Stick it to 'em HOWARD!
Don't call it a comeback!
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Bourgeois Tendencies
Recently I caught myself judging people I love. I was having dinner with some family, and someone was explaining how she conned some flight attendant into giving her a bottle of champagne. Her shtick included pointing out how both my cousins had recently graduated and how they were all traveling to SF in order to celebrate. As it were it was something to celebrate, but the point of her story is that she, as a high power sales executive with more frequent flyer miles than anyone EVER deserved that sort of treatment. She then lightly disparaged Southwest Airlines for treating everyone the same regardless of how important they are to sustaining the fragile airline industry. I, a product of Berkeley and Columbia but still a child of the working class, was offended. You see, I am down with the proletariat in spirit if not in recent experience and I think everyone (even the depressingly poor) should be treated well on flights. I mean besides, who the hell do flight attendants think they are? How much are they pulling down a year?
From my perch on a nice couch in the bar of a high priced hotel on Nob Hill I smugly judged the bourgeois tendencies of people who have only ever showed me love. I felt bad about it for a moment but then was reassured by my own smugness. Of course, later, I realized what everyone always assumes about me…I am completely full of shit.
I was flying to the ATL, Hot-lanta (Holla if ya hear me!) to resume my career after 18 months of waking up at 10am in B School. It was Sunday and I had to get in by Monday morning, my flight was at 5pm I would get in by 8pm and it would all be great. For a moment let me digress and point out that Newark Airport is the most ghetto airport ever. I need to stop going there and start flying out of LaGuardia; it’s really the only airport I can tolerate. By the time I got to the gate it became apparent that there was some trouble, the flight had already been delayed till 6 and every other delta flight heading anywhere (all of them seem to go to Atlanta) was similarly delayed. In the distance, a Russian man berated the desk representative and asking her if he was her slave. The attendant, repping hardcore for jersey trash, told him to shut up and sit down. Not knowing what else to do, I curled up in a ball on the floor and fell asleep.
I was awoken and taken and on board the plane by 7pm. Everyone was confident that we would get to Hot-lanta (holla if ya hear me!) by 10pm. I was surprised to notice that I was seated in seat 1C. That’s right! First class! My neck was hurting from sleeping on the floor so I welcomed this surprise despite the reservations of my inner xtian. When the flight attendant offered me a drink I gladly welcomed a rum and diet coke. Maybe it wasn’t so bad up here. Who doesn’t need this once in a while? People were asked to take their respective seats, the engine started, the plane moved towards the runway, and then the pilot got on the intercom and sadly stated that airport in Atlanta was shut down for at least an hour. The flight attendant sadly pointed out that there was no movie for flights of less than 3 hours. I pulled Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim out of my bag and continued reading. I gladly took a second and later a third rum and diet coke. Sitting in the first row I was able to put my legs up with my feet flat to wall in front of me and celebrated the leg room in the first row. I don’t know about heaven, but I can’t remember a happier moment in my life. While we waited the flight attendant proved to be very flirtatious and attentive, by my fifth drink I was gearing up to ask her to join me in the bathroom…
Into the second hour on the runway, waiting to take off, I was handed a very nice cobb salad. In first class, apparently you still get to eat meals. Who knew? Hungry as a mother fucker I gobbled it down in 5 minutes. Momentarily, I looked back and pitied the poor slobs in coach. How can people live like that? I began chatting up the attendant and pointed that within the last month I had (1) graduated with an MBA (2) had a birthday and (3) was beginning a new job. As a token of congratulations she handed me a small bottle of champagne. I thanked her profusely.
We finally got off the ground and touched down in Atlanta around midnight. As we were landing the flight attendant asked everyone whose final destination was Atlanta to stay in their seats to give the people connecting to somewhere else a fight chance to make their flights. I assumed these instructions were primarily for everyone in the main cabin not for the Brahmans in first class. I calmly collected my things and promptly stepped to the exit door. I was the first person out the door and made sure to step briskly to avoid the manic onrush of plebeians behind me.
What type of drunk are you?
So I go to Happy Hour on Friday evening with my entourage and even though I like to live in the moment, I am also kind of planning a few steps ahead...so 5 minutes after I get there, I check all the girls in the group and I strike a conversation with this young lady who is a friend of a friend of a friend...Anyways, she offers to buy me a martini but I had to turn it down...I told her I only really drink beer because I can't handle hard liquor. I tell her that if I drink hard liquor, I get drunk faster and when I am drunk, I get horny...For curiousity's sake, I asked her what does she usually do when she gets horny...she refused to answer...Taking her silence as a sign, and being the nice person I am, I volunteered my services...I told her that if its a long night and midnight rolls around and she is horny, and she wants to resolve her horniness issues, then I will gladly oblige...I explained to her it was one of those pacts old friends do (like, the one Xtian and Evil did that if they are not married by the age of 40, they will marry each other).
Anyways, she gets all huffy and puffy and walks away towards her friends (and I am assuming) to tell them what a dork I am...I later find out that she is a 26 year old virgin and nobody had ever talked to her that way...it turns out she was in a convent in Alaska for the past 8 years. Nice!
The moral of the story is that nuns shouldn't be out in public and least of all at a bar @ happy hour...
While we are at it, what is the deal with all those young single mothers? You meet them and then later find out that they have 2-3 rugrats back at home being babysat by their grumpy grandmother...there should be a law that young single mothers can't go out, at least not until their children are of legal age and there is a possibility that their 19 year old daughter is going to join the action.
Maybe I am hanging out with the wrong crowd....
You saw the note Bush sent to the new Iraqi Prime Minister..."Let Freedom Reign"...I didn't know Bush could spell "let" or "freedom" or "reign"...
Evil
BACK!
The bubble is back, baby! I saw in the news that some company went and bought SBI.Razorfish for $160 million in cash and notes. Consider that when SBI bought Razorfish back in late 2002, the price was only $8.2 million. 20x bump in valuation... not bad. Also recall that SBI.Razorfish additionally includes the assets of Scient (HAHAHA!) and iXL.
Monday, June 28, 2004
Evil
PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY
Congrats to XTIAN, who today is officially back in the workforce, earning an honest living. After sitting on his ass for two years and hiding from the realities of the world (aka Business School), I'm glad that someone is now earning a salary and paying taxes. I will also be glad when someone cashes his first sales commission check, so that I can enjoy the viewing pleasure of this new high-definition plasma TV.
Saturday, June 26, 2004
Evil
BAD HYGIENE?
I woke up. Body hurting all over. Hurting. Was I in a fight? While sleeping? Improbable, but I still hurt. Stumble to the bathroom. Don't remember the details. A shower might have happened. Then hunching over the sink. Listerine-ing. Swishing swishing. Spit out.
Running down the drain... Listerine AND A ROACH?! What was a roach doing in my mouth? Disturbing.
Evil
I wanna know who's managing Shannon Hoon's estate. Who sold out "No Rain" to Pespi? Have you seen the commercial? What is that crap.
BTW- XTIAN's favorite song to product tie-in is Jewel's "Intuition" for the Schick Intuition razor.
Thursday, June 17, 2004
One-Man Bukkake Show
Let me present to you a hypothetical situation that happened to (ahem) a friend of mine...A girl comes over to your (your friend's) new place but its "her" time of the month so you (your friend) is somewhat limited as to what he can do. In order to avoid paying the cleaning lady extra you (your friend) forego the normal repertoire of patented moves and you go for the old bj...you are having a grand old time and all of a sudden, there is "man juice" all over her face and breasts. You draw a couple of happy faces and stick figures with your drawing tool and then you pass her the bounty and send her to get herself cleaned up...
This aforementioned young woman then calls you the next morning and tells you that she just came from the eye doctor because some "man juice" had gotten into her right eye the night before and her eye had gotten all red and puffy.
My hypothetical question is that given the fact that she has no health insurance (damn the fact that we have no universal health care) and she had to pay close to $250 in eye drops and the doctor's visit, is my friend obligated to repay her? Are these risks she should have been aware of? Is this part of the fine print, part of the social contract? Are these occupational hazards and is therefore my friend free from any liability?
Curious in Miami...
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Evil
PASTY WHITE BOY FROM INDIANA
This is my outdated news commentary because I am perpetually 3 days to 3 months behind the world. Anyway, Charles Barkley made an amusing comment:
"I'll tell you what was really funny was . . . we always thought it was an insult when they put (Bird) on one of us, because he was the worst defensive player ever," Barkley said.
Larry Bird is right though. The league really does need more white stars. It's interesting to note that the league's best Chinese player is far and away better than the league's best white player. Witness:
I love how Mark Madsen is totally getting mugged in that photo.
Monday, June 14, 2004
Evil
MY PEOPLE
You know what's crazy? The fact that I wasn't invited to this...
YIN Magazine, which launched quietly a few weeks ago, celebrated its debut with a swanky party last Thursday at a New York City art gallery. The magazine--a fashion, beauty, and entertainment book aimed at 20- to-30-something Asian-American women...
I mean, CMON! What do I have to do to break into the New York Asian Media scene. Let's face it. That couldn't be a big scene. It's like breaking into a group of 11. Yet another affirmation that I am not popular. Oh wait, you are a blog reader, not my shrink. I will take this up with her...
On an unrelated note, but still regarding Asians. Did anyone notice the new Friendster CEO? He's Japanese!!! Scott Sassa. You wouldn't know by the name, but the dude really is Japanese. Check out his pic and bio.
Can someone fill me in on how a Japanese dude gets a last name like Sassa? Someone? Kentaro... umm, I mean, Anonymous?
Sunday, June 13, 2004
Friday, June 11, 2004
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Evil
Jack Black beat out Will Ferrell for best comedic performance?! COME ON!!! That's not right. Granted, Jack Black is the second most talented man in Hollywood (behind Robert Downey Jr.), but clearly Will Ferrell's performance in Elf was superior. I mean, he's like a 12 foot tall dude playing an elf. Talk about range.
Jack Black is going nuts during is acceptance speech. HEY! I just saw a pigeon fly out of his beard. Did anyone else catch that? That was crazy.
Evil
Eve, Ice Cube, and the goblin are presenting an award. The goblins in definitely the star of this show. They are presenting for best fight.
Keanu vs. Hugo Weaving
Queen Latifa vs. Missy Who?
Uma vs. That sexy little schoolgirl!!!
Hugh Jackman vs. someone
The Rock vs. some dudes in a jungle
UMA WINS! That Japanese schoolgirl was way sexy. I bet I could take her.
Evil
Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore just won for best on screen team. Hey, when did Drew become so thin? Her legs are looking great. Is she on Trimspa?
YO!
YO!
Why is their acceptance speech being bleeped all over the place. This is cable! WTF? This blows. This blows like an insecure 16 year old looking for acceptance.
there is a troll imprisoned under the stand...someone get him out! He's trapped!
Uma Thurman is drunk and just implied Tarantino was dead ?! She just said that Kill Bill was about women voting....right...sure...
Did anyone notice that both Jaime and Cruise had a shit face on when they kissed Uma as congratulations...it was totally like "ew...girls...boobs...ew" who are these guys? Carson and Jai Rodriguez?
You know what would be a sick porno video? Christina Aguilera, Sharon Stone and Lil John! They could do something with molases and Lil John could be yelling "YEAAAAAAAAAAAH" the whole time. I always figured sharon stone would suck in bed...i dunno why...but Xtina might make someone take a dump on her.
I am not sure what gives Ashlee the right to judge what anyone is wearing...her dress looks like Jean-Paul Guiter and P Diddy got in a hissy fight with yellow paint. She looks like Jessica but only after 35 surgeries to combat the effects of a disfiguring car accident.
Paris Hilton: so ummm...what's your favorite movie?
Matthew Perry: Ummmm
PH:...
MP: Did you ever watch "Jacob's Ladder"?
PH: No
MP: It's a scary movie
PH: I'll have to watch it...and now lets cut to Sway
MP: HuH?
Xtian: The problem with having Paris do red carpet interviews is that she has the personality of a newt and also that she's wearing clothes....
Staring the pregame show!
Suchin is live (five days after the event was recorded) from the red carpet as Suchin, Lil John and Paris Hilton are here to say hello!
Suchin goofs on Lil John for 3 minutes without him noticing. Does anyone else think lil john is high as hell?
Ashley Simpson looks like Jessica but hit by a baseball bat!
Evil
NOT AN OUTDATED MOVIE REVIEW -- Garden State
I caught an advanced screening of Garden State earlier this week. The movie stars Natalie Portman, who -- I am disappointed to report -- looks a bit older and a lot less space-er-iffic than the last time I saw her. Why can't 14 year old girls remain 14 forever? Oh wait, forget I said that last part. Anyway, the movie also stars some other dude, whose character grew up in New Jersey, which means that his character was basically unbearable. I mean, popping anti-depressants, moping around, bouncing around Hollywood doing various acting gigs. Why can't that guy just get a cushy job at Morgan Stanley and drive around in an Audi? That's clearly the thing to do.
Back to Natalie Portman. She was great. Greater than great. Her character is some spazz. They used a medical term to describe it. Eppilepstick. Something like that. She was so spazzy, she needed to wear a helmet on a day to day basis. I thought that was great. Natalie Portman looks cute in a helmet. And besides that, she did a great job with the character because the character could have easily been one annoying chick, but as it turned out, what might have been annoying turns out to be endearing.
To be honest, I don't remember much about the movie. I'm a bad movie watcher that way. It did have a prominent soundtrack tho. Too prominent. Every other scene cut away to some "emo" track. I mean, wasn't Kid A so 5 years ago?
Did I have a point? Clearly not. I am just trying to up my word count! HAH!
Evil
Some of you might be wondering's what's the latest with my nephew, Jason. You know, the emotionally-scarred-by-parents, unhealthy-relationship-with-food, emotionally-withdrawn kid. Well, my sister reports that Jason was caught hitting another kid in daycare because the other kid tried to take his sippy cup. Jason's favorite word is "NO!", which he uses in almost all contexts, but maybe that's because he only knows two words (the other is "Daddy"). The kid hasn't learned how to say "Mommy" yet, which I think is hilarious.
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
Monday, June 07, 2004
Evil
THE OFFICIAL PASTTIME OF SUMMER
There's a simple way to tell whether or not your neighborhood is keepin' it real: by the amount of stoop-sitting that takes place. I just moved and I've noticed that there's much stoop-sitting activity around me and I'm glad to see that. It reminds me of the old neighborhood, of growing up. The old neighborhood had lots of stoops and also lots of asses to sit on them. The asses mostly belonged to Colombian dads and moms. On summer evenings, my parents always liked to go for walks around the neighborhood -- mostly from our house to the elementary school and back. This was before everyone had cable and Xbox, so after-dinner family entertainment was decidedly low tech. I remember we would walk past house after house, decorated with sitters on their stoops. The kids of the family would be out front, kicking around a soccer ball. My dad liked to cheer, "Maradona! Maradona!" when he saw Colombian kids playing soccer. In retrospect, I don't know if that was a stupid thing to say or what because I wouldn't want no Colombian dude coming up to me and cheering "General Tso! General Tso!" I'm just glad no one ever got popped in the eye.
Anyway, my new neighborhood is kind of like the old neighborhood, except that most of the families here are black. Not much kicking around of soccer balls, but there is much grilling of meats on the street. On a random summer night, I see at least one active grill per block, you know, the ones that are huge half-spheres will three legs sticking out of them. Seeing this makes me want to get a grill. I swear I could eat grilled meats three times a day. But I'm hesitating on that decision because really, how sad would that look? Some random Chinese dude who is grilling all by himself. Most likely I will also be sobbing quietly to myself. Also likely, I will be wearing clown makeup.
I don't know. Maybe I'll get a grill anyway. I'm going to go think about it. Outside, sitting on the stoop.
Evil
Go Pistons! Who's better than Ben Wallace? Nobody!
I am a little disappointed that the NBA Finals are on ABC. I liked it much better when the earlier rounds were on NBC, or whatever network has Marv Albert and Mike Fratello. I love it during Laker games when Kobe drives to the hoop and the announcer shouts, "WHAT GREAT PENETRATION BY KOBE!" It gives me the mental image that Marv and The Czar are doing play-by-play for a Kobe rape scene. That shit cracks me up every time.
(The above is funny all around, besides just the Kobe/rape thing... Marv Albert and sexual deviance is a winner every time. And imagine The Czar telestrating a rape. This could be an edgy SNL skit, if SNL were an x-rated show.)
Sunday, June 06, 2004
2004 MTV Movie Awards
This thursday I will be watching the 2004 MTV Movie Awards with my brother, Pacey. Similar to what Evil and I have done in the past, we are going to try to do some real time commentary. LIndsay Lohan's boobs are hosting so its probably ripe with material. Hopefully, Sleeve, Cheo and Evil can jump on to lend a hand...
Saturday, June 05, 2004
Evil
OFFICE CLOWNERY
Although I supposedly work with a bunch of smart people, sometimes I think everyone is just a clown inside. (I know I am.) Here are some crazy ass observations from around the office.
One. There's a sign posted above the main fax machine. It reads, "Please don't throw out any signed contracts that come in on this fax!" DUDE, I couldn't imagine that this sign was put up for no reason. Can you imagine that at some point, some clown was going around trashing signed contracts? Isn't that the only important thing that comes in via fax? Who knows.
Two. Our VP of Sales sent an email to the entire office yesterday. It was a plea for everyone to be more considerate... stuff like, please don't throw trash on the ground, and please don't go around knocking over garbage cans. The email was bizarre. It came from the guy whose team has a $1 Billion quota for the year (or something like that. Or maybe the quota is a trillion. It's a big number, let's just say that). And he's concerning himself with how trashy (literally!) the office looks. At one point, I thought the email was going to say, "And one last thing, if you take a shit in the bathroom, please don't smear your feces all over the walls." But he didn't actually write that. I was relieved. (No one has caught me yet!)
Three. We have the cutest summer intern ever! Of all time!!! She's from some small university that I never heard of. Given that this company is known for hiring brainiacs, I am going to assume this girl slid by on her looks. And boy am I glad she did! My morale has been up 100% since she's been here. Just by virtue of ogling her for 45 minutes (cumulative) each day.
Yesterday was Friday and the intern clearly ran out of business clothes. She shows up to work wearing something that probably belonged to her mom. Ill-fitting. Old-fashioned looking. Crazy outfit that made her look like a 1950's secretary. But whatever, she is way cute. Not hot. Cute. Like, cute face, nice body, if slightly chubby. This girl fits into one of two profiles, but definitely nothing in between...
Profile A: Cute. Has never been poked.
Profile B: Has been poked continuously since age 14. Abandoned vaginal at around age 17. Now exclusively into anal.
I'm not sure which it is.
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