Girl alert for Evil

Evil,

Please be advised that an attractive, young-ish, Asian, tennis phenom who almost certainly has big calves, is throwing a wrench in Wimbledon. She is a Chinese national, which would make your mother very happy. She is rich, at least for her age, having picked up nearly $2 million prior to this event. And she will probably be in New York later this summer for the US Open. I have not seen close-ups of her teeth, but in all other respects, she seems perfect for you (i.e., exceedingly out of what ought to be your league). I suggest you pursue her with vigor, at least once you are down to your ideal weight of 168.5 lbs.