The Hose

Evil


Let's do a little mental exercise, shall we? C'mon, it'll be fun!

The picture above is that of a baby walker. I trust you've all seen one of these contraptions in action at one point or another (despite the meagerness of your lives). Now try to imagine a similar jig... not for babies, but for dogs! Doggie slips into a little harness supported by a lightweight aluminum frame. The whole thing is on wheels and doggy scoots along the ground with the effective body weight of a mutt on the moon. Can you see it?

Well get this. I saw a woman walking her dog in such a contraption today! (I wish I had my camera with me, but I didn't.) The little dog was scooting along free and easy. Barely an effort.

When I caught hold of this, I did what came most naturally to me. Now, those of you who know me probably know that sometimes I say out loud thoughts that are in my head. You might also know that sometimes I have no idea how loud I'm talking, despite the fact that I'm talking really damn loud. As this woman and her pooch cross in front of me, I go: "DAMN WOMAN, YOUR DOG NEEDS TO TOUGHEN UP!"

She shot a nasty glare in my direction, as if to say, "Go put on a rice hat and build me a railroad, Chinaman." Okay, maybe I was overly-defensive there. But in any event, there I was... standing next to a woman whom I had clearly just insulted. I weighed my options:

1. Pretend I never said anything in the first place and give the woman a bewildered look. Bank on the fact that her being a white, older woman from the upper east side also makes her cuh-ray-zee. See if she will crumble under her own self doubt.

2. Think of a witty follow-up line to diffuse the tension. The downside of this option is that I have to think of a witty follow-up line.

3. Run away.

In that moment of truth, I went with Option 3. I think my mom, my friends, my minister, every teacher I've had from Kindergarten thru 12th grade, and my parole officer would all be proud of me.