This Song Is For XTIAN

XTIAN has a total crush on Prince. And XTIAN's theme song is Creep, by Radio. So this video of Prince covering Creep is perfect for XTIAN.

I see no difference

Not So Tough In Real Life, Are You?

Evil

Had an interesting and funny email exchange with Loyal Reader #1 (Steph, of Here.To.Here fame) this weekend. Steph lives in Boston, so she hasn't met many of the Hosers in person. But recently saw some pics from Evil Twin #2 and KenTak3's bday celebration. KillerB was also there. Steph had an observation about about how people look in real life, relative to their online persona...

"I think I based my ideas of what people looked like on the mii's you guys made at new years. Except killerb. I just thought he'd be some aggressive looking guy."

Hah! KillerB is not so tough in real life!

Outdated Movie Review: Forgetting Sarah Marshall

I loved this movie. It was awesome. Some reviews thought it was too dark, with protagonist Jason Segel crying a bit too much. I didn't think so, the theater I saw it in, found those scenes really funny and laughed heartily all the way through his sad fits. The most damning criticism I have for it is that I did not need to see Jason Segel's schlong that much. Though her dumping him while he is naked was sort of hysterical.

I have never thought Kristen Bell very attractive. Her eyes are a little strange and she is quite short. Still she convincingly plays a TV starlet here, which I guess is not much a stretch for her.

Mila Kunis on the other hand? To die for...totally. That made much more sense.

go watch it, its awesome

Birthday Celebration!

Evil

Picture of us out celebrating Evil Twin #2 and KenTak3's birthday. Great to hang with them, plus Mamacita, Xtian, Killer B, and some other friends. And thank goodness Manolo didn't show up uninvited and try to barge into our fun times.

Cop Laughs At Fat Guy

Evil


http://view.break.com/490738 - Watch more free videos

This cop should be suspended for his utter unprofessionalism!

Bye :(

Evil

Sad to see Kristy Lee Cook go...

5 Things I've learned about this girl that make me not want to hook up with her (anymore)

(1) She's a Republican
(2) Prior to Sunday, she had never eaten Indian food
(3) Her dream is to run the library system for federal prisons (wha?)
(4) She has an odd fascination with people in the military
(5) Her self deprecation streak runs really deep

Whoa

Evil

http://view.break.com/488418 - Watch more free videos

Watch what happens in the background. This looks like something the Bumpasaurus would do.

Manolo’s Homemade Tomato Sauce Recipe

Hey DullerBiatch…Thanks for the tip. I got the job!!! I am getting $4.16 per post. Money will be coming in via Paypal so I don't even have to go to the bank…Wooooo!!!!

Anyway, I spent this whole weekend cutting up tomatoes. You see, I was working on my first post for TomatoCasual (Everything Tomato for People Who Love Tomatoes). My recipe is being reviewed but in the meantime, I decided to cross post to the Hose for your reading pleasure.

Manolo's Homemade Tomato Sauce Recipe

Ingredients

1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil

1 large onion, peeled, coarsely chopped (2 cups)

1 large carrot or 2 small carrots, peeled, coarsely chopped (about 3/4 cup)

3 garlic cloves, peeled, finely chopped

5 large tomatoes, coarsely chopped (4 cups) or 2 (28-ounce) cans whole tomatoes, drained, coarsely chopped

2 tablespoons tomato paste

Coarse sea salt to taste

Freshly ground black pepper to taste

DullerBiatch’s head

Instructions:

In a large heavy skillet, heat the olive oil over medium-high heat. Saute the onion and carrot for 2 to 3 minutes, reduce the heat to medium, cover and sweat the vegetables over medium heat for about 25 minutes or until soft and golden.

Add the garlic, stir well, cover and sweat for 5 minutes more or until softened. Add the tomatoes and tomato paste. Add DullerBiatch’s head. Bring to a boil, reduce the heat to medium-low and simmer, uncovered, for about 10 minutes to blend the flavors.

Push the cooked sauce through a food mill or blend in a food processor and push through a sturdy, small-holed strainer into a large bowl. Add salt and pepper to taste.

The sauce can be cooled and stored in the refrigerator for up to 1 week or frozen up to 3 months.

Yield: 8 servings

P.S.- You can also try Giada De Laurentiis recipe. It seems she LOVES tomatoes too...

Imperfections, Part 1

Evil

When people come over to my place for the first time, they invariably comment about the piggy banks that I have all around the apartment. “You have a lot of piggy banks.” Or, “You must really like piggy banks.”

It’s true that I have a lot of them. But it’s not true that I really like piggy banks.

Most were given to me as gifts. Why? Because I guess people see that I have a lot of them, so they figure I like them, so they get me more. That’s okay though. I display all the piggy banks that are hand made. The hand-made-ness is what I really like -- they’re all unique in one way or another. None of them are perfect. One of my favorite piggy banks came to me via my God Fearing Indian Friend’s trip to Peru. The little guy is haphazardly painted and has a little chip on his right ear. But I think he has so much charm.

Maybe because I’ve always thought of myself as an imperfect person is the reason why I’m drawn to imperfect things. I have a habit of accidentally scratching up new watches within days of getting them. But I never mind the scratches. Once scratched up, the watches feel like they’re really mine. Once imperfected, they sit more comfortably on my wrist.

The iPhone Girl doesn’t know any of this background. We were sitting close together. Close enough that others who saw us would think, oh, those are two people who are comfortable with each other. But in truth, we were still just getting to know one another even though things felt accelerated. In a good way, though. I was telling her about my love for people-watching. At Starbucks on a Sunday morning. At the new Moma. On the subway.

“I have a special gift for people watching,” I say.

“Oh?” (Her eyes seem to twinkle and she has the ability to raise just one eyebrow, as if to question me, but at the same time, wordlessly prompting me to tell her more. I find this look incredibly attractive.)

“I’m not just a casual people watcher. I could go pro, if there were such a thing as a pro league for people watching. For example, within about a tenth of a second of seeing someone, I can spot any physical imperfection on them.”

She squints her eyes into narrow slits, but doesn’t say anything. So I continue.

“Bow-legged? I catch that right away. Really unattractive in females. One ear sticks out more than the other? I find that one cute, but I can’t help but fixate on it once I notice it. Asymmetry is so easy to spot. I basically do it unconsciously. I don’t even have to think.”

She perks up in her chair. She opens her eyes wide. They’re hazel-colored and very pretty. As if in slow motion, I see her lips curl up into a mischievous grim. She leans toward me.

“So tell me… What are my imperfections?”

I’ve got her. I’ve GOT her. She wants to play the game. You see, this is one of my games and it works like a charm. Once a girl asks me what her imperfections are, I tell her. She’ll ask the question, but she’ll never like the answer. What girl likes to be told outright what’s wrong with her looks? And even when I don’t spot anything right away, I just make something up. "Looks like you're developing freckles. Too much sun?" Or, "Oh, looks like you've got a bit of an overbite. But I think that's cute on you." The beauty of this game is that it puts a girl on edge. It lets her know that you know she’s not perfect. And once she knows that, she’ll try harder to gain your favor.

I turn so now we’re face to face and close together. She’s still wearing her mischievous grin and her wide open eyes are reflecting the dancing flame of a votive candle on the bar. With one hand, I softly tuck her hair behind her ear. I do the same on the other side, but this time I also brush my hand lightly across her cheek. I can see her respond to this. She closes her eyes for an extended blink and her grin melts from the look of mischief to the look comfort and pleasure.

Our gazes are focused on each other’s faces. For a moment, it feels as if no one else is around us, even though we’re two people in a packed lounge. I feel close to her.

She breaks the silence. “Well?”

Before that moment of closeness, my mind had already concluded to make something up, since I didn’t immediately see an imperfection in her face. It’s better when you make something up, because chances are, a girl will not have heard it said to her before, so it’s all the more jarring and disorienting.

My hands had been resting lightly on her shoulders. I take them off.

“I have a really good eye for these things. Really good,” I say. “But I don’t see anything.”

There’s something about her where it made me feel like I didn’t want to play the game with her. I wonder if it means something.

Chris Matthews Pulls an XTIAN

This is so creepy! I mean, XTIAN-level creepy.

Manolo's Public Service Announcement #5

Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy...


P.S.- And you Hosers say I don't bring anything to the Hose. Do you see how I am going after the younger Disney demographic? I don't see DullerBiatch doing anything for the younger readers besides molesting them in the playground...

Life after The Hose

Manolo -

This is getting kinda creepy. You disappear forever, get booted off (for good cause) then whine about it and refuse to leave - just like the kid that keeps riding his bike past a girl's house years after she dumped him - you know, just to see if she is home. We're home, and you're creeping us out.

Listen man - there is life after The Hose. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little upset about the way this has all gone down. I really do wish the best for you, despite that penis drawing. You know, the internet is really a huge place. There are plenty of opportunities out there for a good blogger like yourself. I should know. I searched for months before landing your gig here at The Hose. Here's one I think you might be interested in. Check it out.

Tomato Chef blogger. A blogger with serious tomato chef experience who would help our readers enjoy tomatoes in their kitchens all year round. We’d want this blogger to be able to create and share recipes, provide photographs of dishes when available and help our readers share their tomato love in the kitchen with friends and family.

How rad is that! And they pay you! I'm pretty sure The Hose never cut you a check. So how bout giving that a shot. Spend some time in the kitchen, work on some recipes - surprise us! We can't wait to see what you come up with.

So... good luck with everything, man. Keep in touch. Through email.

Manolo Recaps Idol Gives Back

In my previous apartment, I had a built in entertainment center (picture shown) which though handy for all my crap, limited the size of my TV screen. I recently moved to a new place and first thing I did was to break down and buy a 52’’ LCD... Supposedly, you can see people Halle Berry and Jessica Alba in all their glory. On the other hand, you have to be careful you stay away from high def when watching people like Howard Stern or Keith Richards or Evil. Anyway, while waiting for my high-def porn shipment to arrive, I decided to watch one show stocked with celebrities to see how they looked. That lucky show was Idol Gives Back…

Since xTian and Evil are always talking about quality and about the high level of standard for The Hose, I found myself with the urge to do a recap in the spirit of Evil’s movie reviews or xTian’s live blogging about the Grammys (little secret between you and me, they are usually done from his bathroom)…

I wanted to get a feel for their style. You know, get the right amount of lameness so besides reading their stuff, I also read some of KillerB’s posts. I immediately fell asleep (reason why I am posting this today instead of last night). I didn’t get to finish watching the show live but thank goodness for my DVR. Is there anything that baby can’t do?

Anyway, below is my recap of Idol Gives Back. Please note that this is done in an Evil/xTian mindset….

-Show starts with some dancers, some of whom are amazingly hot. I wonder where they are from…People always have the hots for dancers. Think that they are going to move the same way when they are in bed. That is simply not true. I can’t dance for crap but I am a tiger in bed….grrrrrrr!!!! Idols are on the side of the stage. They clearly can’t compete with the dancers.

-They bring Nascar Champion Jimmy Johnson…good thing they tell me who he is because otherwise I would have been lost. Perhaps they should have told me he drives the Lowe’s car…

-George Lopez is trying to raise money from the Latino viewing audience. It is very unlikely that if you speak only Spanish, you will be watching American Idol. You are most likely watching Pasion, the tale of a woman who falls in love with the pirate that kidnapped her in XVIII Mexico. This is of course not true if you are a self-hating Latino like xTian.

-Kylie Minogue comes onstage….is she still a celebrity? She must have a new album coming out…

-Mariah Shriver goes on about how we are the ones we are waiting for. Reminds me of Obama and all his Obama-rama-ding-dongs…Anyway, she was wearing one of those blouses that under unusual or harsh lighting become see through. I was waiting for an Alex Kerry moment...and I have no idea why since I don’t think she is pretty. Oh wait, I know…ta-tas are ta-tas!!!

-Ben Stiller. I had a friend just like Ben Stiller’s character in Zoolander. I wonder what ever happened to him. One day he just stopped calling and writing. What’s even weirder is I still stay in touch with some of his sisters. They send me pictures, throw a sheep at me every so often on Facebook and give me the occasional life update (marriage, kids, etc) but no word whatsoever on their brother…I think Balls even sent him some pics of Baby Balls and still got no response…

-Jennifer Connely – I think she is so hot. Her eyebrows kind of freak me out so if we were to have sex, I would so avoid the face money shot. Oh by the way, she talks about getting clean drinking water for Africans…

-Snoop Dog performs with Charlie Wilson (don’t know who he is) – I love me some Snoopy Dog…guy is/was a hard core rapper…does a porno video but still comes across like a family man. I wonder if that diamond studded microphone is for real or if he has someone from his entourage just to bedazzle stuff…

-Kobe Bryant with probably huge zit on his face asks for money. Is he still married to Vanessa? I vaguely remember her being kind of hot…

-Triple H – Wrestling guy is a blast from the past. It makes me think back in the day when I shared an apt with xTian and Balls. You would not believe the girlish screams from xTian every time the Rock came on stage. And don’t forget about Balls. He would say over and over again “Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?”

-Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson - She looks short. If I were to have sex with her, I would really have to fight my deeply ingrained desire to partake in a game of midget tossing…They are talking about obese children which is funny given Randy’s hefty size. He seems to have lost some weight though…

-Carrie Underwood, Teri Hatcher and some plumber guy who is supposed to be her husband (Desperate Housewives?) – Didn’t watch American Idol the season Carrie Underwood won so I am not emotionally vested. She is kind of hot. Not my type though. I used to like Teri Hatcher back in the day when she was Lois. Teri goes onstage to sing with the Band from TV. I thought it was a joke and that Carrie Underwood was going to come out and sing but they are actually a band. Her breasts kept bouncing….they look real and they look spectacular – looks like she didn’t have any makeup though. She looks really old.

-Who the heck is Mary Murphy? Why is she so annoying? Reminds me of Evil….

-Don’t know who the Jonas brothers are! Are they the new Hanson? MMMBop!!!

-I don’t watch the Disney Channel but it seems that Miley Cyrus is pretty popular. Miley Cyrus and Billy Crystal have a schtick that goes on forever. I walk away to make myself a grilled cheese sandwich (hmmm, cheese) and they are still going back and forth…She sings something…

-Now they go to the studio where the Idols are manning the phones. They have Syesha Mercado front and center. She is remarkably cute given how ugly her folks are...it seems kids of mixed race always pick up the best traits of their parents. I had a huge crush on an Euroasian chick back in college. I have moved on…Anyway, Syesha lives in Miami so I will see if I track her down…maybe she can introduce me to Kristy Lee Cook or Carly Smithson.

-Bono comes on and talks about AIDS. He says they need more money. Who is he again? That guy should keep his glasses on…his eyes are freaking me out!

-Julianne Moore comes on asking for money. I have a thing for red heads and thought she was hot but my brand new TV shows her lip wrinkles. It leads me to count them as if they were tree rings and become quite the huge turnoff…

-Fergie comes out with John Legend. Never thought she was hot and the high def shows her with hairy arms. I am very choosy and I have a thing regarding hairy arms…this takes Fergie out of contention.

-Heart comes out. I don’t know a lot about pop culture and have no clue who they are. Fergie joins them in some leather pants. The whole time was spent looking for camel toe…

-John Cena is another wrestling dude. In the background, there was video of him in his wrestling glory. For the record, I was only looking checking his shirtless body to compare muscles.

-They are back to the studio where the Idols are manning the phones. I am thinking about donating so I can have phone sex with Amanda Overmyer.

-Adam sandler looks like he is 40…that guy is falling apart…at least comb your hair. He reminds me of xTian (the falling apart part).

-Peyton and Eli Maning talk about New Orleans. I can’t say anything about Eli…the guy wins a Super Bowl for my New York Giants while slaying the Patriots. Suck it Boston!!!

-Damn that high definition signal. David Beckman is flawless. I guess there is something to say for metrosexuality (are Metrosexuals still around? Do they prefer a different name? Hey xTian, let me know)…Victoria on the other hand is as skinny as a toothpick and her big head is not proportionate to her body…reminds me of xTian as well…

-Annie Lenox is crying on a video and then comes onstage to sing like nothing happened. I have no idea who she was so I googled her. “Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This).” Woooooo! Now I know…

-Kiefer Sutherland – Love me Jack Bauer. Besides, I can’t say anything about him…that guy will track me down and waterboard me…by the way, who is down to go watch Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay?

-A clip of Celine Dion in Africa…that woman is all bones…I think some of the money will go to feed her…

- Jimmy Kimmel – He starts making fun of Simon and his man boobs. I see that guy and think of Sarah Silverman. I think she would be a wild cat in bed with all the cursing and bad language…

-They cut to a montage of Simon Cowell in NYC in a medical mobile that provides assistance to children without health insurance…Nothing to add here except that they could have used a more photogenic family…They cut back to him on the studio asking for money.

-Carrie Underwood goes onstage. As stated before, I never saw an episode from her season so I probably have only seen her 2-3 times on TV. Know some of her songs though. A LOT of close ups. I guess they know who they can zoom in with high def…

-Whoppi Goldberg asks for money. I noticed the tattoo by her breast…I wonder if she has a tramp stamp too…

-Ellen Degeneres pretends to be Oprah asking for money…

-Gloria Estefan comes out with Sheila E on drums (no clue who the latter is). I remember one time Gloria was one of the mentors and I think it was one of the worst shows ever. Sheila E knocks down the cymbals so just stays with the drums for the rest of the set

-Speak of the devil, there is Sarah Silverman. She is not that pretty but still willing to try the sex thingie. Also, malaria is not funny!

-Now we cut to Forrest Whitaker and his wife with a story about a little girl with malaria. Mosquito nets to prevent…is that so hard? Ooh….the Prime Minister of Great Britain Gordon Brown pledges to purchase 20 million mosquito nets for Africa…impressive but disappointing at the same time because all these governments pledge money and they fail to follow thru. Not to say anything about George W. Bush but I am always impressed at how eloquently British politicians speak. I need to double check if CSPAN still carry parliamentary debates…

-Keith Urban asks for money…

-Reese Witherspoon…I loved her on Election…she has a very pointy chin though…will have to deduct a point…

-The Idols perform “Seasons of Love.” Only reason I know it is because I recently saw the movie version of Rent. Has anyone seen Kids, Rosario Dawson’s first movie? Hard core stuff….I digress though…

-Dane Cook comes on…I never thought this guy was funny…I don’t understand how some people become famous and make tons of money while I toil day to day to make ends meet…

-Alicia Keys is in Africa. She is hot…man, I sound like Paris Hilton…

-Ashley Tisdale and Vanessa Hudgens come on TV asking for money. Apparently, they are from the movie High School Musical. It seems I am missing a whole demographic. Time to start watching Disney….

-Speaking of Disney, Miley is back…does she have a new CD coming out? The whole show was about her…I think she stole Fergie’s pants….and Evil, she is 15…don’t go checking for camel toe…

-There is a montage of Billy Ray and Miley in rural Kentucky...Don’t go breaking my achy breaky heart….that guy is smart….riding the gravy train once again!!!

-Robin Williams comes out as the winner of Russian Idol…Is he trying to be Yakov Smirnoff? Simon is not amused…Neither am I!

-Rob Schneider – another comedian asking for money…

-Tyra Banks – does anybody watch her show besides xTian? By the way, “giving to charity is “fierce”

-David Spade – Hahaha….his whole 10 seconds onstage was to introduce Brad Pitt…reminds me of xTian and Evil’s relationship…

-They kept announcing Brad Pitt for the past 2 months, and all he did was to be on a short clip about Katrina for about 3 seconds…Besides, Katrina is so 2 years ago…Yes we know, Bush doesn’t care about black people…

-Brad Pitt comes onstage and got huge cheers. His mike didn’t work …more cheers...waiting to get a new one…okay…what is he going to say? He goes on to introduce Chris Daughtry who is then shown in a video of himself in Uganda…

That’s it…seems “Idol Gives Back” when longer than its allotted 2 ½ hours and my Tivo stopped recording…

Besides, all this typing should have pushed my enemies' posts beyond the first page...

Manolo Needs To Work On His Photoshop Skills

Hey DullerBiatch - I do see that you are a pro…at sucking…...

P.S.- Your comments are way off the mark. I am still cool. Even on my worst day, you are no match for me. Darryl Strawberry was an average baseball player especially when he wasn't on crack. Landing on the moon was done in a sound stage in New Mexico and mastadons which are actually spelled mastOdons are not that fuzzy...

A Tale of Two Goodbyes

Evil



Manolo got the boot. No love for Manolo. Hey Manolo, wanna see what it looks like when you have to leave but people actually love you? Check out the above video of the little Filipino, Ramiele getting voted off of American Idol. Look where she gets to bury her face. Heaven. Pure heaven.

PR Announcement - A Measured Response

It’s with great sadness that we announce a dramatic shift in the direction of the Hose.

For a long time, The Hose has been about the trials and tribulations of a core group of friends. Originally, it started with xTian then we added Evil, then Manolo. That was a core. That stood for something, as long as we had that we would be ok.

As we grew the Hose grew. Soon, things got completely out of hand. We were joined by conspiracy theorists (The Mamacita), an animal (Bruno) and celebrities (Dr. Cosby). It was great. We were building momentum. However, many people who came also went. Some due to personality clashes (we miss you Sleeve) some because we had no idea who they were (Rina?). This is different. This is new. Today, we say goodbye to a member of our core, Manolo.

Manolo was, for a time, an inspired contributor. Well, he posted often and could spell, that counts in this business. Things were good. Then, he got "busy", whatever the hell that means. Evil and I jut got tired of carrying the load. We found this a tough decision to come to. We agonized. We knew it was necessary but were looking for an out, looking to respect old covenants. We went as far as to put it up to referendum. We let you, the fastidious forty fans vote. Maybe you could bring him back to the fold?

No response, not a word till this random declaration of war. That’s fine. Have your war. We battle. Bring your dancing shoes bitch.

So he's gone. That's it. Clean break.

We’re moving on. Evil aside, The Hose is first and foremost about quality. We think KillerB is a huge upgrade. First off, he posts. Secondly he’s brilliant. What’s not to love?

To Manolo- we say "Thank you. That was nice for a while. We hope the door doesn't hit you on your way out."

Many thanks,

Evil and xTian

Manolo Declares War

Ladies,

On the afternoon of April 7th Manolo learned that fellow Hosers without previous warning either in the form of an email or an instant message or an ultimatum with a Super Wall post on Facebook or a phone call had attempted on cutting Manolo loose from the Hose.

In view of these wanton acts of unprovoked aggression committed in flagrant violation of International Law and particularly of Article IX of the Hose Articles of Incorporation relative to the removal of Hosers, to which both Manolo and the rest of the Hosers are parties, His Greatness' Ambassador at Hose headquarters has been instructed to inform the Hose Board of Directors in the name of His Greatness’ Government in the city of Magic that a state of war exists between our two parties.

I have the honor to be, with high consideration,

Sir,
Your uncontested master,
Manolo

==================================================================
Just so you know, this won’t be an old war like WWII…it won’t be a modern war a la Rumsfeld/Bush…it will be a war of the future…after I am done with you, you think the Tibetans and the Burmese had it easy…the only flame being extinguished will the yours…

P.S. - For the record, even though Manolo formally declares war on the Hose and its Hosers, Bruno the Bear its exempt...he is so freaking cute in his birthday hat!!!

Manolo Has Hurt Feelings

Over the weekend, I called Xtian for our twice a year phone call…After making fun of Evil for about 10 minutes, we proceeded to talk about life. That conversation lasted about 2 minutes (which I think is a personal record for us). We promptly changed our conversation to the Hose which at this juncture WAS the only thing keeping our friendship together….

I said WAS because xTian and Evil staged are guilty of staging a coup d’état. I didn’t think they had it in them but I am to give credit where credit is due. It is almost genius the way they did it. First, Evil took the Hose as his own personal diary. He started posting every day with these lame posts about leaving [his old job], having sex with Mystery, and flying to India to become the next Siddhartha…

That was around the last time I read the Hose because besides being unbelievably boring, xTian and Evil got their cronies in Wall Street to crash the real estate market. I have been working non-stop to salvage what’s left of my real estate empire…Do you know how time consuming and exhausting it is to kick people out of their homes? You have to involve lawyers, get an eviction notice, and then get the sheriff to throw all those bums out…You give them plenty of time (5 minutes) to gather their papers and most important belongings and they still complain. They also have no control of their kids. You think they will find one minute in those five to tell their kids to stop crying. And another thing, those kids are freaking retards…they always leave their favorite blanket or toy behind. Hey kid, you ever stopped to think that maybe if you didn’t spend your five minutes crying, you could have gotten your Tickle Me Elmo…

Then, xTian and Evil go and draft some elementary school superstar thinking he is the next Kobe Bryant or LeBron James. They don’t tell poor DullerBiatch that he will be playing with the big boys and that his WeeWee skills won’t get him anywhere. Next step involves hosting an election about my future without telling me. I didn’t know there was a vote taking place until Monday with an hour left before polls closed. You know how little time that is to make an informed decision and vote. Luckily, I was able to access six computers and make my voice heard…otherwise I would have lost by a bigger margin. All I wanted was a chance…You don’t think I would have been wooing Hose readers like super delegates at the Democratic Convention, or working on a way to get access to more computers…

Don’t you know how hard I fought for the Hose? I made this place what it is. I can count on three fingers the people I have brought in…What about the times the Hose was left for dead and I went ahead and made a fool of myself for your amusement. I wanted the chance to partake in something greater than myself and you have crushed my dream…Now I will crush you…

Happy Birthday!

It's Bruno Bear's birthday, and he's been partying up a storm all day today. So much energy! At the next Hose outing, maybe we can pay a tribute to this 4-year old little guy and do some tequila shots.

Our Friend Algorithm

I clicked through the comment section of the latest poll results (sorry Manolo) - and what did I see - an advertisement for Russian ladies. Russian ladies looking for marriage. I figured I should support the sites that support The Hose, so I visited Anastasia Internationals. It turns out they are the "fastest way to reach thousands of Russian ladies". Normally I hate superlatives, but in this case it was really comforting to know I wasn't wasting my time on one of the slow ways to meet Russian ladies.

We all know that algorithms don't lie, they predict. Since I'm engaged, our friend Algorithm must be predicting that either Evil or X-tian (but probably both) are into this sort of thing. I happen to believe Algorithm is right about this, which is why I want to call dibs on Marina (yes I'm engaged, but you just never know.) My guess is that collectively X-tian and Evil have spent a lifetime suffering through poorly made vodka drinks at Pravda - widely regarded as one of the slowest ways to meet Russian ladies in NYC. Once they get clued into the fastest way it might be game over, and I think they will likely be into Marina as well. But I've got dibs now. She is "fond of life" and thinks it (life?) is her favorite hobby. I had never thought of it this way, but it turns out life is also one of my favorite hobbies. We are also both Scorpios, so we're pretty much made for each other.

Anyway - there are plenty of other lovely Russian ladies to choose from on Anastasia's site. Evil, X-tian - any catch your eye yet?

The Readers Have Spoken

Just as we suspected, no one wants Manolo around! Announcement forthcoming!

Inbox Fun!

I just got with the following header details"
From: ColonCleanse
To: xtian's work email
Subject: Flush Up to 20 execess pounds from your body

Well, crap

REM played Colbert last night. They played a song about crying. It's new, pretty blah, and I wish I'd never heard it. Not because I'm afraid to cry (ahem, x-tian), but because Michael, Peter and Michael look to be about 70 years old (on average - Stipe looks 90, the others look 60). McCain old. Grim Reaper old.

So now I'm old, which sucks. I remember when Swan Swan Hummingbird was sung by cool people. I realize now this is not at all different than remembering when a Happy Meal was $.05. At worst, this makes me a grumpy old man, and at best, just old. I can listen to all the cool new kids I can find, but until I forget that Life's Rich Pageant rocked, I'm stuck.

Thankfully I've got this blog to make me cool - right Manolo?