The Hose

Gay Cruise???

So I just recently spent a few days in the Caribbean, and boy oh boy, are my arms tired! (rim shot)…

Anyways, I was on a 10 day cruise through the Bahamas, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico and the US Virgin Islands. Good times, good times!!!

And no Mr. Evil, it was not a gay cruise!!!

A few general warnings though for anyone thinking of taking a cruise…

1) Make sure you hit the gym before taking a cruise…I don’t mean you need to be all Adonis like but it’s a fact that you will gain 15-20 pounds when everything is said and over. There is food left and right and you really never stop eating. I think I hit my low point when I took my pent-up aggression against the French and their lack of support for the war in Iraq by eating all by myself a 4 feet tall chocolate Eiffel Tower...(picture to come later).

2) Do not talk to old ladies…As we were leaving port one day, we were buffeted by huge gusts of wind. Anyways, there was this old woman holding on to her hat for dear life which meant that her flower dress was flapping in the winds, and yes, she had no underwear on. I assume she didn’t know what kind of show she was putting on so I politely informed her of the fact. She resentfully turned to me and stated “Listen SONNY, this is a new hat and I am not letting it go. What I have down there is 82 years old and if you or anybody else on this boat gets off by staring at my 82 year-old pu$$&, there is really nothing I can do about it."

3) Please be aware that any mirrors you see are two-way mirrors and is a good indication of where the security office is. After 9/11, they take security very seriously. If you see a door marked “Crew”, do not feel inclined to walk in looking for the crew’s night club/bar. Otherwise, you will find yourself behind one of the aforementioned two-way mirrors watching people pick their nose…

4) And finally, at no point ask a crew member when the next chimp knife fights or the bullfights are going to start…They don’t really get to watch the Simpsons that often on TV and don’t find it funny as you or I….


Yankee Fan in South Florida

The last week or so have been really tough for this Yankee fan…I am still shell shocked that the Yankees lost…I will be honest and tell you that I didn’t mind it Saturday night that much. Perhaps it was because the loss was still too fresh or that the good people of South Beach decided to strip and run naked down Ocean Drive…

I was really upset this past Tuesday though as I had to constantly waltz past all these new found Marlins fans. The Marlins have fans coming out of the woodworks like little cockroaches… I will bury them cockroaches...

With the possible exception of Venezuela who fields a baseball team during the winter league season, I am especially upset at the South Americans…Freaking Ecuadorians and Colombians and Peruvians and Brazilians walking around Calle Ocho waving their flags like they won the World Cup or something. Xtian, you were in Brazil this summer…did you see any kids playing baseball in the means streets of Rio de Janeiro???

I doubt it very much...