Sad and Upset

Evil

Reading about the hurricane aftermath down south has really gotten me down. It's a sad situation. I was IMing with Manolo (who lives in Miami) earlier today and man, I gotta say, that dude really upset me. I asked him if he was OK after the hurricane and he said yes. But then he proceeded to show me all the pictures he took of trees falling on his neighbor's car and power lines falling on his neighbor's house. Instead of helping in the relief efforts, it turns out that Manolo was skipping about his neighborhood snapping digital pics of all the wreckage. After a day or two of that, he got bored and decided on another form of entertainment: going to the supermarket to "score some hurricane sex." Some poor girl from out of town and stranded in Miami actually fell victim to Manolo's predatory ways. This is all an unfortunately situation and I'm not sure what to make of it, except to cry and drink by myself.

Great New Summer Reading

Have not read it yet, but its a TODO:

The best BBE Novels EVER! A cross over with our BR(H)OS at Ordinal Rule

(1) American Psycho
(2) Less Than Zero
(3) The Rules of Attraction
(4) The Informers

with Glamorama falling somewhere between reading a daily metro and poking one's eye's out.

Have not read Lunar Park yet.

A Marvel Comics Summer Cross Over!!!!

I was hanging out with Evil Twin 2 and her infamous BF the other night.

That should give you pause because ET2 never calls me and never wants to hang out with me. I think its because when i first met her in 1996 I was a bit drunk and walked over to Manolo (all of 2 ft away) and loudly proclaimed that ET2 had the hottest feet out! But I digress.

What should really give you pause is that we were going to Scores West Side!

Write your own caption!

It's Bad To Be Me

Evil

On the subway this morning, I was looking right up this woman's skirt. (She was sitting across from me, but not sitting like a proper lady should.) But all I saw were her gigantic cottage cheese thighs, which blocked out everything in her crotch region.

The Epilogue: SLC Punk- One Last Wedding in July!

After safely dispatching my family I realize it's my turn to travel! I have to go to SLC for one more wedding!

I departed friday from JFK on JetBlue for my co-worker's wedding. I love her, she's great and her fiancee also rocks quite hard. My entire team is going it should be fun.

When I get off the plane I race down to the after party for Friday's events. A couple of people I know are around. We're having a great time. Seven dudes end up in a hotel room and people start quoting The Tipping Point and then someone mixes up the concepts in that book with the ones in Unleasing the Idea Virus and suddenly we're having a good time making fun of Jay and calling him the sneezer...

The pop-economic geekery is only momentarily slowed by the occasional overwhelming wif of the gayness of 7 dudes who showed up stag to a wedding. I go back to my hotel room and pass out, because its still July and I still have not slept.

At the wedding the next day some fellow walks up to me and starts TOUCHING MY SHIRT. I don't know this guy and I don't really want to get to know him to the point where it's ok for him to TOUCH MY SHIRT. I ask him what's up

"I just have the same shirt"

"So you know how it feels then..."

"Ted Baker, yeah...i like the shirt. I'm surprised someone else would wear it is all"

"do we know each other?"

"we met last night. I'm surprised that shirt fits well"

I don't know this guy from anyone why is he judging how my shirt fits and more importanly, why is he TOUCHING MY SHIRT

"I usually tailor"

"Really I buy straight off the rack, I have that sort of build"

He drifts off. to rejoin his attractive wife. Who most certainly will one day join the ranks of Terry McMillan and Star Jones as the only women in America who did realize their husbands were gay before it was too late. Pina, who is standing next to me points out that our fem friend is in fact built like pee-wee herman and wonders where he buys shirts for his light weight build. I choose to move on and focus on other things- simosas, mango juice, more simosas...

Around 5pm, I find a client and we start drinking. The client is at the wedding its ok. I work hard to bond with a 68 year old man from the midwest. I ALMOST succeed but its hard to tell. I'm doing well overall.

We all sit down at the table and the party begins. Several speeches are made and some performance pieces go off without a hitch, a bollywood rendition of the couple's courtship is a highlight. An offkey, strained rendition of Oasis' Wonderwall ends the evening on a questionable low note. I have no idea what to do.

My mentor's son turns and asks aloud if its an indian custom to make the guests as hungry as humanly possible. I am snickering...loudly.

They all (my coworkers)take the client to go get steaks so he does not loose face. I am left with the gay shirt toucher and his poor unsuspecting wife, who I suspect could benefit from a proper f*cking...He spends the bulk of dinner regaling me with stories of ironing in hotel rooms. There are moments where I want to cry openly

I run out of gas later than i expect and find my way to my hotel room around 2am.

I wake up and make several calls including one to a girl I think i'm dating, but given my schedule in the month of july and her constant travel schedule, I'd hazard a guess that maybe I'm not. Its hard to say.

I get back to NY on a red eye monday morning and fall asleep watching the most recent episode of Entourage several times.

Little if anything is accomplished at work that week as August rings in.

The x(Tian) Clan: The Return Part 5: F*ck yo' white Linen Pants, xTian!

My brother resurfaces on friday but not physically. My true brother, Sparkes, is in town with the wife and I have to go see him. My brother in blood (but nothing else apparently) is MIA, so I replace him with the hottest redhead I can find and go to a rooftop BBQ

Saturday, I arrive at my aunt's house to go down to South Jersey for the second family wedding in 7 days. My uncle JV is getting hitched (or re-hitched or whatever)...

I arrive at 11am in the hopes we can be on the road by noon. No such luck.

Around 1230 we're eating breakfast
Around 130 we're all staring at each other blankly
Around 230, Monkey Boy three decideds to take a shower.

We pull out of the house around quarter to 4. No one discusses the fact that the wedding was at 2pm and we have a 2 hour drive to go.

I'm wearing white linen pants...this becomes relevant later.

When we arrive people are having a good ol time.

Things are great...

I am not drinking but everyone else is...

Around 8pm, people start getting tossed int he pool, fully clothed.

I shove The Bump in

Domingo shoves me in


Several people shove Domingo in

There are now 8 males in the pool. I'm the only one wearing white linen pants. Everyone else is wearing khakis...

We all get out and are shivering. Several people are complaining about their cell phones getting soaked. These are also the people who started this nonesense.

I wrap myself in a towel and shiver for several hours...

Some wierd kid is walking around iwth a sling shot and several water ballons. Like an adult I confiscate them. My brother notices that our new step cousin is trying to flirt with our cousin. His response is instictual.

he grabs the three water ballons out of my hand and in rapid succession hit the boy in the face with ballons that fail to pop but must sting like nobody's business.

He makes idle threats like he's going to do something. Except he remembered that my brother is sort of dangerous and backs away...

On the drive back, i'm still soaking wet and fight any inclination to turn on the air conditioner. We goof on our little cousin about the step cousin with the crush till she threatens to get out and walk...hahahah....we all share a laugh

At 2am we're playing dominos and eating again. Because sleep is not an option for xTian in the month of July. Domingo falls asleep beating me and my brother five straight hands of dominos.

We all pass out around 430am...

The next day is full of complaints about soaked cell phones. I bid the Bump adieu and go find my bed...

It's Bad To Be Me

Evil

I think I'm coming down with an ulcer.

The x(Tian) Clan: The Return Part 4: The Jersey Shore invades NYC

My parents stayed for a few more days and undermined my confidence as much as time would allow. I try not to cry as best I could. Things are miserable


Thursday comes along and my parents are long gone. But its my brother's birthday and he decides to resurface from where ever he was hiding. I ask him where he would like to eat to celebrate his birthday. He answers that we have to go to Sciortino's a legacy from his whimsical youth.

So I treck down to Perth Amboy and then head over to my cousin Maria and then we're all just kicking it and its a grand old time. And we're eating Pizza and we're watching Entourage and gosh this is old school!

Around 11, I remember I'm so exhausted I want to cry and I go to the train station

The ride back to the city is interesting. The pungent smell of heineken mixed with camel cigarrettes permeates the train car.

I am soon surrounded by more tanorexic white chicks from the jersey shore than I can shake a stick at and they're out of control. Dancing and singing and WOOOing like its an episode of Girls Gone Wild!.

One of them asks me to take photographs of them in broken spanish. I comply and pretend I don't speak english. I wonder who they think the mexican in the tailored shirts is exactly?

I get a nip slip in one of the shots.

They are all going to Webster Hall...exactly...

My friend Christian calls me and asks if i'm in a dance club. I say:

"No, NJ Transit train heading to NYC"

The girl who tried to communicate with me in spanish gives me half a look, wondering why I did not respond to her in english when she spoke to me. I stare at her blankly.

My eyes start tearing from exhaustion

The x(Tian) Clan: The Return Part 3: Wedding Day nausea

Its ten am when we wake up to the friendly greetings a household full of people my brother and I managed to traumatize at 5am.

We don't know what to do other than eat again and book it back to the City.

Later, we hook up with my cousin, Dr Jay and try to work on my speech. As a best man, i am failing on all dimensions.

We come up with tons of offensive stories about boobie and his future wife, we end up with nothing usuable.

We all want to cry. or laugh

I mostly just want to throw up from the hangover. Something my uncles are all already doing...

The wedding goes off without a hitch. People laugh.

My speech was sweet and appreciated by all uncles and aunts

My mother pointed out that one could compute the bride's age based on the information I provided in my speech. My dad was disappointed because its him and its me. So that's just how it goes.

I go upstairs and throw up over the side of the boat hoping the hang over will subside.

The x(Tian) Clan: The Return Part 2 : Hot Wet Bitches

The day my brother arrives, I am working from home with someone I spend far too much time with.

My brother walks in declaring Fantastic Four on the top of the agneda. Never mind that there is a rehearsel dinner that night. Never mind that we are hitting a strip club, never mind there is a wedding tomorrow. We gotta watch fantastic four.

The three of us nearly cry its so terrible.

Later, me and Baby bump stop at a hot dog stand in tribeca and wait for Uncle Boobie. Who is picking out flowers with his soon to be wife. We show up several hours late to the actual church rehearsal.

My brother nearly fights with the priest> I'm not sure if its because he can't tell him how to find the bathroom or because he tells the lil big head to stop complaining.

The more things change...

At the rehearsal dinner (which is outdoors) we eat more grilled meat than we know what to do with. The in-laws judge us for our eating habits. The Bumpasaurus makes it a point to suck the marrows out of every bone on his plate.

Domingo steps up, after downing half a bottle of rum, and calls me a punk. Domingo and I have had a special bond ever since he beat the shit of me with a bucket of baseballs in 1987. He is the arbitrar of tough love. He's tough on me and I love him for it. His logic was once again sound

"xTian, How can you as the best man be asleep at the wheel. Where are the strippers?"

Uncle Boobie's future father in law looks up from his steak with an arched eye brow. We pointedly act like he's not there, because his punk ass is irrelevant to this conversation.

"Fine lets go"

"Yes, we're all too drunk to drive. The bumpasaurus should drive"

"Agreed. he's drunk but young"

me, the bumpasaurus, domingo and frank the tank (boobie's brother) grab boobie and drag towards an unsuspecting SUV.

We spend the next several hours in a strip club. No one can find Boobie anywehre but someone hands domingo an out of control bill. Lord knows what he was up to. Domingo can barely stand and Frank (the Tank) can't stop laughing.

The Bumpasaurus can't stop laughing either. Only it's because I managed to spill a red bull all over myself and I am shining green.

As we wlak out of the strip club. A russian fellow pulls up to the club and loads all his russian white slaves (sorry I mean strippers) into his beat up Winebego. My uncles have a good laugh at how these woman are paying off their illegal immigrant status in NJ.

We deposit my uncles (boobie and Frank the Tank at Boobie's house) and depart with the cooler of beer and all the meat we could find.

We head over to Domingo's house. We got beer. We got meat we get down to it. At four am we're making Quesedillas, eating burgers, getting the drink on. Domingo is like "[Bump] this is the first time you're in my house. Let me show you around"

Bang, walk into the room my grandparents are in. Turn on the lights

Grandparents:"the hell?"

Domingo:"here are your grandparents!"

Bump:"right"

We go upstairs

Domingo:"this is my daughter's room" (flick the lights on)

Domingo's daughter: "are you guys a$$holes"

Me and Bumpasaurus: "HAHAHAHAHAHA" (in unison)

Bump: "where are my parents?"

Domingo (leading us into another room): "here" (Flick on the lights)

Domingo: "I need to find you guys the air mattress and you fuckers are going to sleep o nthem too. I spent all day in Wal Mart getting you air mattresses"


We walk into his bedroom. The lights come on

My Aunt: Godddamn you domingo what are you doing?

Domingo: Shhh...people are sleeping...

My mother walks in form some other room half groggy.

Mommy: "what are you idiots doing, laughing and following him around"

There is no good answer.

Domingo decides that his son is on the air mattress reserved for the Bump, and starts dragging him off by the leg. Monkey Boy Three is shrieking. Me and Bump continue to laugh like the monkey boys we are.

Later as we're filling up the air mattresses we have to endure Domingo diving head first into the mattresses and making the air pump fly across the room and onto an unsuspecting wall (several times) It's 530 by the time we're done.

...How are we going to get to this wedding at all?

The x(tian) Clan: The Return Part 1: Don't Rock the Boat!

Vanglorious!

It's been a big month for the blood of xTian. My dad's niece (yes, my cousin) had a daughter! My Mom's two baby brothers (my uncles) got married. Good Job and many more to all of them I say!

Of course all this hoopla needed to be frist hand by the 'rents and after much plodding and a ton frustrating disorganized logistical planning I was driving my cousin Paco's van to pick them up.

En route I thought it wise to ring my mom on the mobile and leave her a message letting her know to call me when she got off the plane...of course she picks up

mami, you cant pick up the phone while the plane is flying
mami: we're not flying
me: why not?
mami: I forgot your grandmother's ID and I dont want to talk about it (click)

the woman hung up on me! the hell!
I called my aunt, who was like "I know, she threw your father and [grandfather] on the plane by themselves and now she is waiting in Orlando with [your grandmother].

I sit in the airport with my grandfather and father and wonder what to do with them. We go on a death march and find some chinese food. It looks like my grandfather is bored. I have no idea what to do.

My little cousin calls me to inform me that the plane is on time
My brother calls me and informs me that the plane is delayed.

I can't trust either of these boobs to be right, so I call my aunt and ask her to check.

The outcome is even more disturbing. There are several possible flights they could have gotten on none have left the ground but all have pulled away from the gate. I am standing at Laguardia but its possible that my mother and grandmother could either be going to JFK or Newark.

Crying is something I consider doing. However, my grandfather don't need me crying. Should I cry he might have to beat me to a pulp. Getting the sh*t kicked out of me by a 95 year old man would be too much to bear.

Several hours later I track down my mother and grandmother who pleasantly get off the plane as if nothing is wrong.

I suggest my mother is a clown and she does not speak to me the whole ride to NJ.

It's going to be an interesting visit.