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Guest Starring the Bumpasaurus!!! And other fun Family members!

More Weddings! Part 1

I love this song.

I was in Miami this past weekend for a wedding! My cousin, DEEG, though technically already married threw herself a rocking party for her friends and family in Miami.

Lots of upside to this wedding for a bunch of reasons. Anyone remember this comedy? Same crew, same town, new situation. My mom was not coming as she's on the 15 Day Disabled List, but lots of potential for crazy with the Bump, my pops, and the rest of this zany crew.

It was going to be a bang, bang, in and out trip for a bunch of reasons. But as my brother later pointed out it was mostly so he could avoid hanging out with Manolo for an extended period of time.

Bump feigned being ill on the drive down. When we stopped to get gas I walked into the rest area to get some airborne for us and a green tea for the kid. Of course Bump grabs a red bull and a green tea and my dad has his 3rd cup of coffee as a chaser to the airborne i hand him.

We spend the rest of the ride bouncing off the walls and taking turns demanding to pull into rest areas so we can use the bathroom and accelerate our collective caffine induced dehydration.

At the hotel, we grab a quick lunch. Soon several cousins stop by proclaiming that yesterday at the rehearsal dinner was fun. One also proclaiming that nothing was his fault. As he left my dad asked me what that was all about, I asked him how much he really cared.

As he took a bite of his grouper sandwhich he stuck out his hand palm side down lightly fluttered it in such a way that I unsure if he was answering "not much" or telling me his sandwhich was at best ok.

No one said anything else at the table till we were done eating.

As we got on the trolley, a stocky fellow grabbed me and handed me a sheet. Apparently I was meant to read this at the church. It was in spaSo the translation nish, I had not read it or prepared so I started looking at it.

Getting on the trolley a stephen king look a like stops me and says "holla". Bump asks him to stop being racist. It turns out to be the groom's father. he has a corona in his hand, we're on our way to a church. Actually everyone has a corona in their hand, except me. Had I stayed at the Day's Inn I'd have more beer money.

At the church, the ceremony starts. While I read what I have to say over and over. The grammer on this stuff is wrong by the way...way wrong, even in english its an awkward sentence. The translation must be busted.

I'm judging the collective ability of my family to structure sentences, clearly they are frequent visitors to the xTian School of bad grammer and run on sentences. While thats going on, Bump is doing a comedy routine for my dad. The priest is happily ignoring us.

My reading goes off without a hitch but I get to sit at the alter while Stephen King does a reading. DEEG is facing the alter as well and breaks into a laugh during something about obeying your husband. I can't stop myself and let out a squeel. My uncle who is sitting next to me grabs me tersely by the neck. I put my face in my hands. Oh god, I just got here and already I suck.


Songs of the Car Trip
Debaser(cover) by Rogue Wave
I Will Remember by Bloc Party
Black Swan by Thom Yorke
Smack That by Akon
Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefani
Chips Ahoy by The Hold Steady

The last Killers Album was also extensively discussed and polarized the car over whether it was any good or just exhausting in its seriousness of tone

Wierd Home Stuff

My dad just flipped to this on TV and talked about what a pretty song it is.

My dad = freak on a leash???

Other Terrible Blogs covering the Oscars

The ShowBiz Show also covered the Oscars. If you have nothing funny to say don't say anything at all.

Poser

Evil

WTF is up with Gwenyth Paltrow? She's sporting a fake British accent. So lame!

Mid-Oscar update

Evil

I just finished eating an entire roast chicken. I've had 4 glasses of sparkling wine. And I'm ironing my dress shirts for the upcoming work week. The Oscars are riveting. I might go eat 4 tangerines during the next segment.

The ghost of James Taylor

My boredom is interrupted by Randy Newman dragging out James Taylor's corpse and re-enacting a scene from Weekend at Bernies.

What? They're nominated for Best Song? Really?

The Girl From Little Miss Sunshine

Evil



The girl from Little Miss Sunshine is on stage presenting some award. I'm already too hammered to keep track of which award is which. How old is that girl? She's wearing a strapless gown, exposing her shoulders. Is that appropriate? How long before a sleezy old guy, like Scott Baio, gets in her pants? I give it 18 months. Hollywood is a cruel place.

Clowny Tall Guy

Evil

Do you remember that tall guy from SNL? They're making him sing about being a clown. OH NO! Jack Black just jumped in! Jack Black needs to take a sedative. They're both singing about being clowns / comedians. They cut to Leo DiCaprio in the audience. Is that his wife or his mom sitting next to him? Whoever she is, why can't she afford a nose job?

Whoa, who's the 3rd person who just jumped into this musical skit? Is he from the MTV show Jackass, starring Johnny Knoxville?

I hate this skit. I am singing at home. I wish you could all see this.

Jack Black and Will Farrell

Jack and Will come out and sing a song about how it sucks to be them and make movies that make a lot of money but are not taken seriously. I'm not sure this applies to Jack, I mean who liked King Kong? What about that wierd movie with Ben Stiller, and doesn't he take himself way to serious?

My line of thinking is interrupted by John C Rielly coming up and singing about occasionally doing something like Magnolia so people take you seriously. that's exactly what I need in my life Will Farrell doing serious movies. Didn't that trick blow up in Adam Sandler's face?

There are several overt come ons to Helen Mirren...i gag a bit

Pan's Labrynth wins again...that movie is fine...

Opening Monologue

Evil


Ellen DeGeneres is doing the opening monologue. She's wearing a red velvet suit. She keep stumbling on her words, but that's her shtick. Yeah, being a poor speaker is my shtick too. It's on purpose.

I gotta hand it to Ellen though. She's held up much better than Melissa Ethridge. They cut to a brief shot of her earlier. Melissa Ethridge looks like she's been tortured the past 5 years. Tortured by having Cheetos stuffed down her throat.

Everyone takes a Bow

The Oscars open witha wierd montage no one likes. Then they ask all the nominees to stand at their seats and take a bow. Isn't the whole night about taking a bow?

Ellen Degeneres's purple velvet suit and white shoes is a little too vegas...

I'm betting she won't be funny. Wait she always wanted to host the academy awards? Really? Is that something little girls dream about?

Let's assume she's terrible

Greatest Actress of Her Generation

Evil



Lisa Ling is interviewing Kate Winslet. She throws out the tidbit that, at age 31, Kate Winslet is the youngest actress to have 5 Oscar nominations. Kate Winslet is the greatest actress of her generation. Although Natalie Portman isn't far behind. Linsay Lohan is a dark horse in that race. Have you seen Mean Girls?!

The Three Stooges

Apparently this is the first time Mark has been invited to the Oscars. Please note, Tracy Edmunds, I'm sure Mark brought a date too...but we have no idea who she is or what she looks like. The only time you should get on a camera is when you have a nip slip...


They just compared the del toro, ignarratu, and cauron to Coppola, scorcese and de palma. del toro just made an obligitory three stooges joke. the woman interviewing them just grab del toro's ass. I don't get it, are they segregating the mexicans? Why did they have to be interviewed together?

Lisa Ling asked kate winslett about doing a nude love scene, between that and her prodding Nicole and Naomi to describe their relationship I think we have a developing story here. Over/Under on Lisa tonguing down a female oscar attendee? 12 minutes

Ryan Gosling Montage

After a crazy montage that includes him dancing on Mickey Mouse Club with Britney we cut to Ryan Gossling is "rolling large" according to Chris Connelly. He thanks chris saying that he was "rolling like snoop" with his mom and sister on both arms.

I really liked Half Nelson.... I hope he wins

Penelope to more Eddie

Cut to the PriceWaterhouseCoopers guys. They are skeeving out Penelope Cruz, who is so unnerved by their presence she fails to say anything coherent. Chris Connelly asks her a very long winded question that includes the answer she eventually spits back in his direction.

jada Pinkett Smith is 4ft 8. the Gay dude interviewing him wants to re-enact the scene from his first movie....they cut away from will before he gets sodomized in front of his son.

A rapidly deteriorating Cameron Diaz is all in white. She's a bit bloadted and drunk. JT clearly got off that train at the right time...bastard

Oh no, Lisa Ling is talking to Eddie (again). Who is Tracy Edmonds and why does she have to be introduced as well? I mean she's good looking and what not but what about Scary Spice? Is she home 8 months preggers with his kid? He just shouted out Pluto Nash...

Comedians Are Unbearable On The Red Carpet

Evil

Chris "I Wish I Were Kurt Loder" Connelly is interviewing Steve Carell ("40 Year Old Virgin"), who is trying to be funny, but actually falling flat on his face. Much like this post. Comedians are so unbearable on the red carpet. People, just be yourself! Why do you always feel the need to play the clown? You're not funny when teams of genius writers aren't scripting your lines.

Steve Carril and Chris Connelly

While Chris is interviewing Steve a factiod flashes indicating that Steve once was a mail carrier in rurual Massachussetts.

A british chick who was in Devil Wears Prada is interviewed. Anna Hathaway has nothing to say. I wish she would show us her tits again...

Jennifer Hudson is Fat and Ugly

There I said it...we can all move on

Chris Connelly

Evil

ABC hired Chris Connelly to work the red carpet? Isn't that scraping the bottom of the barrel? I mean, the last time that Chris Connelly was cool was... I guess that was back when *I* was cool. That is, never. C'mon! This is the Oscars. I want to be entertained. Oh, they just cut to Lisa Ling. She's interviewing Nicole Kidman, who's towering over her. Asians just don't get that tall.

Pre-Game Meal

Evil

I'm in the process of eating an entire roast chicken. Wade Boggs (All Time Yankee Great!) always ate chicken before baseball games. I'm well on my way to obsesity. Half way though a bottle of champagne (well, actually, sparkling wine).

8:01 pm Openning Scene

Th Happy Feet Penguins do this wierd montage thing to "boogie wonderland". It doesn't make much sense to me.

The announcer, Chris Connelly, welcomes us and chris mentions that they have camera's they have never been before. (In Chris' place does this mean a girl's private parts?...that's right I said it, I went cheap early with the gay jokes)

Leo leads off talking about how hard it is to make a movie in the hollywood system about "something". He's apparently referring to blood diamonds. Which looks completely unbearable.

He cuts to Lisa Ling! I beg a question, is the Oscars Red Carpet where pseudo celebrity interviewers go to die?

Lisa is asking Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts how much they hang out. No one cares

Live from the Red Carpet

That automaton Ryan Seacrest and Eddie Murphy just held an impromptu MENSA meeting on the red carpet. Ryan asked Eddie if given that the was on Saturday Night Live (?!) did he feel pressured to entertain during the red carpet speech.

He also asked Mark "don't call me Marky" Wahlberg about his troubles with the law as a youth, twenty years ago in South Boston...

I'm left wondering if Ryan's hard drive has serious disk errors on all data collected after 1985.

Pre-Gaming

Evil



I just finished watching the final day of the Tour of California on the Vs. Network (formerly the Outdoor Living Network). Switched over the the Barbara Walters pre-Oscars special. My testosterone-to-estrogen level has not adjusted yet. It's like spending 2 or 3 days in a spider hole and then suddenly being thrust into direct sunlight. Your eyes need more than a few seconds.

Barbara Walters is interviewing Helen Mirren ("The Queen"). Helen Mirren just said, "But I have a huge bottom" and then her and Barbara Walters both giggle. Someone kill me.

Real Time Blogging, Oscars Edition

Evil

Get ready people! Real Time Blogging (TM) coming up! Also, I've been drinking since 5pm today. If I blog anything stupid, just blame it on XTIAN.

At Last!

Evil

Even though my family is crazy and super stressful to be around sometimes, at least one good thing came out of Chinese New Year: As part of going back to Queens to see them, I also got to drop into a Best Buy in Queens. And guess what?! They had Wii controllers in stock! Woo! It's been impossible to find any supply in any of the Manhanttan stores or even online (except on Ebay where they rape you in exchange for the controllers). Now I have 4 full sets of controllers. Now all I need is 3 friends. That'll be the toughest find.

Yo, What Up Bitches?

Evil

Hey, happy lunar new year, y'all. Also, happy valentine's day. I haven't heard much from KenTak3. I wonder if he did anything special for Mamacita and/or Bruno. Or if his emotion chip is still on backorder. If you think getting hold of a Nintendo Wii is hard... Anyway. Mr. Shoulders has been quiet lately. I haven't ridden in this Porsche yet! Although at this point, there's probably already too much DNA all over the seats for me to go in there without a hazmat suit. Evil Twin #2 said she was coming over next week to check out my apartment (at the recommendation of KenTak3, who was apparently giving my bathroom fixtures a really hard look). I doubt Evil Twin #2 will actually come though. What I think she'll actually do is call me from someone else's apartment and tell me how nice that other apartment is. Lastly, Mr. and Mrs. Balls is in town this weekend! Try to catch them if you can. (Or, if you're like me, you'll just say, "Meet you at 11pm? Hah!")

Too Much Or Too Little?

Evil

When people don't post, I always wonder if it's because they have too much going on in their real lives, or too little? I wonder what Manolo is up to? I wonder if XTIAN and his new roommate (bedmate?) are getting along nicely.

So have *I* had too much or too little going on the past couple of weeks? Neither, really. Although I did book a 3 week trip to southeast Asia. Planning to visit Thailand, Cambodia, and Laos. I told me mom and she was like, "What is there to see in Laos? It's so small. Sometimes, I think you're kind of weird." My dad called me last night and he was all freaked out. Among other things, he said, "Do you realize that Cambodia is a dangerous country? Before you were born, we fled the country, your mom, me, and your sister, we almost didn't get out alive. They look at foreigners like you and it's not out of the question that they would kill you."

DUDE! That was 30+ years ago. Is my dad stuck in a time warp?

Anyway, I plan to go to these countries and adopt unwanted Asian babies by the basketful. Any one want one? Just shoot me an email and tell me boy or girl preferred. And light skin or dark skin.