It's Bad To Be Me

Evil

I think I'm coming down with an ulcer.

The x(Tian) Clan: The Return Part 4: The Jersey Shore invades NYC

My parents stayed for a few more days and undermined my confidence as much as time would allow. I try not to cry as best I could. Things are miserable


Thursday comes along and my parents are long gone. But its my brother's birthday and he decides to resurface from where ever he was hiding. I ask him where he would like to eat to celebrate his birthday. He answers that we have to go to Sciortino's a legacy from his whimsical youth.

So I treck down to Perth Amboy and then head over to my cousin Maria and then we're all just kicking it and its a grand old time. And we're eating Pizza and we're watching Entourage and gosh this is old school!

Around 11, I remember I'm so exhausted I want to cry and I go to the train station

The ride back to the city is interesting. The pungent smell of heineken mixed with camel cigarrettes permeates the train car.

I am soon surrounded by more tanorexic white chicks from the jersey shore than I can shake a stick at and they're out of control. Dancing and singing and WOOOing like its an episode of Girls Gone Wild!.

One of them asks me to take photographs of them in broken spanish. I comply and pretend I don't speak english. I wonder who they think the mexican in the tailored shirts is exactly?

I get a nip slip in one of the shots.

They are all going to Webster Hall...exactly...

My friend Christian calls me and asks if i'm in a dance club. I say:

"No, NJ Transit train heading to NYC"

The girl who tried to communicate with me in spanish gives me half a look, wondering why I did not respond to her in english when she spoke to me. I stare at her blankly.

My eyes start tearing from exhaustion

The x(Tian) Clan: The Return Part 3: Wedding Day nausea

Its ten am when we wake up to the friendly greetings a household full of people my brother and I managed to traumatize at 5am.

We don't know what to do other than eat again and book it back to the City.

Later, we hook up with my cousin, Dr Jay and try to work on my speech. As a best man, i am failing on all dimensions.

We come up with tons of offensive stories about boobie and his future wife, we end up with nothing usuable.

We all want to cry. or laugh

I mostly just want to throw up from the hangover. Something my uncles are all already doing...

The wedding goes off without a hitch. People laugh.

My speech was sweet and appreciated by all uncles and aunts

My mother pointed out that one could compute the bride's age based on the information I provided in my speech. My dad was disappointed because its him and its me. So that's just how it goes.

I go upstairs and throw up over the side of the boat hoping the hang over will subside.

The x(Tian) Clan: The Return Part 2 : Hot Wet Bitches

The day my brother arrives, I am working from home with someone I spend far too much time with.

My brother walks in declaring Fantastic Four on the top of the agneda. Never mind that there is a rehearsel dinner that night. Never mind that we are hitting a strip club, never mind there is a wedding tomorrow. We gotta watch fantastic four.

The three of us nearly cry its so terrible.

Later, me and Baby bump stop at a hot dog stand in tribeca and wait for Uncle Boobie. Who is picking out flowers with his soon to be wife. We show up several hours late to the actual church rehearsal.

My brother nearly fights with the priest> I'm not sure if its because he can't tell him how to find the bathroom or because he tells the lil big head to stop complaining.

The more things change...

At the rehearsal dinner (which is outdoors) we eat more grilled meat than we know what to do with. The in-laws judge us for our eating habits. The Bumpasaurus makes it a point to suck the marrows out of every bone on his plate.

Domingo steps up, after downing half a bottle of rum, and calls me a punk. Domingo and I have had a special bond ever since he beat the shit of me with a bucket of baseballs in 1987. He is the arbitrar of tough love. He's tough on me and I love him for it. His logic was once again sound

"xTian, How can you as the best man be asleep at the wheel. Where are the strippers?"

Uncle Boobie's future father in law looks up from his steak with an arched eye brow. We pointedly act like he's not there, because his punk ass is irrelevant to this conversation.

"Fine lets go"

"Yes, we're all too drunk to drive. The bumpasaurus should drive"

"Agreed. he's drunk but young"

me, the bumpasaurus, domingo and frank the tank (boobie's brother) grab boobie and drag towards an unsuspecting SUV.

We spend the next several hours in a strip club. No one can find Boobie anywehre but someone hands domingo an out of control bill. Lord knows what he was up to. Domingo can barely stand and Frank (the Tank) can't stop laughing.

The Bumpasaurus can't stop laughing either. Only it's because I managed to spill a red bull all over myself and I am shining green.

As we wlak out of the strip club. A russian fellow pulls up to the club and loads all his russian white slaves (sorry I mean strippers) into his beat up Winebego. My uncles have a good laugh at how these woman are paying off their illegal immigrant status in NJ.

We deposit my uncles (boobie and Frank the Tank at Boobie's house) and depart with the cooler of beer and all the meat we could find.

We head over to Domingo's house. We got beer. We got meat we get down to it. At four am we're making Quesedillas, eating burgers, getting the drink on. Domingo is like "[Bump] this is the first time you're in my house. Let me show you around"

Bang, walk into the room my grandparents are in. Turn on the lights

Grandparents:"the hell?"

Domingo:"here are your grandparents!"

Bump:"right"

We go upstairs

Domingo:"this is my daughter's room" (flick the lights on)

Domingo's daughter: "are you guys a$$holes"

Me and Bumpasaurus: "HAHAHAHAHAHA" (in unison)

Bump: "where are my parents?"

Domingo (leading us into another room): "here" (Flick on the lights)

Domingo: "I need to find you guys the air mattress and you fuckers are going to sleep o nthem too. I spent all day in Wal Mart getting you air mattresses"


We walk into his bedroom. The lights come on

My Aunt: Godddamn you domingo what are you doing?

Domingo: Shhh...people are sleeping...

My mother walks in form some other room half groggy.

Mommy: "what are you idiots doing, laughing and following him around"

There is no good answer.

Domingo decides that his son is on the air mattress reserved for the Bump, and starts dragging him off by the leg. Monkey Boy Three is shrieking. Me and Bump continue to laugh like the monkey boys we are.

Later as we're filling up the air mattresses we have to endure Domingo diving head first into the mattresses and making the air pump fly across the room and onto an unsuspecting wall (several times) It's 530 by the time we're done.

...How are we going to get to this wedding at all?

The x(tian) Clan: The Return Part 1: Don't Rock the Boat!

Vanglorious!

It's been a big month for the blood of xTian. My dad's niece (yes, my cousin) had a daughter! My Mom's two baby brothers (my uncles) got married. Good Job and many more to all of them I say!

Of course all this hoopla needed to be frist hand by the 'rents and after much plodding and a ton frustrating disorganized logistical planning I was driving my cousin Paco's van to pick them up.

En route I thought it wise to ring my mom on the mobile and leave her a message letting her know to call me when she got off the plane...of course she picks up

mami, you cant pick up the phone while the plane is flying
mami: we're not flying
me: why not?
mami: I forgot your grandmother's ID and I dont want to talk about it (click)

the woman hung up on me! the hell!
I called my aunt, who was like "I know, she threw your father and [grandfather] on the plane by themselves and now she is waiting in Orlando with [your grandmother].

I sit in the airport with my grandfather and father and wonder what to do with them. We go on a death march and find some chinese food. It looks like my grandfather is bored. I have no idea what to do.

My little cousin calls me to inform me that the plane is on time
My brother calls me and informs me that the plane is delayed.

I can't trust either of these boobs to be right, so I call my aunt and ask her to check.

The outcome is even more disturbing. There are several possible flights they could have gotten on none have left the ground but all have pulled away from the gate. I am standing at Laguardia but its possible that my mother and grandmother could either be going to JFK or Newark.

Crying is something I consider doing. However, my grandfather don't need me crying. Should I cry he might have to beat me to a pulp. Getting the sh*t kicked out of me by a 95 year old man would be too much to bear.

Several hours later I track down my mother and grandmother who pleasantly get off the plane as if nothing is wrong.

I suggest my mother is a clown and she does not speak to me the whole ride to NJ.

It's going to be an interesting visit.

Jazzy jaff invades NYC

"Where did all these brown guys from?"

My roommate was looking down on me and I was wondering what he was doing in my room. Then I realized I was in the living room on the couch. I sat up and asked:

"Can you check if the guy sleeping in my bed is still alive?"

My roommate knew better than to acknowledge this request but pressed on, in the hopes of clarifying his own confusion...

"It looked for a second there like you weren't wearing any clothes" he said. He looked relieved that I was only wearing boxer shorts. I was just hoping my ying yang was not exposed.

The brown guys in reference were not me, I mean I do count as one brown guy, but my roommate should, by now, be used to my brown ass stumbling into the apartment, wasted, and making pillows out of my suit jacket on the floor.
The brown guys in reference were in fact Jazzy Jaff who was sleeping on the adjoining futon and Dr. Orgy (the doctor of love?) who was passed out in my bed.

How did we get to this point? Well Jazzy Jaff is one of my closer friends from Business School and Dr. Orgy is one of my closer friends from undergrad and we were all kicking it last night. Dr. Orgy celebrating finishing his residency and Jazzy Jaff was in NYC celebrating a recent BJ from a white chick (where da white women at? Holla!)

After dinner at my favorite gay cuban restaurant I took Jazzy Jaff over to Sin Sin to hang out and meet up with a crew. As Jazzy is Eritrian that means that all manner of cousins and people are going to come bounding in and lord knows where things will end up. One fellow showed up and managed to hit on 4 women en route to greeting his cousin. DA appeared and I was glad for it. Not knowing what D is up to has been a point of concern for me ever since he arrived in NY. I have on occasion stepped up and invited my nigerian brother out. But often an 11pm call will find him still working so I leave him be.

After bopping around Sin Sin for several hours and a surprise cameo appearance by Speed Racer aka The Marlboro Man appeared. During the 5 minute Marlboro Man interlude I proclaimed to him that I would be hooking up with the bartender. Marlboro Man who has been a convert to the xTian Church of Lunacy actually believes something will come of this and to that end leaves before the something that comes of it is me getting out on his ass on Avenue B.

There is a lot of discussion among the group of going to Babble or Bubble or Bobble in a few minutes. Neither I nor a recently arriving Dr. Orgy has any idea what Jazzy's cousin was going on about. The heat was unbearable, and I mean it was literally hot, i was sweating thru my shirt. As we left the bar I wrote my phone number on a the check i paid with my credit card and slimily winked at my potentially underage bartender. Surprisingly she didn't vomit...though it was touch and go for a while...

Later when we finally got to Babel (AH!) we realized we were in a Hooka bar full of hot middle eastern chicks. I went to work trolling the place and failing to make anything happen. La Tortura came on and actually fit the proceedings quite well.

Dr. Orgy came up with the right plan and suggested we get some weed. I had some, squirrelled away in the back of my freezer and we were off. we hit a cab and then walked some because like the over educated incredibly uppwardly mobile goofs that we were we had 4 dollars between us. In my apt we sparked doob in the heat and pontificated on when hip hop achieved perfection. After 5 minutes of debate we agreed right then and there that the releases of The Low End Theory and Midnight Marauders bookend the greatest era in hip hop. Happiness pervaded the room...

Dr. Orgy made an interesting point during this conversation

"xTian, you know what's wierd, your bullshit makes all sorts of sense when one is high"

I nearly kissed him, on the mouth! HARD!

(ok, no not really, but learning a universal truth that I make more sense when someone is under the influence of the green might be the key to me advancing with one of these trippy broads currently bisecting random parts of my life. So the kiss is hyperbole for a deep sense of gratitude not any actual gayness)

We then had a magically thought! We could recreate Harold and Kumar go to White Castle with me playing the part of straight laced Harold and he playing Kumar. We agreed right then and there to go to the White Castle on on 38th St. As we started walking it was suggested that we hit the Chelsea Papaya first and get some Chili Cheese Dogs. The idea of walking all the way up to 38th was not at all appealing but press on we did, past all the disturbing stuff, the trannies, the homeless the nasty New York Smelly Garbage.

At White Castles we rocked out to a 10 pack, the good dr's stomach turned as a mid-op tranny walked in, drunk with an exposed breast, i helped myself to his burgers. On the walk back to my apt he pointed out to me that his belly was expanding and it was, and I was disturbed that he felt the need to lift his shirt and expose his rapidly expanding belly.

Somewhere north of Penn Station he sat down on a booth normally reserved for flowers in front of a bodega. Not knowing what to do I ran inside to get him a ginger ale.

Later Orgy said that were he able to he would have shouted "Don't leave me again"

An allusion to an episode at Sharmin's (bar is SoHo from the late 90s) where I once left him puking at a table, as I went across the street and bought a pack of cloves, which I proceeeded to smoke while he sat inside vomiting. I was smoking at the time, mostly for effect...and mostly to avoid situations like that.

I did not abandom him tihs time, and i don't smoke. so I went and got him Ginger Ale, because the last time I went to the doctor (being sick) he gave me ginger ale, this was 1987 I believe...

I walked him back to my apt and let him sleep in my bed while I sprawled out on an incredible uncomfortable futon in my incredibly hot living room. Jazzy Jaff (walked in) and asked what was up, I said something about somthing being gay, and having lived with me for a year somewhat recently, took the comment at face value, shRugged and jumped on the adjoining futon...

My closing comment to him was that if Orgy died, Jazzy would have to help me dispose of body, and potentially kill his soon-to-be fiancee. Jaff, with his usual indifference, concurred and offered himself up, once more, to the righteous task of saving me from my own failings...

And that's how two brown guys ended up passed out in my apartment on one random friday night/saturday morning...

The Summer of (not) XTian

My summer has been decidedly not xtian centric. I honestly can't recall anything I have done for myself in the last six months. I am not sure what's up with that but it needs to change. Yes, totally.

Still that's not to say that my summer has not had its moments and I feel the need to recap some of them. So every other day this week I'll be dropping knowledge on my summer. Highlights will include:

- xTian and Orgy go to White Castle
- "xTian why are there two brown men passed out in our living room?"
- A series of unfortunate events (at a strip club) aka mama and papa Xtian visit xTian
-"Fuck xTian and his white linen pants"
- The Jersey Shore Invades Manhattan
- xTian meets up with 300 Indians in Salt Lake City
- xTian goes on an anti-Mormon Mission

RIP, Big Head

Evil

:(

Be Honest

Evil



I need to know something. I need to know! Am I like the Miles character from Sideways? Am I him? AM I HIM?!

Self-Destruction Hall Of Fame

Self-Destruction Hall Of Fame 

Manolo Gives You A Tip

If you are eating Tostitos and the Salsa falls on your shirt, tuck it in before you go out or you will look like an idiot.

Self-destructive things said over dinner

Evil

I had dinner with XTIAN, KenTak3, Gail, and Mr. Shoulders last night. One of us was saying self-destructive things all night long. It was very sad actually. So as to not hurt any feeling publicly, I won't say who it was... but I will share with you some things that were said:

• "Are you going to make me a rhinestone collar?"
  
• "I was sitting on the couch with my mentor (who doesn't like herself very much) and then her shirt buttons started to fly off."
  
• "I want to move to central Jersey."


• "Can I just impregnate a girl and start a normal life already??

Manolo Hates Something Too

You know what I hate...

I hate when I take off my pants and my penis all of a sudden sticks out the little hole in my boxers...I understand my penis might feel like it has just been released from prison and wants to say "Hey People, I am free!!." I don't know if its the lack of a full erection or the fabric of the boxers itself but you are only able to see the tip, you know, the top 2-3 inches.

I guess I would feel better if my whole penis came out, if it showed itself in all its glory, but alas, it doesn't work that way...I guess prison does break the spirit...

Anyways, that's what I hate...

David Cross, Genius, second only to Dave Chappelle!

Proof Point 1

Explained!

this explains it...

I was an Enabler!

When I invited her to the game it was mostly out of desperation. Not that she's not cute, far from it, She's really cute. Vexingly cute really. But none of that matters, I just need to leave people at work alone on the dating front. Its a new rule. I don't need any confusion and if things do work somewhat positively (and that doesn't happen all that often) at best I've ended up with a reasonably cool friend...

Due to some complications associated with IM communications my original plan to go with a buddy from work, VB, was blown up. He thought I was talking about a client event I was talking about two tickets I had secured from a fellow co-worker...things went south from there. Not knowing what to do, I circled thru a number of friends and could not find anyone available the next evening. A business related conversation with my sales specialist openned the option of redemption. It was set, we were going to the game together, me with my perky sales specialist with a great body and amazing hair...my subconscious, or the master chef had set out the ingredients for his recipe of disaster...

When I saw her, I knew I was in trouble, B-Shah called her sloppy cute one day and the description was apt. Mostly i ignore what B-Shah says on most subjects about other women, because she's a total hater, but in this case she's right. She is sloppy cute. Unlike another girl in my office, a string of pearls would look disingenuine on her, almost like part of a costume. Anyway, her top was quite revealing and exposed quite a bit, enough that i spent most of the evening with my eyes pointing towards the ground, trying to revisit the nip slips of a few days prior...

The game itself was great, Yankee Stadium can't be beat. VB even stepped up and got us closer to the action, about 5 rows from the third baseman. My friend was overwhelmed and a little too impressed. That last part disappointed me a bit...

Yes I was here with a pretty girl and yes we sort of work together, but no this was not a date. I was clear on that and everyone accpeted this except VB who, you gotta love him, is a big kid sometimes. Of course, during a break he came back to where we were sitting and said something like "i'm going to mess up his game" to the people he was sitting with. I was slightly mortified and watched my game drift off its course. She (acted like she) had no idea what was going on..

I had just spent the last 30 minutes explaining to her that he was just looking back at us probably to goof on me about something that happened earlier in the day rather than amusing himself by checking where my hands, her hands, our faces were at any given moment.

On the subway platform at Yankee Stadium I noticed she was cold and fought off the urge to keep her warm with a hug for a few minutes before finally relenting just as the downtown train approached...

I dropped her off at her door, the pretense of getting a pizza slice providing the excuse. she kissed me on the cheek and bolted for the door, I turned and walked away briskly as it was starting to rain. However, in the reflection of a glass i saw her sprint back out for a second, think better of it and turn back towards her door.

The next day, I IMed iwth my buddy and aggressively called him a cockblocker...
His sole defense...
"I was an enabler!"

yeah right dude!

I let things be...

I thought nothing of it, till she started drunk texting me several days later at around 1am while at her friends party, basically telling me to come out...Given my track record it will still all translate into something pretty meaningless

One thing I hate about NY in the Summer

There are somethings I love about NY in the summer. I like the heat. Actually, I hate hte heat, but I always nod at the heat because I get it and it was captured in a song perfectly. New York by U2.


In New York summers get hot well into the hundreds
You can walk around the block without a change of clothing
Hot as a hair dryer in your face
Hot as handbag and a can of mace
New York, I just got a place in New York
New York, New York


I really like that song, and the heat makes me think of it, so at the end of the day I don't hate the heat. But its a passing moment, the I sweat thru my shirt and then I hate the heat...

I really love that the city empties out, that I can walk into any bar or restaurant, that it's basically my city. I wake up, put on some shorts, throw on a top hat and fetch my cane and walk around like a pimp profiting well from his hoes...

What I hate though, what i absolutely hate:
Are these random street fairs that spontaneously happen everywhere and they are always generating noise and its always like "what the hell?" sor ot of thing and they are completely useless, i mean what the hell are they selling exactly? Nothing useful thats for sure



and another thing, how do they always manage to make a crappy falafel?

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

DAVES BACK!

WHEW

The Return of the Kicked Puppy

One of my great friends in life made this great observation about me:

We were drunk (of course)

"[My last name, she always called me by my last name, her smokey voice, pronouncing it properly, with the accents in the right place], you know what your problem is?"

"which problem exactly, i have a few?"

"you're like a dog thats been kicked too much. It seems to me that you just love people for not kicking you."

I think, finally, on the cusp of my 29th year, I am getting past this...

The boyfriend is out (she's a girl but she's emotionally closed off and a poor communicator, so a co-worker and I have taken to calling her the boyfriend).
There's only enough room for one emotional waste land around here and thats me sister. You're out. I don't care what Ivy League University almost awarded you a PhD, you're young minded and wack.

Of course the day I took this massive step forward, a total "I choose me" moment if you will, I managed to find a way to take several steps back. Unfortunately the victim of my pathology is unsuspecting and undeserving. she's been a subject here before. She was also what this was all about.

We were getting coffee and i said something, who knows what. She gave me half a look. It's what she does. She doesn't always challenge, but when she does its sort of fun, in a sick way. I pounced on that look and probed...under her breathe she relented that she did not always know what I was talking about or if sometimes, I didn't have some sort of agenda. I hated myself a little, more than a little for once again confusing this girl.

All she needs is a friend., apparently no more than one at work, because she puts zero effort into trying to make any others there. For self defeating reasons of her own, she chose me and she pays for her folly every so often, mostly when i'm drunk or just in need of being a dick.

Before 10am, before she jumps on a conference call, i remind her of my limitations. She puts the reciever down and looks at me saying something like

"I can't believe you just said that to me just as I'm about to do this conference call"

some other words are exchanged. she picks up the reciever again and says something like

"Sometimes, i feel like I'm part of some psychology experiment you're running"

My heart breaks. I can't even do intense right anymore. Now its like I just want to apologize and crawl into a ball under the table.

I committed myself righ then and there to do better and get over myself, I'm her overprotective brother and it blows her mind everytime I give into my baser instincts and come on to her. It's completely unacceptable, even I feel like a dick afterwards...

I'll betray her trust again. That's just me. Its what I do. Poor girl...