Manolo's Version of Party Time in Miami

A few months ago I found myself listening to a voicemail from Xtian letting me know that he was going to be in Miami at the end of April and to clear my calendar for some good times, especially the night of his cousin's double-quinceanera since it was going to be packed with her hot hot friends. I immediately called him back and left him a voicemail excited at the prospect of having my good buddy in town for a few days whilst scoring myself some
"I am also friends of the birthday girl and therefore not threatening" ass. Xtian and I never spoke in real time and a voicemail exchange went on for a few months with new developments on his part (my parents are coming, my uncle and aunt are coming, my brother killed somebody at work).

In March, I get an email from Xtian saying that his family and him need a place to stay. He had been checking hotel rates online and they are super expensive. I tell him I have a place at the beach he can use during his 2-3 day stay in Miami. I send him some pictures for his approval. I do not receive another word from him.

On April 27 (Thursday), I get a phone call and have a real time conversation with Xtian. He tells me
"I am coming to town tomorrow. I will be getting to Miami around 1:00 PM. How do I get keys to your place?"
We decided I would FEDEX my keys to him overnight since I am going to be in different locations throughout the day and that way, he doesn't have to track me down during my busy afternoon.

Around 4:30 PM the next day, I get a frantic phone call from Xtian letting me know that him and his family JUST left Orlando. They have been arguing non-stop since dinner time the night before. He tells me his family is driving him crazy and that if he drives the car into incoming traffic, my keys will be in his left pocket.

I called Xtian and no one answers. I finally get a call around 8:00 PM asking me of a nice place where he can take his mother for her birthday dinner. We go over some limited options giving the lack of a proper reservations and tell him his best bet its to go to Lincoln Road (pedestrian mall with lots and lots of restaurants) and walk around and find a place that catches their eye.

I decide to drive to the beach and perhaps meet Xtian and Bump, even if its for a drink. I get to Lincoln Road and they had just finished dinner at the first place you see when you enter Lincoln Road. They didn't even bother to walk half a block to find a decent restaurant.

After dinner, his family (parents and his uncle and aunt) decide to go to the beach (mind you, its 11:00 PM and there is nothing to see) while Xtian, Bump and I run into the Delano for a drink. 10 minutes later Xtian's cell phone rings. His family wants to go home...We part ways and make plans to meet the next day.

I don't hear anything from Xtian until 7:30 PM. He tells me that first its a private dinner and not to show up until (9:30 PM or so). I show up at 10:30 PM. We try to "hug it out" but it can't be done due to the third degree burns suffered by Xtian and the rest. There is a certain awkwardness to the whole man hug process, something obviously picked up and commented outloud by Xtian's mom...

Anyways, after a few minutes of small talk, and after finding out I just bought Bump his 12th Johnny Walker Black of the evening, Bump starts pointing to random people in the bar. "That guy there introduced himself to Xtian saying he knew him from 1993 from Rutgers. He didn't know who he was...HAHAHAHA!!!! and that girl there, Xtian asked her if she was in a competitive eating club... HAHAHAHA!!!! and this guy here, what's your name...what.....whatever....., I love this guy here."

After a little bit more of pointing and laughing, and after Bump calmed down a bit, I was properly introduced to the birthday girl, her friends aptly described by Xtian's mom in his post. I talked for a bit to Rutgers guy, as well as to competitive eating club girl. At one point, they cut the cake which kept being passed around the whole bar. It seems everyone was too sophisticated to eat cake except for a rather big girl who was passing the cake and seemed to take a bite every now and then. She immediately took a shining to Xtian and kept saying very demurely how "sticky" her hands were from the cake.

I also witnessed the rest of Bump's and his cousin's conversation.

Cousin: "[xtian] knows baby, when you roll with me you gotta take care of me"
The Bumpasaurus: "Aren't you 10 years older than me? Why am I buying you drinks?"
Cousin:"I left my wallet in NJ."
The Bumpasaurus:"How did you get on the plane with no proper ID?"
Cousin: (just shrugs) "You know what, we should go into the VIP room and get a bottle?"

(ed. note - Xtian's version of the women in their mid 30's does not change a lot from my version and has been only edited for grammar, run on sentences, and to proper clarify my role in said story).

"The Bumpasaurus and [myself] found [ourselves] hitting on [three women from Los Angeles in their mid 30's]. At one point one girl takes out [her digital camera and start showing us high quality pics of themselves topless on the beach and hotel room]. Mixed in these photos was a picture of one of the [young women] with severe bruising on her face. [The Bumpasaurus] attempted to rip the camera from her hand to show [his] mom saying something like "mom, is this latina appropriate..." while pointing and laughing at the girl in said picture. I suddenly remembered Xtian and his brother make horrible wingmen.

In Bump's defense though, they had huge breasts and only ONE looked like a man!!! The other one was definitely female and its not her fault she got mugged the night before and got punched in the eyes...and as for their other friend, its not her fault either she looked like an aneroxic Olive Oyl.

Anyways, at some point during the evening, Xtian and his parents left and I stayed behind to take care of Bump. Somehow we ended up in the VIP room where "left wallet in NJ" cousin was offering straight shots of whatever alcohol bottle was near his vicinity.

After a little bit more of drinking and dancing, and since I had to work the next day, we left the club around 3:00 AM or so. The Bump was passing out but kept shouting "I didn't have any cake" and "I am hungry." We stopped at a local pizzeria where an illegal immigrant cousin of mine works and usually hooks me up with free food. My illegal immigrant cousin, the bus boy and the cook were busy discussing their plans for the May 1 "A Day Without Immigrants" rally. They asked me what I was planning on doing. I said I had to work no matter what and the Bump kept saying the World Cup 2006 was fast approaching and he needed to get his place ready for the event.

After our late-night eating, I dropped the Bump off at the apartment where a half-asleep/half-naked Xtian opened the door for him. I really haven't heard from any of them except for a champagne bottle (which I am sure its laced with GBH) alongside my keys that came from Xtian with a note thanking me for my hospitality.