Random Thoughts on a Wednesday Evening

Evil

1. On the road again. Away from home. Sigh. Ordered room service. The guy bringing food shows up to my room. After a moment, he says, "Oh, just 1 person?" He takes the 2nd set of silverware off the tray and adds, "I didn't know whether this food was for 1 or 2." Man, am I eating too much?

2. The Latin Mass is coming back! WOOO! Thanks, Pope!

3. I'm on a longer losing streak than the New York Yankees. How do I snap out of this?

4. I just ordered an Apple TV. I don't even know why I did it. I don't know what to do with it when it arrives. I guess I just wanted to order it.

5. If I were an animal, what animal would I be?

I Never Feel Like This Guy

Evil



Why is Rudy Guiliani so happy?

Why is Rudy Guiliani so crazy?

Why is Rudy Guiliani in so much pain?

What the hell is going on in that picture? I can't believe this guy is the mayor of my city.

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil


This is a one eyed kitten. He was born with a single oversized eye, no eyelid, and no nose. Sadly, he only lived one day.

(I am sure that at some point, Manolo will author an extensive post on the reproductive cycle of one eyed cats.)

Outdated Movie Review: Pan's Labyrinth

Evil


According to Netflix, Pan's Labyrinth is a "fairy tale for adults." I was expecting something like Edward Scissorhands or even Beetle Juice. But noooo. Pan's Labrynth is a different type of movie altogether. First of all, it's not even in English. WTF? The entire movie is narrated in German. Or Mexican. Or something. Who the hell knows? Isn't English the official language of the great United States of America?

Back to the Netflix description, which adds: "10-year-old Ofelia (Ivana Baquero) stumbles on a decaying labyrinth..." Whoa! 10 years old? C'mon. This role was completely mis-casted. The girl had little boobies and child-bearing hips. It was quite uncomfortable, actually. When I watch a movie, I want no doubts as to whether I should be pants-on or pants-off. This movie was squarely in between. It sucked!

There's not much good stuff I can say about this movie. The characters are completely one dimensional, with no development that takes place over the course of the narration. The flat characters are epitomized by the Facist officer, Capeetan (Sergi Lopez). Why is that guy such a dick throughout the entire movie? I mean, cmon. Take a chill pill, dude.

Even if you're totally bored and have nothing better to do with your life and must absolutely get this movie on Netflix just to get your money's worth from your $21.95 membership (you cheap bastard), at the very least, avoid the DVD director's commentary at all cost! Holy crap! This director is the most self-absorbed douche bag this side of Dennis Miller. His commentary is unbearable. He comments on his movie as if he were the combination of George Lucas, Woody Allen, Jesus Christ, Albert Einstein, and Walt Disney. Two words aptly describe his commentary: mental masturbation. Someone hand me two Kleenex.

Overall, this movie gets 1 star (out of 5,000).

Memorial Day Plans

Evil

This is what happens when you don't have any friends. You end up with no plans for the long Memorial Day weekend. If anyone wants to reach me, you can find me in my apartment. I'll be busy moping, drinking myself into a hole, watching DVDs non-stop, surfing the internet for bomb-making tips, IMing with people I don't know that well, trying in vain (yet again) to write that most awesomest craigslist post that finally makes it onto the "best of" craigslist section, watching the Yankees lose, avoiding phone calls from my mom, contemplating why no girl wants to date me, eating pizza (large, please!), micro-managing my fantasy baseball team, going to the gym but not really working out that hard, sitting in starbucks and looking sad, trying to fix my broken vacuum cleaner, berating myself of my shortcomings ala Mr. Shoulders, failing to get out of bed before 11:30am, and generally wondering. Wondering about what? I don't really know.

Manolo Decides To Eliminate Someone?

My very dear old friend Yakov came into town this past weekend to celebrate his birthday (hopefully I will have some time to write some stories…) and to spend some quality time with dear old me. I do not mind that the least but that meant I had to put on hold my rather busy romantic life…That meant that this week was time to catch up...

Last night I invited this lady friend of mine who I had not seen like in two weeks came over for a romantic rendezvous. She is actually an older lady (in her mid 40s). I see her every now and then and it is just a pure sexual relationship. In fact, the only words spoken the whole night was through the gate intercom “I am here…can you open the door for me?”

This morning she sends me a text message which reads:

“U are amazing! I love being with u. I love u! Good thing that im very realistic about our relationship. Lovers forever. Besides, I know too much info. Kisses!”

This has me rather worried…what info is she talking about? Do you think she has a competing blog where she does a blow-by-blow (no pun intended) of the night festivities? Does that mean I can’t cut her off? What if I eventually meet someone I want to settle down with? Is she going to blackmail me? Am I still going to be forced to have sex with her on the side? Do I tell her that since she is old, our thing can only go until her fifties? What if I decide to run for President of the Parent Teacher Association or something? This is something my political operatives need to be aware of…I wonder if they have gotten their hands on any polonium 210…

American Idol Finale - RIGGED!

Evil

Holy crap. Watching the American Idol finale. They rigged this show!!! What a rip off. They totaly stacked the deck in Jordin's favor. Blake Lewis got a raw deal. They're gonna start calling him Blake "Hurricane" Lewis.

So get this, both Blake and Jordin had to sing the same song. The producers chose the song. It was the winning song in the song writing contest. That song totally played into Jordin's wheelhouse and did not work AT ALL for Blake. Why didn't they pick a song with all beat boxing and make Jordin sing it? Crap. The injustice makes me feel dirty.

Xtian's Romantic Date

evil

Check out what Xtian did this past weekend. He really hit it off with a lovely young lady. Their date was quite the rush.

Manolo Gets Shocking News

I have been trying to get into this young lady's underpants for the past few years. She is a friend of a friend and no longer lives in Miami. She would come into town every few months or so to see her old high school/college friends so I saw her sporadically and always in group settings. Every now and then, we would manage to sneak out for some mouth to mouth Mambo but never more than that…since she lived out of town and I hate the phone, our post lip wrestling relationship would quickly fizzle out.

About a month ago, she finally got instant messenger. This technology was of course quickly misused by both parties to engage in rather adult conversations…I found out why we never went past the old third base. Another thing I found out was her love of erotic material and her rather large collection. With this newly found knowledge and a new level of intimacy, she planned a trip where she got to Miami one day early to hang out with yours truly.

After picking her up at the airport and doing the whole dinner thing, we ended up at my apartment where things quickly progressed. I am not going to give you a play by play but I will tell you that everything was going rather fine and dandy. That is until she started caressing my buttocks and tried to do the male version of the shocker…I know some of you are into that (i.e. - Evil, Xtian) but that definitely killed the evening for me…

Anyway, the lesson of the day is that persistence pays off!!!

There is a bonus lesson though which is way more important...if a girl tells you she is into porn and in fact has a full fledged collection, make sure you find out what kind of porn she is into before you sign up for the voyage…

50 ways to leave your lover?

Nor'easter Update

Evil

Half of the upper west side is now washed away by the Nor'easter. The downpour is also drenching my spirits.

A Crack Pack Wedding

At a wedding this past weekend, I watched as the groom hazed in the following manner.

One of my friends yelled "Gas Pedal" at the top of his lungs.
The groom was wrestled to the ground, with his shirt lifted over his head ala a hockey fight.
he was grabbed by his ankles
the person holding his ankles mashed down on his crotch as though he were pumping a gas pedal
Someone came up immediately behind him yelling "ice crotch"
Someone else shoved a bunch of ice down his pants

Then a lively game of flip cup resumed.

Sometimes I miss college....

Am I Still Alive?

Evil

A little groggy. A little buzzed, too, since they upgraded me to first class and I had about 5 glasses of wine, but they were the little glasses they use on planes, so maybe it was only two and a half glasses in reality. Plane was delayed. First on the ground in Chicago and then in the air, circling above LaGuardia. I got off the plane finally. Tired. First stop: the men's room. Have to pee. Too much drinking? I pee. Then I try to wash my hands. I put my hands under the spout. Crap, broken. These infrared motion sensors are so flakey. I move to the next one. Fuck, broken too? I move to the next. This is pissing me off. All I want to do is wash my hands. I wave my hands in front of the sensor. I put my body in front of it, then move it away, then move back in front of it. Nothing? I move to the fourth sink, the last in this row. Nothing again. The guy next to me sees all of this. He's washing his hands. The sensor works for him. There are now other guys using the other sinks. It works for everyone but me? The guy next to me motions to me to wash my hands in his sink. I do. Then I leave, but not before questioning whether or not I'm still alive.

Afternoon of Gayness and Federal Offenses

The picture below was not taken at the 2007 Gay Pride Parade but at the start of something that ended up being far less pleasant. Recently Evil and I met up with a mutual friend SWCnBTA (someone who cannot be taken anywhere) for an action packed afternoon of theater, talking to strangers and committing federal offenses.

When I got to the theater, I spied SWCnBTA with a huge bouquet of flowers. Total sidebar but i find women holding flowers really attractive. Is that wierd? She was also talking to a very strange man with a name tag. Knowing SWCnBTA as someone who often carries around an entourage of randoms (witness EVIL) I let it go. I read the name tag and started talking to the fellow like he mattered. He soon drifted off and she admitted that she had no idea who she was. I stepped away to get a coffee and when I returned she was doing more of the same...with someone equally random. This time I did not take the bait.

By the time Evil showed up, I was already looking for a quick get away. Evil does not want to be here. He told me so. In fact, he's pretty passive aggressive about being here at all and holds me personally responsble. SWCnBTA is entirely apologetic. I'm confused. If he did not want to come and she knew, what is he doing here? Who am I to judge, I'm gay for musicals so I'm totally pumped.

We sit in our seats which are terrible. SWCnBTA decides she's had enough of that and with a total disregard for the rules claims much better seats. She then argues with the usher right up until curtain rise. Evil can't decide if he's horrified or bored. I am humming along to the music.

SWCnBTA does not know you cannot take pictures and is going nuts. It's borderline disrespectful but she is not the only one so I do not care outside of the fact that it might be disruptive to the show and her figiting is irksome. I'm still humming. I'm also suffering from censory overload as the director decided against having an orchestra and has the 10 odd cast members banging on instruments right on stage. The net effect being similar to someone trying to act out a scene in the middle of a marching band...a very good marching band, it was just a bit much for me.

As luck would have it. My friend was caught and had to delete all her digital photos but not without a huge fight. Evil is completely unplugged from this whole event. I'm trying to fit my 6ft 2in frame under my seat in shame.

Backstage, we try to get to SWCnBTA's friend to congratulate her. We are standing next to a young woman who "does not know" the lead but has seen "several of his tapes" and would like to chat with him. My mind wonders if he does some sort of porn or something. SWCnBTA yelps out something about how she could sneak around back and shift thru his trash. I wonder aloud if SWCnBTA should really be allowed to go anywhere. When we do get backstage, SWCnBTA's friend makes a comment about how horrific it is when people start taking pictures. I suddenly wish I could look away and whistle. Except my whistling is terrible and full of spittle.

The evening ended with Evil and I overcompensating for our masculinity by ordering more BBQ than we could possibly eat and watching college basketball till we could not move. SWCnBTA was so bored by this that she went to watch a dvr of an old "Boy meets Grill" in the bed room.

Write your Own Caption!

My Empire of Dirt

I don't know of you will laugh or cry or cringe...all reactions are appropriate.

I'm Home

Evil

I'm back now! Thanks to everyone who sent flowers and other gifts and various "I Miss You, Eviltom!" cards to my apartment. My doorman said he could barely keep up with all the deliveries coming in. You are all too much!

I just realized that I have 3 full weeks worth of DVR'd shows to catch up on. Better get hoppin'! If you don't hear from me for about 3 weeks, you know why.

Manolo Goes On Vacation Too

I just wanted to make everyone jealous and let you know that I am going on vacation to the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico for the next 10 days. I will be returning to Miami on April 2...

If anything interesting happens, I find it highly doubtful that I will post about it. I am not one of those losers that are on a trip to Southeast Asia and spend half the day trying to find some sort of Internet cafe so they can post about running to an old friend in some "nice little town with a lot of charm and [Spanish] colonial architecture still largely intact."

Anyway, I do need a volunteer to attend the baseball draft in my place and pick some good players for the Fantasy Baseball league...

I will miss you all...not really!

Manolo And The End Of Female Landscaping

I hope this will serve as some sort of informal poll and does not offend anyone...

I have always just assumed that after Sex and the City and as Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears have led me to believe, every woman out there has been maintaining their private parts free and clear. If there is anything left, it is something small like a lighting bolt or an arrow or a runway…

Anyway, when did women stop following the aforementioned ritual? It seems that anyone in the past weeks that has been letting me get close enough to inspect has let that general area run wild…

Am I wrong? Has it always run amok? Was it the company I was keeping and their hidden addiction to Brazilian waxes?

I don’t know…it just seems to add another layer to the proceedings...

MORE GUS JOHNSON!

COLLEGE BASKETBALL!!! CBS Sports!!! THIS...is March MADNESS!!!

This guy could make the hot dog eating contest engrossing!