Irrational Disdain

Evil

Are there qualities in other that you disdain? However irrational it may be?

I hate lispers. Even thinking about lispers makes me mad. That is wrong, I know. I can't help it. I'm sure I have more like this. Will post as I think of them. Share yours!

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Revision note: original post used "distain" instead of "disdain." This would not happen to me if I were not a child of immigrants! Thanks to Evil Twin #1 for correcting me.

The People Have Spoken

Thank you, voters!

How exciting! I'm not alone! You all think that Evil is simultaneously putting on d-bag airs and very gay.

It's like y'all know him as well as I do!

Hey. New Guy Here.

The ink is dry. The deal is done. I couldn't be happier.

My previous blogging experience was a real burnout, but after meeting with Evil, xTian and Mamacita last night over a few bottles of wine I realized this would be totally different. I'm really jazzed to join The Hose. They've made a great decision, and have a great font.

When I was in 3rd grade a new kid, Jason Something, joined our school. His novelty (Canadian) wore off quickly, and eventually we made fun of him just like the other dorks. I hope this doesn't turn out like that.

The Hose Family grows by 1

Evil, Manolo, The Mamacita, ET #1 and #2 and the rest of the Hose family would like to take a moment away from our intense negotiations to congratulate Balls and Mrs Balls Mahoney on the addition of Baby Balls to their family. Don't worry baby, we'll protect you from your crazy uncle, Mass-Hole.

Major Announcement Forthcoming

Evil and I are locked in a room right now with a major new talent, trying to ink him to a multi-post deal...the federal reserve has just entered the room and is pressing us to get a deal done before the opening bell on Monday.

(Wow, these guys are suddenly interfering in everything...gotta fight off that recession.)

After we get this deal done, we're going after this girl. Check out what she says starting at the 6 minute mark. WHAT A PERFORMER!

Interesting (or not)

A few weeks ago, I noticed Evil went to drinks with a TA we shared. I thought nothing of it. It took me a while to remember the TA and once I did, I remembered that I thought he we was a self hating Latino.

Later, I noticed that Evil started an email correspondence with with another Latino from our University days, a guy I sort of liked. In fact I did not cut him off for quite some time. I remember exactly when I did though. Kentak3 and I went to dinner with him and about 1/3 of the way through, no one had anything to say. My brother, not comfortable with silence, pulled out a deck of cards and shuffled...for what felt like an eternity, but was at most an hour. Kentak3 and I agreed this was not a good use of our time and stopped meeting up with this cat for dinner.

This week, Evil got all these people in an email chain along with me and another fellow, who's claim to fame was sitting in a computer lab eating bags of chips till he fell asleep at a terminal.

It seems Evil is trying to get together a crew of CS people we went to college with. The question is, why? What is his game? I don't think he's spoken to any of these people since University. I once bore witness to Evil assuming the persona of a wrestler the Hurricane and infuriating a former coworker who he had not spoken to in several years. What drama is he hoping to create?

I have a theory. I think for possibly the first time in his life, my brother is comfortable in his own skin. It's true and I'm happy for him. The question that remains is - what are the implications? What am I being invited along to bear witness to? Maybe I'm just a prop? Here's the worst case scenario, as near as I can figure it:

Evil shows up to dinner, at say Kobe Club, in a Ferragamo tie and his transition lens and rubbing his success in everyone's face.

"Oh, you're still programming? Why hasn't someone like xtian figured out how to outsource you to India yet?" He will ask while staring at his well manicured nails.

I shudder at the thought.

I wonder how long this will go on? Who else will fall prey? PDM? JoDo? I swear to god Evil, if I find myself at a dinner party sitting across from Jizzy Bae, you and I will have problems.

At what point do we switch gears and start focusing on the cute two cute girls who majored in CS - the one with the good feet and the one with the nice smile. Call me for that party.

Scenes From My Cameraphone

Evil

Guess who sat two rows in front of me on my flight from New York to Ft. Lauderdale? Geraldine Ferraro! Surprisingly, she sat in coach. In a middle seat, no less. Poor Geraldine Ferraro. Maybe she would have gotten upgraded if she were black. Because everyone knows that blacks in this country have all the luck.

Best. Video. Ever

Scenes From My Cameraphone

Evil


Check out this cuh-raaaaaay-zee old lady that I spotted at Starbucks. Not only did she fall asleep in public, she's got a cart full of plastic bags and random papers.

The iPhone Girl

Evil

“I was inclined to kiss you,” she wrote in her email. I had asked her to clarify whether it was she who kissed me, or I who kissed her. And that was her response. Although she prefaced it with a suggestion that it matters little who initiated the kiss.

Facebook brings a lot of little surprises. Most are neither good nor bad. Insignificant, I’d say. But once in a while you make a potential connection, or in this case, re-connection. The iPhone Girl and I sort of let ourselves lose touch after that dinner. I might have been too busy or too lazy at the time to make anything of it. Or maybe it was her? But, now connected on Facebook, we made plans to meet at one of my favorite wine bars in the city.

I was hoping it wouldn’t rain, but the weather forecast got it right that day. By afternoon, the clouds swirled and thickened. By early evening, the rains started and showered the streets steadily, though not heavily. When you’re looking forward to seeing someone and it rains, it sort of feels like the event is all rained out before it even started.

She arrived a couple of minutes after I had already staked out a spot near the bar. She flung off her hat and tossed her hair a bit to shake off the raindrops. Though I’m not always very observant about these things, I took notice that she had lightened her hair since last summer. The medium brown suits her well. Her eyes are large, the thing I remember most about her. The thing I remember liking best when we first met.

“I think I’ll try the Kangarilla,” she declared after pondering the wine list for only a few moments. “It sounds like a small, but vicious kangaroo.”

We talked, that evening, as if it were our first meeting, our first date. Which made me wonder briefly what we talked about on our actual first date. Was it that unmemorable? Or maybe our first date had just seeded our familiarity with each other, making the second date less awkward… more comfortable.

She told me later that the evening had such a cozy feel to it. That stepping out of the rain and into tightly packed wine bar made her feel warm, and safe, and comfortable.

Clarification!

Evil

Here on The Hose, it's not always easy to tell the difference between reality and imagination. Such is the subtle beauty of our blog. But I need to clarify a piece of fact: I AM NOT considering buying those stupid Transitions lenses. XTIAN made that up.

I did, however, buy a couple of Ferragamo ties recently. What's the problem with that? Most of my dress shoes are from Ferragamo too.

the hell?

I choose me !?!?!?!

A few months ago, I was in bed feeling insecure. I said something that reflected this insecurity. The woman next to me said, sarcastically,

"yeah you're so ugly."
"i know"
"You're crazy. Also, you don't believe that. You are completely comfortable naked. if you did believe that you would not be so comfortable"

A few weeks ago, I went to a benefit to raise money for my little cousins' cycling team. Their grandfather is now married to the woman who was the head guidance councilor at my high school when I was there. We spent a few minutes speaking. Later, she went up to my aunt and started remarking how attractive and nice I was and how it was shocking that I had evolved into such a man from the stoner/goth wannabe of my youth. At one point my aunt had to tell her to calm down as she was so worked up by my awesomeness.

When I was 22, I got drunk, and declared to Sparkes: "Screw these flighty b*tches. I am going to be the most awesome 30 year old ever" and i set about the business of making that true. I stopped weighing 300lbs, I spent an inordinate amount of time on hair and manicuring. I developed a "look" - clothing wise, that is professional, modern, youthful and vaguely rebellious. I pretty much did everything except get it thru my demented head that I could no longer be compared to silent bob or the comic book guy from the Simpsons.

When I first met ET #2, I spent an inordinate amount of time fishing for complements. She was would call BS often and say things like "You're fishing for compliments". Tough love, your name is ET #2.

I was recently telling all this to my mother, and blaming her for never encouraging me to believe in myself. She labored through the conversation before admitting that it was really hard to be a mother to such a headcase, she then handed me off to my father, who could not be bothered to hear my complaints and compared himself favorably to Rudolph Valentino before hanging up.

Random Rules For Social Acceptability

Evil



Was on the R train the other night. It wasn't very crowded, so it was easy to spot a guy sitting on one of those two-seaters in the corner. He was flailing his hands feverishly. He was air drumming, much like the guy in the above video. He looked like a total tool, but I think in his own mind, he must have thought he looked pretty cool.

Why is "air drumming" socially acceptable anyway? The rules for this stuff seem random to me. Like, if you saw some dude on the subway wailing on air guitar, you'd be like, that's crazy.

At the office, once in a while, I see people practicing their golf swing... sans golf club. So I guess you can say it's "air golf." But dude, no one does any "air dribbling," "air running back," or "air stealing second base."

I mentioned this to XTIAN the other day, and he immediately asked why "air masturbation" (including making the "ooooooooooo" face) isn't more acceptable.

Transitions Lenses

Evil

Have you seen the commercials for Transitions lenses? They're the glasses lenses that automatically darken when exposed to sunlight. So when you're indoors, they're regular glasses. But when you're out in the sun, they're sunglasses.

Do you know anyone who owns Transitions lenses? If you do, I have an important question to ask you all... Is that person a douche bag or what? The way I figure, you pretty much need to be a major douche to be so pretentious as to own these stupid lenses.

We Both Love And Hate XTIAN's Looks

Evil


This poll result is pretty amazing. When it comes to XTIAN's looks, the hosers are very polarized! And look how symmetrical the results were: a perfect mirror image.

As it turns out, 25% of you felt that XTIAN is basically on par with George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and James Dean. BUT... on the other hand, just as many of you felt that XTIAN should be wearing a bag over his head so as not to scare small children and sighted women. There was little middle ground, with "average Joe" getting the least number of votes.

How are we supposed to interpret these poll results? Is it totally inconclusive or are there any nuggets of insight to be gained here?

The Road To Damascus

Evil

I've had a change of heart. Now, I believe. Obama is real. His movement and his message are real. He speaks of hope in a voice that seems hardly to come from a man of ordinary flesh.

I might be going away for the next 5 weeks or so. My friend the AY is taking time off from her job to set up an Obama office in western Pennsylvania, a little bit outside Erie. I think I'm going to go with her to help the movement. Pennsylvania is going to be a bloody fight. Obama is strong in the cities, like Philly and Pittsburgh. But the more rural areas are Hillary country and Obama's people are still low on organization there. I think helping to set up this office can make a big difference. Obama's trailing in PA, but I think he can win it. I've gotta believe. We've all gotta believe.

My Hero

Evil

Well... he IS pretty super.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Evil

Hey, thanks everyone for sending me all those birthday gifts. I haven't actually received any of them yet, but I bet they're just in the mail. Can't wait til I get home tonight! Wooo! It's great to have so many adoring fans.

BTW- Check out this video that my nephew made for me.

Too cute!

Shocking News!

I just learned that Mr. Shoulders was Client #10!

Shocking!