The Hose

Evil

Dear God,

Whatup yo? How's the weather up in heaven? You think the winter will be mild this year? We've had two mild winters in a row in New York. Is it the Ozone layer, or were you just giving us a break? Anyway, dude... God, I was just watching the World Series. I take it you weren't watching. Were you distracted by something? The Red Sox won! Holy crap. Was it Mrs. God? Did she pull you away for the last 10 days? Perhaps you can undo this whole thing. A Mulligan. God gets Mulligans, no?

Be square with me, God. Who do you like better... me or Kentaro? Kentaro. Right. I figured as much. I don't get it though. Why Kentaro? Why Wilmer Valerrama? Why Michael Douglas? Why Mark Cuban? Why not me? Is it because my name is Evil? DUDE! That's just a nickname! Don't take it literally, yo.

So here's the deal... I was hoping you could help me out with a couple of things. Please. It would make a big difference. If you don't help me out, I might have to write a sad ass letter to Oprah. So anyway, here's what I'd like:

1. For my scrotum to sit nicely when I sit.

2. For this wacky open sore on my lip to go away.

3. For my mom to love me.

4. For anyone to love me, actually. (Not counting Manolo. That dude is a big fag.)

5. An all-access trip to the set of Sesame Street.

6. The phone number of a reliable drug dealer.

7. The respect, fear, and awe of young children.

8. Five golden rings.

9. The ability to fly.

10. Peace... or Reeses Pieces. Either one. I loooove Reeses Pieces.

Thanks God. You're the best!