Saturday, September 30, 2006

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil



Sometimes I feel like this guy... like whatever I do, I can win... like whatever talents I have, no one appreciates them... like however many situps I do, they don't count for anything... like no one likes me. Going to eat a slice of pizza and drink a cold beer now. Later, people!

Monday, September 25, 2006

Sometimes I Feel Like This Guy

Evil



Somtimes I feel like this guy... Minus all his money and all his women, of course.

excuse me while i break my own heart

This is why YouTube Rocks...you can go find your favorite alt-country band doing a kick ass live rendition of a particularly awesome song...

next I find some Old 97s

woooo

Friday, September 22, 2006

Scenes from a Dentist

Dr. Ray: Wow
xTian: What?
Dr. Ray: How much pain are you in back here?
xTian: None
Dr. Ray: Really? That's impossible. It's a mess back there, those things never erupted out of your gums. They are impossible to keep clean. They must be constantly inflammed.

I neglected to admit that 5 years ago when I lived in Astoria, they hurt so friggin much that I had an appointment to take them out. Talking to my mother the night before she scared the crap out of me about anasthesia and said I needed someone to go with me to make sure I got home ok. Anyway, instead I cancelled the whole thing and went to work

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Potentially Unhealthy Behavior

Evil



I can't stop myself from watching House Hunters in HGTV. It's just one episode after another. I'm just sitting here. Watching and watching and watching. This has been going on for about a month. Cable TV with DVR is a wonderful thing. Or a terrible thing. I'm not sure sure.

As I'm watching House Hunters, I also can't help but notice how differently women and men behave when they're evaluating homes. By my observation, men usually stick to nodding if they're pleased and scrunching their face if they don't like the place. Sometimes they will utter things like, "I like this place" or "No, I don't like this place."

Women, however, evaluate homes as if they were something else altogether. For example, here are some comments made by women house hunters:

- "Ooooh, I really like the size."

- "It's so big! I bet it would take me months to get used to all this size!"

- "Hmmm. Well, what it lacks in character, it certainly makes up for it in size."

I can't stop watching this show. I'm waiting for the episode when a guy house hunter says something like:

-"It sure is tight. And I like it that way!"

Or:

-"I know I'm not the first guy who's ever been in here, but it sure feels like it."

Manolo Tends Some Feelers

Stop giggling Evil...I am not talking about the types of feelers you give in the Google public bathrooms...

I am talking about getting one of these world leaders give a speech condemning the US while holding a poster with The Hose website address. I am leaning towards Kim Jong-il from North Korea but if you know of someone else interested, let me know.

The book Mr. Chavez was holding up was Noam Chomsky's Hegemony or Survival: America's Quest for Global Dominance (The American Empire Project). Do you know that in one day the book went from rank #170,000 to rank #30 in less than one day?

Can you imagine the traffic we will get?

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

What?

Evil



David Wright of the NY Mets celebrates. It's his coming out party!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Why Might This Be?

Evil

For some reason, I've always thought that McGill University was an all girls school. Maybe it was because in high school, there were these twin girls in my graduating class and the one I always found really cute, Margaret (she always kept her hair down, whereas her sister always kept it up... I don't even remember the sister's name actually), ended up going to McGill University. Totally unrelated, but I was recently informed that McGill is in fact considered the "Harvard of Canada." This interested me, or maybe I just had some spare time at work, so I was doing some web research on McGill. There's this interesting research paper I ran into, written by some folks at McGill sometime in the late-90's.

The findings from this study are somewhat bizarre and unexplainable, at least I think so. Get this... they did this study on kids age 0 to 5 who had some sort of physical trauma as the result of an accident, say, falling off a chair and busting a gash in their head. They then followed the progress of these kids into adulthood and discovered that the physical trauma led to severe resentment of one's DAD. But as far as the MOM was concerened, there was no measured effect, positive or negative.

I ask you, smart readers of The Hose... WTF? How come the dad gets all the blame???

Manolo Cries For A Minute and Then...

They say a picture is worth a thousand words! This is a picture of Bush during the 9/11 ceremonies of last week. Can anyone point out what's wrong with this picture?

In case you failed the test, it seems that Georgie has a different anatomical and physiological make-up than the rest of us do and his heart is not located where you think it is.

I guess it does explain his response to Hurricane Katrina...I wonder in what part of his body is the brain located...

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Spitzer vs. Someone-Who-Doesn't-Stand-A-Chance

Evil



Here in New York, there's some kind of election that's about to happen. I don't know the details, but I've passively seen commercials about it. All I know is that Elliot Spitzer is running and whichever poor schmo is running against him is going to beat worse than a 3-year-old-Evil by his mom.

Elliot Spitzer is stronger than Superman. Elliot Spitzer is honester than Abe. Elliot Spitzer's jawline is squarer than a 90 degree angle. Elliot Spitzer will win and save New York, whatever it is that we need to be saved from.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Fundamental Questions Of Life

Evil



Why are KenTak3's people so weird? Can someone tell me?

Things I remember

In 1985, Coca-Cola introduced “New Coke”, this move is in retrospect considered one of the great marketing blunders of the 20th century. I imagine that the people who actually sit around look back and categorize “marketing blunders” are pot smoking MBA candidates who don’t really know enough about music or movies but have an over-developed sense of irony. But really that’s an aside to the core point, new coke destroyed families. Here is my story.

It was winter. In the mid 80s my uncles were prone to hanging out at my parent’s home. My mom always cooked and they liked hanging out with me and the then baby bump. Sometimes they would bring friends. This was interesting because I never brought friends home. That always made me uncomfortable. My mom was always one to live by the adage that people should be in their own home, as opposed to each others. But my uncles would occasionally bring friends. As it was the mid 80s everyone who came thru dressed like an extra from one of two films, Crush Groove or Purple Rain. Some dressed a little closely to George Michael (either ignoring the gayness or George or anticipating their own eventual early nineties admission of gayness) One dude, who’s name was Felix, made people call him flex. I think he wore one fishnet glove. No one cared.

Anyway, one of these goons, asked my dad for a coke once and my dad brought him a can. He inspected it and asked if he could have an “old coke”. My dad mentioned that this was a coca-cola classic and goon professed it was not the same. That there was coke, new coke and coca-cola classic and that each was completely different.

First of all, this is a classic bad guest. Who makes these demands on people? Second its’ been 8 months since new coke. Does anyone really think if we are stashing a large supply of original coke, we’d say "this is for the next time a pop locking goon with a bad perm comes over"

Still my dad, a gentleman and a scholar was embarrassed. What a horrible host that he did not have the foresight to store away soon to be stale soda on the off chance some 18 year old chump will come in and ask for some. So no new coke, no coca-cola classic…just toolery…just toolery

This memory flashed before my eyes Saturday at 6am as I stumbled into my apartment wondering about a series of morally ambiguous decisions I had just made.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Manolo Goes On A Cruise

I just came back from a 4-day cruise to Mexico and will fill you in many of its wondrous details.

Meanwhile, I will like to state that I had nothing to do with Tammy Grogan...

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Manolo Goes For Some Capital Punishment

I was recently in Washington for some work-related stuff. Sure, Washington may be a seething hotbed of politics, drugs, murder, but it’s also got the country’s largest population of au pairs. At least, that what’s I heard. Someone had given the notion that, thanks to all its diplomats, politicians, and lobbyists, Washington has more au pairs than anywhere else—and every weekend, these foreign women gather at a nightspot to pick up American men. My mission while I was there: to find this magical place.

My first night there, I started by going to Adams Morgan and see what that section of the city had to offer. Most of the ladies were drinking Lindman’s Framboise, a raspberry brew not meant for real men. Men were drinking Dirty Dick’s Ale. I am sure there’s nothing like a Dirty Dick and I am sure Xtian has them left and right but I didn’t feel comfortable enough to order one. Therefore, I ordered lots of Lindman’s Framboise.

After a long night of praying to the porcelain gods, I decided to engage in some sightseeing. I am not Jewish and don’t need to get in touch with my heritage, but I decided I needed to visit to the Holocaust museum since I have been in Washington a couple of times but had failed to go. I didn’t expect to be treated to an unbelievable parade of beautiful women. Mothers and daughters. Sisters. Twins. Foreign, domestic, Jewish, Catholic. All kinds and all gorgeous. Men are outnumbered by at least two to one. But how does a man meet women at the Holocaust Museum? You have to play it very cool, something at which I fail repeatedly. This is obviously not a happy place.

First of all, you have to be quick. I noticed one pretty lady in little pink shorts and a white T-shirt. An au pair on her day off? She noticed me looking at her and she smiled at me. Nobody smiles here. But I waited too long to approach, and she wandered into the “Remember the Children” exhibit. Probably not the best place to ask where she’s from. I walked into the gift shop, where they make money selling key chains with cute pictures of Anne Frank. How tasteless can you get? I bought one and put it in my pocket, which I now realize was scant inches from my genitals. I waited for my honey with the pink shorts, but to no avail. Another strikeout.

I went to this place that serves lattes and alcohol. It was pretty packed with women. I guess women feel comfortable coming here alone because of the coffee bit. Unfortunately, lots of politicians frequent the joint. I asked a couple of guys claiming to be congressmen if they knew where the au pairs hung out. They said there was no such place and that it was an urban myth. Being so-called congressmen, I refused to believe them.

I still had faith. I kept wandering the city and I tried going into a place which had a velvet rope that took you into some sort of basement. They turned me away yet they let these hippies in wearing flip flops. Word on the street is that the Norwegian Mafia runs it. I didn’t fight it because I’d been smuggling salted fish and the Norwegian Mafia was after me.

I went to another trendy hip place. This place was like an unofficial gathering place for white people that can’t dance. As many readers can attest, I am not the greatest dancer BUT when next to white people, I am like Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing or John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. I started talking to this brunette with that hot Eastern European look found on many porn websites but she actually turned out to be from Kansas...not exotic enough but I had nothing better to do so I stuck around.

We were talking and dancing and we regaled each other with personal stories...She actually found my Holocaust Museum outing quite amusing. A few dances and drinks later, she then proceeds to pull me close and whispers in my ear that she wanted to show me something, I blurted out “Is it hot au pairs” She gave me a very pensive look. This time I said nothing. She took my hand, placed it on her left arm, her tanned skin was soft and I touched it a long time. and told me to roll up her sleeve, revealing a tattoo of an alley cat. I mentioned that back when I lived in NYC there was a bar/strip club called the Alley Cat near Wall Street where I spent many a work afternoon (shout out to Xtian and his life partner Matt).

She then downed her tequila shot and took her hair down.

“I have never been to a strip club. I think we should go to a strip club,” she whispered.
“That’s a stupid idea.” I answered. “Au pairs aren’t going to hang out at a strip club.”

She looked at me again with those beautiful pensive Kansas eyes and then she walked away...

Sunday, September 03, 2006

xtian/Evil vs. VH1/The Producers of Best Week Ever

We're going to SUE!

We invinted real time blogging and Best Week ever comes back with "Live Blogging"? A whole 3 years later!

Fuck that, first they don't let us on their show, now this...

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Check this out

I was at an awesome concert this past wednesday.

Her name is Jenny Owen Youngs and her CD rocks. Her performance with a bit nervous. She was occasionally gittery, but she rocked after a while and her comments in between songs had a lot of double entendres. Sometimes even Manolo's favorite, the single entendre. Also, she's really hot in a nerdy, Columbia Library sort of way.

She is something of a cross between alanis morrisette and Annie DiFranco I guess, but only if you take the two (1)stick them in a blender (2) Blend liberally (3) pour the mixture in a very attractive cake mold (4) Bake for 20 minutes (5) allow for cooling.

Anyway ,she has this great song called "The drinking song" which is not on the CD but will be when it is re-released in late november.

At the Seams

I seem to be coming apart again. Another apartment search and the realization that by staying in NYC I am actually losing ground in life has brought me to a new internal low.

I tried something dramatic the other day, I debated moving to the 'hood, and even looked at an apt way the hell up there in the legit 'hood. I don't belong in the 'hood. I am a mama's boy. Always have been, I got no business in the 'hood.

My friend is much more mature than me; she has been wiser about how she has handled her post grad school life. She needed someone to take over her lease as she just bought a place (see, suck it up live in the hood and buy a place...its that easy).

I suppose I can buy a place, but I anticipate another year of downward pressure on home purchases, so in the interim I am moving to Hoboken and building up a cash reserve. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, as we were talking I dumped a lot of info on my friend and she didn't move. She didnt run away. She didn't ask me to leave. There I was, xTian Age 30ish/emotional age 19...just laying out all my crazy..."dude I'm old"..."dude, I suck" "dude, I'm bad at my job" "dude, I don't like any of my friends". Crazy from all angles...and all she just shifted uncomfortably on her couch thing. To be fair, i am not sure if it was me dumping all my insecurities on her or that my eyes shifted eagerly between trying to look up her skirt and down her tank top. The net of it was, she shifted self consciously and it was because of me whether it was frantic musings or my completely inappropriate leering it was all coming from me. Just between us loyal readers - nothing makes me hornier than my own insecurities.

But she went no where nor did she ask me to leave! What a giving person...
As she showed me out she suggested I think less about things...That's certainly not going to happen...if I don't dwell on this stuff I would have nothing to blog about.