A Good Day

Evil

I've been emailing with a friend of mine recently. We haven't communicated the previous half-year or so for various reasons. Most of it was due to her job cutting off her IM. Damn you, The Man! (*shakes fist defiantly*)

Over email, I asked my friend, "When was it that we first met? Was it while I was unemployed? That must have been 2 and a half years ago."

She wrote back, "...you were unemployed and giving me tips on how to roast a whole chicken. you told me to stick a lemon in its butt! i still do it that way..."

Maybe this is weird, but her comment made me feel pretty good. It made me feel like I've actually made a difference in someone's life, however insignificant.

What I Love

Evil

If I had children, my way of showing my displeasure would be to say: "I would trade you in for a wheel of cheese, I swear." I really love cheese. I might love cheese too much.

Face Transplants

Evil

Finally! Doctors figured out how to do face transplants. Now there's hope for those ugly (but loveable) mofo's, Xtian and Manolo. What about Cheo? That guy need much more than a face transplant.

Barry Sucks

Evil

Barry Bonds announced that he plans to lose 28 pounds. And that's just from his head!

When does the Jay Fielder era start?

Get your Tivos ready!!

Angelina Joile and Dr. Jeffrey Sachs (of Columbia's Earth Institute and the author of one of the better books I've read in the last few months are going to Africa to end poverty. The whole event will be recapped on MTV.

The possibilities are endless...for comedy...

Disturbing conversation

i had a really disturbing conversation with sangay today. we were talking about the previous night and he mentioned that he "really liked my look". I was a bit confused

"how do you mean?"

"did you get new glasses or something?"

"no..however, it might be the new products I am using i am using a new facial scrub and also have a moisterizer that has some anti-oil elements and I also use a different creme that takes care of the bags under my eyes. I also have a bit of a tan..."

"oh...its working"

I don't know where my ambiguous lifemate was but I was walking down the street in the west village and feeling very uncomfortable by this whole line of questioning...

whoa

evil



whats going on in this photo?

Sad News

Evil

I heard some really sad news today and I think most of you will probably hear about it in the coming days. Info is still coming in, but all I know thus far is that there was a huge hurricane in the Gulf coast region and there was a lot of damage. I heard that New Orleans is under water... don't know to what extent the damage is, but it sounds pretty bad.

Santo Subito

Evil

Chief Justice William Rehnquist was laid to rest yesterday. As sad as it is, we now have to look forward. And all I can say is... I CAN HARDLY WAIT FOR THE CONCLAVE! By tradition, 9 days after the dead Chief Justice is buried, all Senators from around the country will gather and sequester themselves under the majestic dome of The Capitol. They will remain locked in and stinky until they elect a new Chief Justice by at least a two-thirds majority. Personally, my money is on Francis Arinze of Nigeria.

Tokyo, Part 2

Evil

I NEVER thought I'd say this, but... I am all hentai'd out! I mean it.

Tokyo

Evil



Top Things I've Learned While in Tokyo

1. Scarlett Johansson does NOT hang out at the Cerulean Towers hotel bar. (Tonight, I'm heading to the Park Hyatt, where they filmed that movie, to look for her.)

2. I can't find those vending machines where they sell used women's panties. Is that an insider thing? Who do I have to know?

3. Japanese toilets are very advanced. They have a feature that squirts warm water right at your butt hole.

4. Japanese schoolgirls ACTUALLY wear the uniforms you see on Japanese schoolgirl porn. It's weird.

5. Tokyo is at the same latitude as Memphis, TN. It's about 250% humidity here.

Good bye...

Evil



Good bye, Chief Justice William Rehnquist... we will always love you!

Sad and Upset

Evil

Reading about the hurricane aftermath down south has really gotten me down. It's a sad situation. I was IMing with Manolo (who lives in Miami) earlier today and man, I gotta say, that dude really upset me. I asked him if he was OK after the hurricane and he said yes. But then he proceeded to show me all the pictures he took of trees falling on his neighbor's car and power lines falling on his neighbor's house. Instead of helping in the relief efforts, it turns out that Manolo was skipping about his neighborhood snapping digital pics of all the wreckage. After a day or two of that, he got bored and decided on another form of entertainment: going to the supermarket to "score some hurricane sex." Some poor girl from out of town and stranded in Miami actually fell victim to Manolo's predatory ways. This is all an unfortunately situation and I'm not sure what to make of it, except to cry and drink by myself.

Great New Summer Reading

Have not read it yet, but its a TODO:

The best BBE Novels EVER! A cross over with our BR(H)OS at Ordinal Rule

(1) American Psycho
(2) Less Than Zero
(3) The Rules of Attraction
(4) The Informers

with Glamorama falling somewhere between reading a daily metro and poking one's eye's out.

Have not read Lunar Park yet.

A Marvel Comics Summer Cross Over!!!!

I was hanging out with Evil Twin 2 and her infamous BF the other night.

That should give you pause because ET2 never calls me and never wants to hang out with me. I think its because when i first met her in 1996 I was a bit drunk and walked over to Manolo (all of 2 ft away) and loudly proclaimed that ET2 had the hottest feet out! But I digress.

What should really give you pause is that we were going to Scores West Side!

Write your own caption!

It's Bad To Be Me

Evil

On the subway this morning, I was looking right up this woman's skirt. (She was sitting across from me, but not sitting like a proper lady should.) But all I saw were her gigantic cottage cheese thighs, which blocked out everything in her crotch region.

The Epilogue: SLC Punk- One Last Wedding in July!

After safely dispatching my family I realize it's my turn to travel! I have to go to SLC for one more wedding!

I departed friday from JFK on JetBlue for my co-worker's wedding. I love her, she's great and her fiancee also rocks quite hard. My entire team is going it should be fun.

When I get off the plane I race down to the after party for Friday's events. A couple of people I know are around. We're having a great time. Seven dudes end up in a hotel room and people start quoting The Tipping Point and then someone mixes up the concepts in that book with the ones in Unleasing the Idea Virus and suddenly we're having a good time making fun of Jay and calling him the sneezer...

The pop-economic geekery is only momentarily slowed by the occasional overwhelming wif of the gayness of 7 dudes who showed up stag to a wedding. I go back to my hotel room and pass out, because its still July and I still have not slept.

At the wedding the next day some fellow walks up to me and starts TOUCHING MY SHIRT. I don't know this guy and I don't really want to get to know him to the point where it's ok for him to TOUCH MY SHIRT. I ask him what's up

"I just have the same shirt"

"So you know how it feels then..."

"Ted Baker, yeah...i like the shirt. I'm surprised someone else would wear it is all"

"do we know each other?"

"we met last night. I'm surprised that shirt fits well"

I don't know this guy from anyone why is he judging how my shirt fits and more importanly, why is he TOUCHING MY SHIRT

"I usually tailor"

"Really I buy straight off the rack, I have that sort of build"

He drifts off. to rejoin his attractive wife. Who most certainly will one day join the ranks of Terry McMillan and Star Jones as the only women in America who did realize their husbands were gay before it was too late. Pina, who is standing next to me points out that our fem friend is in fact built like pee-wee herman and wonders where he buys shirts for his light weight build. I choose to move on and focus on other things- simosas, mango juice, more simosas...

Around 5pm, I find a client and we start drinking. The client is at the wedding its ok. I work hard to bond with a 68 year old man from the midwest. I ALMOST succeed but its hard to tell. I'm doing well overall.

We all sit down at the table and the party begins. Several speeches are made and some performance pieces go off without a hitch, a bollywood rendition of the couple's courtship is a highlight. An offkey, strained rendition of Oasis' Wonderwall ends the evening on a questionable low note. I have no idea what to do.

My mentor's son turns and asks aloud if its an indian custom to make the guests as hungry as humanly possible. I am snickering...loudly.

They all (my coworkers)take the client to go get steaks so he does not loose face. I am left with the gay shirt toucher and his poor unsuspecting wife, who I suspect could benefit from a proper f*cking...He spends the bulk of dinner regaling me with stories of ironing in hotel rooms. There are moments where I want to cry openly

I run out of gas later than i expect and find my way to my hotel room around 2am.

I wake up and make several calls including one to a girl I think i'm dating, but given my schedule in the month of july and her constant travel schedule, I'd hazard a guess that maybe I'm not. Its hard to say.

I get back to NY on a red eye monday morning and fall asleep watching the most recent episode of Entourage several times.

Little if anything is accomplished at work that week as August rings in.

The x(Tian) Clan: The Return Part 5: F*ck yo' white Linen Pants, xTian!

My brother resurfaces on friday but not physically. My true brother, Sparkes, is in town with the wife and I have to go see him. My brother in blood (but nothing else apparently) is MIA, so I replace him with the hottest redhead I can find and go to a rooftop BBQ

Saturday, I arrive at my aunt's house to go down to South Jersey for the second family wedding in 7 days. My uncle JV is getting hitched (or re-hitched or whatever)...

I arrive at 11am in the hopes we can be on the road by noon. No such luck.

Around 1230 we're eating breakfast
Around 130 we're all staring at each other blankly
Around 230, Monkey Boy three decideds to take a shower.

We pull out of the house around quarter to 4. No one discusses the fact that the wedding was at 2pm and we have a 2 hour drive to go.

I'm wearing white linen pants...this becomes relevant later.

When we arrive people are having a good ol time.

Things are great...

I am not drinking but everyone else is...

Around 8pm, people start getting tossed int he pool, fully clothed.

I shove The Bump in

Domingo shoves me in


Several people shove Domingo in

There are now 8 males in the pool. I'm the only one wearing white linen pants. Everyone else is wearing khakis...

We all get out and are shivering. Several people are complaining about their cell phones getting soaked. These are also the people who started this nonesense.

I wrap myself in a towel and shiver for several hours...

Some wierd kid is walking around iwth a sling shot and several water ballons. Like an adult I confiscate them. My brother notices that our new step cousin is trying to flirt with our cousin. His response is instictual.

he grabs the three water ballons out of my hand and in rapid succession hit the boy in the face with ballons that fail to pop but must sting like nobody's business.

He makes idle threats like he's going to do something. Except he remembered that my brother is sort of dangerous and backs away...

On the drive back, i'm still soaking wet and fight any inclination to turn on the air conditioner. We goof on our little cousin about the step cousin with the crush till she threatens to get out and walk...hahahah....we all share a laugh

At 2am we're playing dominos and eating again. Because sleep is not an option for xTian in the month of July. Domingo falls asleep beating me and my brother five straight hands of dominos.

We all pass out around 430am...

The next day is full of complaints about soaked cell phones. I bid the Bump adieu and go find my bed...