Video: Underwater Volcano Eruption

Evil

For you science buffs out there: check out this rare video of an underwater volcano eruption. And by the way, also listen to the voice-over by the researcher watching this video. He sounds like he's having an eruption of his own.

What's Mr. Met reading to Children?

I think he's reading this!

Evil, Your Social Coordinator

Evil

xtian and i are planning to go up by columbia and get some bbq on saturday. this place is supposed to be very good... i'm taking xtian's word for it. anyway, if anyone else is around this memorial day weekend (*coughlosercough*), please come join us? you can hear xtian ramble on about how he doesn't feel his life is progressing. when he gets to the part about "having to impregnate some soon," we will resolve to chug our beers.

Celebrity Sighting(s)

Evil



I was at Villard Bar last week and guess who I saw there? New York Mets third baseman, David Wright. And guess who else? Weatherman Sam Champion! And guess what? They looked like they were TOGETHER. Let's just say there was a high pressure system moving in on David Wright's tush.

Pretty Bubbles

Evil



Not only is our leader, George W. Bush, all powerful -- he is also benevolent and fun. This is a man who can literally conjure up fireballs with his bare hands and singe his enemies with a mere flick of the wrist. yet, check out how he chooses to use his magic powers. Bubbles! Big, fun bubbles. He is here to bring joy to all our lives. Rejoice, for George W. Bush is our beloved leader.

Huh?!

Check out this article.

Here's the quote I'm having trouble with...

"If you're scared, get a dog," Randolph said. "You want to get him back out there as soon as you can."

Who should get a dog? Willie? The reporter? Billy "I don't like throwing strikes because I'm a girl" Wagner? Me? Is Willie Randolph suggesting I get a dog?

Even Mr. Met doesn't seem to know

5 Days and Counting

The State of the Hose - Year 3

How we got here
Three Years! Wow! Can you imagine? What started so innocently as a journal of my time in Brazil is still going strong? I love this blog - its so core to who we are.

Every so often I get in trouble on this blog. I'm pretty sure the recent posts on Miami will not go over well with some. But I have to be true to my muse. It's too bad that my muse is my limitations as a man. It is what it is. I remember last fall when Jazzy called me in a huff because some quarters were getting on him for a relatively innocent comment in a very long post. Lets get some perspective. I'm carrying around a drunk/high med school student thru a White Castle filled with Transvetites at 3 in the morning and we're about Jazzy?!? Hello, cry for help! Someone stop me from myself!

And that's what we're about here. The life and times of some amusing, but limited people. Yeah, there is a scattershot approach here and sometimes random passerbys get smudged. But really, no one comes off worse than the lovable losers who write this stuff. I mean lets be serious, xtian and manolo in Miami...it always plays out poorly...this time we just have more guest stars...

Jon-El once pointed out to me that regardless of what I say about who, its obvious that it comes from a place of love. We take these people and tell their stories not because we judge them harshly but because we think they're so great that we feel compelled to love them in public (though anonymously). It's an interesting idea. I like it.

The Team
I have to shout Evil for carry the standard, for posting every day, for being the Jeter of the team for doing all the little things to make sure we succeed

I have to compliment Manolo for being the big bat in the middle of the line up (to go with the big bat he shoves up his ass), for seeing a stinky pile of doodoo and jumping right in.

Much love to the bumpasaurus. He's an a**hole - its core to his charm...He doesn't post enough...

Fans
It's all about the fans, The Fastidious 40. The core group that logs in all the time and have been with us from the start. The guys that send me disappointed emails about too much Evil and not enough xTian. The ones that always challenge us to be better. The ones that read our blogs just so we can read their inferior blogs. I love you all. And I love the ideas

One recent email suggested a Queer Pool, a variation on the Death Pool, where fans vote which contributor to the Hose will come out of the closet first. You can't top that...

The Next Generation
Are you guys reading this blog? It's the most bravely honest thing since the Anti Life was in full gear 2 summers ago.

You guys should check it out...

OUT

Manolo's Version of Party Time in Miami

A few months ago I found myself listening to a voicemail from Xtian letting me know that he was going to be in Miami at the end of April and to clear my calendar for some good times, especially the night of his cousin's double-quinceanera since it was going to be packed with her hot hot friends. I immediately called him back and left him a voicemail excited at the prospect of having my good buddy in town for a few days whilst scoring myself some
"I am also friends of the birthday girl and therefore not threatening" ass. Xtian and I never spoke in real time and a voicemail exchange went on for a few months with new developments on his part (my parents are coming, my uncle and aunt are coming, my brother killed somebody at work).

In March, I get an email from Xtian saying that his family and him need a place to stay. He had been checking hotel rates online and they are super expensive. I tell him I have a place at the beach he can use during his 2-3 day stay in Miami. I send him some pictures for his approval. I do not receive another word from him.

On April 27 (Thursday), I get a phone call and have a real time conversation with Xtian. He tells me
"I am coming to town tomorrow. I will be getting to Miami around 1:00 PM. How do I get keys to your place?"
We decided I would FEDEX my keys to him overnight since I am going to be in different locations throughout the day and that way, he doesn't have to track me down during my busy afternoon.

Around 4:30 PM the next day, I get a frantic phone call from Xtian letting me know that him and his family JUST left Orlando. They have been arguing non-stop since dinner time the night before. He tells me his family is driving him crazy and that if he drives the car into incoming traffic, my keys will be in his left pocket.

I called Xtian and no one answers. I finally get a call around 8:00 PM asking me of a nice place where he can take his mother for her birthday dinner. We go over some limited options giving the lack of a proper reservations and tell him his best bet its to go to Lincoln Road (pedestrian mall with lots and lots of restaurants) and walk around and find a place that catches their eye.

I decide to drive to the beach and perhaps meet Xtian and Bump, even if its for a drink. I get to Lincoln Road and they had just finished dinner at the first place you see when you enter Lincoln Road. They didn't even bother to walk half a block to find a decent restaurant.

After dinner, his family (parents and his uncle and aunt) decide to go to the beach (mind you, its 11:00 PM and there is nothing to see) while Xtian, Bump and I run into the Delano for a drink. 10 minutes later Xtian's cell phone rings. His family wants to go home...We part ways and make plans to meet the next day.

I don't hear anything from Xtian until 7:30 PM. He tells me that first its a private dinner and not to show up until (9:30 PM or so). I show up at 10:30 PM. We try to "hug it out" but it can't be done due to the third degree burns suffered by Xtian and the rest. There is a certain awkwardness to the whole man hug process, something obviously picked up and commented outloud by Xtian's mom...

Anyways, after a few minutes of small talk, and after finding out I just bought Bump his 12th Johnny Walker Black of the evening, Bump starts pointing to random people in the bar. "That guy there introduced himself to Xtian saying he knew him from 1993 from Rutgers. He didn't know who he was...HAHAHAHA!!!! and that girl there, Xtian asked her if she was in a competitive eating club... HAHAHAHA!!!! and this guy here, what's your name...what.....whatever....., I love this guy here."

After a little bit more of pointing and laughing, and after Bump calmed down a bit, I was properly introduced to the birthday girl, her friends aptly described by Xtian's mom in his post. I talked for a bit to Rutgers guy, as well as to competitive eating club girl. At one point, they cut the cake which kept being passed around the whole bar. It seems everyone was too sophisticated to eat cake except for a rather big girl who was passing the cake and seemed to take a bite every now and then. She immediately took a shining to Xtian and kept saying very demurely how "sticky" her hands were from the cake.

I also witnessed the rest of Bump's and his cousin's conversation.

Cousin: "[xtian] knows baby, when you roll with me you gotta take care of me"
The Bumpasaurus: "Aren't you 10 years older than me? Why am I buying you drinks?"
Cousin:"I left my wallet in NJ."
The Bumpasaurus:"How did you get on the plane with no proper ID?"
Cousin: (just shrugs) "You know what, we should go into the VIP room and get a bottle?"

(ed. note - Xtian's version of the women in their mid 30's does not change a lot from my version and has been only edited for grammar, run on sentences, and to proper clarify my role in said story).

"The Bumpasaurus and [myself] found [ourselves] hitting on [three women from Los Angeles in their mid 30's]. At one point one girl takes out [her digital camera and start showing us high quality pics of themselves topless on the beach and hotel room]. Mixed in these photos was a picture of one of the [young women] with severe bruising on her face. [The Bumpasaurus] attempted to rip the camera from her hand to show [his] mom saying something like "mom, is this latina appropriate..." while pointing and laughing at the girl in said picture. I suddenly remembered Xtian and his brother make horrible wingmen.

In Bump's defense though, they had huge breasts and only ONE looked like a man!!! The other one was definitely female and its not her fault she got mugged the night before and got punched in the eyes...and as for their other friend, its not her fault either she looked like an aneroxic Olive Oyl.

Anyways, at some point during the evening, Xtian and his parents left and I stayed behind to take care of Bump. Somehow we ended up in the VIP room where "left wallet in NJ" cousin was offering straight shots of whatever alcohol bottle was near his vicinity.

After a little bit more of drinking and dancing, and since I had to work the next day, we left the club around 3:00 AM or so. The Bump was passing out but kept shouting "I didn't have any cake" and "I am hungry." We stopped at a local pizzeria where an illegal immigrant cousin of mine works and usually hooks me up with free food. My illegal immigrant cousin, the bus boy and the cook were busy discussing their plans for the May 1 "A Day Without Immigrants" rally. They asked me what I was planning on doing. I said I had to work no matter what and the Bump kept saying the World Cup 2006 was fast approaching and he needed to get his place ready for the event.

After our late-night eating, I dropped the Bump off at the apartment where a half-asleep/half-naked Xtian opened the door for him. I really haven't heard from any of them except for a champagne bottle (which I am sure its laced with GBH) alongside my keys that came from Xtian with a note thanking me for my hospitality.

Blind Item: Ripped from Page 6 of The Daily Hose!

Which founding father armed with some GHB started warming up to Alma Mater at the casino?

Evil, Your Social Coordinator

Evil

The following site is not affiliated with The Hose in any way and The Hose does not receive any financial incentive from the site, but... I figure it's a worthy suggestion anyway:

If you're looking to take a vacation AND you happen to be gay (*coughmanolocough*), please consider this site.

PageRank 4, You're So Elusive

Evil

Popularity of The Hose is at an all time high, thanks to the friends who link to us: Evil Twins, IrisHasFreeTime, Bitchin' Mama, and a new friend, here.to.here.

So, why, for the love of God, can't we get to PageRank 4? Please! Aren't we worth it?

"Excuse me sir, there's no sleeping in here"

Evil

Yesterday, around 7:55pm. My inner dialogue:

ok evil, all you need to do is stretch a bit and then you can go home. stretch. go stretch. ahh, this sort of hurts but it sort of feels good. i just wanna lie down for a bit. the gym towels feel softer than usual today. maybe this is a new batch of towels. it smells nice. it feels nice just to put my head down for a bit. i wonder if anyone'll notice if i try to take a nap. oh crap, this girl is looking at me strangely. i better go.

A Decade of (Mutual Self) Destruction

This year, Evil and I are sharing our 10 year anniversary as friends.

Recently, I was forced to write a letter of recommendation about my friend. Lots of great material that sould make the a letter like this but most of the good stuff was cut out. Here are some slices that did not make the cut.


Secret Origins
10 years ago on in the back of a computer science class no one much liked or learned anything of (or stayed awake in for that matter) I noticed a mousey chinese kid throw skittles at the back for an annoying classmates head for the entire 80 minutes we sat there. When said annoyance would turn around as if he were going to do something, mousey chinese kid would barely register his annoyonace and go back to playing with the remaining skittles on his desk. This walking demonstration of social anxiety was [Evil] and from that moment I knew I would never have to fear


Ravage
On a team project, to create a computer program that could play checkers, we got goofy. At one point, we wrote a function called ravage() (after the Transformer) that would tally up the number of dead pieces on the board after any possibly move. Evil once suggested we should name it anal_ravage() and followed this thought to its logical conclusions of trying to figure out the market for transformer themed pornography.

Team Rachel
In 2002, Evil, KenTak and I joined Mr. Shoulders in the birth of Team Rachel. A strip club on the Orange Blosson Trail in Orlando Florida. We were so named because we played The International Club as a foursome, wearing Rachel's logod hats.

Biting my Style
Evil is a lazy funny person. He's funny as hell but hardly ever tries. Evil has not had an original thought since about 1997. Instead he carries a small notebook and jots down anything I say that is even remotely funny. Sometimes he can't be bothered and just echos my punchlines 1.5 seconds after i'm done

For example:
Me: Team Rachel
Him: Team Rachel (hahah)

Also, he retreads really old stuff sometimes. I first noted there was something gay going on with He-Man in 1998...VH1 stole it 3 years later for their "I Love The 80s" review. He posted something about this on the blog, 3 days ago...

You're my brother evil...try not to change...except for the thing mentioned above...

Party Time in Miami

A few weeks ago I found myself in Miami. Dual reasons. My mom wanted to go and it was her birthday and my cousin who lived down there was throwing herself a double-quinceanera.

Here are some highlights

On the drive out to miami, my mom explained to Bump and I that she would be better off if we married latinas because there would be less debate around supporting her. This is sort of funny right now, but will get very funny later...

We were all decieved by the sun. On an overcast day on the beach my family putzed around on the sand and in the water. We all got very burned. When my cousin mentioned that there were only appetizers at her rather expensive party, i quickly turned to my brother and said "let's go eat".

At the club, a fellow I met once in 1993 walked up to me and was heartbroken that I did not know who he was. My brother and one of my cousins laughed openly in his face as I struggled to remember who he was. When the fellow referenced something called "the shadow program" spittle flew out of my brother's mouth as he struggled to keep from coughing...poor guy...you seem very nice. you should not have been treated that way by my goofball relatives.

My brother bonded with some dude who was completely out of control and they proceeded to get ripped together continually shouting about how much affection they had for each other...it was odd...

My mom spent a bit of time wondering why my cousin had such unattractive friends. I am pretty sure I would have let a few passing comments go but she would not let up on this observation for about 4 days. For example after 4 hours of driving from Miami back to Orlando, we got close to home and my mom half asleep muttered
"gosh that girl was ugly"
"what girl mom?"
"your cousin's friends..."

My dad pounded quite a bit of wine. He was bored.

There are several pictures of my family, our faces are a color that resembles a tomato...

Manolo showed up at the party to say hey. Seeing Manolo is always a good time. My mom, again, in a bizarrely unfiltered moment, wondered aloud if Manolo was gay...My dad took this in pensively, all the while doing a rather solid mike francesca imitation, sipped some wine and agreed it was "possible...its VERY possible"

A cousin had the following exchange with my brother:
Cousin: "[xtian] knows baby, when you roll with me you gotta take care of me"
The Bumpasaurus: "Aren't you 10 years older than me? Why am I buynig you drinks?"

The Bumpasaurus and Manolo found themselves hitting on a couple of 40 something hags ("39" -Bumpasaurus) At one point one girl flirts with Bump and shows him camera phone pics of herself topless on the beach. Mixed in these photos was a picture of the said trollup with severe bruising on her face. My brother attempted to rip the camera from her hand to show my mom saying something like "mom, is this latina appropriate..." During the excitment, my dad looked up, took notice, and asked me if his son was hitting on a man dressed as a woman...I agreed that it was "possible...its VERY possible"

One of my cousin's friends was talking to me...it was fine...she was a princetonian and one thing that is funny about princetonites are their feelings on Eating Clubs, there is no middle ground. My roommates swear by them and think anyone who doesnt is anti-princeton, and possibly anti-american and the HUAC should be reconvened to investigate them. My cousins on the other hand, think they are [something negative] and [something unPC]. Anyway, I was interested in her views on the matter and asked her "so, were you a member of an eating club?". My brother and an old HS friend heard this, gave each other double takes and ran around giggling and telling everyone in sight that i am "still an a**hole". What I left out was that this very intelligent and completely lovely sister was a little big. I thought my question was fine but was disturbed by the sight of several people laughing hysterically. Had I not already had a severe sunburn I would have gone red with shame.

Towards the end of an evening, my very drunk brother was approached by two twins on the dance floor trying to dance. In a classic replay of that skit from the Chappelle Show, The Bump gave both girls the heisman (with one hand- nice form!) suggesting that that both girls "take it easy" as he felt they were a little below his incredibly high Florida, trailer park standards...

Shout out to the family! I miss you guys! Let's do this more often.

Shout out to Manolo, who my mother still refers to as "[xtian's] mother, [manolo]" for always being hospitable...

this is disturbing

Do any of y'all get fuse? It's like a low rent version of MTV from the mid 80s. They have really uninteresting VJs, although one of them is sorta hot...about as hot as your average 23 year old in Miami...

Anyway, this one show they have is called The Pants Off Dance Off and basically viewers send in videos of them stripping to music...the ratio of hot chicks to out of control fat/ugly guys is about 1:4...so...you know...handle with care....

He Has Fabulous Powers

Evil

Look at He-Man and Skeletor play-fighting. Aren't they cute? I bet He-Man will let Skeletor get hold of the sword first, but then He-Man will tickle Skeletor til he lets go.

For nostalgia's sake, watch these two short He-Man videos. You know you want to!

Nicknames

Evil

Albert Pujols of the St. Louis Cardinals is probably the best player in baseball right now. He might even break the single season home run record this year. And there's not doubt, he has one of the worst nicknames of all time: Prince Albert. (Warning: Link not safe for work!)

Sticky Fingers

We have Friday morning breakfast at my office every week. Although this was originally marketed as a "team-building" activity, I think it's really a quest for free food in disguise. Everyone rotates in bringing breakfast to this filing cabinet near my desk and we are all supposed to gather around, eat donuts, and socialize. But really what happens is that people wait until there is no one there, so they can hoard as much breakfast as possible and walk away guilt-free.

Anyway, last week's breakfast was Dim Sum from Chinatown. Today, someone brought peanut butter and bread from Peanut Butter & Co.

Check out all the flavors!

I got this coupon for buy one get one free, and they are having a Game Night on Jun 7 from 6 - 9 PM where you can eat sandwiches and play Candy Land, Chutes & Ladders, Sorry, Yahtzee, Uno, Parcheesi...

So who wants to come with me?

Mystery Solved, #2

Evil



Another mystery solved! Above photo: proof that XTIAN and Manolo's long-rumored love child is actually a reality.

Mystery Solved

Evil



This is a picture of my sister, circa 1975. Proof positive that she's an alien! Look at that giant forehead!

My Childhood

Evil

Sort of random, but I thought about 2 things that remind me of my childhood.

1. The "Give a hoot, don't pollute!" (isn't that cute?!) TV commercials.

2. The jingle from the Mount Airy Lodge commercials. C'mon, sing it with me... "All you have to bring, is your love of ev'ry thing."

Also, 2 things that remind me of childhood as it directly relates to my dad:

1. Being yelled at because I kept needing to get new glasses... because my eyes always got progressively worse... probably because I watched so much freakin TV.

2. Being yelled at because I hated taking showers and was mostly a smelly, icky kid.

Question About English Use

Evil

Why do people in the service industry talk like this:

- Example 1: "I do apologize that you haven't received your package yet." (call center rep)

- Example 2: "Please do take a moment to review the emergency evacuation procedures in the seat back pocket." (flight attendant)

Why the extra "do"? That's so annoying and unneeded.