The Good/Bad Old Days



I just finished The Bad Guys Won! by Jeff Pearlman (an SI writer of some note and a Long Island guy of no note). The book is the true story of the greatest baseball team to ever grace a diamond...the 1986 NY Baseball Mets. Great stuff, everyone should hear about the coke excess and the hookers, and the backstabbing and how Daryl used to hate Gary Carter and call him camera because he was such a phony, and used to pop him in the face and so forth. I mention this because its funny - everyone should read as Kevin Mitchell denies slitting a cat's throat in front of Doc Gooden as an intimidation tactic. It's also important because of what I read on page 281.

Regarding whatever happened to then Met’s setup man, eventual closer and forever jackass, Randy Meyers, Pearlman writes:

“Randy Meyers saved 30-plus games six times including a career high 53with the Cubs in 1993….he lives in relative seclusion in Vancover, Washington where he hunts, fishes and practices Martial Arts. “

Wha? seclusion? Martial arts? hunting? Randy's clearly gone around the bend. I think Jeff forgot to mention the anti technology manifestos and the ritualistic sacrificing...

What’s in a name?

As mentioned in a previous post, the VMAs were in town this past weekend and I was lucky enough to get a ticket for the MTV VMA Block Party. I have no idea why I went…its not like I care who these people are and as a few of our readers will attest, I know very little about pop culture. The little I know I have picked up from hanging out with Xtian and my knowledge base mainly revolves around which videos have the most scantily clad voluptuous women. By the way, it’s usually the hip hop videos…

So there I am and I don’t know which end is up. Usher was there (who from what I hear it’s now supposed to be a gangsta rapper) and Jojo and Lil Jon were at one of the other stages…I also saw Puff Daddy who I knew from that “Every breath you take” song. Anyways, trying to fit in with the younger crowd I give a shout to Puffy. Two girls turn around, rolled their eyes and chastised me for calling him Puffy. “It’s P. Diddy now!”

The point of the story is to see if anyone remember a few years ago when Xtian announced that henceforth he was to be billed as Xtian and not the shorter version of his name which is what everybody called him? Does anyone also remember his attempts at variations of his name? He would use his middle name or his mother’s maiden name...

Word was that Xtian, who once seemed so cavalier about his name, was known to sternly admonish those who dare address him as X to “please call me Xtian”. I want to know if anyone got chastised for calling him plain old “Chris”…I certainly did…

Xtian’s stab at respect by changing his name from a diminutive to its more formal version was clearly an attempt to gain credibility and to lend him a much-needed air of maturity but the question we ask today was that the right move? I know it worked for Marky Mark (shout to Entourage on HBO) but did it work for Xtian? Does anyone actually respect him? Does anyone think of him as mature?

We have Sean Combos changing it to P. Diddy and we have Jennifer Lopez to JLo and who knows who else…Is Xtian going to go back to the shorter version once VH1 and MTV comes on knocking…

Anyways, going back to the VMAs, it was too hot, and I was too far from the red carpet so I went home and watched the Olympics Closing Ceremonies…Go Beijing 2008!

Evil

The MTV VMA pre-show has been going on strong for 30 minutes now, but no one is online to real-time blog with me. Maybe no one likes me. In desperation, I even checked out what ericf was up to. Mind you, ericf is like 35, has three daughters, and was a senior manager even years ago, when XTIAN and I worked for him.


EVIL: are you watching the MTV Video Music Awards?
ericf: no
ericf: why - interesting?
EVIL: oh
EVIL: why not?
EVIL: hahaha
ericf: lol - world series of poker, man!


I'm not sure who in that conversation was more lame.

Evil

They were showing the women's Olympic Tae Kwon Do competition on CNBC. If you're like me and not very familiar with Tae Kwon Do, let me catch you up quickly: this is a martial arts discipline that involves a lot of kicking. Specifically, a lot of kicking of your opponent's crotch area. How insane is that.



Being a dude, I'm not exactly sure how it feels for a woman to get kicked in the coochie, but I imagine it couldn't feel great. The weird thing about watching the TKD competition is that those chicks didn't even flinch. They just kept coming out with more kicks -- thereby exposing their coochie area again -- and then getting kicked all over again. I am baffled. Someone who owns a coochie please clear things up for me.

Semi-Famous

MTV is in town...therefore every club and bar has some sort of VMA event for better or for worse. Anyways, I find myself last night at Crobar with all sorts of semi-famous people. You know, those individuals that have some claim to fame which allows them to pass the velvet rope outside and look down on the little people...They give a nod to the bouncer and they bypass a line of 50 people...

Do you know who I am talking about? I am talking about that big breasted chick who got a high colonic from a girl who went to traffic school with Jennifer Lopez's Mom's former astrologer...or what about the guy who got drunk with the second cousin of Charlie Sheen's first parole officer...

What is my claim to fame? How did I bypass the velvet rope? How did I become one of those people? Well, one of my neighbors went to high school with a friend of a THIRD cousin of Gloria Estefan's former hair dresser back when Gloria was with the Miami Sound Machine.

Wooo!

INSIDE TRACK

First of all, I need to talk to the Treasurer so he can send me some money...then we need some Hose t-shirts and bikini thongs and fast... I have recently become acquaintances with one of the girls involved in the PR marketing for the MTV Video Music Awards and for the right amount, she is willing to put Hose T-shirts and thongs in the goodie bags...

In the meantime, until the shipment of Hose T-shirts and bikini thongs comes in, I have taken one of my "wife beaters" and with a black marker, have put the Hose address front and center...I will be at the MTV VMA Block Party taking one for the team due to our limited resources (and no Evil, not that way).

A.P.R.

I think a new phrase has to be added to the lexicon.

"Let's hug it out, Bitch"

Thanks to this phrase the flawed genius of Entourage will live on indefinitely.

Ari (as played by Jeremy Piven, heretofore known primarily for playing John Cusack’s best friend in every movie ever made), the smarmy stereotype Hollywood agent, dropped this quote on E (as in Eric...) after they were fighting over something stupid. I dig Ari. I think its lazy writing that in episode 2 he is JD/MBA from Michigan and in Episode 6 he claims to have taken business ethics at Harvard (HBS?). Of course they might redeem themselves if they reveal he's a college drop out who can't keep his educational background lies straight. Ari is a great character, possibly the only great character on that show.

Still, it’s the phrase that sticks. Though dropped subtly into the dialogue, it’s a really unique phrase that merits further meditation. What exactly does he mean?

Let’s hug it out – like let’s let our peace and mutual understanding manifest itself physically with a little intimate touching. Please feel free to caress anything on my back (buttocks excluded of course).

Or maybe its more like

Let’s hug it out – Hug me under the threat of physical violence. While we’re at it (hugging that is) I will work hard to suffocate you much like a deranged woman might her child. You will accept this because I am your better and you are a masochist begging for acceptance!

Which do you think is the right answer?

[xtian]: dude
[xtian]: was on randomtica yesterday
[Sleeve]: yeah?
[Sleeve]: you were on it?
[xtian]: no i was reading it
[xtian]: up the skirt
[xtian]: that pic was hot
[xtian]: hah
[Sleeve]: i like how she wrote not to look up the skirt
[xtian]: clearly drawing eyes up her skirt
[Sleeve]: yup...even she was looking up her skirt
[Sleeve]: she needs more up the skirt shots on that site
[xtian]: you need shots of that on your site too
[Sleeve]: i have topless photos of [sleeve's ex, the one without the blog]
[Sleeve]: i can post those
[xtian]: you should
[Sleeve]: haha.. you give good advice
[xtian]: i am going to post this conversation on the hose
[Sleeve]: please don't
[Sleeve]: :-D
[xtian]: i will post a scrubbed version of it
[xtian]: and allow you to link off, topless photos of [sleeve's ex, the one without the blog]
[xtian]: who had a great rack as i recall
[xtian]: no, wait she had a great ass
[Sleeve]: it was nice rack
[Sleeve]: i saw her on saturday at a party on 168th street
[xtian]: oh
[xtian]: what did she say?
[Sleeve]: why was i on 168th street is another story
[xtian]: visiting my old hood
[Sleeve]: "we should hang out... it's really good to see you"
[xtian]: i think that means she wants to hook up
[xtian]: you know what will close the deal though right?
[xtian]: posting pics of her on the web
[xtian]: then you're in there
[Sleeve]: and sending the link to her dad, to show off his little girl's assets
[xtian]: exactly
[xtian]: at least one of us hates women

Evil

EVIL: i watched about 6 hours of VH1 yesterday
EVIL: getting myself pumped up

XTIAN: heh

EVIL: HAHA

XTIAN: who's funnier, [The Bumpasaurus] or the Jesse Klien?
XTIAN: Who funnier, you or christian finnegan

EVIL: who's jesse klien?
EVIL: yo man

XTIAN: who's funnier, me or sharrod small

EVIL: do you krump?

XTIAN: i did a little on thursday

EVIL: there's no reason why i cant be on best week ever
EVIL: you know who my character will be?

XTIAN: i was cruising in the Jetta with 19 dudes
XTIAN: that was clowny

EVIL: i will be the creepy dude who Google-stalks people and celebs

XTIAN: google stalks?

EVIL: your character will essentially be The Man

XTIAN: you know who's not funny?

EVIL: how gay is it to be in a jetta with 19 dudes?

XTIAN: the guy with the gap in his teeth
XTIAN: jim sheer?
XTIAN: not sure

EVIL: i watched the new George Michael behind the music

XTIAN: you could be on Best Week Ever over him

EVIL: i was thinking exactly the same thing
EVIL: i saw him and was like
EVIL: whoa, i am better than him
EVIL: there a chick that looks like natalie portman's sister

XTIAN: you're not better than Miss Info though
XTIAN: that's Jessie Klien
XTIAN: she's hot

EVIL: the best week ever doesnt have the techno geek representation
EVIL: there is a slot there for one or both of us
EVIL: hey, you know what

XTIAN: what about "The Modern Humorist"

EVIL: have you ever thought of yourself as a brand?

XTIAN: they are techno geeky
XTIAN: all the time

EVIL: if you're a brand, what would your tagline be?
EVIL: i thought of my tagline over the weekend?
EVIL: it's perfect
EVIL: my tagline is "creepy but loveable"
EVIL: how great is that
EVIL: that is perfect for Vh1

XTIAN: thats a good tagline
XTIAN: almost true except for the last part

EVIL: dude, the public will love me
EVIL: you're just pre-jealous

XTIAN: i am telling you
XTIAN: we could be the modern humorist

EVIL: i know

XTIAN: but with less/more homo-erotic undertones
XTIAN: depending on the day

EVIL: hey, it's 9:12am
EVIL: i have to work
EVIL: haha
EVIL: later

XTIAN: me too

Evil

EVIL: yo
EVIL: i thought of something
EVIL: send me a pic of you
EVIL: where you are in a bar
EVIL: and there are a few other people in the shot
EVIL: i have the equiv photo of myself
EVIL: i will then photoshop celeb heads
EVIL: onto the photos
EVIL: then post on ebay
EVIL: i have an account, etc
EVIL: tell me which celebs you want to be seen with
EVIL: i call dibs on gary coleman
EVIL: it will be "third tier photoshopping" meets viral marketing
EVIL: dude, you will be seen with the President of the VH1 division
EVIL: whoever that is

Evil

XTIAN: if I type "thehose" into google we are at the bottom of the search page
XTIAN: we need more inbound links

EVIL: wow
EVIL: i didnt know that
EVIL: some more links would help

XTIAN: [J.Web] can help

EVIL: i cant to be #1 for "sausage bbq"
EVIL: cool!
EVIL: you might get a lot of accidental hits
EVIL: xtina searches -> misspelled as xtian

XTIAN: i figure if we mention "VH1" and "Best Week ever" often enough
XTIAN: someone might pick up on it
XTIAN: heh

EVIL: i need to be on tv
EVIL: even vh1
EVIL: have to work
EVIL: later

Tacitly Colluding

One of the things that's been really interesting about my (triumphant) return to New York is that I have been using my old stomping grounds of Perth Amboy, NJ as a staging area. Its really quite great, except that I don't seem to know where anything is anymore and its clear that other get very frustrated with that.

"Where's Penn Street?"

"do you remember where you used to live?"

"ummm...yeah" (lacking confidence)

"well, instead of making a right on that block make a right 5 blocks before?"

and so on. I tried to get to Menlo Park Mall one day and it took me something like 11 hours to cover 3 miles by car.

So I don't know landmarks of the town I spent the first 18 years of my life in, a town that was prominently displayed as my hometown in the Berkeley MBA 2002 Face Book. Imagine now running into people that I either hung out with once, bought weed from once, or met at church once or something equally meaningless. Would some vague hint of a half memory appear or not? Or maybe it would but if it did. Would it be shouted down by whatever freaks and misfits spend their days vying for control of my body?

This happened during my morning commute. I stood there mind my own business vacillating between reading my book and checking out some girl standing on the platform.

"if its a full train, maybe I can pull an EVIL and crowd her" I say to myself...My dastardly plotting is interrupted by me noticing that SOME DUDE is starring at me.

I look back passively, not trying to make any sudden moves. Were my stares that obvious, is this guy judging me silently or preparing to agree via a nod in an act of subtle male solidarity. If I play this right, I might convince him to help me execute the crowding technique, a move Evil and I perfected in semi-rural Illinois.

While considering this, I notice I actually know the guy...From somewhere. Have no idea where...But I do...He used to be someone I knew. The first guess is high school, because that's the easiest guess. The second guess is possibly church. But really, it could be one, the other or possibly both. The options are limitless.

The world stands still for a moment as we look at each. Some might think we are sharing a moment, but really what we're doing is negotiating. Negotiating whether one of us approaching the other is worth the risk of potential embarrassment

"Do you recognize me? If I walked up to you, would you totally dis me and act like we've never met?"

"I vaguely recall you but really, its so vague that if I acknowledge the recollection and am then tested on it i.e. you drop a "remember that time..."

I'd fail. I'd not remember the time at all or the other parties involved or how we all laughed about it. Really it'd be mortifying. Rather than deal with that, I will just pretend I have never seen you before, thereby limiting my embarrassment

"right, regardless of whether we both remember each other or not, we really can't trust each to not sell the other party down the river a raving lunatic and possible stalker."

"Maybe its best if we go back to looking at our respective book and newspaper"

"agreed"

None of this is said, but it is all communicated through a series of blank stares, raised eyebrows and finally a mild shrug.

All was right with the world, till later that day.

I met a friend for lunch and as I walked back to my office I was stopped on the street by a rather poor greeting

"Gosh! You're back"

At first, I did not realize it was me she was addressing, I've been back (triumphantly) for a while now and no longer really consider it being back but just consider it being here, right here.

"I'm sorry..."

I look at her blankly, not so much trying to negotiate...the blank stare gives it away, I am going to sell this woman down the river as someone who can't tell an 6ft tall Ecuadorian from a 5ft tall Mexican or possible a 5ft 5in tall Korean.

"You have no idea who I am?"

I look towards my friend for some back. She clearly knows her but decides its best to let awkwardness reign. Not knowing what else to do, I extend my hand

"my name is [Xtian]"

"What is wrong with you? I helped you get an an apartment. We hung at [some place I don't really remember ever being at]"

This is getting bad, her indignation is severe, yes I vaguely remember who she is but I don't know her name or where I know her from...

"You're friends with [some person I don't know]!"

Now, she's hanging herself. I don't know anyone by that name and later she goes back and renames that kid with a different surname suddenly transforming him into someone I do know. Not only does she barely remember me, she barely remembers the person who introduced us. Why is she persisting?

Finally, she mentions how she hooked me up with my former landlord Danny, except I never had a landlord named Danny, if she did hook me up with my former landlord then she's talking about Steven who is my former landlord. Clearly this woman has been on a meth binge for 3 years. She must be doing this all the time, getting names wrong and making things awkward. I take this opportunity to regain the upper hand and point out that I know our mutual friend reasonably but she only seems to know his last name half the time, and I know my former landlord's name far better than she does and after these corrections she decides its best to disengage and go about her day and I am left looking for a speeding truck to rush in front of.

How much better her life would be if she just learned some tacit collusion?

Evil

Is anyone at all watching the Olympics? The Olympics are so gay, or maybe I'm just referring to these two Greeks:

I'm rich, bitch!
The VMAs are August 29th. I think we are going to do a thing where Hose contributers are going to get into a AIM chat room and just riff in real time. At each commercial break someone will scrub AIM handles and post.

AIM me the day of if you want in...

Evil

This is what makes the Olympics great:


Athens - A South Korean judo coach has been expelled from the competition venue for slapping his competitor after she lost her match, the International Judo Federation (IJF) said on Wednesday.

The coach, Suh Jung-Bok, was seen slapping Ye Gue-Rin after she lost to Germany's Julia Matijass in the Under-48kg bantamweight quarter-finals on Saturday, IJF spokesman Michel Brousee said.

"We cannot tolerate such an attitude," he said.

The IJF has instructed the Korean Judo Federation to take action against Suh, he said.


Dude, Korean men... those guys gotta relax. Abusing of women should be left to people named Wil Cordero.

It's wierd I am not getting into the Olympics at all. So instead I surfing the dial for other options. Today I managed to catch my new favorite show - the groundbreaking HBO Original series Entourage.

>
Great show, everyone should check it out. What makes it groundbreaking though is that I believe this show is the first program to ever target mysoginists only! Not only that but I am pretty sure everyone involved in the show is a mysoginist. This is the first show ever to made entirely by, about and for mysoginists. That's right Hose Readers...synergy. Someone get my agent!

Other than that I got nothing to say, however do check this out...anyone wondering what was up with the LEAN BACK remix on the radio lately, its contributed by these guys and the rapper is Tego Calderon, I caught him on MTV this morning, he is a special kind of ugly but he might also be partially responsible for Reggaeton which makes him my friend.

Evil

I gotta hand it to Jim Gray... that guy asks the best / most asinine questions ever. I'm watching Puerto Rico trounce the US in basketball. The first half just ended and PR is dominating: 49 to 22. The US is down by 27! Jim Gray is interviewing Lamar Odom...

JG: The lack of enery, the lack of aggression... is that something the team has been practicing the past few days?

LO: No. We're an energetic team, we're an aggressive team. The best team will win.

Give Lamar credit for staying cool. Me, I would have popped that smartass Jim Gray right in his teeth.

Evil

SURVIVAL FOOTBALL!

Readers of The Hose, all VH1 execs, and all MTV execs are invited to join our Survival Football league. This league is for money! $25/head, winner takes 80% and second place takes 20%.

Sign up, you hoser!

http://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/survival
League ID: 16263 (Name: Hoser)
Password: tool01

Evil

Sometimes I feel like this guy...

Evil

XTIAN FOR GOVERNOR!

American politics is as much about stories as it is about policies. Who remembers anything about George Washington's administration, except that he was the first President and oh, he also chopped down an apple tree but didn't lie about it. Abe Lincoln? Born in a log cabin and eventually became President. (There was also something about a Civil War, but accounts of that are sketchy.)

XTIAN has the kind of story that any political handler would give his left nut for: Chubby, big-headed kid grows up in the rough and tumble town of Perth Amboy. Overcomes ADHD in grade school and makes it into an Ivy League University. There, he overcomes narcalepsy and gets his degree. Some work in big time consulting, then gets a graduate degree in business on the West Coast.

And now... New Jersey's prodigal son has (triumphantly) returned!

XTIAN, your home state needs you. They are without a leader. The governor has deemed himself unfit for governing. The state is in chaos (or is it just usually like that in New Jersey?). New Jersey is calling and your grassroots followers want to know: are you going to report for duty?

Evil

Bill Gates is reportedly ready to unload an expensive hobby and sell Slate for $12 million, which is nearly twice its annual revenue. Founded in 1996 by editor Michael Kinsley, who has since moved on to the LA Times, the e-zine has always been a money-losing proposition. Despite an audience of 4.6 million readers a month, according to Nielsen//NetRatings, the site is only operating at break-even. Kinsley got out, Gates wants out. The question is: Who wants in?

INTERESTING! Slate is for sale and it only costs $12 million? Yes, you and I are thinking the same thing: that XTIAN and I should buy Slate and take our witty stylings to the big time! We can be "Co-Editors-In-Chief" and have bitch fights over the "creative direction" every single day. That would make a great reality TV show.

Hey, anyone want to lend us $12 million?

Evil

WHO KNEW?

I read this little snippet this morning:

While shopping magazines have undoubtedly been among the hottest categories of late, Conde Nast's Cargo was definitely considered experimental, given its target: Men who love to shop.

Five months into its launch, Cargo appears to be resonating, and then some. The magazine will increase its rate base to 350,000 effective with the February 2005 issue. That's a quick 17 percent jump in rate base since the March 2004 launch.

WHO KNEW? Lots of XTIAN-like dudes running around out there. What is the world coming to. What happened to the good old days when men were men?

Evil



Look at Jenny Finch's butt ugly teammates. How much do you think those girls hate her? What do you think goes on in that locker room when they're changing? Someone should put a web cam in there. (Oh, speaking of which, I just installed a wireless web cam in my bathroom. That thing rocks.)

Evil

I am obsessed about VH1 calling me... fame calling me. I just checked on how the advertising campaign is going thus far. To my surprise, there have been a fair amount of hits for MTV execs. But less so for VH1 execs. Dude, these people should be calling me right away. No one else wants them. If you're interested, here are the latest stats...

MTV execs



VH1 execs



Note: The "Impr" column means how many times the ad has shown and the "Clicks" column... well, that's self explanatory, you asshat.

Evil

If you love me, you'll buy this for me.

Evil

VH1, WHY NO LOVE?

Still no contact from anyone at VH1? Are they playing hard to get? Is my advertising campaign not working?

I'm not discouraged though. I saw this stat today:



Wow, look at all the self-absorbed people out there. Almost 4 out of every 10 people will search for themselves on a search engine. Sooner or later...