Dear Razor

Why is it that when we travel you become such a pain in the ass? At home you are a great little razor. You perform the same every morning. Not the best shave, but respectable - and bloodless. Sometimes I get careless, but that is on me.

But when we are in a hotel, you start acting like a total douche. You always cut me. You make my neck look like a prop from a horror movie. What the hell? I use the same shaving cream. I shave at the same angle. I wake up at the same time. What's your problem?

And please don't try blaming this on the water, dear razor. That would be weak.

Don't screw with me tomorrow. I have an early meeting. I won't have an extra 20 minutes to hold a towel to my face. Screw with me, and I'll crush you, dear razor.

The Hose Hates Manolo

Recently, Manolo in a brazen act of aggression, declared on facebook that he is starting a blog to discuss depression and suicide (or possibly Miami real estate, wait is that the same thing?)

Way to act like Iran, d*ckwad...

Me Outtie

Evil

Doesn't this little kitty look terrified? This pic cracks me up. I took it in Hongcun village, best known for having some scenes from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon shot in it.

Anyway, I'm off on a weeklong trip starting tomorrow. Not sure what the Internet connection situation will be, so I might or might not be on the Hose in the next 8 days. Evil, OUT!

Toughen Up, America!

Evil

I generally refrain from making overtly political comments on The Hose, much more preferring lighter topics, such as feeling sorry for myself and making fun of KillerB (the material is so rich in both areas!). But one political thing that gets me riled up is the leftist/liberal depiction of torture. I was watching Chris Matthews one time and he railed against the CIA's interrogation techniques. "Look at what they do to our enemies. Belly slapping. BELLY SLAPPING!" He was genuinely outraged that law enforcement officials would slap the belly of an enemy combatant.

Anyway, that is a long way to say that things we wouldn't do our our enemies, the Chinese apparently do to themselves... to celebrate! Great article on China's preparation to celebrate their National Day (which is like July 4th for us, but instead of celebrating freedom, it's the opposite) here. Included in the preparation training are:

They have trained to stand motionless for a solid hour, to refrain from swaying during the second hour and not to collapse after three hours, reported Xinhua, the state-run news agency.

They have been schooled in shouting phrases in perfect unison: "Serve the people!" and "Hello, senior leader!" They are also expected not to blink for 40 seconds at a time.

F, Marry, Kill

Evil

For you Mad Men watchers out there:

F, Marry, Kill: Joanie (head of the secretarial pool), Peggy (copy writer), Betty Draper.

Of for the ladies...

F, Marry, Kill: Pete Campbell (accounts douchbag), Kinsey (beatnick douchebag), Roger Sterling.

Mad Men Season 3 Episode 7: Seven Twenty Three

The episode starts with 3 completely out of context shots. Peggy passed out in a hotel bed. Don on the floor of a much dingier hotel room and finally Betty lazily lounging on a huge chaise lounge chair.
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Don does what he does best; seduce men to trust everything he says implicitly without any proper reason. Connie Hilton acknowledges this is what is going on by using a metaphor where Don is a dalliance he is having while cheating on his main advertising firm. At some point, the whole thing looks like it will take a turn for the Brokeback, but then stops short. Connie seems more into boxing in Don than anything else - strange.

Don’s heart is not in his current work. So much so that he lazily comes on to Hot4Teacher and then acts dumb when he is denied. Get it together Don, at the very least lose the sunglasses; it will help highlight your deep penetrating gaze.

The victory with Hilton is short lived as the Bryce, Roger and Bert demand he sign an exclusive contract. Don, feeling the caged bird just won’t sing, wants no part of this.

Peggy, meanwhile, is still being wooed by Duck in more ways than one. She plays up to her boss a bit to see what that will get her. Don has no use for tests and tells her to grow up. In a huff, she meets Duck and orders a whiskey which leads Duck to make some comments about Don that are disturbing in retrospect. Soon, Duck quite verbally explains what he wants to do to her. Later in bed, as he woods up in reaction to the whiskey on her breadth, I realize that he is seducing her to get back at Don somehow and really he would rather be f*cking Don, but not in a pleasant way. Peggy at least, sees freedom in this relationship. No longer daddy’s little girl, she can forge her own path at Grey and bang the boss – finally maybe taking Joan’s advice. The bird sees an opening in her cage and is debating tasting freedom...

Betty redecorates the house, hoping Don will notice her. When that doesn’t work, she joins the Junior League hoping everyone will be jealous of her perfect life which she hates. They sort of do. She later tries to further make these old biddies sit on it by seducing the guy from the country club into helping her with some stupid Westchester cause. He is about as insistent as one can be about giving a married woman the high hard one in 1963 but Betty is not ready for full on action. She just wants the whiff of danger, because she’s twelve. He mentions she should buy that huge chaise lounge. In her mind this is the same as cheating so she has it delivered to her house and then feels herself up on it in the summer heat. A bird, realizing she is in a cage and trying to make the most of it?

Don boxed in at work and later (after a phone call from Roger to Betty) at home, does what he does best - he makes a run for it. He picks up some hippies, takes a Quaalude and gets rolled in a hotel room. This is just getting sad! But not before he has a vision where his dad goof on his grifter ways and his shiftless profession. This is the scene where Don runs. Right?

Wrong, Bert shines up his devil horns and reminds Don a few things. First, he reminds Don that he and Roger made him. Second, Bert points out that he knows enough to unmake him (or the Draper façade anyway). Draper relents and sizes himself up for his cage. He won’t accept Roger as a playmate any longer though. Finally, we see Bertram’s teeth. I like it, you might has well have blacked out the white of his eyes. Neat ending.

Mad Men Season 3 Episode 6: A Guy Walks Into an Advertising Agency...

...and gets his foot hacked to pieces!!! BWAH!

The Brits are back! They are stopping by just to remind us just how disposable everyone is!

In other news, Connie also shows up to remind Don just how indispensable he is.
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Roger and Bert encourage Don. Telling him that the home office is very interested in his work and possibly suggesting more responsibilities in London. Bert also insists that Roger and Don play nice at a male salon. This is Sparks/xTian circa 1998 btw - suits and shaves. Except we didn't hate each other. Much unlike these two.

All this manual stimulation is for naught though. There is no promotion for Don at all. In fact the Brits have reorg in mind. They show up with a fancy new account man, a promotion for Rich Somer, more freedom for Don and a complete lack of Roger anywhere. Don is on some level delighted. Pryce also gets a one way ticket to Delhi and a stuffed serpent (symbolism much?) He takes takes it about as well as anyone would in 1963, which is not well at all. So Roger and Pryce are promptly shoved out a window in broad daylight. Its all very Cesare Borgia of them...

This of course does not stand.Smitty randomly takes a john deer lawn mower Ken received as a gift for a ride in the office and somehow the shiny new brit practically loses a foot! Holy crap. Is Smitty in the Armenian mob? That’s an Armenian mob move. Roger might be the lord of the Armenian mob because he finds the whole thing hysterical.

While the Armenian mob hit is in play, Don is off hanging out with his new bestie Conrad Hilton. Hilton (hearts) Don – such a man, so decisive but he clearly needs to break him, like one would a bucking bronco. Don is hip to this game and plays hard to get. Suddenly, it sinks in that everything Don does is a seduction. He is actively trying to seduce Connie. Connie looks like John Waters btw. I don’t know if Connie is being seduced or just playing along because he wants Don for his mind.

Lost in all the blood is that its Joan’s last day at SterlingCooper. Of course, this would be the case. Remember everyone is totally disposable. It is really too bad for her that Date-Rape Surgeon sucks at the second part and doesn’t have a job, so she needs to keep one even though she just quit. Joan is my favorite woman on the show. Why can’t she catch a break? The storyline we never explored but I really wish we had is the Don/Joan dynamic. We get a hint of in the hospital as a foot is getting reattached. I view these two as equals on the show, much more so than Betty who is basically a child. I suspect from their interaction that Don agrees. Why don’t I know their history? Clearly not the last of Joan, I wonder where she will show up again?

Just to confirm to everyone why we are here – Don hears from the Brits that the shiny new exec is done. He has in fact gotten the “boot” (bad dum pum). Pryce gets a stay of execution and Roger lives another day. I bet Connie’s offer is looking more and more attractive to a suddenly concerned Don.

The one place where Don is not disposable is at home, where he is subtly growing into a serviceable father. Betty remains an infuriating mediocre mother, but I just can't deal with her self involvement this week. It's clear that on some level he is trying to create his own Peggy/Joan in Sally. I can't wait to see where that goes.

Good Sport Of The Week Award...

... goes to: this baby's momma's vagina. It popped out a 19.2 pound bundle. WOW!

Unsolicited Presidential Advice

Evil

The President is everywhere! Last week, he went on 5 Sunday Morning talk shows. Then he showed up on Letterman.

Then he went to the United Nations, where laid the verbal smackdown on crazy people who use the UN as a forum to complain and generally go nuts.

Then he was in all night strategy sessions to decide to call Iran out on their nuclear program.

Then he went to Pittsburgh (PITTSBURGH!) for the G20 summit.

Now I read that the prez is going to Denmark next week to personally pitch the Chicago 2012 Olympic bid? I think this is one you could delegate, dude. Come On, People! Send Dr. Cosby!

Also, you look a little stressed out. Maybe call Walt "Clyde" Frazier and him for a free sample of Just For Men.

Lastly, great work on finally tracking down America's Enemy #1, Roman Polanski. Now maybe you can get the CIA to focus a little on Osama bin Laden. Or maybe not. There's that long-standing rumor that Elvis is still alive. We need to get to the bottom of that one!!!

Look Who Else Is High-Flying...

Evil

Things that Michael Vick and KillerB have in common:

- Both are big bullies

- Both are threats to society

- Both are high-flying

Cooking With KillerB - Top Chef Edition

If you are a Top Chef watcher, 2 weeks ago you would have seen Bryan, the better of the 2 brothers, win the Elimination Challenge in the desert with a Grilled Pork, Dandelion Greens and Rutabaga dish.

Catjjy spent the balance of the week begging Sparks to make this for her, and he refused. He was all, like, "uh uh". Enter KillerB.

A couple of notes: I think Dandelion greens are stupid (and hard to find), so I didn't cook them. Instead I made an heirloom tomato salad. I have no clue how to cook Rutabaga, but it looks like a potato, so I treated it accordingly.

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Cooking With Killer B - Preview

Tomorrow night I will be posting a special Cooking with Killer B on Demand post. Catjjy has requested some Top Chef dishes, so tomorrow night Killer B2 and I will be eating Byran's roasted pork loin on a bed of corn polenta with glazed Rutabega. I'm not going to bother looking for Dandelion Greens because I think that sounds gross.

This was from the recent campfire episode, which is appropriate, because cooking in our tiny NYC kitchen offers all of the convenience and ease of a campfire.

computer woes

I brought my computer to the repair shop today. some sketchy Chinese
place. I'm not sure what will come of it. just gonna cross my fingers
and hope for the best.

it'll likely be a few days before I can get back on the hose to read
posts and comments. I only have my iPhone now so the best I can do us
post because I post via the email2blogger interface.

if you are so kind, say a prayer for my pooter.

Mixed Feelings About Hating Betty Draper

(caveat: I'm writing this just as I've finished watching season 2 of
mad men but have not yet started watching season 3.)

I find myself hating Betty draper with a passion. my mixed feeling is
not at all about whether I hate her or not. there's no debate to that
end. my mixed feeling is about my guilt for hating her.

by most accounts, it should be don draper who is at fault. him with
his numerous affairs - the artist girl, the Jewish department store
lady, the comedian's wife, the 20 year old he met in California. but
after that dinner party where Betty draper served heinekin and
everyone left and she went up to don and said "you embarrassed me."
the way she said it multiple times and the steely way in which she
said it made me so mad!!!!! how dare she talk to don like that?

doesn't she realize that everything she has is because of don? as if,
without him, she could go riding at the stables all the time and ogle
some tall awkward guy who can't ride. ugh!

intellectually I get the sense that it's wrong to hate Betty draper
and it's wrong to give don draper a free ride. but that's how I feel!

sad

my laptop died last night. I've been awake for three hours but haven't
gotten out of bed. I think I am depressed. sending this from my
iPhone.

I'm Glad I Don't Feel Like This Guy

Evil

Well well well, New England. You had a pretty good run there with the Pats, Red Sox, and Celtics. But your reign is officially OVER! Thank goodness, too. You're such insufferable winners.

Real Time Tweeting from the Pat at NY Jets Game

I did some real time tweeting from the Jet's game last Sunday. Here are the scintillating results. Remember you can always follow me on twitter at xtiantweets

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# The view from our seats http://twitpic.com/ihtmg
3:53 PM Sep 20th from Echofon

# The good news for Brady is that being mr. Gisele bundchen is a full time job.
3:45 PM Sep 20th from Echofon

# On the train home from giants stadiums, Jet fan hopefullness us palpable.
3:44 PM Sep 20th from Echofon

# Sanchez played ok, not even good. Brady played scared. Secondary locked down receivers
3:42 PM Sep 20th from Echofon

# Pats in hurry up, no offense from jets. Tired jets defense
1:33 PM Sep 20th from Echofon

# We need to stop babying sanchez and get vertical. We also need to run more. I also need a 7th beer
1:30 PM Sep 20th from Echofon

# Most random jeresey sighting? Kyle Clifton #59 or a mid 80s Wesley walker jersey.
1:29 PM Sep 20th from Echofon

# RT @sportsguy33: No Welker for Pats today. I don't think I could be more afraid of this game if it was standing in my doorway holding an ax.
11:28 AM Sep 20th from Echofon

# Guys are talking doctor smack. Psychiatry vs. Surgery. Dr. Orgy as arbitor
10:36 AM Sep 20th from Echofon

# Tailgating...or trying. http://twitpic.com/igd7q
10:20 AM Sep 20th from Echofon

# Moment of hubris to offset my cautious optimism. I am calling @jayadya out. If pats win, next happy hour drinks are on me
9:18 AM Sep 20th from Echofon

# Guy on njtransit train wearing a green color Boston red sox t-shirt. Good strategy to avoid getting a beer poured on you at meadowlands.
9:14 AM Sep 20th from Echofon

# Train sighting of a twenty five year old gastinaeu jersey http://twitpic.com/ig54e
9:08 AM Sep 20th from Echofon

# That's a recipe for a huge letdown on the nyjets side. Those guys still have mr. Budchen, moss and belicheck over there.
9:07 AM Sep 20th from Echofon

# On the train heading to jets/pats game. Huge expectations for jets off a strong showing and some big flaws the pats showed against buffalo.
9:05 AM Sep 20th from Echofon

Has The NYT Been Reading The Hose?!

Evil

From this article:

"Former U.S. vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin, criticized for her lack of foreign policy experience, emerged in Asia on Wednesday to share her views from ''Main Street U.S.A'' with a group of high-flying global investors."

Cooking With Killer B - Crab Cake Edition

Back by popular demand (did you notice the near uprising in the comments section today?), it's the latest installment of Cooking With Killer B.

Do you ever find yourself with a pound of lump crab meat and no plan on what to do with it? Me too!!! But don't worry, Killer B is here to help you. Help you make delicious food that is!!!!!

Get your drool on after the jump...
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What We're Sayin, I'm Just Sayin