Even Al Gore Says It's OK

Evil


Over dinner, I was suprised to learn that neither Xtian nor KenTak3 had heard of the Tesla. Weird, because those two dudes are hip and on the cutting edge. Anyway, this is the car to get if you care about Mother Earth. It's 100% electric... gets 135 MPG... and goes from 0 to 60 in about 4 seconds. C'mon, people. Do it for the environment. And also do it if you got the 7-figure year-end bonus from Goldman this year. (*Mr. Shoulders*)

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Evil

Look what I found online! An awesome xmas gift!

Walk Down Memory Lane

Evil

Just got one of those automated emails from Columbia telling me to log on to the Alumni website and either accept or decline the undergrad interviews that they put in my queue. It's undergrad interviewing season again! I always have a good time interviewing undergrad candidates. Most of them remind me of how immature I was when I was that age.

Anyway, while I was on the Columbia alum website, I couldn't help but click on the "facebook" link (facebook in the generic sense, not as in facebook.com). What an amusing walk down memory lane. I saw Xtian's undergrad photo. His head is just as big! I also saw ET#2's photo. She had short hair in that photo. But I couldn't find ET#1. Waaah. What's up with that? Maybe ET#1 did the same thing I did, which is click the "Hide" checkbox under our profile options. :)

Tremendous Upside Potential

Bill Simmons aka the Sports Guy loves talking about Tremendous Upside Potential . During the NBA draft people are always banging on about what an athlete such and such is and he has a vertical that's this tall and a wingspan like this.

A more old school phrase for this is "looks great on paper". People used to always talk about how certain people looked great on paper, that is to say if we drew up their characteristics, people would think that they are a slam dunk for success. In the NFL they talk about Combine Performers, guys who shoot from the fifth round to the first round because they really impress everyone at the combine with their time in the 40 and their bench press even though its basically the same dude who got pancaked on the line in every big 10 game he played.

I think we bring these same concepts to dating. I just noticed this. I'll explain why. Recently at a brunch I met a woman. She was perky and cute. I was not into her because she falls below height requirements but I knew that I could pump up a good friend of mine about her. As I described my friend I realized he looked freaking great on paper.

Here's the list

• He's an acccomplished cook. He cooked a full Thanksgiving Dinner and executed it flawlessly. He is also a gifted host and was thoughtful about everything from presentation to wines to serve at various points in the day
• He's a good person, and very funny. Even though he occasionally overdoes it with his homages to me
• He has a fantastic exciting job and he's very good at it. He's also highly motivated and likely to be a great provider
• He seems to like kids very much
• Solid fashion sense, he only occasionally needs a little help, but he did not fall into the trap of being metrosexual, which as a fad lasted about a week
• He's run a marathon and keeps himself in relatively good shape
  

That looks freaking great on paper...what the hell? When did that happen?

The crack den near my apartment also serves coffee

"aw, I knew that was curly top"

There's a baby shrieking at the top of his lungs. He does in fact have a curly top of blonde hair. I'm surprised that his mother is shushing him in spanish. Maybe she's an au pair.

I'm surprised that the woman behind the counter recognizes the boy at all as part of of her regular customer set. What surprises me more is that she has not gone back to take another hit of meth in the 30 seconds since she noted the boy's curly top.

She's clearly a drug addict. Shifty eyes, slurred speech, laughing hysterically and then looking grim when she notices that no one else is laughing. It's sad...no, her lot in life is not sad, what is sad is I don't want her serving me coffee. I find the idea gross, I quickly shift lines to served by a guy far too buff to be serving people coffee at te suburban wonderland that is Panera. Clearly he dedicates 12 hours a day to lifting. His drug must be of the more anabolic variety.

Who knew that Panera Bread Co. hired drug abusers to work the register during the day shift. I mean this place would be a suburban wonderland if someone bothered to snap a still photo, families, babies people reading the paper...its all very normal. Does someone imagine this post modern rockwellian subject matter will do well with drug addicts.

I took a closer look at the people chillin at Panera and my view softened slightly. Their energy and movements gave off a completely different vibe.

Panera seems to have two customer sets:

• Stressed out moms: About 60% of the patronage are of the MILF variety and 100% of that crowd seems well...let's just say ill fit for motherhood. Their children are completely out of control. screaming, repelling off their mother's bossom and spiralling towrads the floor. The women are talking/shouting at themselves. I want to hide. I want to grab their child and discuss with them them how the best thing for them is to sit in the stroller and not say anything for a long time. If they choose to stare in awe at their fingers/hand/fist that's up to them. Then i would give a bunch of pot to crazed baby's mom and see what happens when she gets a little loose. Then I drifted into a wierd fantasy...these people clearly need drugs. Instead of serving them coffee someone should be serving them ambien (including chewables for the kids)
• People waiting to die:These people probably have more drugs than they know what to do with. I think they should be part of this new panera value chain as well. I would not be surprised of these old farts were trading their meds for over priced coffee and pastries so the staff there could get off.
  

I'm now worried that everyone in hoboken is what some would classify as "drug people". This does not bode well for me...the baby is still shrieking, I am hoping that we are thirty seconds from the au pair taking out half a vicoden and shoving it in his mouth...

The Lesbian who would Love me

"You should not go to a bar just to be pensive. Bars are not good places to think"

I turned my face and our eyes met. I felt the crease between my eyes soften. She's wasn't ugly. She wasn't pretty at least not in a traditional way, but she might have been Persian and I really like sleeping with Persian women. We all have our vices.

It's true I was deep in thought. December always makes me question my life decisions. Sometimes it leads to fundamental lifestyle changes, sometimes i just cry in my beer.

Right now, I'm leading towards the latter.

She's not pretty. But we're talking because I flirt. It's how I start the day, how I press on during it and how I like to finish my day. I like her energy. I like that she has no job, that she just kicks it at a bar and is a semi bohemian. It makes me think of the chicks that Sleeve dates.

A man, who turns out to be a woman i seething at me. It's her lover. My new friend who turns out to be neither Brazilian nor Persian but in fact a Moroccan/Israeli tells me to ignore her.

G Money calls, it's time to meet him from dinner. I don't want to get beat up by what Steve Zissou would term a "bull-dike" I politely excuse myself. I'm left wondering if she is into dudes and butch women or women and really feminine men.

I'm left wondering if this is another thing that could make me over think my December.

The O.C.

Has everyone been watching The O.C. this season?



I find it quite amusing. Also, Autumn Reeser? I love you

Sound Advice in my Inbox

I got this email two days ago:

This page was sent to you by: (Jazzy Jaff)

Message from sender:
You need to get circumcised. According to NY Times, doing so will reduce your chance of contracting HIV by 50%.

HEALTH | December 14, 2006
Circumcision Halves H.I.V. Risk, U.S. Agency Finds
By DONALD G. McNEIL Jr.
Experts cautioned that circumcision is no cure-all. It only lessens the chances that a man will contract AIDS from heterosexual sex.


Thanks Jazzy, sound advice.

Tales from the Path: Projectile Sneezing

The women next to me screaming and jumping up and down tipped me off to the fact that something was amiss.

20 seconds prior to the shrieking, the fellow seated across from me and one seat over on the path sneezed. I had been focusing on him to keep from falling asleep. I had just come back from my group holiday party and a little drunk. Focusing on said fellow was easy enough. He was half asleep/dozing offt himself but still managing to twitch his nose like there was cat hair nearby and he was allergic. When he sneezed I turned away, it was not in my direction so I was generally ok. I did here a small splat so I assumed loogie...ew...what actually happened was much worse.

Looking down on the floor I saw something reddish....and looking over at the now screaming women I noticed they have the same reddish stuff all over them as well, and then, right at that moment I knew why they were shrieking...this fool HAD VOMITED ON THEM. OMG!

Now we are all huddled on one side of the path, cover our mouths and noses to avoid the acidic smell of 1/3 digested food. The man in question was slumped over, asleep after monopolizing his second shot all to himself, more specifically aiming it right for his lap.

One woman (reasonably attractive) grabs a personal package of tissues from her purse to clean herself off, good samaritan that I am, I grab one and help her. Her friend grabs one as well and hands it over to the slumped man, nudging him awake with it

"Hey, that was mine I was going to use that on this chick's chest...where are your manners" I shout in my inner monologue.

The train comes to a stop and I am running off like i had just vomitted. Above ground the sneezer comments to his friend that it was pretty obvious that no one no that train was a "fan of his"....

New Years Eve

Evil

I think Bruno should throw a party!

Top What?

Evil



This reporter's verbal goof is funny enough... but even funnier is when the other reporter gets on and makes fun of her. That guy totally reminds me of XTIAN. Cutting off at that knees, baby!!! No mercy.

Manolo’s Lady Friend Runs Away…

When I first moved to Miami back in 2002-2003, I was trying really hard to make new friends, mainly of the female variety. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to replace my dear friends from NYC (does anyone remember Vielka?) but I had to at least try. I was going out every day to a multitude of events (book readings, community service, strip clubs, the Home Depot). I eventually met a very beautiful young lady named Janet* (*name has been changed to protect the innocent) who lived in Tampa but was spending an inordinate amount of time in Miami which meant that we saw each other pretty often. She could have easily graced the pages of Victoria Secret. She was tall, slim, long dark hair, with greenish/blue eyes, with long legs that led to curves that did not quit, and exquisite breasts.

The thing is that when you have the world in your hands, you crave more. I kept telling myself why settle down with technically one of the first girls I met when it seemed Miami was ripe for the picking. One night she initiated the “talk.” I kept my emotional distance and didn’t make the commitment this girl obviously wanted. The next day, this young lady just stopped returning my calls or responding to my emails. I tried calling and in fact left messages a couple of times, all to no avail. A few months later, the cell phone and home number I had were no longer in service. A few months later, I officially took her off from my phone book.

The seasons change (actually, not that much in Miami as is always summer here) as time passes and now we fast forward to a week ago. Isn’t this whole thing too predictable? Guess who contacted me via MSN messenger. It was my dear old friend Janet who just wanted to say hello.

We of course have been talking ever since and she has updated me in her life for the past few years. You see, it seems that just a few short days after we had our talk, she met some guy and LITERALLY ran away with the CIRCUS. She spent the last three-four years traveling all over the world with CIRQUE DU SOLEIL. She has sent me pictures with her in front of all sorts of touristy places in Asia, Europe, and America. She must have seen at least 15-20 countries in the last three years.

I am happy to hear all this and I believe it makes me unique and in fact, may actually enhance my masculinity. You see, a heart broken by a man has lead a few women to completely hate/despise men and actually has turn a few into full-blown lesbians. I actually drove a woman to join the circus. How cool is that?

By the way, if anyone wants VIP tickets for their show in Las Vegas, let me know!