Evil And Xtian Go To A Wedding

Evil


Xtian and I have innovated a great new wedding strategy: the half-date. The basis of the strategy is this: instead of bringing a full “+1” as a date, two guys share a date. This way, at any point in the evening a guy can look like he’s there with a woman (because it’s always easier to get a woman when you already have a woman – the jealously ploy works great because women tend to be shallow and jealous beings by nature), but since the woman is not a real date, she can be ditched at any time if a realistic hook-up potential arises. In the full +1 date scenario, even if you bring a friend, it would be rude to ditch that person entirely in favor of some random play, but in the half-date scenario, you still have another guy to keep the half-date company. Brilliant!

This weekend, we went to the wedding of KenTak3 and the Mamacita, with the AY as our half-date. The AY makes a great half-date because she fulfils the pre-requisite of being attractive and also, she doesn’t mind sitting with Xtian and me while we make random comments about “Drapering” so-and-so. (“Drapering” = F1ngerb*ng1ing for those of you scoring at home.)

The wedding itself was beautiful, classy, and a lot of great fun. I’ll leave it to Mamacita (or Bruno) to recap the wedding if they wish. I could never do it justice.

Many Hosers at the wedding, which added to the fun. The Killer B’s sat at our table. I (unintentionally) broke the news to Killer B #2 that Killer B #1 had invited me along on their trip to Ecuador in the spring of 2009. I saw a flash of rage in Killer B #2’s eyes as she heard this. I thought she was going to kill either me or her fiancé and then go back to being the lovable, sweet person that she is.

The Evil Twins were out in full force.

Evil Twin #1 arrived in a long dress and heels. I’ve never seen Evil Twin #1 dressed like a girl before and I must say, she looked very good. At one point, I sniffed Evil Twin #1 and she even smelled like she had showered within the past 24 hours. Amazing!

Evil Twin #2 arrived with her date, BF of Evil Twin #2. While BFofET#2 was off being distracted by the AY, I took the opportunity to put my arm around ET#2 and comment on how smooth her skin was. I remarked, “Your skin is so soft, just like STG's.” ET#2 smiled and graciously accepted the compliment. “Thanks! I moisturize!” she said. However, ET#1 for some reason reacted angrily, snarling at me as she said, “I hope you die. I hope die sad and lonely. Masturbating.”

ET#2 asked how her skin compares to R’s and I said that R’s skin is a little rough and she could use some electrolysis. ET#1 jumped in at this point, with nostrils flared and she yelled in my direction, “I hope you die! Lonely and masturbating!” What is ET#1’s fascination with death and masturbation? I didn’t realize she was so kinky.

R is great though. She was texting me little messages all weekend. I have SuperPoke on mobile, so I got her SuperPokes as well. During the wedding dinner, R SuperPoked me with the “flaming bag of poop.” But she followed it up with the “blown a kiss at you!” SuperPoke. (More on R in a future post.)

Even Mr. Shoulders was at the wedding! I was sad that Mr. Shoulders’ woman couldn’t make it to the wedding because I was really looking forward to meeting her. I mean, an actual female (who is human) who doesn’t mind being around Mr. Shoulders? This is a person I need to meet!

And who can forget Le Trois? Le Trois was being Le Trois at this wedding. Nevermind that his company was in the midst of a financial meltdown… that didn’t prevent Le Trois from double fisting and pounding down drinks til his obligatory grey-out.

Since I must respect the venerable old rule that “Whatever Happens in Newport, Stays in Newport,” I should be careful not to reveal too much. But I think it’s within bounds to leave you with one final photo… of Xtian humping a dead bear. For the sake of privacy and to spare the bear from unnecessary embarrassment, I’ve obscured his identity.