especially when it comes to The Hose. You Hosers are strictly contrarian. (Or just plain un-wise.)

So here's the way to interpret the recently-closed poll on marriage order. Reverse the results. Yes. So that means KenTak3 (with 0 votes) will most certainly be getting married first. Followed by J1M Wh1te, getting married next, with this next marriage. Then Mr. Shoulders, who will finally settle on an Indian mail order bride. He's so indecisive! Evil follows, marrying a charming southern gal who also happens to be a tall, leggy blonde (but Evil is not superficial like that).

Last up will be XTIAN. Poor XTIAN. No one loves him.

Date AND Die

Anyone remember this? Well rest assured, that nonsense is long over. xTian is back in full effect. Here's how it went down

I'm at brunch yesterday with some family and I get a call. I take it.

"hey"
"Oh hey, what's up"
"remember when you made that joke one morning about all my male friends being in love with me?"
"sure"
"well, you were right. is totally in love with me"
"interesting"
"He told me Wednesday and we had a long talk about it last night. This is only interesting because I have had intense feelings for him..."

At this point I tune her out and step away from the table so my aunt cannot press me on why I am flush white. I step out side into the second proper autumn day of the year. The nip in the air warming the cold streak that just ran down my back.

"interesting"
"I wanted you to know"
"apparently interesting is what I say when I have no idea what the f*ck else to say."
"right...I really like you I want to be friends"
"right, we should go for coffee next week and...wow...that was going to end very harshly"
"that's ok. I'm sure you will at some point want to say something and you should feel free to call me and do that"
"Sure...I'll call you tomorrow"

I delete her phone number the second I am off the phone. I make smoke with the cold air and my breathe. i stick my hands in my pockets and hang out with my family for the next 10 hours and about 10 minutes in I realize nothing is wrong and I'm completely fine. Just eight hours earlier, around 3am, I was walking through washington square park with Sparkes telling him about her positive attributes but not being terribly convincing at least not to me. Ah well....

Having said all that...Date or Die is back on! Watch out! I'm just getting started....

Welcome Home, Me!

Yawn! I've just come back from a week-long business trip to the UK. Reasons why I had trouble returning:

1. Everyone departs the office at 17:30 or 18:00 to go to the pub!
2. Everyone arrives at 09:30 or 10:00 (see point 1) to drink tea or espresso in the pantry.
3. Everyone is ultra-polite.
4. You can get a half-day's work done in peace and quiet, before New York comes in and makes a lot of noise.
5. The chocolate is delicious, and vodka from parts of Europe does not get imported to the US.

On the way back to Heathrow, an ultra high-maintenance American woman is trying to hail a taxi outside of our hotel. I ask where she is headed, and her cold reply of "Just that way down the road" leaves me waiting a while longer to fetch my own cab. A few hours later, UHMA ends up seated right next to me on the flight! So I say pithily "Oh, I remember you! You were outside the Hoxton hotel. Glad you managed to find your way down the road."

PS. England wins the highly anticipated rugby match vs. France yesterday. Well done, England!

Surprising Vote In Progress!

Evil

We're only half way through the voting period, but the trend thus far is suprising. I dare say, disturbing? Who are all these people voting for XTIAN? Is his huge clan of relatives voting for him because they feel sorry for him? Or is it XTIAN's harem of women, all hoping that XTIAN will pop the question? (That guy is so unstable, he can pop the question to anyone at anytime.) Or is it you, readers of The Hose, voting for XTIAN? Is this some kind of a joke?

BTW- the lone vote for J1m Wh1te thus far is from J1m Wh1te himself. Shameless.

Staten Island Style!

Watch this clip of a Staten Island Councilman completely lose it and you'll know where Mr Shoulders is coming from. This is Staten Island style at its best. Dont take crap from anyone! And lose your mind at the drop of a hat!

See You At Spring Training!

Evil
Sigh... The Yankees lost again this year. So disappointing. So many things went wrong.

Derek Jeter, what happened to you? You were Mr. Clutch, the new Mr. October! You made everyone forget about Reggie Jackson. And now what? Grounding into double plays left and right?

A-Rod: Leave already. Opt out of your contract, please! The Mets will gladly pay you $400 million over 10 years. They'll make all sort of unnatural moves to accommodate you, like shifting David Wright to SS and shifting Jose Reyes to CF. Yes, really. The Mets have such a hard on for you.

Hideki Matsui: OMG, you shamed not only the Yankee organization, but all Japanese people. You know what you need to do now! (Try not to let it be too messy.)

Roger Clemens: You sucked in this series, but that's OK I guess. You're lie 65 years old. Oh wait, the Yankees paid you $28 million dollars this year? For that? What a rip off!

Man, I'm really bummed. But I still love the Yankees. Unless I switch to being a Mets fan!

Fun Party Game

Evil

You know what would be a fun party game... I call it "Guy or Girl, Gay or Straight." Take a look at the listings on someone's DVR and guess if the person is a guy or girl, gay or straight. I saw the listings on XTIAN's DVR one time. Totally straight, teenage girl.

Poll Results

Evil


Is that what you really think of XTIAN, his dad, and me? That we'd be hitting the brothels for 2-adays in Ecuador? Interesting...


What kind of poll question is this, XTIAN?

Bad People: Manolo

New Feature...anytime someone encounters a bad person we post about it. This is the Manolo edition.

From a conversation Friday between xTian and Manolo

Manolo: listen...give me the Bumpasaurus' number so I can call him to party. I am en route to Orlando now.

xTian: The Bump is not available. He was in a car accident and has a concussion.

Manolo: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH

xTian: I don't understand what's so funny about a concussion? That' serious stuff...(thinking back sadly on the plight of Wayne Chrebet)

Manolo: Oh...you're serious...um...it was not a real laugh, more of a nervous one...I was worried.

xTian: You're a liar.


Even the Bumpasaurus was incredulous about Manolo's reaction. What an as*hole...

Date or Die is Dead: ET2 and the BF

ET’s BF and I had a pretty intense conversation over email last week. We had both been invited to a party and I was interested in going so I sent him an email

Are you going to this?

Yes I think so…would you like to do something before?

Yes I would. I think we should.

Great.

I just spoke to ET2, she says you have dinner plans.

Yes, she just told me that too…it slipped my mind…want to come?

No…

In the end, the girl and I went to Tamarind, while ET2 and her BF went to Bolo right up the street…

I had already remarked to ET2 that I thought the BF was asking me out on a man date and apparently when she told this to BF he got very self conscious.

“I am totally going to come on to him when I see him Saturday I said”

I even told the girl, concerned that early in our situation she would see me rubbing up on a dude…”I am certain you are not gay” she replied…what a good sport.

At the party, the girl and I commiserated on a couch, tired from an already rough weekend…when they arrived. I gave the BF a big hug…he flinched slightly. Then I invited him to get a drink with me.

At the bar I rubbed his shoulder as I asked what happened to our dinner plans. His reply “We planned one thing and then something else happened” hinted at something that he might not have intended to hint at. When his change came back his hands were full with drinks. When I grabbed the change and endeavored to stuff it in his pocket. He jumped about a foot in the air…this was too easy…it was not fun.

I did run back and tell ET2 and the girl about my aggressive move…The girl’s laugh more nervous than ET2s…

I'm Upset

Everyone on my team is Generation Y. No want to work much, on Facebook, text-messaging, feeling entitled.

What happened? Why was I born before this time?

Phanatic shoots Mr. Met

OH NO