D-Bag of the Month

Bleeding all over the place

Seaver pitches to Piazza during the closing ceremony for Shea Staduim

I have this ongoing conversation with a coworker, a Phillies fan, about baseball. It's an infinite number of paper cuts.

We never got into each other's face about one team's success or the other's failure over a weekend or on a night. A three game sweep is relatively meaningless at any point in time in a baseball season. Any given loss feels horrible. However, the next day, you realize the impact was minor. There is always that night, where you have the chance to win and it will feel great. Of course, the next morning even that exuberance won't matter.

There are so many games, the notion of momentum or whatever gets washed out with a regression to the mean. Baseball ends up exactly where it is meant. The best teams rise to the top, bad teams on the bottom and a team's critical flaw will always be exposed. You get lucky...once...twice...ten times even...but never 162 times.

Anyway, the Mets had a great offense, solid defense, strong starting pitching and in the end, a good manager. They had a crappy bullpen...a theory that was tested night after night and verified several times a week.

That's that I guess...

See ya in Hell, Shea!

I'll be there bright eyed and bushy tailed for Citi Field in the Spring

Greetings from Portugal!

Thank you so much to everyone who has posted pictures of KenTak3 and Bruno Bear's recent nuptuals. Good job on capturing those touching moments! Luckily, I am getting the benefit of the vacation since the little guy doesn't travel so well.

KenTak3 and I are tearing up Portugal. So far, we have been traveling back and forth from the bar to the pool.

Yesterday, we thought we would take a little break and play some golf, only to find that you need a handicap of less than 28. If you can't prove this, you have to take a lesson and be evaluated on whether you are worthy to play on the course.

Booooo! Back to the bar, it is.

There are things here that remind us of the Hose constantly. We are trying to interact with the locals as much as possible to absorb some culture. Today, while sighseeing we came across some little boys. They seem pretty happy even though they were wearing plastic.

Stay tuned for more adventures.

What Do I Do?

Evil

XTIAN is in San Francisco this week... I have good reason to believe that XTIAN is Drapering the Snaggletooth Girl while he is out there. What do I do? What DO I DO???

Snubbed Again!

Evil

How did I NOT make this list of 20 People You Should Follow On FriendFeed? Alright people, if you are on FriendFeed, don't be shy. Feel free to follow me.

Wordle of the Week - Paulson's Proposal to Congress

Evil And Xtian Go To A Wedding

Evil


Xtian and I have innovated a great new wedding strategy: the half-date. The basis of the strategy is this: instead of bringing a full “+1” as a date, two guys share a date. This way, at any point in the evening a guy can look like he’s there with a woman (because it’s always easier to get a woman when you already have a woman – the jealously ploy works great because women tend to be shallow and jealous beings by nature), but since the woman is not a real date, she can be ditched at any time if a realistic hook-up potential arises. In the full +1 date scenario, even if you bring a friend, it would be rude to ditch that person entirely in favor of some random play, but in the half-date scenario, you still have another guy to keep the half-date company. Brilliant!

This weekend, we went to the wedding of KenTak3 and the Mamacita, with the AY as our half-date. The AY makes a great half-date because she fulfils the pre-requisite of being attractive and also, she doesn’t mind sitting with Xtian and me while we make random comments about “Drapering” so-and-so. (“Drapering” = F1ngerb*ng1ing for those of you scoring at home.)

The wedding itself was beautiful, classy, and a lot of great fun. I’ll leave it to Mamacita (or Bruno) to recap the wedding if they wish. I could never do it justice.

Many Hosers at the wedding, which added to the fun. The Killer B’s sat at our table. I (unintentionally) broke the news to Killer B #2 that Killer B #1 had invited me along on their trip to Ecuador in the spring of 2009. I saw a flash of rage in Killer B #2’s eyes as she heard this. I thought she was going to kill either me or her fiancé and then go back to being the lovable, sweet person that she is.

The Evil Twins were out in full force.

Evil Twin #1 arrived in a long dress and heels. I’ve never seen Evil Twin #1 dressed like a girl before and I must say, she looked very good. At one point, I sniffed Evil Twin #1 and she even smelled like she had showered within the past 24 hours. Amazing!

Evil Twin #2 arrived with her date, BF of Evil Twin #2. While BFofET#2 was off being distracted by the AY, I took the opportunity to put my arm around ET#2 and comment on how smooth her skin was. I remarked, “Your skin is so soft, just like STG's.” ET#2 smiled and graciously accepted the compliment. “Thanks! I moisturize!” she said. However, ET#1 for some reason reacted angrily, snarling at me as she said, “I hope you die. I hope die sad and lonely. Masturbating.”

ET#2 asked how her skin compares to R’s and I said that R’s skin is a little rough and she could use some electrolysis. ET#1 jumped in at this point, with nostrils flared and she yelled in my direction, “I hope you die! Lonely and masturbating!” What is ET#1’s fascination with death and masturbation? I didn’t realize she was so kinky.

R is great though. She was texting me little messages all weekend. I have SuperPoke on mobile, so I got her SuperPokes as well. During the wedding dinner, R SuperPoked me with the “flaming bag of poop.” But she followed it up with the “blown a kiss at you!” SuperPoke. (More on R in a future post.)

Even Mr. Shoulders was at the wedding! I was sad that Mr. Shoulders’ woman couldn’t make it to the wedding because I was really looking forward to meeting her. I mean, an actual female (who is human) who doesn’t mind being around Mr. Shoulders? This is a person I need to meet!

And who can forget Le Trois? Le Trois was being Le Trois at this wedding. Nevermind that his company was in the midst of a financial meltdown… that didn’t prevent Le Trois from double fisting and pounding down drinks til his obligatory grey-out.

Since I must respect the venerable old rule that “Whatever Happens in Newport, Stays in Newport,” I should be careful not to reveal too much. But I think it’s within bounds to leave you with one final photo… of Xtian humping a dead bear. For the sake of privacy and to spare the bear from unnecessary embarrassment, I’ve obscured his identity.

Blogging by proxy

Bruno just called me and he is NOT happy. He was too much in a rage to type with his clumsy little paws so instead he barked some instructions to me and asked me to post for all of you hosers to read.

Poor little guy is in newport but NOT at the wedding. So close! Yet so far away! Bruno is staying with kentak's family. All holed up! Bruno demands at least a web cam so he can follow along. Do we have an IT guy in the house?!

Anyone with real time blogging capabilities please blog for brunos sake. The little guy is bouncing off the walls with excitement. As we all are!

Big wedding weekend!

This is a big weekend and I'm pumped. We're here in newport for the wedding of kentak3 and the mamacita, with bruno as the best man. Or should I say best dog?

I drove up from new york with xtian and the AY. xtian is a terrible driver, so public service announcement: don't get in a car with him if you can help it. I might give him some driving lessons personally.

I'm chillin' at the hampton inn right now. Can't wait for ET #2 and the killer b's to show up. This hotel is gonna rock.

Xtian and le trois are staying at another hotel. They're away from people just in case they find a hookup at this wedding. Talk about wishful thinking! Come on!

A Study in Contrasts

Snoop's 1993 "DoggyStyle" Album complete lyrics - which is a form of "Date or Die" storytelling. As you see, Snoop and Xtian have very different approaches to dating, and how they share those experiences.

Date or Die History - 18 Posts Over 14 Months in 1 Picture

The most thoughtful media coverage of the great collapse of 2008

ICYMI - CNN - 2 Guys making-out in front of Lehman Bros. during Live Broadcast @ Yahoo! Video

I like to watch - Fringe

Come for the Pacey, stay for a show that looks to be the illegitimate lovechild of Alias and Lost.

JJ Abrams returns to baffle us with yet another mystery that he won't reveal very quickly. Yes there is a conspiracy afoot, but unlike Lost it won't take us 4 seasons to realize its there. Oddly enough the only people who can solve it are a super smart Joshua Jackson and his father, a schizophrenic genius who experimented on everything in the lat 70s. They are supported by Lance Reddick (The Wire, Lost) and a very untalented but pretty actress who I have never seen before. I can't reveal too much about the show itself. I will just say the two hour premiere was worth a watch.

In a recent article, JJ admitted that he has learned a lot about storytelling from working on Lost and is making a concerted effort to make this show more episodic, with a serial backdrop. That sound very X-Files to me. I approve so far.

Also, I am glad to see alums of the Wire doing so well. First, Tristan Wilds shows up as the new (black) Brandon Walsh on 90210 and now Reddick showing up here. Good to see these actors getting their due after toiling in obscurity for so long.


Fringe airs Tuesdays at 8pm on Fox

I like to listen

This was outside Lehman today

Date or Die: xTian vs. Jesus

It's finally happened. My interests and those of my lord are savior Jesus Christ are no longer aligned. Two ships in the night. Peace brother, I love you.

I am too good at what I do. Standing on the street at a little before 1am in a warm sweat, I thought to myself
"This sort of thing just does not happen to me"

It really doesn't. I don't get this far and don't get to close the deal. I am really good at what I do. This doesn't happen to me...unless of course I am getting c*ckbl*ck*ed by a higher power. Thus the start of my feud with the Lord.

I am cranking on all cylinders with this girl. In fact, a few hours earlier, in the middle of our second date, she accused me of being disingenuous, because I seemed to say everything she wanted to hear just when she wanted to hear. It was so perfect. She did not believe. My reaction, outright laughter, was my first misstep in two dates. But even a misstep, so well timed, that it came exactly when she needed, even this she found fishy. I hate being challenged. However, I grinned and bore it. I did not lose my cool. There are far worse crimes than saying the right thing.

When I kissed her on the street she was into it, and slightly lost herself. Only regaining composure when the hem of her skirt found its way north of her bottom. We were standing in the street, desolate as it was.

I went back in, the gentle chastising leaving me unsure what to do with my hands. She laughed at this. The humor was not lost on me. Smiling, I hailed a taxi.

Outside her apartment we were still acting school aged. Heading towards the elevator I nearly knocked over a woman exiting with her bicycle.

At her door, she thanked me for a lovely evening. I laughed again as I drifted in.

She got more assertive but in an affectionate way. Since I had met her she made it clear that she was a good girl. Laughing, I moved towards the door. She held firm.

As I left I invited her out the following evening. She reminded me of some commitment and I realized her faith was something she took seriously.

xTian vs. Jesus, it was bound to happen.

Leak

Evil

Word has it that XTIAN is on a big date tonight. In fact, he's probably too big to be written about in a Date or Die column. An "Impregnate or Die" column is more like it. Will XTIAN real-time blog this one???

Recognize Me?

Evil

Mystery photo of the day... can anyone identify who this is? Put your guesses in the comments section.

Great Date?

If things continue going well for Xtian and 6-hour date girl, this might seal the deal - nothing signals "man" like bull riding.

Triumph at the RNC

The Lynn Swann bit was awesome

Date or Die: More than enough Spirituality

I was soaking wet. She laughed because I did not have an umbrella. She had gone so far as to email me on Friday suggesting I bring an umbrella. She was still laughing. I mumbled something silly. She could not hear it over the rain. I repeated

"It was sunny when I left home. The optimist in me refused to believe that it would rain. I hate carrying an umbrella in the sun. It's like you are hoping for the worst"

"what?"

It was a lie of course. Who thinks something like that? I just forgot it. But this answer made for a much better story. I have a gift for small lies. Its part of my charm.

We started with brunch. She thought the time was too short so she invited me to the New Museum with her to continue our conversation. It was, of course, preposterous and I love modern art.

She was daring me to venture in the rain. At the street corner, after her small laugh, she handed me her umbrella and asked me to hold it for her as we walked down the street. She listed a series of errands to run where we could keep getting to know each.

At Bloomingdale's, I surprised her with my sense of personal style. Not wanting her to think me gay I kissed her on a couch at Crate & Barrell after I picked out a gift for her friend.

As we parted ways, I said "Next time, we'll do this at night."

"Do what?"

"Go on a date"

"oh...you sure about that."

"I'd bet money. Tell you what, I'll pick the day, you pick the place. I'm assertive but flexible."

"Deal"

She laughed at least till the elevator door closed.

People on Steroids for No Good Reason

This morning I went out for a run around Brooklyn - part of my 'don't be fat for your own wedding' fitness program. As I was running I started wondering what I would look like if I were really buff. I've never been really buff - and probably never will be, which is what made this the perfect sort of thing to pass the time thinking about while running.

Then I was reminded of the time a few months ago when KillerB2 and I went to a stand up comedy showcase in New York featuring funny alums of Wellesley (much funnier than the Mount Holyoke stand-up showcases we usually attend). Following the women of Wellesley on stage that night was former child star turned funnyman Danny Bonaduce. I happend to be sitting at the bar when he walked into the place. I thought I would pump him up by shouting some encouragement and giving a (mocking) high-five, which he gladly and enthusiastically returned. And it was then, as his little child star paw nearly tore my shoulder out of socket that I realized he was clearly on the juice. And I had no idea why. It certainly didn't make him funnier - just scarier really.

Which brings me back to this morning. I quickly surmized that a) I would look ridiculous if I were buff, and b) like, Danny Bonaduce, I have no reason to be buff.

And then I thought of Carrot Top, another funnyman with scary muscles. Whatever Bonaduce is on, Carrot Top must be taking 2 of.

There are obviously any number of athletes using steroids, but they at least have a reason (to cheat, and win), and action heros and wrestlers like Sly and Hulk have of course built their persona on them. But comedians? I don't get it. So for now I'm going to stay off the juice.

Have Hosers seen any other pointless juicing going on out there in the world? Or anyone you suspect? Putin, for example? That guy is ripped.

Sometimes I feel like this guy

BFF

Evil



I've been having a grand 'ol time playing Scrabble with my new BFF, Nora. She's much nicer than KillerB. Check out the board that Nora and I have going right now. Pretty wacky, huh?

Evil's Epic Collapse

Hose readers are no strangers to Evil's huge claims on a range of matters from weight loss to Scrabble. Well, turns out we can expect fewer big shot posts from him now. Above you'll see the play-by-play results of our first ever Hose ScrabblePalooza Invitational. After drawing "Z" on the opening rack ("razed" for 34 points) and scoring 79 points on his 4th move ("quoit" - whatever that is) Evil jumped out to a commanding lead. I knew I had a tough road ahead. He clearly was feeling very confident too, as he started 'chatting' with gems such as "jerk", "that's such a gay word", "butthead", "you've got a huge douche coming", "why don't you just forfeit", and "you're so dumb".

I tried not to let these distract me, however, and just kept trying to play good solid scrabble. You can see from the graph that I'm remarkably consistent, while Evil is anything but. Towards the end I made one last push to tighten things up. I played "anthem" (while also getting credit for "dent") for 32 points, but this left me with just 2 tiles, H and E. Evil came back with "bloom" on a triple word score for 21 points (at which point he told me I was gay again). But did I have a move in store! Down 36 points with just two tiles left I created 3 words ("Her", "He", and "Bee"), including 2 on a double word score tile. Final score, KillerB 335, Evil 332.

Quick Prediction

Jet will win 11 games, but loose the first two...put it in the books

Why to love the new 90210

• Michael Lee from The Wire is Rob Estes and Lori Laughlin's son?!?!? Huh?...Michael is black...huh?
  
• Nevid, the male Andrea is played by an Ecuadorian...woo!
  
• Mama Bluth plays the grandmother. She boozes too much with hilarious consequences!
  
• BJ in the first 5 minutes
  
• Cameo by Hannah Zuckerman Velazquez...hahaha
  
• Kelly and David's sister is in high school and trampy hot...
  

On the downside

• There are too many characters and too much nodding to the old days, seriously, did we need Joe E Tata back?
  
• All the girls need to mix in a sandwich...except Kelly Taylor, who is way more attractive now than she was as a teenager oddly enough
  

Energy

She is actually coming across as fairly thoughtful on energy...I mean she's full of sh*t but she's actually deep...

I feel like the whole thing is a bit colloquial...

They just started cutting to hotter chicks in the audience once she started talking energy...heat...yeah!

Her Speech

At five minutes in, her speech is all about what a great dude McCain is, let's hear your story Governor.

Her son is in the armed forces. Good for him...we are now into her family's story. This is good build up structurally.

She is very calm up there, you can see some spunkiness to her. I'll admit I am a bit charmed.

Trig apparently has special needs...why are her kids so oddly named?

What the f is a world champion snow machine racer?

Oh man, they cut to her youngest daughter holding her youngest son and fixing his hair. Too cute

zinger..."a small time mayor is sorta like a community organizer, except that you have actual responsibilities"...well done...that was funny

Sara Palin

MSNBC cuts to Brisol with her boyfriend as Moma Palin walks out. Bristol is pretty good looking for a knocked up 17 year old...what? i'm just saying

Governor Palin looks a bit older here than she normally does. The crowd does not seem that interested in what she has to say they are just cheering randomly. It's like being at the Yankee game and cheering for the subway cars on the big screen

woah...MSNBC just looked through the someone's digital camera...odd stuff

Lots of old people in the crowd.

Her accent is fargo-ish and charming.

Rudy

Evil

Listening to Rudy's speech. 80% of his speech is partisan red meat. But you know what, I have a soft spot in my heart for Rudy. He's so quintessential New York. He's real. People outside of New York probably do not understand him at all. He's a strange-looking little man. But he's alright in my book.

Carly Fior...yaaaaawn...

Evil

The common element in Meg and Carly's speeches is generic-ness. Neither spoke on topics that they were experts on. (Meg: don't bid too early on an item. I just drives up the price! Carly: Go for the laser printer. It's economical now!) They were just stuffed suits delivering a political speech that was entirely written for them. Seems kind of sad. And lame.

Pre-Gaming

Evil



The major cable news networks such as CNN, MSNBC, and FOX News are trotting out the pundits at this early hour. But CSPAN is showing a direct feed of the convention. Being that I'm in the tech industry, I wanted to catch Meg Whitman (former CEO of eBay) speak. She just finished... Borrrrrrr-ring! What a downer. Carly Fiorina (former CEO of HP) is up in a bit. She's sort of a mean witch. Let's see if she's any better.

Real Time Blogging!

Evil

Tune in to The Hose tonight as Xtian and I do some real-time blogging on the Republican convention. America's Mayor, Rudy Guiliani is delivering the keynote and America's next VP, Sarah Palin is headlining the night.

Freaky!!!

Governor of Florida Charlie Crist is so freaky looking. I'm so glad he wasn't chosen as the VP candidate just because I couldn't stand to watch him in the news every day. He's so sickly looking that it seems like he's both a chemo patient and a heroin addict.

But freakiest of all is his crazy f'ing eyebrows. Check out this video (start at time 3:42). Look at his wild eyebrows as they swat at his hairline. Freaky. Freaky!!!

Fun Stuff

Evil

I'm more than a little surprised at this poll result, but definitely happy to accept it! Xtian and others will deride this poll and its result about being "sad" and/or "desperate." This was no such thing. I was just seeking the truth here. And thanks to you Hosers, we now know.

Write your own Caption!